Life Coaching - session 3

This week’s session was really good again, although not the Sumo session I was expecting. I think that will be next time (not next week cos she is on holiday). Not as much theory this week, so this shouldn’t take me long to type!

Basically we broke down some of the things that are and will cause me to feel stressed at work. She calls this “Uncovering Stress”. She said we have to break things down because if I just think the problem is work – the whole thing – I might as well give up now and get another job.

So, we went through a few points and broke them up into little headings:

What is the root of my stress

I’ll use one example through all these points – me holding team meetings. The last time I did that was very uncomfortable!

What are my feelings

I feel very anxious and sick.

What behaviour is provoked? (My behaviour – not anyone elses)

I feel uncomfortable and there are awkward silences.

Who is responsible?

They are.

What do I control?

Where people sit and how the meeting will “flow” (back to me taking the mic!).

What am I going to do and when am I going to do it?

Change the way everyone sits. Don’t sit with me at one “side” and all of the team sat as far away as possible. Make people sit closer, in a circle and make sure key people who will offer support are spread around the circle so I have people I can look at in different points in that circle. I’m going to start by sitting at the other “side” to normal – so they can’t all huddle round. I will take that spot, I will have control.

She also said I should use the advice I got from the mediation service – use silence when waiting for responses, ask closed questions etc.

Finally she said I shouldn’t set myself up – I should prepare for the worst, and make sure I tense up all my muscles etc before I start the meeting and then relax when I do start so I at least give the appearance of being relaxed and in control. I should expect there will be a lot of negativity in my direction, and as I am expecting it I won’t act shocked or surprised. I will be in control (I’ll keep repeating that bit to myself - today has been a hard day!!).

So – I am now to use these headings for anything else that crops up, and make sure I come up with some answers to the last point for each of them. Hopefully along with all the other tips she has given me I’ll get there.

End of lesson :)

Another appointment...

I had an appointment with my employer's mediation service a couple of days ago so I thought I'd add something about it here...

It was very emotional - that kind of surprised me to be honest. I've had a few really big sobs and gave myself a headache that lasted for 2 days! All in a good cause though, I think I have had a few more realisations which is good.

We talked round the whole situation and how I feel about it now I am back at work. I explained that I felt the atmosphere in the office was still bad, if not worse in some ways due to the ever escalating and spiralling nature of what is happening. We talked about all this in depth, but I won't bore you with the details as I think I have said enough about all that already!!

So, what have I got out of this and where am I going to go from here?

• The more personal/emotional stuff

I think I had already done this, but it was highlighted in this meeting that I am extremely hurt and disappointed that a group of people (some of whom I considered friends) have, in my opinion, behaved in such a bad way towards me resulting in me having to remove myself from work on stress grounds. This was the bit that made me cry the most. I'm severely disappointed in them and, as it isn't behaviour I would display I don't understand them. However - I have now realised I can't do anything about that. I can't change them. This is something for the Life Coach to deal with I think. I need to know how I deal with this, and putting the strong emotional feelings I have to one side. I'll let you know how I get on with this!

I did have another very emotional moment when I asked what I am supposed to do if I have more quiet and subdued moments in the future. After all, this seems to have triggered all the recent events off. I don't think we really got to a conclusion here, we all seemed unable to work that one out properly. I think the upshot of this is I have to lower my morals and standards and sometimes stay at home rather than facing work, even though I feel I am fit for work because the staff don't see it that way. I'll also discuss this with the Life Coach and see if she has any bright ideas on that one.

• Regaining confidence in my role at work

This is what I want to achieve. I want my confidence back, which is still very low. We tried to think of ways I can get control back, and to tip the balance of power in the team back into the correct place. We discussed things I felt anxious about and how I could take back control. Things like:

• Team meetings

This is a situation that was uncomfortable prior to me going off sick, as when I directed questions at people they ignored me (or claimed they didn't realise I was speaking to them...). So they suggested I do the following:

1) Use closed questions - impossible to ignore these as I will be asking for a direct, short answer. 2) Use silence - wait for a response, and wait, and wait. Take control of the silence - don't fill in the blanks. If this goes on too long - ask the question again. Then use silence again. Warn people who are responsive that you will be doing this.
3) Use forced alternative questions - Give options so people have to pick one answer. No option not to respond - you have to choose answer A or answer B.

• Changes in the office

Use this as a possible opportunity to speak to all my staff, individually. Ask people what they do currently etc, even if I already know the answer. Ask for "help" to fill in any blanks - makes people feel like their opinion is valued? The jury is still out on this one to be honest. Iknow I will struggle to speak to some who refuse to even acknowledge my existence...

• Do floor walking

Make my presence felt - so I can check things like internet activity. Can either do this silently, or use it as an opportunity to speak to people individually as I walk round.

• Taking the mic

This is a good example of how to take control back and gain confidence. Think of a comedy club, and how you would hate to sit on the front row. To be in charge means I have that microphone, and the team are sat on the front row. I have the mic, so I have the control. I need to make sure I keep hold of the mic.

• set small goals, make lists

This isn't going to go away and get better quickly, it will take time. So, each week set small challenges. Don't worry if you don't achieve them - just list the other things you did achieve. This doesn't mean you are bad and haven't achieved things - it just means you are bad at writing lists and need some practice!!

I think that is pretty much everything (in a nutshell - it was a 2 hour 15 minute discussion!). It was very useful. I now feel like I need to split myself into 2 - professional me and the real me. I'll bring professional me to work every day - a polite, professional manager but with no personal feelings. If I feel this isn't possible, then maybe I will have to consider whether I am fit for work... Like I say - something for the Life Coach there I think...