Doesn't time fly?

Thought I'd pop by, it's been a while hasn't it? All good with me. Cancer wise, all quiet and I've not had any treatment for a year now. My 7th anniversary looms... I'm touching wood, saluting magpies, not walking under ladders and other well known remedies for staying cancer free. If I was to believe everything I read in the media I'd never eat, drink or do anything remotely interesting. Sod that!! I'll whisper the next bit... I'm enjoying my job again. Yes, really!! Who'd have thought!? Good times :)

The end?

Hmmm...

I had yet another meeting at work today. One of quite a few meetings recently, but I'm bored of being a part of it all never mind typing it up. However, sometimes it's good to get it out of my head and onto "paper", I really do find it therapeutic. So, here's an update.

The mediation report arrived, and was in my opinion flawed and seemed biased. Let's just say the 4 of them did a good job of passing on their opinion as fact. I still struggle to even think about some of the cruel heartless things I had to listen to that day. Anyway - one part of the outcome was that I should move teams as has been demanded, repeatedly, by the 4 people who have been making my life hell for almost 2 years now. I, as ever trying to be the reasonable one, accepted this but very begrudgingly and told HR this was the last time I would be reasonable. I felt if it put an end to it, so be it. I was told this decision was non negotiable...

The 4 then got the outcome (which involved some movement with them as well), and they started to negotiate!! Yet again, they say jump and my employer starts warming up for a high jump! The tail is most definitely wagging the dog! So, I and my 3 managers (who have remained very supportive) put our feet down, hard, and said we rejected this stage and were considering taking further action.

Today I heard back from the union. The whole business is being swept under the carpet now, like it never happened. It will disappear, along with the boss who retires next week. He appears to be the scapegoat now. Convenient. The 4 remain working in other teams away from me, and I can stay in my current job. This is of course great news, I should be pleased. But as the poor behaviour and discriminatory attitudes (which are still displayed to me regularly at work) remains, and isn't dealt with I just don't know how I am going to deal with the future. It's going to be hard.

The union rep summed it up well today. I was ill and the staff didn't know how to deal with that so transferred their inability to cope into anger towards me. I've just got to figure out how I keep working somewhere where people are very open about the fact they wish I'd died now. Harsh, but I have bills that won't pay themselves.

I think I just need time to get my head round this. I'm not sure I truly believe it is over.

Not something I would like to repeat...

I couldn't even face writing about it last week... It was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life (and one of the longest!). Really really horrible to have to sit there and listen to people say horrible things about you, right in front of you. Not just "you upset me because blah blah blah", but really really nasty comments. The lowest, nastiest comment being "I've had people in my family DIE from cancer, but I really don't care what happens to you now".

All this because I was quieter than normal. Yes, I committed the ultimate crime of becoming a little withdrawn. This is now known by some as "using your illness".

I tried to maintain my dignity throughout - but found it hard to hold back my emotions all day and did have to have a cry in the toilet between each session. I hate crying in public, in fact I hate crying full stop. Especially over this. It shouldn't be so important.

Who would ever have thought people could be so cruel? It's been an eye opener has all this. Even the impartial mediator texted me the day after to check I was ok. She also suggested I get some support. Not sure where from though!! I don't seem to be able to get any anywhere!

I wish I could get away from this horrible situation. Please let the recession end and let me find somewhere decent to work!

Mediation

Tomorrow I have between 6 and 8 hours of mediation to endure.

Sounds negative? Sadly that's how I feel. The "situation" at work as I now refer to it has been going on for 20 months now. My days there are definitely numbered now. A girl can only take so much but the damn recession is making it difficult for me to go onto pastures new...

So, tomorrow I have to sit and listen to 4 bullies sit and have yet another go at me. Before I even get there I know they feel I have received "special" treatment at work because I had cancer. Yes, that is what they think. The only reason they have been found to be bullies is because I had cancer. No-one would have believed it otherwise! Who knew a tumour could have so much power!! Strangely I was under the impression it was their behaviour that got them the bully label, not my dodgy cells!

I have to endure this bile all day tomorrow. Good job I have faced worse in my life. I intend to remain dignified, calm and hope to keep the hurt they have caused to myself. Talking about all this now is too little too late for me. I don't want to pick at old wounds I have been trying so hard to heal.

I'm absolutely dreading it though...

Where has the last month gone?

Well, the results were out last month.  All the complaints against me were not upheld.  I knew they couldn't be, but I was still very worried.  I have lost a lot of faith in a lot of people this year so wasn't really sure which way it would go to be honest.

The outcome also found 3 of the 8 people have displayed intimidating behaviour towards me.  Great - some back up and support for me  to put an end to all this you would think.  Erm no - they have all (all 8) been off sick since the results came out and are appealing against the decision.  It seems they weren't advised it could turn round on them.  The fact their complaints weren't upheld, yet they were actually found to be in the wrong seems to have been a bitter pill to swallow...  My caring employer has yet again done nothing to support me, despite the fact it has now been proven I have been bullied.  They have even been asking me for ideas on how to get the 8 back to work!?! 

So, another month and still no end to all this rubbish.  However, I am trying to put as much of it as I can behind me for a couple of weeks so I can enjoy Christmas with the people I care about. 

Feedback time...

Yes, it's still ongoing.  This is now month 10.

Apparently, I will be getting "feedback" tomorrow from the investigation.  Slightly worrying because my statement hasn't been agreed yet.  It took the investigating officers over 6 weeks to send it to me and I have never seen such a poorly written document in my life!  They suggested I changed it (great - doing their job as well now!), then at half 4 today told me they don't agree with my amended version.  Hmm, now there was I thinking it was a statement of what I said??  How the "feedback" has been prepared without my statement is beyond me.  I hope to be enlightened tomorrow...

Call me pessimistic, but I don't have very high hopes for a satisfactory conclusion.   At all.

The interview

This is going to be quite a short post, because I am exhausted to be honest.

I had my investigation interview yesterday. It was ok I suppose, but on more than one occasion I got very upset. I guess the word that describes me best at the moment is fragile. All the months of this going on have really taken their toll on me.

I am still unclear how I am a bully, or have harassed or intimidated anyone. The questions asked didn't really give me the answers to that. In fact, some of it was laughable (well, it would be if I wasn't so upset!). One of the complaints against me is that I have laughed when talking to another manager at work. I kid you not - the possible few occasions where I have laughed this year is now being used against me!!

I managed to take a union rep with me to the meeting, and he was disgusted about the interview. He said he will be taking it up with the powers that be. Good for him, I think, but I'm really getting tired of all the battles surrounding this. I feel like a pawn in a game where I don't understand the rules.

*sigh*

Time to have my say?

I've just spent what was supposed to be a relaxing weekend away with my family trying to sort out a union rep who could accompany me to an "investigation Interview" I have been called for tomorrow. I found out at quarter to 6 on Thursday evening that my interview was tomorrow. I was supposed to be going on holiday on Friday afternoon, and was not supposed to be home until late today. I had to cut my holiday short to sort this out. I couldn't get away on Friday, and had to come home earlier than planned today. It's been a nightmare. I found out 20 minutes ago that someone can accompany me.

So, tomorrow I will be getting questioned about me being a bully. I have no idea what the allegations are. Remember it was me who was being bullied by my team, for many months. It seems that the ultimate form of bullying now seems to be submitting a formal complaint against your victim. I think the time has come for me to look for a job elsewhere. It's not doing my health (emotional and physical) any good waiting for this to be resolved.

I feel like I am close to giving in. Let the bullies win, I don't have much strength left to fight this.

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye...

I've had quite an eventful day today. I finally heard from Occupational Health, who in a nutshell said the only advice they could give me was to go off sick. How's that for support?!?

Luckily today I had a Life Coaching appointment. She was fab today, and although it was quite gruelling today and I got very upset she has helped me come up with a plan of action. She too thinks I need to remove myself from the situation at work. However, when I explained I would not be going off sick as I AM NOT ILL! (Sorry, I get sick of having to say that!). I am just unable to tolerate working in a tense and hostile environment. It really is becoming an impossible situation. So, with guidance I have told my employer that as of tomorrow I will be relocating myself into another office. I'll still do my job but will not physically sit in the team while the formal investigation is going on. I can't manage a group of people who won't enter into any dialogue with me, so I may as well sit elsewhere and get on with the parts of my job I can do.

I'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow. It'll be fun packing...

No way...

I think this has been the worst week of my life post diagnosis so far. Not only have I been grieving for my friend, the unthinkable has happened at work.

It appears a formal complaint has been lodged at work. Great - about time some people might say. Time to sort it out once and for all. But no - the complaint is AGAINST me. By the very people who have made my life hell for the last 6 months, and whose behaviour resulted in me having time off because of stress. No more undercover bullying from them, oh no. They've gone for the jugular now.

So, despite the fact that I have done NOTHING other than try to do my job, and be a bit subdued while I have been having a few hard times in my private life I am now having to face a formal investigation that will probably take months. I'll have to discuss my private feelings with yet more strangers now, which I find really hard to do. OK I spill all here, but that is different. This blog is like therapy!

Oh, and to top it all off I'm back at the hospital next week. Yes my lovely work colleagues - you know for CANCER treatment. Remember??

I'm struggling to keep my faith in human nature tonight.

*sigh*

Another appointment...

I had an appointment with my employer's mediation service a couple of days ago so I thought I'd add something about it here...

It was very emotional - that kind of surprised me to be honest. I've had a few really big sobs and gave myself a headache that lasted for 2 days! All in a good cause though, I think I have had a few more realisations which is good.

We talked round the whole situation and how I feel about it now I am back at work. I explained that I felt the atmosphere in the office was still bad, if not worse in some ways due to the ever escalating and spiralling nature of what is happening. We talked about all this in depth, but I won't bore you with the details as I think I have said enough about all that already!!

So, what have I got out of this and where am I going to go from here?

• The more personal/emotional stuff

I think I had already done this, but it was highlighted in this meeting that I am extremely hurt and disappointed that a group of people (some of whom I considered friends) have, in my opinion, behaved in such a bad way towards me resulting in me having to remove myself from work on stress grounds. This was the bit that made me cry the most. I'm severely disappointed in them and, as it isn't behaviour I would display I don't understand them. However - I have now realised I can't do anything about that. I can't change them. This is something for the Life Coach to deal with I think. I need to know how I deal with this, and putting the strong emotional feelings I have to one side. I'll let you know how I get on with this!

I did have another very emotional moment when I asked what I am supposed to do if I have more quiet and subdued moments in the future. After all, this seems to have triggered all the recent events off. I don't think we really got to a conclusion here, we all seemed unable to work that one out properly. I think the upshot of this is I have to lower my morals and standards and sometimes stay at home rather than facing work, even though I feel I am fit for work because the staff don't see it that way. I'll also discuss this with the Life Coach and see if she has any bright ideas on that one.

• Regaining confidence in my role at work

This is what I want to achieve. I want my confidence back, which is still very low. We tried to think of ways I can get control back, and to tip the balance of power in the team back into the correct place. We discussed things I felt anxious about and how I could take back control. Things like:

• Team meetings

This is a situation that was uncomfortable prior to me going off sick, as when I directed questions at people they ignored me (or claimed they didn't realise I was speaking to them...). So they suggested I do the following:

1) Use closed questions - impossible to ignore these as I will be asking for a direct, short answer. 2) Use silence - wait for a response, and wait, and wait. Take control of the silence - don't fill in the blanks. If this goes on too long - ask the question again. Then use silence again. Warn people who are responsive that you will be doing this.
3) Use forced alternative questions - Give options so people have to pick one answer. No option not to respond - you have to choose answer A or answer B.

• Changes in the office

Use this as a possible opportunity to speak to all my staff, individually. Ask people what they do currently etc, even if I already know the answer. Ask for "help" to fill in any blanks - makes people feel like their opinion is valued? The jury is still out on this one to be honest. Iknow I will struggle to speak to some who refuse to even acknowledge my existence...

• Do floor walking

Make my presence felt - so I can check things like internet activity. Can either do this silently, or use it as an opportunity to speak to people individually as I walk round.

• Taking the mic

This is a good example of how to take control back and gain confidence. Think of a comedy club, and how you would hate to sit on the front row. To be in charge means I have that microphone, and the team are sat on the front row. I have the mic, so I have the control. I need to make sure I keep hold of the mic.

• set small goals, make lists

This isn't going to go away and get better quickly, it will take time. So, each week set small challenges. Don't worry if you don't achieve them - just list the other things you did achieve. This doesn't mean you are bad and haven't achieved things - it just means you are bad at writing lists and need some practice!!

I think that is pretty much everything (in a nutshell - it was a 2 hour 15 minute discussion!). It was very useful. I now feel like I need to split myself into 2 - professional me and the real me. I'll bring professional me to work every day - a polite, professional manager but with no personal feelings. If I feel this isn't possible, then maybe I will have to consider whether I am fit for work... Like I say - something for the Life Coach there I think...

Keeping strong

I'm trying to, really I am.

Yesterday was day 2 in the lion's den. I had an almost audible response to my "morning" greeting. Or maybe someone just had wind... One person has still completely refused to even acknowledge my existence. I have purposefully tried to speak to people - delivering letters to them from the printer etc. I'm not really getting anything in response.

Another former "friend" and colleague could not disguise the contempt and disgust he feels towards me as he spoke to me yesterday - although he was trying to be professional (I think!). Shame he hasn't told his face what he was trying to achieve!

But, I was remaining buoyant, upbeat, positive and wasn't going to let it get me down again. I'm wavering today to be honest...

Back into the lion's den

I did it. I went back into work today, with my head held high and a smile on my face. I was so sugar coated I think I might actually make someone puke. Ha!

I was greeted by silence from most of my team, bless them (!). The "bullies" couldn't even look at me, or acknowledge my presence. Difference is now I don't care so they can stick that in their pipe and smoke it as far as I am concerned. A couple of people on the outskirts were a bit terse, but did at least acknowledge me. They'll get over it in time I'm sure.

I also had an appointment with Occpational Health, who are referring me to a Life Coach. That should be interesting if nothing else. I'm very interested to know what advice she can give me on dealing with these people. I see her on Monday...

I've told my manager's and Occy Health that these "bullies" have the next 3 weeks to get their act together, and get over whatever it is they have a problem with (we still don't really know what their problem is!!). Once that time is up, if there is still bad feeling towards me and an atmosphere in the office I will make a formal complaint against the bullies, and HR have already said they are confident this would result in disciplinary action. Enough is enough don't you think?

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...

I met my 3 bosses today, for 3 hours! How time flies when you are having fun!

I was very honest with them, and have told them how I feel about the people in my team, that I have no respect for them etc. However, I did explain that as I have been away from work for so long now, I'm not feeling sad, or stressed about the bad people. Quite frankly I don't care about them at all now, or what they think.

So, I'm off back in tomorrow for an hour or so before my Occupational Health appointment (which I have just had a phone call about - they've got my appointment mixed up. Good start!).

What else? Oh yes - the union rep who is representing the baddies suggested to my bosses that maybe I should move teams when I go back. I DON'T THINK SO MATEY!! My managers were disgusted with this suggestion (they think he is just passing on the main bad person's "demands" - he's new to the role and, in my opinion is making a right mess of things). As they told him, why would they move me - I haven't done anything wrong...? I then, half jokingly said that would look good under the DDA - "employer shifts cancer patient out of the way" which led onto a serious discussion about it. We think I would have a very good case under the DDA against some of my team which would quite probably result in disciplinary action being taken. They saw a weakness in my state of mind (I can't think of a better way to put that) which was ultimately related to me having had cancer and they (in my opinion)victimised/bullied/harrassed me because of it. So, I am going to mention this when I go to Occy Health tomorrow, just so it is recorded somewhere should this not work out and end up as a formal procedure. I'm ok with that. I would never have dreamt of playing the cancer card, it just isn't me. But facts are facts I suppose and it may need to be recorded somewhere if this doesn't go away.

Oh - I also have an appointment with the woman in charge of a mediation service next week - so we can discuss how I can deal with these people I hate (strong word, but true) now. I'm up for that (I once went on a course she ran - she's very good). I do think any help and support I can get to help get me over the very bad taste this has left in my mouth would be very useful.

So - after my meeting, my bosses were off to speak to the team to tell them I was coming back tomorrow. They are going to offer the support of the mediation lady to them as well (no way are we all going together though!!), and are also going to say that if any of them feel they can't cope working in there they will see if they can accomodate them in another team. Ha! I like that bit!! I may end up in an empty room tomorrow...

I asked my bosses to let me know, honestly, how the meeting went. It was 1pm and I haven't heard anything yet... No news is good news isn't it?

By the way, despite all this I'm glad to be going back. I think.

Home Sweet Home?

I've been home, oooo all of 12 hours - here's an update.

• Mammogram results!! (good news part 1)

Letter was waiting in amongst the incredible amount of junk mail that has arrived while I was away. It says

I am pleased to inform you that there are no radiological features to cause any
concern. I hope this information will relieve any anxieties or fears you may
have been feeling

So, I have dodged the bullet yet again this year. Phew!! And for the record it has relieved any anxieties or fears I have been feeling. Well, some of them!

• Holiday (good news part 2)

I got home at about 3am this morning from possibly the best holiday I have ever had. I'd show you some pics but am having a few IT problems today, I don't think my brain has caught up with the rest of me yet. If you haven't ever been - please do try to visit one of the Greek Islands at some point in your life. This time was Santorini, a stunning and beautiful island with possibly some of the best food I have ever eaten. I contemplated checking myself in as cargo on the way home - haha. A completely relaxing fortnight though, as far away from all my troubles as I could possibly get. Wonderful, and a feeling I would like to cling onto for a while longer... Which brings me onto

• Work (not so good news...or is it?)

I had a message to contact my boss when I got home, as I am/was due to go back into work tomorrow. I told them before I went on leave I wouldn't be getting another sick note. I don't want to feel like a skiver any more (the 2 weeks in Santorini has been leave - not sick, I would have felt a fraud). I am not ill, it's my workplace that has the problem. Anyway, I digress...

My boss was, as ever, very lovely when I spoke to her this morning. She said she doesn't want me spoiling the effects of my holiday and is giving me the rest of this week off (gardening leave?). She also has a few days off and does not want me to return to work with no support there. Next Tuesday I am starting my phased return, by meeting my 2 bosses for a coffee to discuss what's going to happen when I go back... That could be interesting! On Wednesday I have a meeting with an Occupational Health Adviser and after that if all goes to plan I will go into work for a few hours. Gulp.

So - that's me I guess. I will try and make the most of the rest of my extended time off and may have to visit my caravan for a few days... Anyone would think I was allergic to staying in my own bed!

Friday 13th

Well, it's almost over... phew!

I'm not a fan of Friday 13th, not since I was diagnosed with breast cancer on one anyhow! But to try and break from superstition I went ahead with my routine mammogram today. Just got the 3 week wait for the dreaded results now... If you are reading this, please cross your fingers for me!

I've been speaking to my boss at work today too. Things seem to be spiralling out of control there. I don't know how I am going to face going back there in a few weeks. I'm going to try not to think about that until my return is more imminent. I felt really upset about it all again earlier today but hopefully now I've got it out of my system again I can put it back in a box for a while.

I probably won't be on here much for the next couple of weeks, as I will be sunning myself in Greece. I didn't realise when I booked it just how much I would need this holiday right now!!

Bump

That's the sound I make when I come back down to earth.

I met up with a friend from work yesterday. I'm not too sure of all the details yet but it seems the situation at work has escalated (yes even more!!). My big boss was going to HR again yesterday afternoon to speak to them about making it all formal. I think she has felt quite a lot of the backlash the last week or so, and the spotlight seems to have gone onto her now. So it looks like there will be some kind of formal process I'll have to be a part of. All the feelings I have managed to shake off these last few weeks will get raised to the surface again. Great.

I despair really. I feel pretty stuck now because I don't feel ill and the doc has signed me as fit for work next week. I won't be there for another couple of weeks cos I will be on holiday (I booked it a while ago), but then what? I dread walking back into the now even more escalated situation, but don't like being off work either because of it. I don't really know what to do or say now.

Argh.

Like a bad penny...

...the situation at work just isn't going away. It seems some of the delightful people I work with aren't happy that they have been told off and have gone to the union to complain about how it has been handled. I've seen the document that has been read and given to them, and I know I am biased, but it seemed ok to me. It was also done with the guidance of HR too. I just hope it gets sorted, and fast! I need to get back to work (I plan to go back at the beginning of July...)

I can't believe how this has escalated, and all from nothing. Pathetic really when you think about the bigger things in life.

But, it's sunny today so all is not lost :)

Another sick note

I spoke to my gp again today, and he has signed me off for just another couple of weeks. I gave him a quick update on what has happened since I last saw him (only work things, I missed out all the retail therapy!!). My sick note takes me right up to a holiday I already have booked. Both me and my gp hope I will be able to go away, have a lovely time then return to work... Let's hope that all goes to plan then!! I really do want to get back sooner rather than later. I don't like being off sick. This is only the 2nd time in my whole life I have had a sick note - and the other time was because of cancer so I don't do things by halves do I?!?

I had a lovely chat with my boss today too, and I know I have her full support which helps a lot. She agrees it is right that I don't go back too soon, and she thinks more time is needed for the bullies and their hangers on to take their heads from up their backsides and hopefully start to see the error of their ways. Or at least pretend to! Ok, she didn't quite put it that way, but you get the picture!

So I'm really trying to turn this into something "positive" (I hate that word!) and use the time wisely to catch up on all the things I don't get round to enough when I am busy working. The car has had a wash (probably the only one it will get for a while!) and today I am trying to conquer the backlog of housework. I'm far from a domestic goddess but am going to see if I can turn into one for a while. Well, as soon as I move away from here of course!

I got a lovely bunch of flowers delivered today. What a lovely surprise they were. Sadly not from a secret admirer, but it's the thought that counts ;)

Another week goes by...

... and I haven't heard anything else from work so not much to say about that really. I did hear some "gossip" via a friend. It seems a couple of people in my team (not the bullies) have been quite upset for me. That means quite a lot knowing I have some support, but not enough to make me feel like I can return yet. I'll have to see what my gp says on Friday when I speak to him again I guess.

Other news - I have really gone and done it with the shopping now! I went away for the bank holiday weekend and ended up buying a static caravan! It should be delivered to the site in the next couple of weeks and then I will be able to get away whenever the mood takes me. How nice to be able to get away from everything and get some nice fresh sea air whenever I feel like it. A big expense really, but you're a long time dead...