Overreacting?

I've had a funny couple of months, a time where I have begun to wonder if I am now a different person to the one I was before cancer.

The thing is, before cancer I was quite a happy-go-lucky type of girl. I was having fun, and enjoying a pretty carefree life. I worked hard, and then played hard too. Life was good.

Then along came the cancer diagnosis, the treatment, hospitals etc and I was forced to take a huge step away from my normal life. No work, and very little play. In the meantime the world kept spinning, but maybe I got left behind a bit? Friends moved on, had families, got divorced, started families etc. I was just the poor sod who had cancer, who was being so "brave"...

So - treatment ends and I try to go back to normal. I found this very difficult after a year out! This took me by surprise to be honest. Surely I should have been feeling great?? Seems that isn't quite how it works! But, another year on I am still wondering what the hell has happened to the old me. I think I have lost her forever, and I am probably still in mourning over that. The new me is much more emotional, and I "overreact" (not my words) now. Hmm. I think the truth is I just react now. I was so content before cancer, things didn't phase me, I brushed them off. I can't do that now. The world seems to be a very different place to me now.

Like I say, a funny few months where I seem to be moving further away from some friends who can't "get" the new me. I can't blame them I suppose, I don't get me either sometimes.

Long time no post...

I haven't felt the need to post here for a long time. I suppose I have been enjoying life away from cancerland. Unfortunately I find myself there again... No - it's not a dreaded recurrance or anything. It's just taking up too much of my headspace just now. I need to offload so here I am, offloading.

First up, I am forced to think about cancer again as I am back at the hospital this week. Tomorrow I will be prodded and poked. I hate being prodded and poked. How undignified it is to have to show a complete stranger your mutilated body. Sounds dramatic?? Well, sadly it's the truth. My body is mutilated. I have one boob, and a very unsightly scar at the other side. Not nice. But the doctors need to check me, so I must lose all pride and show all again tomorrow.

Then I have the fun of sitting there while some poor sod tries to find a vein to put the drugs into. This gets harder each time, and I seem to be dreading it more and more as time goes by. That's not right is it? Surely I should be getting used to it by now! Hey ho.

As for emotions. All over the place at the mo. I have friends in dire situations and other friends who don't get how that affects me. It's difficult for everyone I suppose, but hard as I try to move away from cancerland it's always there in the back of my mind. I don't have the luxury of being able to pretend it wasn't part of my life. It IS part of my life, even a few years on.

So, that's me at the moment. All a bit mixed up really. Hopefully now I have put it in words I can move on again.

Needles and bruises

Just a quick update to let you know I had another treatment (zoledronic acid) up at the hospital this week. Saw a new Oncologist, who was very pleasant but couldn't find half of my notes, hadn't filled in my chart properly and was struggling with his English. Can't say I had much faith in him really. I was going to ask about my teeth/jaw as I have been suffering with a bit of dental pain recently - nothing too bad but my teeth seem to have gone quite sensitive recently and one of the side effects of the drug I'm having is osteonecrosis of the jaw (where the blood supply to your bone is lost which causes the bone to die - nice!). Anyhow, I decided I'll ask my dentist when I go next month instead!! He is the expert on teeth after all and knows all about my medical history. Maybe I'll ask him for an x-ray...

So, all that took an hour and a bit (I was in with the doc for all of 5 minutes)! Then I went off to the chemo suite and waited some more. Finally got in and had a different nurse doing my treatment (a bloke - and very nice he was too!! I do like to try and find something good about going there!). It took him over half an hour to get the cannula in. We were all ready to go with it stuck half way up my arm, but then the pesky thing stopped flowing. So few more attempts and then finally got it stuck in my thumb - ouch! More bruises...

So that's it for 3 months again now. Next appointment is on 7 November. That will be my penultimate 3 monthly one I think (this was number 12), so will soon be onto 6 monthly trips (I think it changes after number 14). Maybe my veins will like the break...

Reading between the lines

Not posted anything on here for a while, which is good cos that means I have been far away fom cancer land. Had a brief return there this week though when I finally received my letter confirming the results of my mammogram and ultrasound. It says:

I am very pleased to see that your repeat mammogram and ultrasound scan of the left breast on 5.7.07 has shown no cause for concern.

You should continue to receive appointments for a mammogram each May until 2022, all being well, on our surveillance programme.

Now, call me picky but was it really necessary to put those 3 words "all being well" in there?? I fully intend on still being here in 2022, but I don't need reminding that my future is uncertain...

Little known side effect of breast cancer, the ability to read between the lines!

I've been to the hospital today...

...… and to save you skim reading to find the important bits - EVERYTHING IS OK.

However it was a really horrible stressful morning. Look up these words in a dictionary:

Fear
Upset
Relief

and you will see my face next to them. Talk about rollercoasters…

Anyhow, the reason I had been recalled from my last mammogram was cos there was an "area of concern" on the one I had a few weeks ago. There was as well, even I could see it! Cue fear setting in… They wanted to do another one to see if it was just a bit of overlapping tissue. Got squished again, then she started drawing lines on me (now I feel really sick) and goes off to have a look at the films. Then she says I have to go for an ultrasound, and as she takes me there she puts her hand on my shoulder and says "good luck". WTF!?!? Why do I need good luck???

So onto the ultrasound, he took AGES doing it and kept going back to the same bit. I'm starting to get into a bit of a state now, thinking the worst. He asks me if I have felt any lumps or anything, I haven't and I'm thinking WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME??? Argh. The he starts being all nice to me, trying to make me laugh and my paranoia is saying he's softening the blow, he's gonna hit me with it in a minute. I am now smearing the goo he put on me to do the ultrasound all over the place - up my arm, even onto my face. I can't even wipe stuff off me properly by this point!! (honestly, if it wasn't so traumatic it would be funny!). He then tells me to take a seat, I think I have stopped breathing by this point and he says "Everything is ok…" and I don't hear any other words cos I just burst into tears! I'm now covered in goo, crying (and probably got snot bubbles coming out of my nose!). I'm apologising, and he says "don't worry, it's nice" ?! (he was a bit of alright actually, not your typical doctor type, a bit rough and ready with a scouse accent - every cloud…). Finally I composed myself and he actually explained it all to me - that basically these things happen, blah blah blah and he can't assure me it won't happen again next time. I then get into narky mode, and ask why they couldn't have done all this 3 weeks ago, why did I have to get the scary letters, sleepless nights etc. He then explains all their daft systems to me, I start to lose interest and just want to get out of there FAST.

So, that's another trauma out of the way. I have spent most of the rest of the day with a drink in my hand. I think I deserved a couple!!

Back to earth with a bump...

Got home from Portugal today (had a lovely holiday!) and had a letter waiting for me... It says:

"The radiologist is not quite happy with the pictures. I think that it is just because of the position of the breast, and I shall ask them to send for you again in order to make sure that there is nothing else requiring investigation

I hope that we will then be able to reassure you that all is well."

Shit!

Back to the hospital this Thursday...

Ouch

I had my mammogram today. Not a pleasant experience! If you have never had one - just imagine having your boob squashed in a vice and you will have a pretty good idea of what it is like! Ouchy ouchy ouch.

I have to confess to feeling a bit wobbly today. I decided to go on the bus (avoid the car park!) but that didn't work cos I still had to walk through it. Durr!! I felt sick as I walked into the hospital, I don't have good memories of that place. I feel I need to explain a bit here... the hospital where I go for my mammos is a different one to where I had my ops and treatment, but it's the one where I was diagnosed. So I have only been back there twice since diagnosis and it just feels so, erm...horrible there.

The mammo itself was ok I suppose, I get the results "sometime in the next 3 weeks", so back to the waiting game again. I don't mean this in a cruel way, but people I know who haven't had cancer don't really get what waiting for results feel like for me. I try and explain to friends how I feel, but they don't get it really. They mean well when they say the things they do but I just don't think they understand the turmoil I go through. I guess having a friend affected by cancer when you are still pretty young is hard though...

I digress...back to today. I had to strip off to the waist and then sit in a waiting room in a lovely hospital gown. This is a horrible experience when you only have one boob. I felt really self conscious. By now I am feeling quite emotional too. The radio was on, and Daniel Powter - "Bad Day" came on. How apt! Managed not to cry in public though, so was quite pleased about that!

Then I got called through and the radiographer was really lovely, a really bubbly person and she put me at ease. Well as much as possible! What a strange job that must be, squashing people's boobs all day!

Back into the waiting room then, while they check the films (to make sure they have got a good enough "picture"). Must have been ok cos I was then told I could go.

So, I am now going to dread the arrival of the NHS envelope for the next 3 weeks... Is it possible to keep everything crossed for 3 weeks I wonder?