I've had quite an eventful day today. I finally heard from Occupational Health, who in a nutshell said the only advice they could give me was to go off sick. How's that for support?!?
Luckily today I had a Life Coaching appointment. She was fab today, and although it was quite gruelling today and I got very upset she has helped me come up with a plan of action. She too thinks I need to remove myself from the situation at work. However, when I explained I would not be going off sick as I AM NOT ILL! (Sorry, I get sick of having to say that!). I am just unable to tolerate working in a tense and hostile environment. It really is becoming an impossible situation. So, with guidance I have told my employer that as of tomorrow I will be relocating myself into another office. I'll still do my job but will not physically sit in the team while the formal investigation is going on. I can't manage a group of people who won't enter into any dialogue with me, so I may as well sit elsewhere and get on with the parts of my job I can do.
I'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow. It'll be fun packing...
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
Tuesday, 22 May 2007
Another chapter over.
I've had my final counselling session today. I thought it would be, although now I know it has finished I feel a bit odd, and a bit emotional really...
We started off reviewing the last couple of weeks. I'd been quite down when I ended up with that bug last week. It hit me on the anniversary of my diagnosis so I was quite upset about that (cos I felt so crap anyway), and in all honesty the fact I managed 11 months but not quite 12 months without any sickness really annoyed me (that's me being harsh on myself again!). Plus, there was an article in the local paper about the fashion show that mentioned that 4 of the women have died since last year (I knew that already), that I read when I felt awful anyway... But, I managed to pick myself back up when I stopped feeling so ill (and when I could talk again - 2 days with no voice is not good for me!!) rather than dwelling on it for ages.
So, today was all about closure and how far I have come. We've chatted about all the things I was struggling with, and all the things I have overcome. We've also chatted about where I am at now, the person I think I am now (I'm not half as hard on myself as I was!), and where I see myself going. We have come up with some ideas/suggestions to keep me on the straight and narrow and, perhaps more importantly for me how I can recognise the signs if I start to go downhill again (like when everyone and everything starts to piss me off!!, or when I stop answering the phone, make excuses not to socialise etc).
We also discussed all the resources I have around me to make sure I feel supported in the future (including her - I had to promise I'd go back if things go wrong!). And, we also went over my own transformation over the last however long it has been, and how I am now living very much in the present and not the past like I was, and how my attitude to my illness and the affect it had on my life has changed. I'm almost there with the looking into the future thing (well, I've almost booked another holiday and that is as good as it gets for now).
So, that's it! Well, that's this bit over with anyway... I'm going to keep writing my blog cos that seems to help (she really likes the idea of that).
We started off reviewing the last couple of weeks. I'd been quite down when I ended up with that bug last week. It hit me on the anniversary of my diagnosis so I was quite upset about that (cos I felt so crap anyway), and in all honesty the fact I managed 11 months but not quite 12 months without any sickness really annoyed me (that's me being harsh on myself again!). Plus, there was an article in the local paper about the fashion show that mentioned that 4 of the women have died since last year (I knew that already), that I read when I felt awful anyway... But, I managed to pick myself back up when I stopped feeling so ill (and when I could talk again - 2 days with no voice is not good for me!!) rather than dwelling on it for ages.
So, today was all about closure and how far I have come. We've chatted about all the things I was struggling with, and all the things I have overcome. We've also chatted about where I am at now, the person I think I am now (I'm not half as hard on myself as I was!), and where I see myself going. We have come up with some ideas/suggestions to keep me on the straight and narrow and, perhaps more importantly for me how I can recognise the signs if I start to go downhill again (like when everyone and everything starts to piss me off!!, or when I stop answering the phone, make excuses not to socialise etc).
We also discussed all the resources I have around me to make sure I feel supported in the future (including her - I had to promise I'd go back if things go wrong!). And, we also went over my own transformation over the last however long it has been, and how I am now living very much in the present and not the past like I was, and how my attitude to my illness and the affect it had on my life has changed. I'm almost there with the looking into the future thing (well, I've almost booked another holiday and that is as good as it gets for now).
So, that's it! Well, that's this bit over with anyway... I'm going to keep writing my blog cos that seems to help (she really likes the idea of that).
Tuesday, 8 May 2007
I can see your true colours...
Well, I've had a brief return into cancer world today cos I've been back to see my counsellor and have been for blood tests (my arm looks like a junkies!). I haven't seen my counsellor for quite a while (about 6 weeks?), not since before I went on holiday. I had thought about phoning up and cancelling, but I'm one of those people who likes to see something through so thought I should go up one last time just to tie up any loose ends etc...
So, we had a bit of a catch up and review today. Really good to do this, cos I knew I felt different and I knew I was more like the old me but actually having the chance to talk about it all has made me realise just how different I feel at the moment.
More than one person has commented that I seem different (including people who know nothing about my counselling etc). One friend of my mums said to her after a party the other week "She's back", cos I was my usual happy self, having a laugh (and kicking off with the management when things went wrong - hee hee!). She said I'd had a smile painted on before. Funny how some people can see right through you isn't it? My counsellor said she could tell I was different, not only by what I was saying and the fact I had a different hairdo, but my body language, the sparkle in my eyes etc.
We chatted about all the things I have overcome recently, all the hurdles I have had to get over culminating in the holiday I had completely dreaded (which was great once I got there!). Putting them all in one conversation really made me think how worthwhile going to see her has been. God knows what I'd be like now if I'd tried to carry on, struggling through. Funny thing is, now I look back I realise just how depressed I was. Even when I admitted I needed to see someone I don't think I realised how bad I was. Been a real eye opener has all this!
So - where do I go from here? I'm feeling more like the old me, but I still feel different. Not the damaged, sad me but a different, more contented me. I'm not quite as mardy these days anyway (well I don't think I am!!), and can cope better with other people. She has picked up on the fact I now have different boundaries, and I have changed some of my relationships (you definitely figure out who your real friends are when things go wrong!). But, do I really know how to carry on coping? I think yes but then again I have a sneaky suspicion that if things started to go wrong again I would climb back into my hole again. Still not keen on the asking for help thing. We also discussed a few other things to do with my future, and how I feel about them. Bit unsure on some of that...(but don't feel too bad either).
Plus, May/June is a big time for anniversaries for me. That sort of thing has come along and knocked me sideways before. I feel like I am ok with it all this time (I don't hate May for having 2 bank Holidays anymore, it's back to being party month!!) but she seems to think I shouldn't pack in my counselling until I am sure I am ok to be left to my own devices. So, we have reached a compromise that I won't go back again for a fortnight (although I am pencilled in for next Tuesday - just incase), where we will look at a few ways for me to keep on coping, and possible situations that could come up and knock me off track. Also, who knows after a game of hunt the vein tomorrow I might need a bit of therapy!
One final thing - if you ever get 5 mins Google Cyndi Lauper's "True Colours" lyrics. We've decided that is my song now (a throwback to the painting session I had) - cos at bl**din last I'm getting there!! :)
So, we had a bit of a catch up and review today. Really good to do this, cos I knew I felt different and I knew I was more like the old me but actually having the chance to talk about it all has made me realise just how different I feel at the moment.
More than one person has commented that I seem different (including people who know nothing about my counselling etc). One friend of my mums said to her after a party the other week "She's back", cos I was my usual happy self, having a laugh (and kicking off with the management when things went wrong - hee hee!). She said I'd had a smile painted on before. Funny how some people can see right through you isn't it? My counsellor said she could tell I was different, not only by what I was saying and the fact I had a different hairdo, but my body language, the sparkle in my eyes etc.
We chatted about all the things I have overcome recently, all the hurdles I have had to get over culminating in the holiday I had completely dreaded (which was great once I got there!). Putting them all in one conversation really made me think how worthwhile going to see her has been. God knows what I'd be like now if I'd tried to carry on, struggling through. Funny thing is, now I look back I realise just how depressed I was. Even when I admitted I needed to see someone I don't think I realised how bad I was. Been a real eye opener has all this!
So - where do I go from here? I'm feeling more like the old me, but I still feel different. Not the damaged, sad me but a different, more contented me. I'm not quite as mardy these days anyway (well I don't think I am!!), and can cope better with other people. She has picked up on the fact I now have different boundaries, and I have changed some of my relationships (you definitely figure out who your real friends are when things go wrong!). But, do I really know how to carry on coping? I think yes but then again I have a sneaky suspicion that if things started to go wrong again I would climb back into my hole again. Still not keen on the asking for help thing. We also discussed a few other things to do with my future, and how I feel about them. Bit unsure on some of that...(but don't feel too bad either).
Plus, May/June is a big time for anniversaries for me. That sort of thing has come along and knocked me sideways before. I feel like I am ok with it all this time (I don't hate May for having 2 bank Holidays anymore, it's back to being party month!!) but she seems to think I shouldn't pack in my counselling until I am sure I am ok to be left to my own devices. So, we have reached a compromise that I won't go back again for a fortnight (although I am pencilled in for next Tuesday - just incase), where we will look at a few ways for me to keep on coping, and possible situations that could come up and knock me off track. Also, who knows after a game of hunt the vein tomorrow I might need a bit of therapy!
One final thing - if you ever get 5 mins Google Cyndi Lauper's "True Colours" lyrics. We've decided that is my song now (a throwback to the painting session I had) - cos at bl**din last I'm getting there!! :)
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