Session number two...

Today's session went ok I suppose. I'm not in a bad place today, but she still managed to evoke some emotion from me that I didn't realise was lurking there, deep inside. It seems I have real problems with holidays... I'll try explain.

Pre bc I went on lots and lots of holidays every year, usually booked at the last minute and I loved jetting off here there and everywhere. Then, in Jan 2005 I decided it would be a good idea to book something for that summer, early for a change. So I did and all was good. Then, I was diagnosed in May and had to cancel it and ended up starting chemo on the week I should have gone away... Cancelling it was a farce, and of course I was peeved that I couldn't go away. So now, the thought of pre booking anything fills me with dread, cos I worry that something will happen and I have to cancel. I felt "forced" into booking a family holiday to Cyprus last September and I have, deep down, been fretting about it ever since.Plus there is the added complication that the type of holiday I love is a bit difficult now, ie I used to go away and do very little, laze in the sun, read etc... Should keep out of the sun more (rads), can't get suitable swimwear (lopsided, scars etc), struggle to get suitable clothing (too fat - body issues!), don't want to get hot (sensitive skin/prosthesis uncomfortable), can't read (no concentration/now need specs), extortionate insurance (like being fined for having cancer!) . The list goes on....So, my "mission" for the next week or so (am off work for a week next week) is to address the swimwear problem. There is a specialist shop that I have put off going to, cos I really don't know what I will do if I can't find something. Hopefully I will find something, but if I don't I will just need to deal with that at the time....She has also suggested I write a bit of an autobiography, to try and figure out times in my life when I was really happy and see if it helps me get some idea of where I see myself going now. Cos that is a big problem... I don't know what I want out of my lidfe any more, but I do know I'm sick of just existing She says this might help, and I should dig out old photos etc. She did warn me I might find it painful though. I'll give it a go...

At least my blood tests went ok today - I had a good phlebotomist! I am back at the hospital tomorrow for my trial drug. More about that another day..

Session number one...

Well, I've been... I don't know what I think about it to be honest. That about sums me up at the moment, I just don't know anything! I cried a lot, and was very honest with her how I feel but I honestly don't understand how she is going to help me out. She said I am too hard on myself, and it's obvious I have a lot of anger towards the fact I had breast cancer, the fact I had it in my thirties, the effect it has had on my life blah blah blah. I knew all this though, I know I'm pissed off...She also picked up on the fact that I am usually the one who helps other people with their problems, I'm the one who's shoulder people cry on. I don't allow myself to cry on anyone elses, I see that as a weakness (in myself - I don't do face leaking "normally" and I have always dealt with all the shit thrown at me in the past). I said I am a control freak, and she agrees!She thinks I need to figure out who I am post bc, and what I want in life. I do not know the answer to that at the moment so maybe she will be able to help me figure that out.She did mention me screaming and shouting in her office, and that might help. Not me I'm afraid. Oh, and something about using pastel crayons with my left hand, colour therapy or something - to get it all out onto paper. Also not my kind of thing... She'll have me hugging flippin trees next!So, mixed feelings really. I do feel better for admitting I need help and it was good to chat to a stranger about it. But, I'm not sure if she's the best stranger to help me deal with it. We'll see...I have another appointment same time next week...

Hmm... Perhaps I'm not coping...

Went to see my GP this morning. Apparantly I am having a "delayed stress reaction". I bounced through the diagnosis, treatment, returning to work etc then CRASH I hit the floor. I've been struggling for a while now, and am fed up with feeling fed up so have decided to try and get some help. I don't want tablets or anything, but I think I just need someone to talk to so he's trying to sort out some counselling for me. This is all a bit alien for me, I don't "do" emotions.

I know I can't carry on like this though, I feel like I am in a rut and am just existing. I want to live the life of a 34 year old not some poor sod who has had to deal with a life threatening illness...

I just feel like the world is continuing to spin lke normal, but I am out of step with it at the moment.

Is it that time already?

I was back up at the hospital today.

Onc had a good old prod and poke around my neck, shoulders, mastectomy scar, ribs etc. She even looked in my mouth cos there can be probs in there with the drug I'm having. All this within an hour of my actual appointment time - so far so good!

She seemed pleased with my progress and said I was doing just fine (needed to hear that today, been feeling a bit down in the bc department).

Then I trotted off to the chemo suite, and only had about an hours wait there before I got my treatment. New nurse, who I have never seen before had a go at my veins and managed to give me a bruise on the knuckle of my little finger. She seemed surprised when I said OUCH!! She gave up then, and asked one of the others to have a go. She managed to get it in a vein on the knuckle of my thumb, which also hurt like hell but at least it worked. Another bruise forming there though.

Was all done by lunchtime so went to work. Typical, now I'm at work I get sorted out super fast!

One lovely thing today, there were 2 girls in having chemo and we got chatting. They were really pleased to talk to someone who was at the "other side" of chemo, and were really giddy about my hair. It felt good to think I made them smile, even if only for a while.

It's raining, it's pouring

Just popped to the cash machine on the way home, and got caught out in a downpour. Everyone else around was dashing about, putting up brollies etc. I just stood there, got soaked and thought how nice it felt - to have wet hair in the rain. Weird perhaps, but it was just one of those little things that makes you glad to be alive...

New hair

It felt sooooo good having my hair done again. I've already booked myself an appointment for 11 December so I can have it coloured for Christmas (my works do is on the 15th)!! I'm really looking forward to that, I'll feel more like my old self when I have a bit of colour in it.

This might sound daft, but I really felt like I'd achieved something yesterday when I had my hair done. Like I had ticked another thing off a list or something.

Hair cut!

Tomorrow I'm having my first post chemo haircut!! I'm quite excited:)