Hrumph

I don't come here very often now. In fact, I don't even like thinking about it much these days. Life is treating me much better nowadays.

But, another hospital check up looms and look where I come...

God damn roller coaster :(

Mammo mia here I go again

It's been a few months since I posted, but as it is summer it means one thing...Mammogram.

I had it a couple of weeks ago and have been nervously waiting for the results since then. I try to kid myself and everyone I know that it's just routine, it's nothing, test results - what test results?? But underneath this calm exterior is a real worrier. Wondering what every glance means in the waiting room. Did the radiographer just look at me in a sympathetic way then?? Has she seen something when she quickly checked the film? Have they sent me to this room (where I was diagnosed) because that is the bad news room?? Cancer really does mess with your head!

So, when I saw the envelope on the doormat I felt sick. I can recognise an NHS letter at 20 paces now you know! You can't imagine the relief that flooded through me when I saw the words:

"there are no radiological features to cause any concern"

Phew!

Work situation continues to be a complete nightmare sadly - but I am going to try to enjoy this nice feeling of relief for a couple of days at least!

Back to the hospital...

I've been to the hospital today for another dose of the delightful sounding zoledronic acid.  While I was there I had a blood test to find out if I am now post menopausal. I'm 36, and my periods stopped when I had treatment in 2005/06 - never to return. My Onc now wants me to change from Tamoxifen to Aromasin, so has tested me today to check my menopausal status...

I don't know how I feel about this really. Part of me is glad - the less estrogen produced in my body the better, and I can't say I miss having periods! But, now it is going to be confirmed that cancer has left me infertile (I don't have any kids) I feel very sad. Ok, I've never rushed to start a family but I always thought that was a choice I could still make for many years to come.

Gosh - things just keep coming along on this long and winding road don't they!?! I'm not even sure if I am asking a question here, or just sounding off... Thanks for listening anyway!

Dipping my toes back into cancerland

I’ve been to the hospital today. Everything seems ok again thankfully. My Oncologist thinks I will be changing my medication next time I go as he is now quite certain I am post menopausal. I’ll be changing onto another drug – Aromasin (exemestane) so will have a whole load of new side effects to discover! From the little I do know, it seems that taking Aromasin after Tamoxifen seems to work well and keep cancer at bay more than Tamoxifen alone so I’m willing to give it a try. I will also have to have a bone scan as Aromasin isn’t too kind on your bones (or hair!). I’m feeling very 50/50 about that. I do have some aches and pains that I put down to Tamoxifen etc – none of them cause me any trouble really or are there all the time. At least if I have another scan I’ll know for certain. Gulp.

Not surprisingly I burst into tears when I saw him. I didn’t really manage to get much out of my mouth to be honest, but he knows I have had time off because of stress and it is still ongoing. Like my GP he asked if I was getting support from work, and said (his words) “This is the last thing you need right now”. I said I had seen Occ. Health and was hoping to see them again soon… (I emailed them again yesterday).

The actual treatment went ok - the nurse got straight into a vein. Hurrah!! That makes a change.

For the first time since I returned to work after my original cancer treatment I didn't go back to work afterwards today. I can't face it when I have this to deal with.

So, I’m done for 6 months now.

Long time no post...

I haven't felt the need to post here for a long time. I suppose I have been enjoying life away from cancerland. Unfortunately I find myself there again... No - it's not a dreaded recurrance or anything. It's just taking up too much of my headspace just now. I need to offload so here I am, offloading.

First up, I am forced to think about cancer again as I am back at the hospital this week. Tomorrow I will be prodded and poked. I hate being prodded and poked. How undignified it is to have to show a complete stranger your mutilated body. Sounds dramatic?? Well, sadly it's the truth. My body is mutilated. I have one boob, and a very unsightly scar at the other side. Not nice. But the doctors need to check me, so I must lose all pride and show all again tomorrow.

Then I have the fun of sitting there while some poor sod tries to find a vein to put the drugs into. This gets harder each time, and I seem to be dreading it more and more as time goes by. That's not right is it? Surely I should be getting used to it by now! Hey ho.

As for emotions. All over the place at the mo. I have friends in dire situations and other friends who don't get how that affects me. It's difficult for everyone I suppose, but hard as I try to move away from cancerland it's always there in the back of my mind. I don't have the luxury of being able to pretend it wasn't part of my life. It IS part of my life, even a few years on.

So, that's me at the moment. All a bit mixed up really. Hopefully now I have put it in words I can move on again.

Needles and bruises

Just a quick update to let you know I had another treatment (zoledronic acid) up at the hospital this week. Saw a new Oncologist, who was very pleasant but couldn't find half of my notes, hadn't filled in my chart properly and was struggling with his English. Can't say I had much faith in him really. I was going to ask about my teeth/jaw as I have been suffering with a bit of dental pain recently - nothing too bad but my teeth seem to have gone quite sensitive recently and one of the side effects of the drug I'm having is osteonecrosis of the jaw (where the blood supply to your bone is lost which causes the bone to die - nice!). Anyhow, I decided I'll ask my dentist when I go next month instead!! He is the expert on teeth after all and knows all about my medical history. Maybe I'll ask him for an x-ray...

So, all that took an hour and a bit (I was in with the doc for all of 5 minutes)! Then I went off to the chemo suite and waited some more. Finally got in and had a different nurse doing my treatment (a bloke - and very nice he was too!! I do like to try and find something good about going there!). It took him over half an hour to get the cannula in. We were all ready to go with it stuck half way up my arm, but then the pesky thing stopped flowing. So few more attempts and then finally got it stuck in my thumb - ouch! More bruises...

So that's it for 3 months again now. Next appointment is on 7 November. That will be my penultimate 3 monthly one I think (this was number 12), so will soon be onto 6 monthly trips (I think it changes after number 14). Maybe my veins will like the break...

Ouch

I had my mammogram today. Not a pleasant experience! If you have never had one - just imagine having your boob squashed in a vice and you will have a pretty good idea of what it is like! Ouchy ouchy ouch.

I have to confess to feeling a bit wobbly today. I decided to go on the bus (avoid the car park!) but that didn't work cos I still had to walk through it. Durr!! I felt sick as I walked into the hospital, I don't have good memories of that place. I feel I need to explain a bit here... the hospital where I go for my mammos is a different one to where I had my ops and treatment, but it's the one where I was diagnosed. So I have only been back there twice since diagnosis and it just feels so, erm...horrible there.

The mammo itself was ok I suppose, I get the results "sometime in the next 3 weeks", so back to the waiting game again. I don't mean this in a cruel way, but people I know who haven't had cancer don't really get what waiting for results feel like for me. I try and explain to friends how I feel, but they don't get it really. They mean well when they say the things they do but I just don't think they understand the turmoil I go through. I guess having a friend affected by cancer when you are still pretty young is hard though...

I digress...back to today. I had to strip off to the waist and then sit in a waiting room in a lovely hospital gown. This is a horrible experience when you only have one boob. I felt really self conscious. By now I am feeling quite emotional too. The radio was on, and Daniel Powter - "Bad Day" came on. How apt! Managed not to cry in public though, so was quite pleased about that!

Then I got called through and the radiographer was really lovely, a really bubbly person and she put me at ease. Well as much as possible! What a strange job that must be, squashing people's boobs all day!

Back into the waiting room then, while they check the films (to make sure they have got a good enough "picture"). Must have been ok cos I was then told I could go.

So, I am now going to dread the arrival of the NHS envelope for the next 3 weeks... Is it possible to keep everything crossed for 3 weeks I wonder?

I have at least one good vein :)

Yes, yes, yes!! I was at the hospital today for another infusion of zoledronic acid and the lovely chemo nurse got the cannula in first time!!!! I can't tell you how good that feels. No bruises or anything this time. Fab!!

Also saw the Oncologist who after a really good prod and poke said everything is still ok. Thank god for that!!

So, no more hospital until August and I think I only have another 3 or 4 quarterly appointments to go to then it's 6 monthly ones! Imagine a whole 6 months without a hospital appointment...

Bank Holiday

It's the Bank Holiday weekend, and true to form it has just started to rain. I'm off to a barbeque later as well... Great.

I'm still feeling pretty good, and life is busy. I've had a new hairdo (I LOVE getting my hair done now), I would never have had my hair cut short before but since I've been bald any hair seems long!

I don't like to give cancer much headspace at the moment. Then, now and again I worry that I am getting complacent and have a little panic that I am going to jinx myself by trying to lead a normal life. It's like I am having to dare myself to live. But hey, what is life without risks?

Just as I am stepping away from cancer land, I have an appointment at the hospital this week as part of the trial I am taking part in. So, here's hoping my veins want to play along this time cos playing hunt the vein isn't much fun these days :(

Good news or not?

Went swimming last night, and did 28 lengths. I think I was quicker than last week too so quite pleased about all that.

Oh, but my mums friend who went to the hospital with a lump last week went back to the hospital today. Results of the biopsy were inconclusive, so she has to go back in another 3 months... More waiting...

Waiting sucks.

Is it that time already?

I was back up at the hospital today.

Onc had a good old prod and poke around my neck, shoulders, mastectomy scar, ribs etc. She even looked in my mouth cos there can be probs in there with the drug I'm having. All this within an hour of my actual appointment time - so far so good!

She seemed pleased with my progress and said I was doing just fine (needed to hear that today, been feeling a bit down in the bc department).

Then I trotted off to the chemo suite, and only had about an hours wait there before I got my treatment. New nurse, who I have never seen before had a go at my veins and managed to give me a bruise on the knuckle of my little finger. She seemed surprised when I said OUCH!! She gave up then, and asked one of the others to have a go. She managed to get it in a vein on the knuckle of my thumb, which also hurt like hell but at least it worked. Another bruise forming there though.

Was all done by lunchtime so went to work. Typical, now I'm at work I get sorted out super fast!

One lovely thing today, there were 2 girls in having chemo and we got chatting. They were really pleased to talk to someone who was at the "other side" of chemo, and were really giddy about my hair. It felt good to think I made them smile, even if only for a while.

More needles.

I had a hospital appointment this morning for my zoledronic acid. I get to see the Onc each time I go, and he actually had a prod round my bits today (first time since op last year). He said everything felt ok which is good. He made me laugh, cos he said "Right, I need to examine you this time so get your kit off" He is very abrupt! I know a lot of people don't like him but he amuses me. I'd put a bit more weight on this time as well, and he said "Get over it, it's only a pound!", then I asked him if there was anything I could do to help get rid of fluid retention/swollen ankles/swollen feet and he said "excercise more and lose some weight". I can't win...

I then spent AGES waiting on the chemo suite for the pharmacy to send my stuff up. While I was waiting, I saw one of the ladies who was in the fashion show with me in May. She had some really sad news, another lady who was in the show died last week. She was only 43. I just burst into tears. Another lovely person lost to this bloody disease.

Chemo nurse got straight into a vein today - but I now have a bruise, and another one from my blood tests yesterday. I look like a junkie.

Back to the hospital again...

I had to go to the hospital for a blood test this morning (I'm due another infusion of zoledronic acid tomorrow). It took me 20 minutes to find a parking space, and then when I did finally find one the heavens opened and I got soaked. To top it all off, the car parking machine pinched a pound off me.

When I finally got into the hospital (looking like a drowned rat), the waiting room for blood tests was packed. You have to take a ticket (like at the meat counter in a supermarket). I got number 65, and they were only on number 33. I decided to go for a little walk round the hospital to pass a bit of time (and to get away from some of the whiffy people in the waiting room - yuk!). Managed to kill about 15 minutes, and when I got back they were only on number 38 *sigh*. There was only one vampire on duty. So, I was there for almost 2 hours.

Then I drove into town and got soaked again walking into work.

Mammogram part 2

I've had my boob squished, and the results "will be posted to you in 4 weeks". So I'm gonna try and forget about it until the dreaded envelope appears. I might be wrong in thinking like this....but I have decided that if they had seen anything suspicious they would have sent me through for an ultrasound, like they did when I first went to the clinic last year. I know I don't get the results for 4 weeks, but they do have a quick glance at the slides to make sure they don't need to do them again. Anyway, that's my theory and I'm sticking to it!

I have to confess to having a little cry when I got back into the car. It just took me back to last year going back there (the hospital where they do the mammograms is a different one to where I had surgery/chemo etc). When they left me sat in the mammogram room (while they checked my slides) I nearly burst into tears then. Crikey! So, I've decided not to bother going into work this afternoon cos I am a bit emotional.

Mammogram

I've got my first follow up mammogram in an hour, and I feel sick. I hardly slept last night cos I couldn't stop thinking about it. I never used to be a worrier, so this still feels really alien to me. I don't know why but it seems worse cos I've just gone back into "normal" world by going back to work and WHAM I'm back into poorly, hospital world today.

Hanging around all day

I'm not a happy bunny today.

I had an appointment at 9:50am today with the Oncologist. This meant getting up quite early (for me!). I then sat and waited for over and hour and a half in a horrible crowded waiting room before I got to see anyone (apart from a nurse who weighed me when I first got there - put a few pounds on the last couple of months - oops ). Finally got into see the Onc just before 12, I was in and out in about 5 mins. He just asked me how rads went, and how I was finding Tamoxifen. To be honest, most of the appointment seemed to be for the benefit of the student doctor he had in with him. He asked her more questions than me.

Then I got sent up to the chemo suite (it was about 12 o clock then) for my infusion of zoledronic acid, and I was sat waiting up there until gone half 2!! The waiting room was full of really depressing people too (not their fault obviously, but it rubbed off on me). So, finally got out after 3 o’clock. I won't even mention the fun they had finding a vein...

So I was up at the hospital for 5 hours in total. All that for a 5 minute chat and a 15 minute infusion. Then I got caught up in all the school traffic on the way home. Not one of my better days. I think I will crack open a bottle of wine in a minute...I need a drink.

Where do I start??

Thought it was about time I had a go at this. I've had a rough couple of years and feel like I need to offload some of it in the hope that it will help me move on, or something like that...

Well, 2005 was a bad year for me. I should have known when I spent New Years Eve in bed, full of cold it wasn't going to be a good one... I'll try and keep this short, but here is a quick summary of my breast cancer journey in 2005.

• Mid March 2005 - I discovered a lump while showering - the lump that would change my life forever.
• April 18th - plucked up courage to see GP about the lump and was referred to breast clinic.
• April 29th - went to breast clinic. Got prodded, poked, squashed and scared.
• Friday 13th May 2005 - a date I will never forget because I was diagnosed with breast cancer, at the age of 33. So, I went to the pub and got very drunk.
• June 6th - The day of operation number one, my first ever hospital stay. A lumpectomy and axillary clearance, and not very much sleep... Hospitals are not a good place for sleeping!
• June 17th - A bad day cos I got post op results and they weren't very good. Here's the science bit... My cancer was Grade 2, 23mm, 6 lymph nodes involved, er+ and pr+ (and since found out HER2-). No clear margins (spread up to 60mm). So, I was told I had to have a mastectomy. I cried a lot that day and felt really defeated. I was also told I was going to have CT and bone scans. A very scary time!
• July 4th - had bone scan.
• July 12th - had CT scan.
• July 19th - had mastectomy. I found out the results of both scans literally just before op - both clear!! Hurrah, some "good" news at last!
• July 29th - got post op results. No nasty surprises this time. Told I had to have chemo (E/CMF), radiotherapy and tamoxifen.
• Aug 5th - started chemo.
• Aug 26th - shaved hair off, sick of finding it everywhere...

And so it went on... trips to the hospital every few weeks, needles, no hair and feeling crap.