Don't worry about things you can't change...

Hrumph

2011-02-06T23:54:00.003Z

I don't come here very often now. In fact, I don't even like thinking about it much these days. Life is treating me much better nowadays.

But, another hospital check up looms and look where I come...

God damn roller coaster :(

Happy Cancerversary!

2010-05-17T22:17:00.004+01:00

Ok, Cancerversary is not a real word.

Who cares? I've survived for 5 years now (plus 4 days if you are counting). And I'm glad to be here :)

Goodbye Naughties... hello what's it called now?

2009-12-31T02:43:00.007Z

I'm feeling a bit reflective. So, how were the "Naughties"...

I remember the end of the nineties well, I was full of hope after a period of mourning the death of my father, and the end of a long term relationship I was in. It was party time, and I was living life to the full - along with my best friend who was also recently separated from her soon to be ex husband. Its the time of my life I really started to figure out who I was.

2000 was a good start to the decade. I moved into my new house, I passed my driving test, bought my first car and my first niece was born. What a year! I worked hard, and played hard too. I was discovering a new life as an independent woman, and I was moving into a more "grown up" part of my life - hitting 30 in the early part of the Naughties. Planning, saving, dreaming and wondering where fate would lead me. Life was good for the first half of the decade.

And then into 2005... I had plans for home improvements, I'd been saving for years and had managed to get a promotion at work which had helped my home improvement fund. I had a holiday planned. I was looking forward. Then.... WALLOP... along came cancer. Life as I knew it stopped. Life became illness, and hospitals. Operations and doctors. Needles and chemicals. No hair and burnt skin. Concern and worry. Stress and anguish. No longer was my cup half full, it was almost empty. Dark times.

2006 I was still having treatment, but starting to find hope. I returned to work, and was pleased to be back (for a while!). Then came the aftermath, the bit you don't hear about in the fluffy pink world of breast cancer media. Dealing with the damage to my body from surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Coping with the changes I didn't think about when choices were life or death - like infertility, premature menopause (or not?!?). Then there is the psychological damage, the fears that only crept in once cancer had visited. The feeling of mistrust in my own body. The worries that every ache and pain could be "it" back again. The loss of friends I'd made, and the sadness and fear that brings.

So, the latter part of the Naughties was pretty shocking really. Add the workplace bullying into the mix in late 2007 and early 2008 and the terrible impact that continued to have in my life until very recently I think its fair to say I am glad there's not much of this decade left!

There were a few highlights too - another niece arrived in 2005. Friend's have also had children in the Naughties. I love them all to bits (yet I am also envious that I will probably never have a family of my own). I bought a caravan, by the sea, and spend lots of time there with my extended family. That's priceless and I know I wouldn't have done that before.

So here's to a new decade and new beginnings! I hope the next 10 (tenties??) are good ones.

Ch ch ch changes

2009-12-19T11:47:00.004Z

After some blood tests earlier this week I received a phone call yesterday from my Oncologist, who among other things confirmed that my ovaries appear to be working! This is a bit of a surprise because all symptoms and test results over the last few years had led them to believe I was post menopausal. I've spent a lot of time getting my head round that - so now I am trying to get my head round the fact it might not be the case after all. I'm now back onto a different type hormone therapy, so my body will have more readjusting to do.

With hindsight I shouldn't have been surprised. My hormone levels were clearly changing. I felt like I wanted to burst into tears in the middle of M&S the week before for no reason (I don't think it was because the dine in for 2 offer wasn't on!). I was very sleepy, and had spots too. In fact, I think I turned back into a teenager for a while!! Argh.

I'm very lucky that my Oncologist is on the ball. Sadly I started out the week with a visit to one of my GPs, who completely fobbed me off and made me feel like I was making a fuss about nothing. He told me to go home and stop worrying!! Now, I may not be medically qualified but the fact that it appeared I wasn't post menopause and I was taking a drug that is only for post menopausal women was worrying me!! Its a good job I'm persistent, as a phone call to the hospital myself confirmed there was reason to worry and I was booked in for an emergency appointment the next day. I think my GP and I may have to have another chat at some point. I'd hate to think he would be so dismissive of someone else in the same position. I've come to expect a lot of dismissive attitudes from a lot of people, as many expect the fluffy, pink, positive version of life after breast cancer. But from a doctor...!!

Looks like this rollercoaster ride is still going strong. Hold on tight!

New beginnings

2009-12-04T10:58:00.004Z

I hardly dare say this out loud... but work is ok!! Yes, ok! The "situation" ended. It was never dealt with, or any of the behaviour addressed so the legacy lives on BUT the protest was dropped and finally, 3 weeks ago, I got a new team. It's going well too. I've even been called "cool" and "sound" by some of my team. Yes, they meant me. Wow.

The 4 bullies are still working behind the scenes to try and spoil things. They don't have the same power now though. I hope their position continues to weaken as time goes by.

So - despite all the baggage it has left me with - I have made it a turning point in my life and it is the start of a new phase in my life. I'm focusing on all that is good in my life, and am doing all that I can to accept the bad. I've had the most horrendous time both health wise and in my work and personal life but it's time for a new start. I need a new start. I want happiness.

It's amazing what having a purpose does. I like.

The end?

2009-10-12T23:52:00.005+01:00

Hmmm...

I had yet another meeting at work today. One of quite a few meetings recently, but I'm bored of being a part of it all never mind typing it up. However, sometimes it's good to get it out of my head and onto "paper", I really do find it therapeutic. So, here's an update.

The mediation report arrived, and was in my opinion flawed and seemed biased. Let's just say the 4 of them did a good job of passing on their opinion as fact. I still struggle to even think about some of the cruel heartless things I had to listen to that day. Anyway - one part of the outcome was that I should move teams as has been demanded, repeatedly, by the 4 people who have been making my life hell for almost 2 years now. I, as ever trying to be the reasonable one, accepted this but very begrudgingly and told HR this was the last time I would be reasonable. I felt if it put an end to it, so be it. I was told this decision was non negotiable...

The 4 then got the outcome (which involved some movement with them as well), and they started to negotiate!! Yet again, they say jump and my employer starts warming up for a high jump! The tail is most definitely wagging the dog! So, I and my 3 managers (who have remained very supportive) put our feet down, hard, and said we rejected this stage and were considering taking further action.

Today I heard back from the union. The whole business is being swept under the carpet now, like it never happened. It will disappear, along with the boss who retires next week. He appears to be the scapegoat now. Convenient. The 4 remain working in other teams away from me, and I can stay in my current job. This is of course great news, I should be pleased. But as the poor behaviour and discriminatory attitudes (which are still displayed to me regularly at work) remains, and isn't dealt with I just don't know how I am going to deal with the future. It's going to be hard.

The union rep summed it up well today. I was ill and the staff didn't know how to deal with that so transferred their inability to cope into anger towards me. I've just got to figure out how I keep working somewhere where people are very open about the fact they wish I'd died now. Harsh, but I have bills that won't pay themselves.

I think I just need time to get my head round this. I'm not sure I truly believe it is over.

Not something I would like to repeat...

2009-08-24T23:24:00.004+01:00

I couldn't even face writing about it last week... It was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life (and one of the longest!). Really really horrible to have to sit there and listen to people say horrible things about you, right in front of you. Not just "you upset me because blah blah blah", but really really nasty comments. The lowest, nastiest comment being "I've had people in my family DIE from cancer, but I really don't care what happens to you now".

All this because I was quieter than normal. Yes, I committed the ultimate crime of becoming a little withdrawn. This is now known by some as "using your illness".

I tried to maintain my dignity throughout - but found it hard to hold back my emotions all day and did have to have a cry in the toilet between each session. I hate crying in public, in fact I hate crying full stop. Especially over this. It shouldn't be so important.

Who would ever have thought people could be so cruel? It's been an eye opener has all this. Even the impartial mediator texted me the day after to check I was ok. She also suggested I get some support. Not sure where from though!! I don't seem to be able to get any anywhere!

I wish I could get away from this horrible situation. Please let the recession end and let me find somewhere decent to work!

Mediation

2009-08-17T23:19:00.003+01:00

Tomorrow I have between 6 and 8 hours of mediation to endure.

Sounds negative? Sadly that's how I feel. The "situation" at work as I now refer to it has been going on for 20 months now. My days there are definitely numbered now. A girl can only take so much but the damn recession is making it difficult for me to go onto pastures new...

So, tomorrow I have to sit and listen to 4 bullies sit and have yet another go at me. Before I even get there I know they feel I have received "special" treatment at work because I had cancer. Yes, that is what they think. The only reason they have been found to be bullies is because I had cancer. No-one would have believed it otherwise! Who knew a tumour could have so much power!! Strangely I was under the impression it was their behaviour that got them the bully label, not my dodgy cells!

I have to endure this bile all day tomorrow. Good job I have faced worse in my life. I intend to remain dignified, calm and hope to keep the hurt they have caused to myself. Talking about all this now is too little too late for me. I don't want to pick at old wounds I have been trying so hard to heal.

I'm absolutely dreading it though...

Mammo mia here I go again

2009-06-22T23:38:00.005+01:00

It's been a few months since I posted, but as it is summer it means one thing...Mammogram.

I had it a couple of weeks ago and have been nervously waiting for the results since then. I try to kid myself and everyone I know that it's just routine, it's nothing, test results - what test results?? But underneath this calm exterior is a real worrier. Wondering what every glance means in the waiting room. Did the radiographer just look at me in a sympathetic way then?? Has she seen something when she quickly checked the film? Have they sent me to this room (where I was diagnosed) because that is the bad news room?? Cancer really does mess with your head!

So, when I saw the envelope on the doormat I felt sick. I can recognise an NHS letter at 20 paces now you know! You can't imagine the relief that flooded through me when I saw the words:

"there are no radiological features to cause any concern"

Phew!

Work situation continues to be a complete nightmare sadly - but I am going to try to enjoy this nice feeling of relief for a couple of days at least!

Another trip on the emotional rollercoaster

2009-03-18T01:11:00.003Z

Here I am again. Which sadly means I am at a dip, not a peak on my rollercoaster. One day I hope to come on here and post when life is treating me well, but for now I only seem to come here when I need to offload...

A quick recap on the nightmare at work. I got bullied, my managers tried to deal with it informally. This didn't work - staff involved didn't like being told off so turned the whole thing completely on it's head in August and submitted a formal complaint against me, and my managers. They accused us of the very behaviour they had displayed against me. It really was very surreal, and extremely stressful. I ended up having to move myself into another section for a while as I couldn't face sitting with these people any longer. I got through it though, and the result was as I would have expected - me and my managers had done absolutely nothing wrong. Yet again it came out that some of my team had been intimidatory towards me. The result of THEIR complaint was they were to be split up and moved to other, identical, teams in the organisation so I wouldn't have to work with them any more. That was in mid November...

They've all been off work since then - and have been protesting, and making all kinds of demands. Meanwhile those of us who have remained at work have, tentatively, built up good working relationships again. However, now they are approaching half pay (and their gps seemed to have wised up to their protest!) their tactics have changed and I've found out today they might be coming back in a couple of weeks. But to the same office as me. Seems my employer has no backbone and they are now going to sweep it all under the carpet, as if it never happened.

In the meantime, I've already made a lot of sacrifices. I sat in another office while the investigation went on so felt very displaced at work, and I've recently negotiated a temporary reduction in my hours as a reasonable adjustment under the DDA (this situation really has taken a toll on my health).

Onto health matters, I've now had it confirmed my cancer treatment has put me through early menopause (I'm in my thirties, so it's definitely early!) and I'm struggling a bit getting my head round that. I've actually had to take a couple of days off work this week, because I've been feeling really under the weather physically and emotionally. Not sure if I've picked up a virus, I'm just completely run down or my body is protesting at the change from Tamoxifen to Aromasin. I just feel terrible and want to sleep all the time.

So, basically I'm just feeling sorry for myself and needed to write it down somewhere. This seemed like the place to do it. Maybe now I have offloaded I will be able to consider my options now, cos I don't really know what I'm going to do next

Back to the hospital...

2009-02-04T22:50:00.001Z

I've been to the hospital today for another dose of the delightful sounding zoledronic acid. While I was there I had a blood test to find out if I am now post menopausal. I'm 36, and my periods stopped when I had treatment in 2005/06 - never to return. My Onc now wants me to change from Tamoxifen to Aromasin, so has tested me today to check my menopausal status...

I don't know how I feel about this really. Part of me is glad - the less estrogen produced in my body the better, and I can't say I miss having periods! But, now it is going to be confirmed that cancer has left me infertile (I don't have any kids) I feel very sad. Ok, I've never rushed to start a family but I always thought that was a choice I could still make for many years to come.

Gosh - things just keep coming along on this long and winding road don't they!?! I'm not even sure if I am asking a question here, or just sounding off... Thanks for listening anyway!

Where has the last month gone?

2008-12-21T20:21:00.003Z

Well, the results were out last month. All the complaints against me were not upheld. I knew they couldn't be, but I was still very worried. I have lost a lot of faith in a lot of people this year so wasn't really sure which way it would go to be honest.

The outcome also found 3 of the 8 people have displayed intimidating behaviour towards me. Great - some back up and support for me to put an end to all this you would think. Erm no - they have all (all 8) been off sick since the results came out and are appealing against the decision. It seems they weren't advised it could turn round on them. The fact their complaints weren't upheld, yet they were actually found to be in the wrong seems to have been a bitter pill to swallow... My caring employer has yet again done nothing to support me, despite the fact it has now been proven I have been bullied. They have even been asking me for ideas on how to get the 8 back to work!?!

So, another month and still no end to all this rubbish. However, I am trying to put as much of it as I can behind me for a couple of weeks so I can enjoy Christmas with the people I care about.

Feedback time...

2008-11-11T22:04:00.004Z

Yes, it's still ongoing. This is now month 10.

Apparently, I will be getting "feedback" tomorrow from the investigation. Slightly worrying because my statement hasn't been agreed yet. It took the investigating officers over 6 weeks to send it to me and I have never seen such a poorly written document in my life! They suggested I changed it (great - doing their job as well now!), then at half 4 today told me they don't agree with my amended version. Hmm, now there was I thinking it was a statement of what I said?? How the "feedback" has been prepared without my statement is beyond me. I hope to be enlightened tomorrow...

Call me pessimistic, but I don't have very high hopes for a satisfactory conclusion. At all.

The interview

2008-08-29T12:06:00.003+01:00

This is going to be quite a short post, because I am exhausted to be honest.

I had my investigation interview yesterday. It was ok I suppose, but on more than one occasion I got very upset. I guess the word that describes me best at the moment is fragile. All the months of this going on have really taken their toll on me.

I am still unclear how I am a bully, or have harassed or intimidated anyone. The questions asked didn't really give me the answers to that. In fact, some of it was laughable (well, it would be if I wasn't so upset!). One of the complaints against me is that I have laughed when talking to another manager at work. I kid you not - the possible few occasions where I have laughed this year is now being used against me!!

I managed to take a union rep with me to the meeting, and he was disgusted about the interview. He said he will be taking it up with the powers that be. Good for him, I think, but I'm really getting tired of all the battles surrounding this. I feel like a pawn in a game where I don't understand the rules.

*sigh*

Time to have my say?

2008-08-27T17:08:00.004+01:00

I've just spent what was supposed to be a relaxing weekend away with my family trying to sort out a union rep who could accompany me to an "investigation Interview" I have been called for tomorrow. I found out at quarter to 6 on Thursday evening that my interview was tomorrow. I was supposed to be going on holiday on Friday afternoon, and was not supposed to be home until late today. I had to cut my holiday short to sort this out. I couldn't get away on Friday, and had to come home earlier than planned today. It's been a nightmare. I found out 20 minutes ago that someone can accompany me.

So, tomorrow I will be getting questioned about me being a bully. I have no idea what the allegations are. Remember it was me who was being bullied by my team, for many months. It seems that the ultimate form of bullying now seems to be submitting a formal complaint against your victim. I think the time has come for me to look for a job elsewhere. It's not doing my health (emotional and physical) any good waiting for this to be resolved.

I feel like I am close to giving in. Let the bullies win, I don't have much strength left to fight this.

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye...

2008-08-13T22:29:00.002+01:00

I've had quite an eventful day today. I finally heard from Occupational Health, who in a nutshell said the only advice they could give me was to go off sick. How's that for support?!?

Luckily today I had a Life Coaching appointment. She was fab today, and although it was quite gruelling today and I got very upset she has helped me come up with a plan of action. She too thinks I need to remove myself from the situation at work. However, when I explained I would not be going off sick as I AM NOT ILL! (Sorry, I get sick of having to say that!). I am just unable to tolerate working in a tense and hostile environment. It really is becoming an impossible situation. So, with guidance I have told my employer that as of tomorrow I will be relocating myself into another office. I'll still do my job but will not physically sit in the team while the formal investigation is going on. I can't manage a group of people who won't enter into any dialogue with me, so I may as well sit elsewhere and get on with the parts of my job I can do.

I'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow. It'll be fun packing...

Dipping my toes back into cancerland

2008-08-06T18:16:00.003+01:00

I’ve been to the hospital today. Everything seems ok again thankfully. My Oncologist thinks I will be changing my medication next time I go as he is now quite certain I am post menopausal. I’ll be changing onto another drug – Aromasin (exemestane) so will have a whole load of new side effects to discover! From the little I do know, it seems that taking Aromasin after Tamoxifen seems to work well and keep cancer at bay more than Tamoxifen alone so I’m willing to give it a try. I will also have to have a bone scan as Aromasin isn’t too kind on your bones (or hair!). I’m feeling very 50/50 about that. I do have some aches and pains that I put down to Tamoxifen etc – none of them cause me any trouble really or are there all the time. At least if I have another scan I’ll know for certain. Gulp.

Not surprisingly I burst into tears when I saw him. I didn’t really manage to get much out of my mouth to be honest, but he knows I have had time off because of stress and it is still ongoing. Like my GP he asked if I was getting support from work, and said (his words) “This is the last thing you need right now”. I said I had seen Occ. Health and was hoping to see them again soon… (I emailed them again yesterday).

The actual treatment went ok - the nurse got straight into a vein. Hurrah!! That makes a change.

For the first time since I returned to work after my original cancer treatment I didn't go back to work afterwards today. I can't face it when I have this to deal with.

So, I’m done for 6 months now.

No way...

2008-08-01T02:04:00.005+01:00

I think this has been the worst week of my life post diagnosis so far. Not only have I been grieving for my friend, the unthinkable has happened at work.

It appears a formal complaint has been lodged at work. Great - about time some people might say. Time to sort it out once and for all. But no - the complaint is AGAINST me. By the very people who have made my life hell for the last 6 months, and whose behaviour resulted in me having time off because of stress. No more undercover bullying from them, oh no. They've gone for the jugular now.

So, despite the fact that I have done NOTHING other than try to do my job, and be a bit subdued while I have been having a few hard times in my private life I am now having to face a formal investigation that will probably take months. I'll have to discuss my private feelings with yet more strangers now, which I find really hard to do. OK I spill all here, but that is different. This blog is like therapy!

Oh, and to top it all off I'm back at the hospital next week. Yes my lovely work colleagues - you know for CANCER treatment. Remember??

I'm struggling to keep my faith in human nature tonight.

*sigh*

Saying goodbye

2008-07-29T23:40:00.001+01:00

I chose, for many reasons, not to attend the funeral of my friend today.

However, at 3pm - the time of her funeral - I took myself off to the quietest spot I could find (I work in a city centre) and released a balloon with a note for her tied to it. I cried for her, and the fact that I am angry that cancer has taken her away so young.

Later, there was a shower - really heavy rain, followed by a rainbow. I'll always think of her when I see a rainbow now.

Love ya Dee xxx

Life Coaching - session 3

2008-07-28T21:00:00.000+01:00

This week’s session was really good again, although not the Sumo session I was expecting. I think that will be next time (not next week cos she is on holiday). Not as much theory this week, so this shouldn’t take me long to type!

Basically we broke down some of the things that are and will cause me to feel stressed at work. She calls this “Uncovering Stress”. She said we have to break things down because if I just think the problem is work – the whole thing – I might as well give up now and get another job.

So, we went through a few points and broke them up into little headings:

What is the root of my stress

I’ll use one example through all these points – me holding team meetings. The last time I did that was very uncomfortable!

What are my feelings

I feel very anxious and sick.

What behaviour is provoked? (My behaviour – not anyone elses)

I feel uncomfortable and there are awkward silences.

Who is responsible?

They are.

What do I control?

Where people sit and how the meeting will “flow” (back to me taking the mic!).

What am I going to do and when am I going to do it?

Change the way everyone sits. Don’t sit with me at one “side” and all of the team sat as far away as possible. Make people sit closer, in a circle and make sure key people who will offer support are spread around the circle so I have people I can look at in different points in that circle. I’m going to start by sitting at the other “side” to normal – so they can’t all huddle round. I will take that spot, I will have control.

She also said I should use the advice I got from the mediation service – use silence when waiting for responses, ask closed questions etc.

Finally she said I shouldn’t set myself up – I should prepare for the worst, and make sure I tense up all my muscles etc before I start the meeting and then relax when I do start so I at least give the appearance of being relaxed and in control. I should expect there will be a lot of negativity in my direction, and as I am expecting it I won’t act shocked or surprised. I will be in control (I’ll keep repeating that bit to myself - today has been a hard day!!).

So – I am now to use these headings for anything else that crops up, and make sure I come up with some answers to the last point for each of them. Hopefully along with all the other tips she has given me I’ll get there.

End of lesson :)

Life Coaching - session 2

2008-07-28T00:02:00.002+01:00

A little late... Here’s an update on last Monday's session – more useful tips coming right up…!

We talked about how the brain works, and how you can train it to work differently (there is a fancy name for this - neuro linguistic programming I think!). It’s all to do with the things in your subconscious mind and how “normally” you can keep a lid on the more negative things. However, when you feel depressed or stressed this becomes more difficult. She said to think of my mind like a large cardboard box (I laughed in my subconscious mind then – my mind does often feel like an empty box!). Inside that box is a tube of toothpaste, the negative thoughts. When things are going well, the toothpaste just rattles around in there. When things are going bad – the box gets crushed and out squirts all the toothpaste.

Still with me? So, onto what happens when the toothpaste is squirting all over the place…

80% of the thoughts you have are down to what you “hear”. Things people say, do, the tone used, body language and your perception of this. You take in the negative things, and as she quite rightly said you don’t lay in bed at night remembering the positive things people said to you that day…! This is how your mind works (especially in Britain, we “like” to be negative). It dismisses the good and dwells on the bad if you let it. This in turn affects your subconscious mind. Vicious circle coming right up… When your subconscious mind is getting overwhelmed with all this negativity it affects your feelings, your body language, behaviour etc and makes you feel depressed. So you take in more of the negative thoughts, and go back to the beginning all over again…

So, now time for some brain training! I had to think of some negative/limiting beliefs I have. I won’t fill up my blog with it all, but here is an example of one of them:

I believe that people don’t like me and I have lost my self confidence (in myself and my abilities). This has come from the situation at work. This has already had negative consequences – stress and time off work. If I don’t do anything to change it, I will lose my sanity and possibly my job as I won’t feel I can continue.

So – time to kick the old grey matter into touch and turn it around. New way to look at it is:

My old belief that people don’t like me is rubbish. I now believe I’m liked and loved by the people who matter to me. The situation at work says everything about them and nothing about me.

Same situation, different outlook/belief.

I’ve got to think these kinds of thought all the time now – to train my brain into reacting in a more positive way. I even have to consciously change my body language to stop any negative beliefs. She said she was taught to put her finger up her nose when she started to think of things in a negative way (!) but thought that was a bit odd. I have a new technique though which I like a lot.

Bit of “science”… currently in my stressed/depressed state I have a motorway to bad thoughts in my mind. It’s the quickest and easiest route so why would my brain go anywhere different? I need to put up a diversion! Apparently it takes about 10,000 attempts to do this! She said that would probably take about a fortnight, cos the mind does a lot of thinking in that time! I think I have clocked up a few hundred already today so maybe I will come off a junction early already!

I think that pretty much sums up this week’s installment. Next week is SUMO. I thought “Oh my god – what will I have to wear!!”. Apparently it stands for Shut Up Move On. I can’t wait for that!

I now really think just by changing the way I react to all this will help find a solution to it all. Make way for the new improved me – fully available in about another 6 weeks but a trial version out now!!

Strange coincidence, or something more?

2008-07-23T17:55:00.004+01:00

I rarely wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes it takes me a while to get off to sleep but once I do I'm out for the count. Early on Monday morning I woke up (at about 2:35am). I woke myself up coughing. I was really struggling to catch my breath. So much so I ended up getting up, and had to go downstairs to get myself a drink. This went on for about half an hour... then stopped not long after 3am. Now, I don't believe in god or anything, but I can't help but think it wasn't just a co-incidence that I was up and about that night, at that time. When I got the awful news about my friend and was told she died at 3am I was just stunned. Now I feel more comforted to know I was awake at that time and she wasn't alone in the night...

I can't believe I am even typing this, it just isn't me this sort of thing. It feels really weird...

Breast cancer is a cruel disease

2008-07-21T18:22:00.003+01:00

I lost a very good friend of mine today, a girl I never met in person but who I have shared my cancer journey with right from the very start. We went through operations and treatment "together" but sadly her journey took a very different path to mine. She was only 32.

I am really going to miss her. I can't think of any more words to say today.

Sleep well my lovely friend xx

Another appointment...

2008-07-20T00:09:00.003+01:00

I had an appointment with my employer's mediation service a couple of days ago so I thought I'd add something about it here...

It was very emotional - that kind of surprised me to be honest. I've had a few really big sobs and gave myself a headache that lasted for 2 days! All in a good cause though, I think I have had a few more realisations which is good.

We talked round the whole situation and how I feel about it now I am back at work. I explained that I felt the atmosphere in the office was still bad, if not worse in some ways due to the ever escalating and spiralling nature of what is happening. We talked about all this in depth, but I won't bore you with the details as I think I have said enough about all that already!!

So, what have I got out of this and where am I going to go from here?

The more personal/emotional stuff

I think I had already done this, but it was highlighted in this meeting that I am extremely hurt and disappointed that a group of people (some of whom I considered friends) have, in my opinion, behaved in such a bad way towards me resulting in me having to remove myself from work on stress grounds. This was the bit that made me cry the most. I'm severely disappointed in them and, as it isn't behaviour I would display I don't understand them. However - I have now realised I can't do anything about that. I can't change them. This is something for the Life Coach to deal with I think. I need to know how I deal with this, and putting the strong emotional feelings I have to one side. I'll let you know how I get on with this!

I did have another very emotional moment when I asked what I am supposed to do if I have more quiet and subdued moments in the future. After all, this seems to have triggered all the recent events off. I don't think we really got to a conclusion here, we all seemed unable to work that one out properly. I think the upshot of this is I have to lower my morals and standards and sometimes stay at home rather than facing work, even though I feel I am fit for work because the staff don't see it that way. I'll also discuss this with the Life Coach and see if she has any bright ideas on that one.

Regaining confidence in my role at work

This is what I want to achieve. I want my confidence back, which is still very low. We tried to think of ways I can get control back, and to tip the balance of power in the team back into the correct place. We discussed things I felt anxious about and how I could take back control. Things like:

Team meetings

This is a situation that was uncomfortable prior to me going off sick, as when I directed questions at people they ignored me (or claimed they didn't realise I was speaking to them...). So they suggested I do the following:

1) Use closed questions - impossible to ignore these as I will be asking for a direct, short answer. 2) Use silence - wait for a response, and wait, and wait. Take control of the silence - don't fill in the blanks. If this goes on too long - ask the question again. Then use silence again. Warn people who are responsive that you will be doing this.
3) Use forced alternative questions - Give options so people have to pick one answer. No option not to respond - you have to choose answer A or answer B.

Changes in the office

Use this as a possible opportunity to speak to all my staff, individually. Ask people what they do currently etc, even if I already know the answer. Ask for "help" to fill in any blanks - makes people feel like their opinion is valued? The jury is still out on this one to be honest. Iknow I will struggle to speak to some who refuse to even acknowledge my existence...

Do floor walking

Make my presence felt - so I can check things like internet activity. Can either do this silently, or use it as an opportunity to speak to people individually as I walk round.

Taking the mic

This is a good example of how to take control back and gain confidence. Think of a comedy club, and how you would hate to sit on the front row. To be in charge means I have that microphone, and the team are sat on the front row. I have the mic, so I have the control. I need to make sure I keep hold of the mic.

set small goals, make lists

This isn't going to go away and get better quickly, it will take time. So, each week set small challenges. Don't worry if you don't achieve them - just list the other things you did achieve. This doesn't mean you are bad and haven't achieved things - it just means you are bad at writing lists and need some practice!!

I think that is pretty much everything (in a nutshell - it was a 2 hour 15 minute discussion!). It was very useful. I now feel like I need to split myself into 2 - professional me and the real me. I'll bring professional me to work every day - a polite, professional manager but with no personal feelings. If I feel this isn't possible, then maybe I will have to consider whether I am fit for work... Like I say - something for the Life Coach there I think...

Life Coaching - session 1

2008-07-14T15:39:00.002+01:00

Firstly, and I think most importantly I really like her. I didn’t “take” to my counsellor as quickly last year – she was an acquired taste! I think it is important that you “get on” with people like this seeing as you are hoping to get a lot of good advice and guidance from them.

Today we started with all the form filling in etc, one of which was a bit of a “How stressed out are you?” questionnaire. I got 23 out of 40. 5 is “normal”. Imagine if I had filled it in a couple of months ago!! I think I would have been off the scale then!

We then had a short discussion about the background to why I was there, which made me cry (again!!). We also discussed things like who I have in my life to support me etc so she knows what’s bugging me and who I can talk to about it.

She said what happens a lot (and I believe this is what has happened to me) is people teeter on the edge of having a complete burn out and then pull themselves away from it, only to get close to the edge again, then pull back, then get close to the edge etc until finally you drop off and completely burn out. I think I have taken a step back from the edge, but as she said today it’s obvious I am still showing signs of stress I will end up teetering again if I don’t do something to change it. The most important thing I think she said here is I can find ways to deal with this, even if the other people don’t change (although she thinks they should of course!).

So, I will be seeing her for 8 weeks and we will find lots of coping strategies for me to deal with it all. I’m really confident that this will work for me, even after just one hour! I’m really up for it to be honest. I’ll do anything to get back to being happy and confident, and not just on the face of it like I am now.

I have homework to do too. A lot of common sense things like:

Eat 2 bananas a day, or take potassium supplements.

This should help with the constant headaches I seem to be getting. I need to check this out with my docs though – I don’t like to take supplements without finding out their interaction with other drugs/hormones etc. I’ll munch a banana or two in the meantime though if it helps!

Drink plenty of water (2 litres a day) and keep eating healthily

Obvious really!

Do some exercise

Pleased to see the swimming over at the caravan site will help here – another reason buying that was is such a good idea!

Interract with nature

She was quick to point out this didn’t mean tree hugging!! I am just to take notice of my environment, and see all the lovely things there are as I wander about (focus on the positive). That’ll be easy cos I kind of do that already – a throwback from counselling.

Laugh

Not something I have been doing a lot of! Time to get smiling and watching something funny on tv I think.

Do kind things for people

She said there has been some research into this, and not only do you make the recipient feel better – it raises your serotonin levels too. I’m sure I won’t find this too difficult. In fact I let quite a few cars out on the drive back...

Do 3 nice things for myself each week

I like this one a lot That should be easy. Like she said it can be something small like having a long bath, or treating yourself to something nice for lunch (healthy of course!). I am sure I will be able to do this no problem!! I might go shopping again – I could do with a new laptop haha!

So that’s my homework. Just one other thing I have to note down 3 examples of times when I have negative feelings that cause me to feel I am not confident at work. That should be a doddle too! Then we can work on coping strategies to deal with them.

I think that is about it. It all seems to be common sense really, but it already feels good just to turn the focus of my mind onto more positive things. I was already trying to do this, but this will make it much easier I am sure.

Keeping strong

2008-07-11T10:32:00.003+01:00

I'm trying to, really I am.

Yesterday was day 2 in the lion's den. I had an almost audible response to my "morning" greeting. Or maybe someone just had wind... One person has still completely refused to even acknowledge my existence. I have purposefully tried to speak to people - delivering letters to them from the printer etc. I'm not really getting anything in response.

Another former "friend" and colleague could not disguise the contempt and disgust he feels towards me as he spoke to me yesterday - although he was trying to be professional (I think!). Shame he hasn't told his face what he was trying to achieve!

But, I was remaining buoyant, upbeat, positive and wasn't going to let it get me down again. I'm wavering today to be honest...

Back into the lion's den

2008-07-09T18:58:00.002+01:00

I did it. I went back into work today, with my head held high and a smile on my face. I was so sugar coated I think I might actually make someone puke. Ha!

I was greeted by silence from most of my team, bless them (!). The "bullies" couldn't even look at me, or acknowledge my presence. Difference is now I don't care so they can stick that in their pipe and smoke it as far as I am concerned. A couple of people on the outskirts were a bit terse, but did at least acknowledge me. They'll get over it in time I'm sure.

I also had an appointment with Occpational Health, who are referring me to a Life Coach. That should be interesting if nothing else. I'm very interested to know what advice she can give me on dealing with these people. I see her on Monday...

I've told my manager's and Occy Health that these "bullies" have the next 3 weeks to get their act together, and get over whatever it is they have a problem with (we still don't really know what their problem is!!). Once that time is up, if there is still bad feeling towards me and an atmosphere in the office I will make a formal complaint against the bullies, and HR have already said they are confident this would result in disciplinary action. Enough is enough don't you think?

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...

2008-07-08T17:12:00.004+01:00

I met my 3 bosses today, for 3 hours! How time flies when you are having fun!

I was very honest with them, and have told them how I feel about the people in my team, that I have no respect for them etc. However, I did explain that as I have been away from work for so long now, I'm not feeling sad, or stressed about the bad people. Quite frankly I don't care about them at all now, or what they think.

So, I'm off back in tomorrow for an hour or so before my Occupational Health appointment (which I have just had a phone call about - they've got my appointment mixed up. Good start!).

What else? Oh yes - the union rep who is representing the baddies suggested to my bosses that maybe I should move teams when I go back. I DON'T THINK SO MATEY!! My managers were disgusted with this suggestion (they think he is just passing on the main bad person's "demands" - he's new to the role and, in my opinion is making a right mess of things). As they told him, why would they move me - I haven't done anything wrong...? I then, half jokingly said that would look good under the DDA - "employer shifts cancer patient out of the way" which led onto a serious discussion about it. We think I would have a very good case under the DDA against some of my team which would quite probably result in disciplinary action being taken. They saw a weakness in my state of mind (I can't think of a better way to put that) which was ultimately related to me having had cancer and they (in my opinion)victimised/bullied/harrassed me because of it. So, I am going to mention this when I go to Occy Health tomorrow, just so it is recorded somewhere should this not work out and end up as a formal procedure. I'm ok with that. I would never have dreamt of playing the cancer card, it just isn't me. But facts are facts I suppose and it may need to be recorded somewhere if this doesn't go away.

Oh - I also have an appointment with the woman in charge of a mediation service next week - so we can discuss how I can deal with these people I hate (strong word, but true) now. I'm up for that (I once went on a course she ran - she's very good). I do think any help and support I can get to help get me over the very bad taste this has left in my mouth would be very useful.

So - after my meeting, my bosses were off to speak to the team to tell them I was coming back tomorrow. They are going to offer the support of the mediation lady to them as well (no way are we all going together though!!), and are also going to say that if any of them feel they can't cope working in there they will see if they can accomodate them in another team. Ha! I like that bit!! I may end up in an empty room tomorrow...

I asked my bosses to let me know, honestly, how the meeting went. It was 1pm and I haven't heard anything yet... No news is good news isn't it?

By the way, despite all this I'm glad to be going back. I think.

Home Sweet Home?

2008-07-02T14:16:00.006+01:00

I've been home, oooo all of 12 hours - here's an update.

Mammogram results!! (good news part 1)

Letter was waiting in amongst the incredible amount of junk mail that has arrived while I was away. It says

I am pleased to inform you that there are no radiological features to cause any
concern. I hope this information will relieve any anxieties or fears you may
have been feeling

So, I have dodged the bullet yet again this year. Phew!! And for the record it has relieved any anxieties or fears I have been feeling. Well, some of them!

Holiday (good news part 2)

I got home at about 3am this morning from possibly the best holiday I have ever had. I'd show you some pics but am having a few IT problems today, I don't think my brain has caught up with the rest of me yet. If you haven't ever been - please do try to visit one of the Greek Islands at some point in your life. This time was Santorini, a stunning and beautiful island with possibly some of the best food I have ever eaten. I contemplated checking myself in as cargo on the way home - haha. A completely relaxing fortnight though, as far away from all my troubles as I could possibly get. Wonderful, and a feeling I would like to cling onto for a while longer... Which brings me onto

Work (not so good news...or is it?)

I had a message to contact my boss when I got home, as I am/was due to go back into work tomorrow. I told them before I went on leave I wouldn't be getting another sick note. I don't want to feel like a skiver any more (the 2 weeks in Santorini has been leave - not sick, I would have felt a fraud). I am not ill, it's my workplace that has the problem. Anyway, I digress...

My boss was, as ever, very lovely when I spoke to her this morning. She said she doesn't want me spoiling the effects of my holiday and is giving me the rest of this week off (gardening leave?). She also has a few days off and does not want me to return to work with no support there. Next Tuesday I am starting my phased return, by meeting my 2 bosses for a coffee to discuss what's going to happen when I go back... That could be interesting! On Wednesday I have a meeting with an Occupational Health Adviser and after that if all goes to plan I will go into work for a few hours. Gulp.

So - that's me I guess. I will try and make the most of the rest of my extended time off and may have to visit my caravan for a few days... Anyone would think I was allergic to staying in my own bed!

Friday 13th

2008-06-13T18:08:00.005+01:00

Well, it's almost over... phew!

I'm not a fan of Friday 13th, not since I was diagnosed with breast cancer on one anyhow! But to try and break from superstition I went ahead with my routine mammogram today. Just got the 3 week wait for the dreaded results now... If you are reading this, please cross your fingers for me!

I've been speaking to my boss at work today too. Things seem to be spiralling out of control there. I don't know how I am going to face going back there in a few weeks. I'm going to try not to think about that until my return is more imminent. I felt really upset about it all again earlier today but hopefully now I've got it out of my system again I can put it back in a box for a while.

I probably won't be on here much for the next couple of weeks, as I will be sunning myself in Greece. I didn't realise when I booked it just how much I would need this holiday right now!!

Bump

2008-06-12T11:36:00.003+01:00

That's the sound I make when I come back down to earth.

I met up with a friend from work yesterday. I'm not too sure of all the details yet but it seems the situation at work has escalated (yes even more!!). My big boss was going to HR again yesterday afternoon to speak to them about making it all formal. I think she has felt quite a lot of the backlash the last week or so, and the spotlight seems to have gone onto her now. So it looks like there will be some kind of formal process I'll have to be a part of. All the feelings I have managed to shake off these last few weeks will get raised to the surface again. Great.

I despair really. I feel pretty stuck now because I don't feel ill and the doc has signed me as fit for work next week. I won't be there for another couple of weeks cos I will be on holiday (I booked it a while ago), but then what? I dread walking back into the now even more escalated situation, but don't like being off work either because of it. I don't really know what to do or say now.

Argh.

No need for words really

2008-06-10T21:04:00.002+01:00

I've just spent a few days here. Bliss.

Life just got a little bit better

2008-06-07T22:44:00.003+01:00

I am not going to moan or whinge today. Honestly. I have something nice to talk about for a change.

I bought a caravan a couple of weeks ago... like you do (!) and I've just found out this evening that it has arrived!! So, I'm off for a couple of sneaky unexpected days over near the coast in the morning.

Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Woooooooooooohhhhhhhhhoooooooo!

Just got to find my bucket and spade now...

Like a bad penny...

2008-06-05T13:20:00.003+01:00

...the situation at work just isn't going away. It seems some of the delightful people I work with aren't happy that they have been told off and have gone to the union to complain about how it has been handled. I've seen the document that has been read and given to them, and I know I am biased, but it seemed ok to me. It was also done with the guidance of HR too. I just hope it gets sorted, and fast! I need to get back to work (I plan to go back at the beginning of July...)

I can't believe how this has escalated, and all from nothing. Pathetic really when you think about the bigger things in life.

But, it's sunny today so all is not lost :)

Gulp...

2008-05-31T13:14:00.004+01:00

It's that time of year again.

I've just received my mammogram appointment letter. It's on Friday 13th June. Now, I'm not superstitious really but as I was diagnosed on a Friday 13th I can't help but feel a bit nervous about the date. Plus, I'm going to have to go away on holiday waiting for results now. Dammit. That happened last year and I was recalled...

Right - time to get a mantra I think "this will not phase me, this will not phase me....". I guess I could phone and ask for another appointment - but I won't. It's just a date...

Another sick note

2008-05-30T19:09:00.006+01:00

I spoke to my gp again today, and he has signed me off for just another couple of weeks. I gave him a quick update on what has happened since I last saw him (only work things, I missed out all the retail therapy!!). My sick note takes me right up to a holiday I already have booked. Both me and my gp hope I will be able to go away, have a lovely time then return to work... Let's hope that all goes to plan then!! I really do want to get back sooner rather than later. I don't like being off sick. This is only the 2nd time in my whole life I have had a sick note - and the other time was because of cancer so I don't do things by halves do I?!?

I had a lovely chat with my boss today too, and I know I have her full support which helps a lot. She agrees it is right that I don't go back too soon, and she thinks more time is needed for the bullies and their hangers on to take their heads from up their backsides and hopefully start to see the error of their ways. Or at least pretend to! Ok, she didn't quite put it that way, but you get the picture!

So I'm really trying to turn this into something "positive" (I hate that word!) and use the time wisely to catch up on all the things I don't get round to enough when I am busy working. The car has had a wash (probably the only one it will get for a while!) and today I am trying to conquer the backlog of housework. I'm far from a domestic goddess but am going to see if I can turn into one for a while. Well, as soon as I move away from here of course!

I got a lovely bunch of flowers delivered today. What a lovely surprise they were. Sadly not from a secret admirer, but it's the thought that counts ;)

Another week goes by...

2008-05-28T23:17:00.004+01:00

... and I haven't heard anything else from work so not much to say about that really. I did hear some "gossip" via a friend. It seems a couple of people in my team (not the bullies) have been quite upset for me. That means quite a lot knowing I have some support, but not enough to make me feel like I can return yet. I'll have to see what my gp says on Friday when I speak to him again I guess.

Other news - I have really gone and done it with the shopping now! I went away for the bank holiday weekend and ended up buying a static caravan! It should be delivered to the site in the next couple of weeks and then I will be able to get away whenever the mood takes me. How nice to be able to get away from everything and get some nice fresh sea air whenever I feel like it. A big expense really, but you're a long time dead...

Where do I go from here?

2008-05-21T17:23:00.002+01:00

Been out and about today (shopping but not one penny spent - if you don't count lunch!), and came home to 5 messages on my answering machine from my big boss so thought I'd better call back...

She and my immediate line manager went to see HR yesterday. The HR adviser agreed the behaviour was definitely bordering on harassment and/or bullying. She said they were there most of the afternoon discussing it. Anyway, the outcome is my big boss has spoken to the whole team and has read a statement to them explaining how serious it is, and that if anything should happen again there will be no option other than to take formal proceedings (grievance, disciplinary etc). She also explained the effect it has had on me, and that I am off sick as a result of their collective behaviour. I think she pointed out that those of them who knew something was going on but did nothing to stop it were also in the wrong. She will be issuing them all with a copy of her "statement".

Big boss said it was met with stony silence... She asked me how I feel now. I said I don't know. I said yes, if they now take it on board fine but what if they don't? She said it wouldn't be tolerated again, and would go straight into a more formal route. She said she was still upset that I was sick because of this, but thinks a bit of space is the right thing to have just now, while the dust settles a bit.

She is going to send me a copy of it, so I can have a read of it myself. Oh, and I am getting referred to Occupational Health now - probably for counselling.

I don't know how I feel about it now. I don't know what I expected to happen, but I just think words are very easy and how the hell do I walk back into the office now pretending it's all over? I really hate these people now (strong emotion I know, but how I feel), and how am I going to get over that? I think I need a bit longer to lick my wounds...

How much?!?

2008-05-20T18:53:00.004+01:00

Yes, I've been spending more money today. This really is going to have to stop... but it is really good fun!

Today was a necessity. As I expected, I need new glasses. I've gone from perfect vision to wearing reading specs, to now needing "general" specs. All within the last 18 months. My optician says I should really be having an eye test every year, because of the medication I'm on (Tamoxifen). Apparently it can affect your eyes. Great!

But, I have got a really funky pair of sunglasses on order now. Every cloud...

Today I found my get up and go again too. Thank goodness for that!! Luckily this meant I had a relatively cheap afternoon, I didn't open my purse again once. I thought I'd better make good use of this time off and did a bit of gardening. I am now covered in bits of privet bush, and smell of lavender - maybe I could start a new trend?

As if I don't have enough to cope with

2008-05-19T23:00:00.004+01:00

The title of this post is dedicated to some very kind comments I have received on this blog from a stranger in cyber world. Comments that have really brightened up my day. Funny how a stranger who stumbles across my ramblings on here can feel empathy towards me (or should that be for me?), yet people who know me well can't allow me the same...

I am now officially called "sick note" by my best friend (no-one else would get away with that!) as my GP has signed me off for 2 weeks. Both he and I hope something will happen in that 2 weeks that may allow me to go back to work again. I don't know what this something will be - answers on a postcard please... However, I do know that at 2pm tomorrow I will be the hot topic of conversation in the HR department. Hmm, not too sure how that is making me feel to be honest. The bullies are still lying and I don't see how HR will change that but hey - what more have I got to lose?

So - how am I filling my time? I have never understood people who think they would be bored if they didn't go to work. To be honest, I feel like I have spent a week trying to catch up with myself. All this has been very draining, and I don't seem to be getting very good quality sleep just now. In fact I had a bizarre dream, well nightmare the other night in which I was running around, but getting nowhere. Seems even in my sleep I want to run away from it all!! Anyway, as always when the chips are down I have been spending money - too much money probably but hey, what the hell!!

Anniversaries etc

2008-05-15T15:43:00.002+01:00

Yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis. 3 whole years... And what a 3 years it has been! In all honesty though, yesterday just felt like any other date. It's nothing special, and certainly isn't anything to celebrate. It's a date I just wish I could forget completely. Maybe next year...

As for the work situation, that's very much in the forefront of my mind. I am trying not to give it too much headspace, after all surely the reason I am off work is to allow myself a break from it?? But it's still there, rattling around my head.

Off to the docs tomorrow to see whether they will sign me off for a bit longer. Hopefully that will give work some time to sort the whole sorry situation out.

I can't cope with the stress any more...

2008-05-12T18:42:00.002+01:00

I phoned in sick today (which was a farce to be honest, and took me HOURS!). Anyway, the deed is done and I have said it out loud "I can't cope with the pressure, I'm stressed". Never thought I would say that, but do you know what? I feel better now I have come to this decision, and have removed myself from the ugly situation I have been facing every work day. It feels like already I have got some power back. I can concentrate on me now, on making myself strong again.

Sod the lot of 'em!

Time to give up?

2008-05-10T14:01:00.002+01:00

I've come to a decision. On Monday I will not be returning to work. I can't continue. I give up and I am admitting the stress has got too much. Despite my bosses best efforts, nothing is changing. There is a group of people who should be very ashamed of themselves for the way they have made me feel these last few months. I don't know if they ever will, but I'm not hanging around to find out. These bad people are going to walk into work on Monday and discover they don't have a manager for a while...

It's the weekend!

2008-05-02T20:03:00.001+01:00

Thank goodness for Bank Holidays! A whole 3 days away from work.

Bad Apples

2008-05-02T00:30:00.004+01:00

Another hard day, with more discussions about me. Very hard to deal with, even when you know you have done nothing wrong.

To be positive (yes, I still have a bit of optimism!) I've been pleasantly surprised by a couple of people. One person, who has done nothing wrong, or bad towards me apologised cos she felt so bad to know I was upset. Those few words meant such a lot to me today. Another has proved that she isn't as involved and is no way as vindictive as I'd started to think. So it seems I still have some forgiveness in me!

The rest - well, I can't say the same for them. One is, in my opinion, pure evil - rotten through and through. Like a bad apple she has managed to rot a few more around her. The rotting apple is the one who I think has poisoned the mind of others, causing all the stress and upset. The rotting apple is sly, and gets other bad apples to do her dirty work. Other bad apples don't seem to have the brains they were born with to realise how they are being used. Maybe one day they will?

So, nearly another week over - yet still the situation goes on. But I've waited 4 months to get to this point, so what's another week??

Ouch - what a day

2008-04-30T18:44:00.005+01:00

Today my bosses started to talk to the people who have been involved in making my life hell for the last few months. So, am I skipping around punching the air in glee because I am glad that they are being taken to task over it? In a a word - no. In reality I've been sat at my desk, knowing I am the hot topic of conversation (both in meetings and by e mail in the office!) and knowing that I'm being discussed in a harsh way by some. All this because I withdrew a little while I was struggling a bit emotionally. Talk about feeling like you've been kicked when you are down.

I'm cross with myself for allowing this to get to me so much. I'm cross that the way it is making me feel is wasting my precious life (life that quite frankly I truly believed 3 years ago was going to be cut very short). I'm not asking for people to treat me differently because I had cancer - far from it. I don't wear it like a badge, quite the opposite in fact. I try, as far as is possible, to put it to the back of my mind and to live a "normal" life despite the daily reminders when I see myself in a mirror, take a tablet every day. BUT, all I want is for other people to give me a little consideration now and again. To understand that sometimes, just now and again I struggle a little emotionally. And that if I withdraw a little it's not because of something they have or haven't done. It's just I need some time for me while I jump over the next little hurdle that life throws at me.

I'm approaching anniversaries again too. I think that is making me feel a bit worse. It's a very mixed bag of feelings. On the one hand I feel glad, and dare I say it lucky that I'm still here and am not in as bad a position as many other people who have been much less fortunate than myself. But there is still the part of me that wonders what is round the next corner, and if my luck is going to run out at some point. Maybe when all the other crap is sorted out I will be able to concentrate on the first set of feelings...

Where did it go wrong?

2008-04-26T01:22:00.004+01:00

Here I am again, which can mean only one thing... yes I need to offload again!

Where do I start?? Well, as you can see from the last couple of postings I made things weren't going too well. I was feeling quite down and life was a bit of a struggle. And it hasn't got any better. Somehow, just because I was quiet and reservced (and not like me at all) I have ended up being the victim of bullying and harassment in the workplace. That sounds quite strong when you write it down doesn't it? Sadly it's true.

I've been forced to do a lot of reflecting over the last week - and have had to open up some very painful wounds. This all started because a so-called friend at work forced me to open up and bare my soul - I told her some VERY personal and VERY painful things. Things I was happy to keep in my head, or at least on this blog. Things I don't like to talk about out loud. Things about my illness and the sometimes devastating effect it has had on my emotions and my outlook on life. All this to try and explain how the "problems" surrounding me were just that - my problems. Nothing to do with anyone else. I wasn't mad or upset with anyone. It was just me having a bit of a hard time living a life after cancer, yet I was doing this quietly and privately so was a bit withdrawn.

So - I open up, unwillingly and unusually, in the hope I can show that I don't have any issues with this so called friend. Just to try and explain what it is like to be me, an insight into my feelings and emotions. What I got back was quite frankly quite sinister, and there were some very nasty comments. The worst thing is, this hasn't just been from this one so called friend. She has enlisted the back up of a group of other colleagues who have made it impossible for me to function properly at work. I'm invisible to them now, and am excluded.

It's now affecting my whole life, I don't sleep well, don't eat well and spend far too much time, time that is precious to me, feeling down and moaning about it to my real friends. I don't like feeling so glum - I want to live life to the full, enjoy every precious minute. Yet every work day is so hard, and very draining for me. It's also incredibly stressful.

And as this is at work, I have now had to open up these wounds to others. People who do care and want to help me, but who I wouldn't necessarily share quite so much of my personal information with. I don't like to talk about my illness etc, I want to move on from it. I don't want to talk about it full stop! Yet I feel like I've been dragged back, and I'm hurting about it again. A lot.

When I had counselling last year, I had a big problem with opening up - always have done. That's one of the reasons I started to write this blog. I could do it anonymously here, I find it very therapeutic. This so called friend knew this, yet when she left me no option other than to open up, and say what was on my mind she turned it all around and fired back with all guns blazing. The reason for this is still a mystery to me. I did nothing but retreat a little while I got my head together.

So, where do I go from here? Do I let them "win" and leave? Do I care that the job I used to enjoy and have done for many years is now the cause of a lot of stress, anxiety and upset? Will I ever trust any of them again? Or do I grit my teeth and battle on in the hope that one day, some day it will all pass and they will turn their attention elsewhere? Will they ever realise what they have done, or how they have made me feel? Will they even care if they do?

I guess I will have to wait just a bit longer and wait for the situation to be dealt with by my bosses. The time has come to stand up to these bullies. That is not a nice feeling at all :(

Overreacting?

2008-03-27T00:26:00.004Z

I've had a funny couple of months, a time where I have begun to wonder if I am now a different person to the one I was before cancer.

The thing is, before cancer I was quite a happy-go-lucky type of girl. I was having fun, and enjoying a pretty carefree life. I worked hard, and then played hard too. Life was good.

Then along came the cancer diagnosis, the treatment, hospitals etc and I was forced to take a huge step away from my normal life. No work, and very little play. In the meantime the world kept spinning, but maybe I got left behind a bit? Friends moved on, had families, got divorced, started families etc. I was just the poor sod who had cancer, who was being so "brave"...

So - treatment ends and I try to go back to normal. I found this very difficult after a year out! This took me by surprise to be honest. Surely I should have been feeling great?? Seems that isn't quite how it works! But, another year on I am still wondering what the hell has happened to the old me. I think I have lost her forever, and I am probably still in mourning over that. The new me is much more emotional, and I "overreact" (not my words) now. Hmm. I think the truth is I just react now. I was so content before cancer, things didn't phase me, I brushed them off. I can't do that now. The world seems to be a very different place to me now.

Like I say, a funny few months where I seem to be moving further away from some friends who can't "get" the new me. I can't blame them I suppose, I don't get me either sometimes.

Long time no post...

2008-02-05T22:45:00.000Z

I haven't felt the need to post here for a long time. I suppose I have been enjoying life away from cancerland. Unfortunately I find myself there again... No - it's not a dreaded recurrance or anything. It's just taking up too much of my headspace just now. I need to offload so here I am, offloading.

First up, I am forced to think about cancer again as I am back at the hospital this week. Tomorrow I will be prodded and poked. I hate being prodded and poked. How undignified it is to have to show a complete stranger your mutilated body. Sounds dramatic?? Well, sadly it's the truth. My body is mutilated. I have one boob, and a very unsightly scar at the other side. Not nice. But the doctors need to check me, so I must lose all pride and show all again tomorrow.

Then I have the fun of sitting there while some poor sod tries to find a vein to put the drugs into. This gets harder each time, and I seem to be dreading it more and more as time goes by. That's not right is it? Surely I should be getting used to it by now! Hey ho.

As for emotions. All over the place at the mo. I have friends in dire situations and other friends who don't get how that affects me. It's difficult for everyone I suppose, but hard as I try to move away from cancerland it's always there in the back of my mind. I don't have the luxury of being able to pretend it wasn't part of my life. It IS part of my life, even a few years on.

So, that's me at the moment. All a bit mixed up really. Hopefully now I have put it in words I can move on again.

Needles and bruises

2007-08-11T16:55:00.001+01:00

Just a quick update to let you know I had another treatment (zoledronic acid) up at the hospital this week. Saw a new Oncologist, who was very pleasant but couldn't find half of my notes, hadn't filled in my chart properly and was struggling with his English. Can't say I had much faith in him really. I was going to ask about my teeth/jaw as I have been suffering with a bit of dental pain recently - nothing too bad but my teeth seem to have gone quite sensitive recently and one of the side effects of the drug I'm having is osteonecrosis of the jaw (where the blood supply to your bone is lost which causes the bone to die - nice!). Anyhow, I decided I'll ask my dentist when I go next month instead!! He is the expert on teeth after all and knows all about my medical history. Maybe I'll ask him for an x-ray...

So, all that took an hour and a bit (I was in with the doc for all of 5 minutes)! Then I went off to the chemo suite and waited some more. Finally got in and had a different nurse doing my treatment (a bloke - and very nice he was too!! I do like to try and find something good about going there!). It took him over half an hour to get the cannula in. We were all ready to go with it stuck half way up my arm, but then the pesky thing stopped flowing. So few more attempts and then finally got it stuck in my thumb - ouch! More bruises...

So that's it for 3 months again now. Next appointment is on 7 November. That will be my penultimate 3 monthly one I think (this was number 12), so will soon be onto 6 monthly trips (I think it changes after number 14). Maybe my veins will like the break...

Reading between the lines

2007-07-29T20:57:00.000+01:00

Not posted anything on here for a while, which is good cos that means I have been far away fom cancer land. Had a brief return there this week though when I finally received my letter confirming the results of my mammogram and ultrasound. It says:

I am very pleased to see that your repeat mammogram and ultrasound scan of the left breast on 5.7.07 has shown no cause for concern.

You should continue to receive appointments for a mammogram each May until 2022, all being well, on our surveillance programme.

Now, call me picky but was it really necessary to put those 3 words "all being well" in there?? I fully intend on still being here in 2022, but I don't need reminding that my future is uncertain...

Little known side effect of breast cancer, the ability to read between the lines!

I've been to the hospital today...

2007-07-05T23:41:00.000+01:00

...… and to save you skim reading to find the important bits - EVERYTHING IS OK.

However it was a really horrible stressful morning. Look up these words in a dictionary:

Fear
Upset
Relief

and you will see my face next to them. Talk about rollercoasters…

Anyhow, the reason I had been recalled from my last mammogram was cos there was an "area of concern" on the one I had a few weeks ago. There was as well, even I could see it! Cue fear setting in… They wanted to do another one to see if it was just a bit of overlapping tissue. Got squished again, then she started drawing lines on me (now I feel really sick) and goes off to have a look at the films. Then she says I have to go for an ultrasound, and as she takes me there she puts her hand on my shoulder and says "good luck". WTF!?!? Why do I need good luck???

So onto the ultrasound, he took AGES doing it and kept going back to the same bit. I'm starting to get into a bit of a state now, thinking the worst. He asks me if I have felt any lumps or anything, I haven't and I'm thinking WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME??? Argh. The he starts being all nice to me, trying to make me laugh and my paranoia is saying he's softening the blow, he's gonna hit me with it in a minute. I am now smearing the goo he put on me to do the ultrasound all over the place - up my arm, even onto my face. I can't even wipe stuff off me properly by this point!! (honestly, if it wasn't so traumatic it would be funny!). He then tells me to take a seat, I think I have stopped breathing by this point and he says "Everything is ok…" and I don't hear any other words cos I just burst into tears! I'm now covered in goo, crying (and probably got snot bubbles coming out of my nose!). I'm apologising, and he says "don't worry, it's nice" ?! (he was a bit of alright actually, not your typical doctor type, a bit rough and ready with a scouse accent - every cloud…). Finally I composed myself and he actually explained it all to me - that basically these things happen, blah blah blah and he can't assure me it won't happen again next time. I then get into narky mode, and ask why they couldn't have done all this 3 weeks ago, why did I have to get the scary letters, sleepless nights etc. He then explains all their daft systems to me, I start to lose interest and just want to get out of there FAST.

So, that's another trauma out of the way. I have spent most of the rest of the day with a drink in my hand. I think I deserved a couple!!

Back to earth with a bump...

2007-06-30T23:09:00.001+01:00

Got home from Portugal today (had a lovely holiday!) and had a letter waiting for me... It says:

"The radiologist is not quite happy with the pictures. I think that it is just because of the position of the breast, and I shall ask them to send for you again in order to make sure that there is nothing else requiring investigation

I hope that we will then be able to reassure you that all is well."

Shit!

Back to the hospital this Thursday...

Ouch

2007-06-13T23:31:00.000+01:00

I had my mammogram today. Not a pleasant experience! If you have never had one - just imagine having your boob squashed in a vice and you will have a pretty good idea of what it is like! Ouchy ouchy ouch.

I have to confess to feeling a bit wobbly today. I decided to go on the bus (avoid the car park!) but that didn't work cos I still had to walk through it. Durr!! I felt sick as I walked into the hospital, I don't have good memories of that place. I feel I need to explain a bit here... the hospital where I go for my mammos is a different one to where I had my ops and treatment, but it's the one where I was diagnosed. So I have only been back there twice since diagnosis and it just feels so, erm...horrible there.

The mammo itself was ok I suppose, I get the results "sometime in the next 3 weeks", so back to the waiting game again. I don't mean this in a cruel way, but people I know who haven't had cancer don't really get what waiting for results feel like for me. I try and explain to friends how I feel, but they don't get it really. They mean well when they say the things they do but I just don't think they understand the turmoil I go through. I guess having a friend affected by cancer when you are still pretty young is hard though...

I digress...back to today. I had to strip off to the waist and then sit in a waiting room in a lovely hospital gown. This is a horrible experience when you only have one boob. I felt really self conscious. By now I am feeling quite emotional too. The radio was on, and Daniel Powter - "Bad Day" came on. How apt! Managed not to cry in public though, so was quite pleased about that!

Then I got called through and the radiographer was really lovely, a really bubbly person and she put me at ease. Well as much as possible! What a strange job that must be, squashing people's boobs all day!

Back into the waiting room then, while they check the films (to make sure they have got a good enough "picture"). Must have been ok cos I was then told I could go.

So, I am now going to dread the arrival of the NHS envelope for the next 3 weeks... Is it possible to keep everything crossed for 3 weeks I wonder?

Just when you thought it was safe to look at the post...

2007-06-10T23:36:00.000+01:00

...another reminder of cancer pops through the letterbox.

On Thursday I received my appointment for my annual mammogram. The appointment was when I will be on holiday (13 days to go!!) so I had to phone up to change it. I got a cancellation, for this Wednesday...the 13th...

I felt sick when I put the phone down. I mean, I should be glad - get it out of the way and all that. But it did make me feel physically sick. I doubt I will get my results for a few weeks, so its back to the waiting game again.

Oh, and it means I have to go back to the place where all this started. Even the car park there makes me feel queasy...

Argh!

Race For Life

2007-06-03T23:41:00.000+01:00

Two of my friends did the Race For Life today, with my name on their vests. I'm so proud of them, but couldn't face going to watch them. Does that make me selfish?? No, I don't think it does. I just need a lot of space between me and cancer at the moment. I really feel like I just need a break from it.

They've raised lots of money for cancer research though - so well done to them!

Having said that,now it's June I'm hitting anniversaries again... On Tuesday it will be 2 years since my first op (an unsuccessful lumpectomy). 2 whole years. Wow!

I'm going on holiday again!

2007-05-27T14:43:00.000+01:00

I have booked another holiday!! I'm off to this villa:

It's near Albufeira, in Portugal and I go in 27 days time!!! I'm so excited. I've even managed to sort out some travel insurance that isn't costing me a fortune. It's a small fraction of the amount I had to pay last time.

Ain't life grand?

Another chapter over.

2007-05-22T16:44:00.000+01:00

I've had my final counselling session today. I thought it would be, although now I know it has finished I feel a bit odd, and a bit emotional really...

We started off reviewing the last couple of weeks. I'd been quite down when I ended up with that bug last week. It hit me on the anniversary of my diagnosis so I was quite upset about that (cos I felt so crap anyway), and in all honesty the fact I managed 11 months but not quite 12 months without any sickness really annoyed me (that's me being harsh on myself again!). Plus, there was an article in the local paper about the fashion show that mentioned that 4 of the women have died since last year (I knew that already), that I read when I felt awful anyway... But, I managed to pick myself back up when I stopped feeling so ill (and when I could talk again - 2 days with no voice is not good for me!!) rather than dwelling on it for ages.

So, today was all about closure and how far I have come. We've chatted about all the things I was struggling with, and all the things I have overcome. We've also chatted about where I am at now, the person I think I am now (I'm not half as hard on myself as I was!), and where I see myself going. We have come up with some ideas/suggestions to keep me on the straight and narrow and, perhaps more importantly for me how I can recognise the signs if I start to go downhill again (like when everyone and everything starts to piss me off!!, or when I stop answering the phone, make excuses not to socialise etc).

We also discussed all the resources I have around me to make sure I feel supported in the future (including her - I had to promise I'd go back if things go wrong!). And, we also went over my own transformation over the last however long it has been, and how I am now living very much in the present and not the past like I was, and how my attitude to my illness and the affect it had on my life has changed. I'm almost there with the looking into the future thing (well, I've almost booked another holiday and that is as good as it gets for now).

So, that's it! Well, that's this bit over with anyway... I'm going to keep writing my blog cos that seems to help (she really likes the idea of that).

Happy Anniversary to me...

2007-05-13T11:00:00.000+01:00

It was two years ago today that I received the terrible diagnosis that would change my life forever. On Friday 13 May 2005 at the age of 33 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

A day I will never ever forget, but as time goes by a day I hope to think about less and less...

Feeling ropey

2007-05-11T15:39:00.000+01:00

Hmm... Just when things were looking up I feel really ropey. I've been feeling a bit dodgy since I had the infusion of zoledronic acid on Wednesday. My head has been a bit odd, yesterday I felt sick and today I feel all fluey and have the mother of all sore throats. Not good.

So, after being back at work for 11 months I am off sick again, and let me tell you I am a bit peeved about that. I wanted to get back to my previous clean sickness record. I know it can't be helped but I just feel like I have fallen at the final hurdle. Another few weeks and I would have notched up a full 12 sickie free months. Hey ho.

Felt a bit sorry for myself last night too. Mostly cos I feel crap, and a little bit cos this is the Friday I was diagnosed 2 years ago (it's my "proper" anniversary on the 13th). I thought this particular milestone was going to slip by a little bit unnoticed this year but I seem to have stumbled onto it again...

I have at least one good vein :)

2007-05-09T19:00:00.000+01:00

Yes, yes, yes!! I was at the hospital today for another infusion of zoledronic acid and the lovely chemo nurse got the cannula in first time!!!! I can't tell you how good that feels. No bruises or anything this time. Fab!!

Also saw the Oncologist who after a really good prod and poke said everything is still ok. Thank god for that!!

So, no more hospital until August and I think I only have another 3 or 4 quarterly appointments to go to then it's 6 monthly ones! Imagine a whole 6 months without a hospital appointment...

I can see your true colours...

2007-05-08T21:11:00.000+01:00

Well, I've had a brief return into cancer world today cos I've been back to see my counsellor and have been for blood tests (my arm looks like a junkies!). I haven't seen my counsellor for quite a while (about 6 weeks?), not since before I went on holiday. I had thought about phoning up and cancelling, but I'm one of those people who likes to see something through so thought I should go up one last time just to tie up any loose ends etc...

So, we had a bit of a catch up and review today. Really good to do this, cos I knew I felt different and I knew I was more like the old me but actually having the chance to talk about it all has made me realise just how different I feel at the moment.

More than one person has commented that I seem different (including people who know nothing about my counselling etc). One friend of my mums said to her after a party the other week "She's back", cos I was my usual happy self, having a laugh (and kicking off with the management when things went wrong - hee hee!). She said I'd had a smile painted on before. Funny how some people can see right through you isn't it? My counsellor said she could tell I was different, not only by what I was saying and the fact I had a different hairdo, but my body language, the sparkle in my eyes etc.

We chatted about all the things I have overcome recently, all the hurdles I have had to get over culminating in the holiday I had completely dreaded (which was great once I got there!). Putting them all in one conversation really made me think how worthwhile going to see her has been. God knows what I'd be like now if I'd tried to carry on, struggling through. Funny thing is, now I look back I realise just how depressed I was. Even when I admitted I needed to see someone I don't think I realised how bad I was. Been a real eye opener has all this!

So - where do I go from here? I'm feeling more like the old me, but I still feel different. Not the damaged, sad me but a different, more contented me. I'm not quite as mardy these days anyway (well I don't think I am!!), and can cope better with other people. She has picked up on the fact I now have different boundaries, and I have changed some of my relationships (you definitely figure out who your real friends are when things go wrong!). But, do I really know how to carry on coping? I think yes but then again I have a sneaky suspicion that if things started to go wrong again I would climb back into my hole again. Still not keen on the asking for help thing. We also discussed a few other things to do with my future, and how I feel about them. Bit unsure on some of that...(but don't feel too bad either).

Plus, May/June is a big time for anniversaries for me. That sort of thing has come along and knocked me sideways before. I feel like I am ok with it all this time (I don't hate May for having 2 bank Holidays anymore, it's back to being party month!!) but she seems to think I shouldn't pack in my counselling until I am sure I am ok to be left to my own devices. So, we have reached a compromise that I won't go back again for a fortnight (although I am pencilled in for next Tuesday - just incase), where we will look at a few ways for me to keep on coping, and possible situations that could come up and knock me off track. Also, who knows after a game of hunt the vein tomorrow I might need a bit of therapy!

One final thing - if you ever get 5 mins Google Cyndi Lauper's "True Colours" lyrics. We've decided that is my song now (a throwback to the painting session I had) - cos at bl**din last I'm getting there!! :)

Bank Holiday

2007-05-06T11:58:00.000+01:00

It's the Bank Holiday weekend, and true to form it has just started to rain. I'm off to a barbeque later as well... Great.

I'm still feeling pretty good, and life is busy. I've had a new hairdo (I LOVE getting my hair done now), I would never have had my hair cut short before but since I've been bald any hair seems long!

I don't like to give cancer much headspace at the moment. Then, now and again I worry that I am getting complacent and have a little panic that I am going to jinx myself by trying to lead a normal life. It's like I am having to dare myself to live. But hey, what is life without risks?

Just as I am stepping away from cancer land, I have an appointment at the hospital this week as part of the trial I am taking part in. So, here's hoping my veins want to play along this time cos playing hunt the vein isn't much fun these days :(

Me 1 Cancer 0

2007-04-29T13:09:00.001+01:00

I haven't felt the need to write much recently. In fact, cancer hasn't really featured much in my life recently. It's like a switch has been flicked in my head and I'm back to acting and thinking like the old me.

Had a really good chat with a colleague at work the other day, and it made me realise just how depressed I have been over the last few months. I didn't realise it at the time but looking back I was very down. I guess it's understandable after all I have been through the last couple of years, even I can admit to struggling a bit now which is not easy believe me!!

So, all is good in my world at the moment. Long may it continue!!

She's back

2007-04-22T23:03:00.000+01:00

Last night I was at a party, with a lot of my friends and family. I had a really good time.

I saw a friend of my mum's today, and she said she watched me dancing around having fun last night and thought to herself "She's back".

I hope this is a sign of things to come. I really haven't felt like cancer girl as much these last few weeks. Does this mean I am finally moving on from it? Or is something going to come along and rock my boat again? I hate how this disease has changed me from an optimist to a pessimist...

2 years on...

2007-04-18T23:13:00.000+01:00

2 years ago today I went to see my gp about a lump in my right breast... What a horrible scary time that was and one that I don't want to dwell on just now because I actually feel quite good at the moment.

Back to reality

2007-04-17T23:06:00.000+01:00

Well, I am back and I really did have a great time. Not only was it a trip to another country, it was well and truly a break from cancer world. I can honestly say that for the first time in 2 years I didn't think about breast cancer much. Apart from a few problems getting my swimming boob dry, I felt just like any other person away enjoying their holiday with their family.

It really was just what I needed. I don't even begrudge the extortionate amount I had to pay for insurance now, it was worth every penny.

Birthdays and holidays

2007-03-31T15:44:00.000+01:00

It was my birthday yesterday. That's another year gone by... Hopefully I still have plenty more to come!

I'm off on holiday tonight, with my family to this lovely villa.

It's the first time abroad since I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago. In a lot of ways I have been dreading this holiday, and have had a lot of hurdles to overcome to get to this point. I have almost feared letting myself look forward to it. I do have this strange superstition about things like that now. Anyway, now the case is packed (hope I haven't forgotten anything!) I think I am almost giddy about it.

So, here goes - another step back into the real world...

Billy No Mates

2007-03-28T19:33:00.000+01:00

Neither of my swimming buddies can go tonight, so I'm not going either. I can't decide if this is cos I am lazy or if I am actually quite scared of going on my own. It's one thing going into a public swimming pool with a false boob with friends, but on my own...

So, I think I have answered myself there. I'm scared.

I thought I had sussed this, but perhaps not :(

Session number eight...

2007-03-27T19:54:00.000+01:00

I'm not quite as buoyant (hyper?) as I was last week. Not feeling particularly bad, and when you take into account all the additional stress I am under this week (off on holiday this Sunday so I'm busy at work, have got all my packing to do and a wedding to go to first!).

So, discussed where I'm at (we always start off with that). I am feeling happier, I don't spend as much time moping around, feeling depressed (not having any spare time helps!!) and I don't feel like I am dwelling on the past as much as I was. In fact, I started this blog over the weekend and have put bits from these e mails and the diaries I've been keeping since December 2005 on here. Kind of like emptying my head out, and hoping that it will help me move on. Plus it is a place I can come to empty any other thoughts I have in the future...

Just the future to sort out then! I still have a problem with that, and although I don't feel I am just "existing" any more I am still living very much for the moment and daren't look into the future. This isn't necessarily a problem, but it is for me cos I don't like the fact I am scared to plan things in advance. So, we did a lot of What If...? things. Like:

What if I die young, what would I want to do with my life?

What if I live to a ripe old age, what would I want to do with my life?

Do I want to live my life like it is short? if I do, what do I want to do? Then, if I live for a long time I will at least look back and be happy about all the things I did. if I die young, I won't regret wasting my life. Great ideas, but trust me it's easier said than done...and quite painful really.

It appears I am a bit weird about my birthday too (it's later this week). I really do want it to pass by quite unnoticed, and despite everyone nagging me I have managed to get away without sorting any kind of "celebration" out. This is linked to me not wanting to plan, and my "superstition" about booking anything nice (also missed out on some concert tickets this weekend cos of me dithering about them). Oh, and it being a bit of a weird time of year for me too (2 years ago I had just discovered the lump...)

Bit of homework for me... I'm going to bite the bullet and organise a piss up/weekend away with some of my friends to celebrate my (belated) birthday. But, I'm not to beat myself up about it if I don't do it... She did say that she thinks this is actually a massive thing to get my head round, but maybe doing something nice, not too far in the future might help me along the way. I can already feel the excuses building up in my mind though!

So, not all bad but still room for improvement and I am still going to go back to see her after my (and her) holidays. This means I won't see her until May 8th! She wasn't too happy about this, and has made me promise to phone the centre to see someone else if I have a crisis. I however think it will be good for me to "fly solo" for a while and see how I get on. I know I am much better than I was, but as they say the proof is in the pudding...

Session number seven...

2007-03-23T05:55:00.000Z

Well, today was a weird one! I definitely thought it was going to be my last one today, cos in all honesty I'm bored of talking about me now and really think I have made some changes recently...

So, we started off with me being a bit giggly (too much choc-o-milk this morning!). I was feeling very buoyant though, and after a "guess the baby" competition at work this morning where I laughed like I haven't for the last couple of years. I was on a bit of a high, and dare I say it felt quite like the old me (i.e. daft!). Maybe it was the after effects of the stress management course I'd been on this morning too (or maybe not!!). I did say though, that perhaps the fact I had been out of the office all morning had made a difference (I do feel myself plummet on a Tuesday when I get back to work after my 3 days away). Plus, I think I am starting to feel a bit end of termy, seeing as I go on holiday soon and it is my birthday next week. I even picked a yellow cup this morning (a throwback to my drawing last week!).

We then discussed all the things I feel good about, like:

1) Swimming
2) Reading (I have read half a book in a week, first time in 2 years!)
3) Managing to get into work early today (sounds like nothing, but another hurdle for me!).
4) Laughing, proper laughing, not just going through the motions stuff.

So, so far so good. But, in the midst of me waffling on she yet again picked up on a couple of things:

1) I won't plan things in advance
2) I won't ask for help, yet I'm happy to help everyone else.

The planning in advance thing is hard... It's my fear of the future that holds me back here (and I can't get the association of book holiday = diagnosed with cancer = cancel holiday thing out of my brain). I won't plan anything more than a few weeks in advance, I just can't look that far into the future. So, that means no social events, no home improvements, no holidays etc etc until the last minute (which then means I am flying round last minute - more stress!). Mixed in with this is the fear of spending money, hard to get it out of your head once you've ended up on no pay. So I'm hoarding my savings again, just incase... So, she thinks I need to start planning little, unimportant things say a month in the future, then 6 weeks etc etc, then move onto bigger more important things.

The asking for help thing is hard to deal with, cos I don't really know why I'm like I am, it's just how I always have been (at least as far as I can remember). I've always been very independent, and good at helping other people out but don't want to ask for anything in return. She keeps touching on this subject, but we don't ever come up with an answer. I think she thinks there is something I'm not telling her, but I don't think there is (or I don't know what it is anyway!). It's the same as the why do I find it hard to talk about my feelings thing. I just do.
So, I'm off up again next week. Cos although I feel loads better, and have sorted quite a lot of things out in my life I still have problems with the future (I'm still stood at a crossroads and don't know where I'm going!). Oh dear...

Swimming is good though, did 30 lengths last night.

Good news or not?

2007-03-16T02:58:00.000Z

Went swimming last night, and did 28 lengths. I think I was quicker than last week too so quite pleased about all that.

Oh, but my mums friend who went to the hospital with a lump last week went back to the hospital today. Results of the biopsy were inconclusive, so she has to go back in another 3 months... More waiting...

Waiting sucks.

Session number six...

2007-03-14T05:28:00.000Z

I've been to see my counsellor again this afternoon. Not as emotional as last week, but still had lots to discuss! I even had a go at drawing (!), more about that later...

I've been feeling quite flat/deflated over the last week. Problem is I can't put my finger on exactly why, but I know when I start blubbing while watching Fame Academy something isn't right!! This lead to a discussion about how I can let my emotions out (in private) to try and stop them just seeping out now and again. So, as music seems to trigger off some emotion I'm going to try and put a weepy one on (like Coldplay - Fix You, always makes me blub cos it was on the radio when I was having radiotherapy once...), or maybe a manic, stomp your feet one if I just feel pissed off and want a good rant, rave, RARR type thing.

Also, I've been on a hen night this weekend, which was fab and I had a really good time. But, I got all worried about it on Thursday last week when I discovered it might be 3 to a room in the hotel. I'm very comfortable with people who know me, cos they have seen me in my full lopsidedness before but the thought of sharing a room with a stranger...not good! (Although, it doesn't bother me when the leccy man comes to the house and catches me in my pjs - how weird am I?!?). As it turned out, me and a friend had a room for 2 when we got there but yet again it was something I wouldn't have worried about before, in fact I wouldn't have given a toss. On the other hand, the weekend was good - and apart from my friend and the hen, no-one knew about me having cancer so it was really nice to have a laugh with people who just took me as they found me. But, I did find myself feeling really envious of everyone at one point when I started to flag a bit and, well I just didn't feel like I used to. I just wanted to be "normal" like them, so that makes me feel sad when I remember I'm not.

Anyway, onto the drawing. We both feel like we keep going round in circles and although things do keep coming out we don't really have any direction. Cue the pastel crayons... In all honesty, I thought/think it is a load of tosh. But, I thought I'd give it a go. It showed I have a whole load of emotions/rubbish piled up and the real/old/new me is buried somewhere underneath. However, the me I let out in public is quite the opposite, "happy" me on the top covering up all the emotions/rubbish piled up underneath. I need to let "real" me win, and come through from the bottom in private to deal with my "issues" but I also need to let other people see that there is more underneath the shiny happy bit I put on show. So, my picture was upside down really. Interestingly, I didn't "draw" cancer in the picture of me though...

Blackpool - Go For It!

2007-03-11T16:46:00.000Z

I have had such a good weekend in Blackpool. It was a really tacky, cheesy hen night and I loved every minute of it!! There were 22 of us altogether and we had a riot. The afternoon was spent in the pleasure beach (I don't do rides though - too much of a scaredy cat!) and then we split up into groups to try and get loads of silly photos (had to chase a policeman down one street ). All this was inbetween more than a couple of drinks.

Last night we went to Funny Girls which was really good. All the bar staff are in drag, and I am so jealous of some of them. I would KILL for an arse and legs like some of them (and a pair of boobs!) Had a ball in there, it's a really good mixture of cheesy disco and cabaret. Great.

Went to a club later, and then had drinks in the hotel bar I was quite reserved though, some of them were still up at 4:45am!! Mind you, didn't get much sleep - my room was next to a lift...that talked...

I feel like I have really lived this weekend. And the best thing was only a couple of people knew about me having breast cancer, so for the first time in two years I almost felt "normal" again.

Session number five...

2007-03-08T07:56:00.000Z

Never got round to the painting, but it was quite an emotional one today and I feel quite drained and have a banging head now. We talked about allsorts really, cos I have been feeling quite down again over the last week, mostly down to things going on around me (e.g. met up with a friend last week - her son died in January!, plus my mum's friend was at hospital yesterday having a lump checked out, add that a few other friend's having various problems blah blah blah). All this adds up and makes me feel a bit worn out, with - as usual - no time for myself and how I feel. Don't get me wrong, it's not I that I don't want to hear about anyone elses problems, it's just there are a lot around at the moment and as I'm good at listening to others guess where they call...

Tried to discuss how I feel, and where I fit in with it all. Bit hard that, cos as ever I don't think about myself and my needs. As long as I make sure everyone else is ok... Also discussed how I am a bit of a pressure cooker (her words - but I'm pinching them!) and I'm full and need a massive blowout cos every little (and in my opinion petty!) thing just gets on my nerves and drains me even more, and adds to the pot (but don't get me wrong, I don't dwell on the petty stuff - can't be arsed!). Also discussed that I feel useless (my words this time - she wasn't too keen!) when I feel like I can't/won't cope, or I'm not functioning like I used to - cos I don't do not coping, or emotion, or any of this really. I just want to be shiny, happy old me but as that isn't possible I need to figure out what tarnished, slightly damaged and a bit emotional old me is... Shame I never had a massive desire to do something that I could aim for, but I've always been one of those people who doesn't make plans, things just happen.

So, not surprisingly I'm off up there again this week. Not too sure how I feel about that really cos I feel worse today for going, but I think that's how it's supposed to work...

I went swimming again earlier and did 26 lengths though, which is good.

Mixed day

2007-03-06T03:03:00.000Z

I've had quite a nice day today, swimming, babies and friends all round but then I spoke to my mum and I completely forgot that her friend (same age as me) was at the hospital today having a lump checked out. She had a mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy. Results next week... I felt sick to the stomach when my mum was telling me about it all. Apparantly the hospital was PACKED. All those poor people...

Swimming again.

2007-03-01T06:40:00.000Z

Been swimming, did 24 lengths this week. Really chuffed with myself but I am very tired. In a good way though.

Session number four...

2007-02-28T06:14:00.000Z

Started off really good, cos we had a bit of a review and I have sorted a lot of things out (i.e. been swimming, become more sociable etc). I'm also feeling a lot happier about the impending holiday, now it's closer and I have sorted out the swimming cozzie side (who'd have thought a piece of lycra could be so significant, and going swimming could be such an emotional event!).

However, I had a couple of other issues about the holiday (like do I make sure I don't wander around with one boob? or do I act like I would at home on my own? How do I deal with the inevitable questions from the kids if I don't put my falsie in first thing in a morning, blah blah blah). All easy stuff to chat about, and I'm going to play it all by ear but I feel more prepared now.

But, she has quite rightly pointed out that I let my head "win" and don't allow my emotions out if at all possible. I'm having really mixed emotions at the moment. I feel great when I'm occupied doing things I enjoy (I only stayed in one night last week, was out and about the rest of the time - felt fab, and more like the old me). But, when it comes to normal, mundane day to day stuff (work comes into this category at the moment I'm afraid) I find myself feeling anxious/annoyed/upset (delete as appropriate - but only when I'm on my own!!).

I also said I feel a bit odd at the moment cos this time last year I was in the last week of radiotherapy, so on the one hand I feel elated that it is a year ago and I'm still here but on the other hand I feel worried that now I have had a year without aggressive treatments what is going on now...

Anyway, lots of other things have come out. She thinks there is a link between my dad dying from cancer, and the way I feel at the moment (and I didn't even realise I had mentioned him much!). I think she's right, my close experience of cancer is you have it, you have a lot of treatment, then you die (sorry to be blunt). Plus I am emotionally very like my dad, he didn't do upset either (in fact none of my family do). But, will I give in and let it all out so I can try and deal with it (and the things she doesn't think I have actually dealt with in the past) - will I chuff!

So next week is painting/drawing with my left hand... She knows I think it is a lot of nonsense but she wants to try and beat the strong logical part of my brain into submission to allow the emotional bit to have it's say. Watch this space... (I reckon we'll just find out I am ambidextrous!).

I'm a model...

2007-02-23T16:52:00.000Z

... well I'm not really!

I've had a phone call from the people I did a fashion show with last year tonight, asking me if I'd do it again this year (it is to raise money for a local cancer charity). I've declined, but feel a bit bad for saying no. I don't think it would be a good idea for me to do it again though, it's a big commitment and in all honesty I found being surrounded by so many people with breast cancer a bit overfacing. Is that bad??

I did it! I did it! I did it!

2007-02-22T06:53:00.000Z

I am BUZZING. I did 20 lengths and probably won't be able to walk tomorrow but it feels GOOD.

I was soooo worried when I set off and felt VERY self conscious when I stepped out of my cubicle in the changing rooms, but do you know what? No-one even gave me a second glance. I went with a friend and she said it looked good too.

It was easier afterwards having short hair too!! No detangling necessary!!

I actually feel quite emotional. I've leapt over a big hurdle tonight and I'm really chuffed with myself.

Session number three...

2007-02-21T03:00:00.000Z

Saw counsellor yesterday. In all honesty I was thinking about packing it in when I was on the bus on the way there. After my lovely week last week (had the week off work!) I felt so much better. Anyway, I won't bore you all with details, but let's just say she unlocked a few doors and dug up a few things that we need to work on so I'm going to carry on for a while longer... I am finding it very hard though, I've always dealt with things well (in my opinion) and kept my emotions in check so all this is new for me.

She was very interested to hear how I bare my soul on the internet while I keep a lot hidden from my friends and family...

Now, I am off swimming for the first time since I had my operation. I even have a special boob to wear, called a been-a-boob http://www.janacsportswear.ca/products.htm#bab Hope it does the trick! I'm feeling half nervous, half excited.

I got one!! Well two actually!

2007-02-13T20:53:00.000Z

Today I went to the mastectomy wear shop. They didn't have anything that would fit me!! The ladies in the shop were lovely, and said they were expecting some new stock in soon that would cater for my size. I left them my phone number so they could call me when these TWO styles arrive - both of which are vile and even my almost 60 year old mum thought were horrible and old fashioned.

So, I'm really pissed off at this point and decide I NEED to spend some money to cheer myself up so I trecked over to a huge M&S and guess what....I GOT TWO COZZIES!! I need to get them pocketed, but other than that they are bloody well perfect for me. Good old M&S. Will phone the specialist shop tomorrow to sort out getting pockets sewn in I think...

Grumpy

2007-02-09T04:57:00.000Z

Went to bed in a right grump last night. I decided to look at all the websites that do mastectomy swimwear, and found... nothing, nada, zilch! Ended up on page 13 of the results that came when I googled "mastectomy wear", then pretty much gave up. Many sites claim to do bigger sizes, but when you actually start looking it seems I am just TOO fat or my cup size is TOO big, or they have wires in, or the ONE I did find... sold out... *sigh* So gave it up as a bad job and went to bed, feeling very deflated (not enough to fit into a blinkin cozzie though!!). I will not think about this again until I go to that shop next week.

Needles - ouch!

2007-02-08T02:17:00.001Z

Seen my Oncologist this morning and he is pleased with me. Had a good prod and a poke and my bloods are all fine too. Then I had to go to the chemo suite for a treatment (I'm taking part in a trial - so have zoledronic acid, a bisphosphonate, through a drip once every 3 months). It took over 30 minutes and more than a few attempts to get a vein this time. Ouchy oucy ouch

Session number two...

2007-02-07T02:10:00.000Z

Today's session went ok I suppose. I'm not in a bad place today, but she still managed to evoke some emotion from me that I didn't realise was lurking there, deep inside. It seems I have real problems with holidays... I'll try explain.

Pre bc I went on lots and lots of holidays every year, usually booked at the last minute and I loved jetting off here there and everywhere. Then, in Jan 2005 I decided it would be a good idea to book something for that summer, early for a change. So I did and all was good. Then, I was diagnosed in May and had to cancel it and ended up starting chemo on the week I should have gone away... Cancelling it was a farce, and of course I was peeved that I couldn't go away. So now, the thought of pre booking anything fills me with dread, cos I worry that something will happen and I have to cancel. I felt "forced" into booking a family holiday to Cyprus last September and I have, deep down, been fretting about it ever since.Plus there is the added complication that the type of holiday I love is a bit difficult now, ie I used to go away and do very little, laze in the sun, read etc... Should keep out of the sun more (rads), can't get suitable swimwear (lopsided, scars etc), struggle to get suitable clothing (too fat - body issues!), don't want to get hot (sensitive skin/prosthesis uncomfortable), can't read (no concentration/now need specs), extortionate insurance (like being fined for having cancer!) . The list goes on....So, my "mission" for the next week or so (am off work for a week next week) is to address the swimwear problem. There is a specialist shop that I have put off going to, cos I really don't know what I will do if I can't find something. Hopefully I will find something, but if I don't I will just need to deal with that at the time....She has also suggested I write a bit of an autobiography, to try and figure out times in my life when I was really happy and see if it helps me get some idea of where I see myself going now. Cos that is a big problem... I don't know what I want out of my lidfe any more, but I do know I'm sick of just existing She says this might help, and I should dig out old photos etc. She did warn me I might find it painful though. I'll give it a go...

At least my blood tests went ok today - I had a good phlebotomist! I am back at the hospital tomorrow for my trial drug. More about that another day..

Session number one...

2007-01-31T02:06:00.000Z

Well, I've been... I don't know what I think about it to be honest. That about sums me up at the moment, I just don't know anything! I cried a lot, and was very honest with her how I feel but I honestly don't understand how she is going to help me out. She said I am too hard on myself, and it's obvious I have a lot of anger towards the fact I had breast cancer, the fact I had it in my thirties, the effect it has had on my life blah blah blah. I knew all this though, I know I'm pissed off...She also picked up on the fact that I am usually the one who helps other people with their problems, I'm the one who's shoulder people cry on. I don't allow myself to cry on anyone elses, I see that as a weakness (in myself - I don't do face leaking "normally" and I have always dealt with all the shit thrown at me in the past). I said I am a control freak, and she agrees!She thinks I need to figure out who I am post bc, and what I want in life. I do not know the answer to that at the moment so maybe she will be able to help me figure that out.She did mention me screaming and shouting in her office, and that might help. Not me I'm afraid. Oh, and something about using pastel crayons with my left hand, colour therapy or something - to get it all out onto paper. Also not my kind of thing... She'll have me hugging flippin trees next!So, mixed feelings really. I do feel better for admitting I need help and it was good to chat to a stranger about it. But, I'm not sure if she's the best stranger to help me deal with it. We'll see...I have another appointment same time next week...

Hmm... Perhaps I'm not coping...

2007-01-31T01:12:00.000Z

Went to see my GP this morning. Apparantly I am having a "delayed stress reaction". I bounced through the diagnosis, treatment, returning to work etc then CRASH I hit the floor. I've been struggling for a while now, and am fed up with feeling fed up so have decided to try and get some help. I don't want tablets or anything, but I think I just need someone to talk to so he's trying to sort out some counselling for me. This is all a bit alien for me, I don't "do" emotions.

I know I can't carry on like this though, I feel like I am in a rut and am just existing. I want to live the life of a 34 year old not some poor sod who has had to deal with a life threatening illness...

I just feel like the world is continuing to spin lke normal, but I am out of step with it at the moment.

Is it that time already?

2006-11-01T19:27:00.000Z

I was back up at the hospital today.

Onc had a good old prod and poke around my neck, shoulders, mastectomy scar, ribs etc. She even looked in my mouth cos there can be probs in there with the drug I'm having. All this within an hour of my actual appointment time - so far so good!

She seemed pleased with my progress and said I was doing just fine (needed to hear that today, been feeling a bit down in the bc department).

Then I trotted off to the chemo suite, and only had about an hours wait there before I got my treatment. New nurse, who I have never seen before had a go at my veins and managed to give me a bruise on the knuckle of my little finger. She seemed surprised when I said OUCH!! She gave up then, and asked one of the others to have a go. She managed to get it in a vein on the knuckle of my thumb, which also hurt like hell but at least it worked. Another bruise forming there though.

Was all done by lunchtime so went to work. Typical, now I'm at work I get sorted out super fast!

One lovely thing today, there were 2 girls in having chemo and we got chatting. They were really pleased to talk to someone who was at the "other side" of chemo, and were really giddy about my hair. It felt good to think I made them smile, even if only for a while.

It's raining, it's pouring

2006-10-06T18:41:00.000+01:00

Just popped to the cash machine on the way home, and got caught out in a downpour. Everyone else around was dashing about, putting up brollies etc. I just stood there, got soaked and thought how nice it felt - to have wet hair in the rain. Weird perhaps, but it was just one of those little things that makes you glad to be alive...

New hair

2006-09-22T19:51:00.000+01:00

It felt sooooo good having my hair done again. I've already booked myself an appointment for 11 December so I can have it coloured for Christmas (my works do is on the 15th)!! I'm really looking forward to that, I'll feel more like my old self when I have a bit of colour in it.

This might sound daft, but I really felt like I'd achieved something yesterday when I had my hair done. Like I had ticked another thing off a list or something.

Hair cut!

2006-09-20T19:51:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow I'm having my first post chemo haircut!! I'm quite excited:)

More bad news

2006-09-14T00:17:00.000+01:00

My aunt phoned earlier, her best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer a few weeks ago and had a mastectomy last week. She got her post op results today, and has found out she will be having chemo and rads so is a bit upset. My aunt was a bit flustered about it all so phoned me for a bit more info. Horrible, nasty disease.

End of phased return

2006-09-08T17:18:00.000+01:00

I've officially finished my phased return today. I can't believe I have been back at work 3 months. Doesn't time fly when you are having fun? Also got chance to have quite a good chat with my managers today, they are so good to me. I am very lucky to work for such a caring employer. Although I'm supposed to be back doing my job fully from Monday, I know they will give me a lot of support if I need it.

Dentist

2006-09-07T00:56:00.000+01:00

I was at the dentist this morning. No problems there, but I have had to give him some information from the hospital to do with the trial I am taking part in. They've discovered that some people have/are suffering from some jaw problems with it so the dentist has to check with the hospital if he wants to do any surgical work on me. He gave me a very thorough check up, felt all round my jaw area and neck.

Insurance part 2

2006-09-03T13:46:00.000+01:00

We've got it sorted now (it's taken over 3 hours!) and it has cost me an extra £250. I'm still a bit tearful to be honest, just cos yet again bc has got in the way of my life. But hey, shit happens eh?

The holiday had better be bloody good now!!

Insurance

2006-09-03T11:37:00.000+01:00

I hate this f***in disease!!!!

Last night I booked a holiday with my family. The company have phoned my brother this morning to say they can't accept our booking until they have details of our insurance. Bet you can't guess why we didn't just accept their bog standard policy.....

Anyway, cue me frantically phoning round to try and get a policy today so we can confirm our booking.....AND ALL THE COMPANIES I'VE TRIED SO FAR ARE SHUT COS IT'S SUNDAY. I'm so frustrated I'm in tears.

I did get one quote online - for over £500... It's so unfair, I would have sorted it out as soon as, but now I feel like the holiday company are forcing me to rush and pay over the odds. I'm so f***in mad and upset. It's like being fined for being ill.

I am going on a summer holiday...

2006-09-02T23:54:00.000+01:00

Well, nearly summer...

I've booked a holiday today. I'm off to Cyprus for Easter next year with my family. It's for a special occasion, so we've booked a villa and it sounds lovely.

I have to confess it felt a bit odd booking it...I've always been a last minute type of girl, I hate planning for things in advance... Last year was the first time in years that I booked a holiday in advance, and I ended up having to cancel cos I got diagnosed with breast cancer... Like I said, I just felt a bit odd, planning something...

Holidays and anniversaries

2006-08-05T11:03:00.000+01:00

Today it is one year since I started chemo. So, to mark the occasion I am off on holiday, to a cottage for a well earned rest.

Leaky face.

2006-08-03T23:10:00.000+01:00

Today I have been tired and grumpy again. Work got on my nerves, and I felt like crying a couple of times (which I would HATE to do, I rarely cry in public). I was so glad when it was hometime.

My hospital buddy texted me earlier to tell me she was off to the hospital cos she has some swelling in her neck. She's really worried about it. I must get in touch with her again tomorrow to see how she got on. F***in disease.

I've been round to my best mates house for tea tonight. Did I tell her how down I am feeling? Did I chuff, I put my shiny happy smiley face on and pretended everything was ok. Why do I do that? She's been my mate for 28 years so why do I feel like I have to protect her from the dark side of all this. I did tell her about the lady who has died, and she had a horrible look of fear in her eyes as I told her. I hate the affect all this shite has on my friends and family as well.

Oh, I'm really sick of myself now. My face has started leaking again.

More needles.

2006-08-02T17:15:00.000+01:00

I had a hospital appointment this morning for my zoledronic acid. I get to see the Onc each time I go, and he actually had a prod round my bits today (first time since op last year). He said everything felt ok which is good. He made me laugh, cos he said "Right, I need to examine you this time so get your kit off" He is very abrupt! I know a lot of people don't like him but he amuses me. I'd put a bit more weight on this time as well, and he said "Get over it, it's only a pound!", then I asked him if there was anything I could do to help get rid of fluid retention/swollen ankles/swollen feet and he said "excercise more and lose some weight". I can't win...

I then spent AGES waiting on the chemo suite for the pharmacy to send my stuff up. While I was waiting, I saw one of the ladies who was in the fashion show with me in May. She had some really sad news, another lady who was in the show died last week. She was only 43. I just burst into tears. Another lovely person lost to this bloody disease.

Chemo nurse got straight into a vein today - but I now have a bruise, and another one from my blood tests yesterday. I look like a junkie.