Doesn't time fly?

Thought I'd pop by, it's been a while hasn't it? All good with me. Cancer wise, all quiet and I've not had any treatment for a year now. My 7th anniversary looms... I'm touching wood, saluting magpies, not walking under ladders and other well known remedies for staying cancer free. If I was to believe everything I read in the media I'd never eat, drink or do anything remotely interesting. Sod that!! I'll whisper the next bit... I'm enjoying my job again. Yes, really!! Who'd have thought!? Good times :)

Ch ch ch changes

After some blood tests earlier this week I received a phone call yesterday from my Oncologist, who among other things confirmed that my ovaries appear to be working! This is a bit of a surprise because all symptoms and test results over the last few years had led them to believe I was post menopausal. I've spent a lot of time getting my head round that - so now I am trying to get my head round the fact it might not be the case after all. I'm now back onto a different type hormone therapy, so my body will have more readjusting to do.

With hindsight I shouldn't have been surprised. My hormone levels were clearly changing. I felt like I wanted to burst into tears in the middle of M&S the week before for no reason (I don't think it was because the dine in for 2 offer wasn't on!). I was very sleepy, and had spots too. In fact, I think I turned back into a teenager for a while!! Argh.

I'm very lucky that my Oncologist is on the ball. Sadly I started out the week with a visit to one of my GPs, who completely fobbed me off and made me feel like I was making a fuss about nothing. He told me to go home and stop worrying!! Now, I may not be medically qualified but the fact that it appeared I wasn't post menopause and I was taking a drug that is only for post menopausal women was worrying me!! Its a good job I'm persistent, as a phone call to the hospital myself confirmed there was reason to worry and I was booked in for an emergency appointment the next day. I think my GP and I may have to have another chat at some point. I'd hate to think he would be so dismissive of someone else in the same position. I've come to expect a lot of dismissive attitudes from a lot of people, as many expect the fluffy, pink, positive version of life after breast cancer. But from a doctor...!!

Looks like this rollercoaster ride is still going strong. Hold on tight!

The end?

Hmmm...

I had yet another meeting at work today. One of quite a few meetings recently, but I'm bored of being a part of it all never mind typing it up. However, sometimes it's good to get it out of my head and onto "paper", I really do find it therapeutic. So, here's an update.

The mediation report arrived, and was in my opinion flawed and seemed biased. Let's just say the 4 of them did a good job of passing on their opinion as fact. I still struggle to even think about some of the cruel heartless things I had to listen to that day. Anyway - one part of the outcome was that I should move teams as has been demanded, repeatedly, by the 4 people who have been making my life hell for almost 2 years now. I, as ever trying to be the reasonable one, accepted this but very begrudgingly and told HR this was the last time I would be reasonable. I felt if it put an end to it, so be it. I was told this decision was non negotiable...

The 4 then got the outcome (which involved some movement with them as well), and they started to negotiate!! Yet again, they say jump and my employer starts warming up for a high jump! The tail is most definitely wagging the dog! So, I and my 3 managers (who have remained very supportive) put our feet down, hard, and said we rejected this stage and were considering taking further action.

Today I heard back from the union. The whole business is being swept under the carpet now, like it never happened. It will disappear, along with the boss who retires next week. He appears to be the scapegoat now. Convenient. The 4 remain working in other teams away from me, and I can stay in my current job. This is of course great news, I should be pleased. But as the poor behaviour and discriminatory attitudes (which are still displayed to me regularly at work) remains, and isn't dealt with I just don't know how I am going to deal with the future. It's going to be hard.

The union rep summed it up well today. I was ill and the staff didn't know how to deal with that so transferred their inability to cope into anger towards me. I've just got to figure out how I keep working somewhere where people are very open about the fact they wish I'd died now. Harsh, but I have bills that won't pay themselves.

I think I just need time to get my head round this. I'm not sure I truly believe it is over.

Mammo mia here I go again

It's been a few months since I posted, but as it is summer it means one thing...Mammogram.

I had it a couple of weeks ago and have been nervously waiting for the results since then. I try to kid myself and everyone I know that it's just routine, it's nothing, test results - what test results?? But underneath this calm exterior is a real worrier. Wondering what every glance means in the waiting room. Did the radiographer just look at me in a sympathetic way then?? Has she seen something when she quickly checked the film? Have they sent me to this room (where I was diagnosed) because that is the bad news room?? Cancer really does mess with your head!

So, when I saw the envelope on the doormat I felt sick. I can recognise an NHS letter at 20 paces now you know! You can't imagine the relief that flooded through me when I saw the words:

"there are no radiological features to cause any concern"

Phew!

Work situation continues to be a complete nightmare sadly - but I am going to try to enjoy this nice feeling of relief for a couple of days at least!

Dipping my toes back into cancerland

I’ve been to the hospital today. Everything seems ok again thankfully. My Oncologist thinks I will be changing my medication next time I go as he is now quite certain I am post menopausal. I’ll be changing onto another drug – Aromasin (exemestane) so will have a whole load of new side effects to discover! From the little I do know, it seems that taking Aromasin after Tamoxifen seems to work well and keep cancer at bay more than Tamoxifen alone so I’m willing to give it a try. I will also have to have a bone scan as Aromasin isn’t too kind on your bones (or hair!). I’m feeling very 50/50 about that. I do have some aches and pains that I put down to Tamoxifen etc – none of them cause me any trouble really or are there all the time. At least if I have another scan I’ll know for certain. Gulp.

Not surprisingly I burst into tears when I saw him. I didn’t really manage to get much out of my mouth to be honest, but he knows I have had time off because of stress and it is still ongoing. Like my GP he asked if I was getting support from work, and said (his words) “This is the last thing you need right now”. I said I had seen Occ. Health and was hoping to see them again soon… (I emailed them again yesterday).

The actual treatment went ok - the nurse got straight into a vein. Hurrah!! That makes a change.

For the first time since I returned to work after my original cancer treatment I didn't go back to work afterwards today. I can't face it when I have this to deal with.

So, I’m done for 6 months now.

Overreacting?

I've had a funny couple of months, a time where I have begun to wonder if I am now a different person to the one I was before cancer.

The thing is, before cancer I was quite a happy-go-lucky type of girl. I was having fun, and enjoying a pretty carefree life. I worked hard, and then played hard too. Life was good.

Then along came the cancer diagnosis, the treatment, hospitals etc and I was forced to take a huge step away from my normal life. No work, and very little play. In the meantime the world kept spinning, but maybe I got left behind a bit? Friends moved on, had families, got divorced, started families etc. I was just the poor sod who had cancer, who was being so "brave"...

So - treatment ends and I try to go back to normal. I found this very difficult after a year out! This took me by surprise to be honest. Surely I should have been feeling great?? Seems that isn't quite how it works! But, another year on I am still wondering what the hell has happened to the old me. I think I have lost her forever, and I am probably still in mourning over that. The new me is much more emotional, and I "overreact" (not my words) now. Hmm. I think the truth is I just react now. I was so content before cancer, things didn't phase me, I brushed them off. I can't do that now. The world seems to be a very different place to me now.

Like I say, a funny few months where I seem to be moving further away from some friends who can't "get" the new me. I can't blame them I suppose, I don't get me either sometimes.

Long time no post...

I haven't felt the need to post here for a long time. I suppose I have been enjoying life away from cancerland. Unfortunately I find myself there again... No - it's not a dreaded recurrance or anything. It's just taking up too much of my headspace just now. I need to offload so here I am, offloading.

First up, I am forced to think about cancer again as I am back at the hospital this week. Tomorrow I will be prodded and poked. I hate being prodded and poked. How undignified it is to have to show a complete stranger your mutilated body. Sounds dramatic?? Well, sadly it's the truth. My body is mutilated. I have one boob, and a very unsightly scar at the other side. Not nice. But the doctors need to check me, so I must lose all pride and show all again tomorrow.

Then I have the fun of sitting there while some poor sod tries to find a vein to put the drugs into. This gets harder each time, and I seem to be dreading it more and more as time goes by. That's not right is it? Surely I should be getting used to it by now! Hey ho.

As for emotions. All over the place at the mo. I have friends in dire situations and other friends who don't get how that affects me. It's difficult for everyone I suppose, but hard as I try to move away from cancerland it's always there in the back of my mind. I don't have the luxury of being able to pretend it wasn't part of my life. It IS part of my life, even a few years on.

So, that's me at the moment. All a bit mixed up really. Hopefully now I have put it in words I can move on again.

Happy Anniversary to me...

It was two years ago today that I received the terrible diagnosis that would change my life forever. On Friday 13 May 2005 at the age of 33 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

A day I will never ever forget, but as time goes by a day I hope to think about less and less...

Me 1 Cancer 0

I haven't felt the need to write much recently. In fact, cancer hasn't really featured much in my life recently. It's like a switch has been flicked in my head and I'm back to acting and thinking like the old me.

Had a really good chat with a colleague at work the other day, and it made me realise just how depressed I have been over the last few months. I didn't realise it at the time but looking back I was very down. I guess it's understandable after all I have been through the last couple of years, even I can admit to struggling a bit now which is not easy believe me!!

So, all is good in my world at the moment. Long may it continue!!

2 years on...

2 years ago today I went to see my gp about a lump in my right breast... What a horrible scary time that was and one that I don't want to dwell on just now because I actually feel quite good at the moment.

Back to reality

Well, I am back and I really did have a great time. Not only was it a trip to another country, it was well and truly a break from cancer world. I can honestly say that for the first time in 2 years I didn't think about breast cancer much. Apart from a few problems getting my swimming boob dry, I felt just like any other person away enjoying their holiday with their family.

It really was just what I needed. I don't even begrudge the extortionate amount I had to pay for insurance now, it was worth every penny.

Mixed day

I've had quite a nice day today, swimming, babies and friends all round but then I spoke to my mum and I completely forgot that her friend (same age as me) was at the hospital today having a lump checked out. She had a mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy. Results next week... I felt sick to the stomach when my mum was telling me about it all. Apparantly the hospital was PACKED. All those poor people...

More bad news

My aunt phoned earlier, her best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer a few weeks ago and had a mastectomy last week. She got her post op results today, and has found out she will be having chemo and rads so is a bit upset. My aunt was a bit flustered about it all so phoned me for a bit more info. Horrible, nasty disease.

Funeral

The funeral was today. I cried lots (especially at the bit where the vicar spoke about her getting cancer). I had a bit of a dark moment where I wondered how many of the people in the church would end up being at my funeral. Moments like that just make you think don't they...

Can I help??

I'm up before lunchtime again - wahoo!!

The lass who has recently been diagnosed has phoned me this morning. She sounds terrified, poor lass. She's coming round to have a chat with me this afternoon. I hope I can help her in some way, but I'm now feeling a bit nervous myself. I'm usually quite a confident person, but now I'm worrying that I might say the wrong thing to her and make matters worse. I'm sure my breast care nurse must think I'll be ok, or she wouldn't have suggested it but its quite a big thing isn't it? I'm guessing she also picked me cos I've tolerated chemo quite well. Plus I'm one of those people who tries to see a bright side in everything. Oh heck, I'm babbling now cos I'm nervous. I can only wonder how the other poor girl is feeling. It must have taken some guts for her to pick the phone up this morning.

Where do I start??

Thought it was about time I had a go at this. I've had a rough couple of years and feel like I need to offload some of it in the hope that it will help me move on, or something like that...

Well, 2005 was a bad year for me. I should have known when I spent New Years Eve in bed, full of cold it wasn't going to be a good one... I'll try and keep this short, but here is a quick summary of my breast cancer journey in 2005.

• Mid March 2005 - I discovered a lump while showering - the lump that would change my life forever.
• April 18th - plucked up courage to see GP about the lump and was referred to breast clinic.
• April 29th - went to breast clinic. Got prodded, poked, squashed and scared.
• Friday 13th May 2005 - a date I will never forget because I was diagnosed with breast cancer, at the age of 33. So, I went to the pub and got very drunk.
• June 6th - The day of operation number one, my first ever hospital stay. A lumpectomy and axillary clearance, and not very much sleep... Hospitals are not a good place for sleeping!
• June 17th - A bad day cos I got post op results and they weren't very good. Here's the science bit... My cancer was Grade 2, 23mm, 6 lymph nodes involved, er+ and pr+ (and since found out HER2-). No clear margins (spread up to 60mm). So, I was told I had to have a mastectomy. I cried a lot that day and felt really defeated. I was also told I was going to have CT and bone scans. A very scary time!
• July 4th - had bone scan.
• July 12th - had CT scan.
• July 19th - had mastectomy. I found out the results of both scans literally just before op - both clear!! Hurrah, some "good" news at last!
• July 29th - got post op results. No nasty surprises this time. Told I had to have chemo (E/CMF), radiotherapy and tamoxifen.
• Aug 5th - started chemo.
• Aug 26th - shaved hair off, sick of finding it everywhere...

And so it went on... trips to the hospital every few weeks, needles, no hair and feeling crap.