Dipping my toes back into cancerland

I’ve been to the hospital today. Everything seems ok again thankfully. My Oncologist thinks I will be changing my medication next time I go as he is now quite certain I am post menopausal. I’ll be changing onto another drug – Aromasin (exemestane) so will have a whole load of new side effects to discover! From the little I do know, it seems that taking Aromasin after Tamoxifen seems to work well and keep cancer at bay more than Tamoxifen alone so I’m willing to give it a try. I will also have to have a bone scan as Aromasin isn’t too kind on your bones (or hair!). I’m feeling very 50/50 about that. I do have some aches and pains that I put down to Tamoxifen etc – none of them cause me any trouble really or are there all the time. At least if I have another scan I’ll know for certain. Gulp.

Not surprisingly I burst into tears when I saw him. I didn’t really manage to get much out of my mouth to be honest, but he knows I have had time off because of stress and it is still ongoing. Like my GP he asked if I was getting support from work, and said (his words) “This is the last thing you need right now”. I said I had seen Occ. Health and was hoping to see them again soon… (I emailed them again yesterday).

The actual treatment went ok - the nurse got straight into a vein. Hurrah!! That makes a change.

For the first time since I returned to work after my original cancer treatment I didn't go back to work afterwards today. I can't face it when I have this to deal with.

So, I’m done for 6 months now.

No way...

I think this has been the worst week of my life post diagnosis so far. Not only have I been grieving for my friend, the unthinkable has happened at work.

It appears a formal complaint has been lodged at work. Great - about time some people might say. Time to sort it out once and for all. But no - the complaint is AGAINST me. By the very people who have made my life hell for the last 6 months, and whose behaviour resulted in me having time off because of stress. No more undercover bullying from them, oh no. They've gone for the jugular now.

So, despite the fact that I have done NOTHING other than try to do my job, and be a bit subdued while I have been having a few hard times in my private life I am now having to face a formal investigation that will probably take months. I'll have to discuss my private feelings with yet more strangers now, which I find really hard to do. OK I spill all here, but that is different. This blog is like therapy!

Oh, and to top it all off I'm back at the hospital next week. Yes my lovely work colleagues - you know for CANCER treatment. Remember??

I'm struggling to keep my faith in human nature tonight.

*sigh*

Life Coaching - session 3

This week’s session was really good again, although not the Sumo session I was expecting. I think that will be next time (not next week cos she is on holiday). Not as much theory this week, so this shouldn’t take me long to type!

Basically we broke down some of the things that are and will cause me to feel stressed at work. She calls this “Uncovering Stress”. She said we have to break things down because if I just think the problem is work – the whole thing – I might as well give up now and get another job.

So, we went through a few points and broke them up into little headings:

What is the root of my stress

I’ll use one example through all these points – me holding team meetings. The last time I did that was very uncomfortable!

What are my feelings

I feel very anxious and sick.

What behaviour is provoked? (My behaviour – not anyone elses)

I feel uncomfortable and there are awkward silences.

Who is responsible?

They are.

What do I control?

Where people sit and how the meeting will “flow” (back to me taking the mic!).

What am I going to do and when am I going to do it?

Change the way everyone sits. Don’t sit with me at one “side” and all of the team sat as far away as possible. Make people sit closer, in a circle and make sure key people who will offer support are spread around the circle so I have people I can look at in different points in that circle. I’m going to start by sitting at the other “side” to normal – so they can’t all huddle round. I will take that spot, I will have control.

She also said I should use the advice I got from the mediation service – use silence when waiting for responses, ask closed questions etc.

Finally she said I shouldn’t set myself up – I should prepare for the worst, and make sure I tense up all my muscles etc before I start the meeting and then relax when I do start so I at least give the appearance of being relaxed and in control. I should expect there will be a lot of negativity in my direction, and as I am expecting it I won’t act shocked or surprised. I will be in control (I’ll keep repeating that bit to myself - today has been a hard day!!).

So – I am now to use these headings for anything else that crops up, and make sure I come up with some answers to the last point for each of them. Hopefully along with all the other tips she has given me I’ll get there.

End of lesson :)

Life Coaching - session 2

A little late... Here’s an update on last Monday's session – more useful tips coming right up…!

We talked about how the brain works, and how you can train it to work differently (there is a fancy name for this - neuro linguistic programming I think!). It’s all to do with the things in your subconscious mind and how “normally” you can keep a lid on the more negative things. However, when you feel depressed or stressed this becomes more difficult. She said to think of my mind like a large cardboard box (I laughed in my subconscious mind then – my mind does often feel like an empty box!). Inside that box is a tube of toothpaste, the negative thoughts. When things are going well, the toothpaste just rattles around in there. When things are going bad – the box gets crushed and out squirts all the toothpaste.

Still with me? So, onto what happens when the toothpaste is squirting all over the place…

80% of the thoughts you have are down to what you “hear”. Things people say, do, the tone used, body language and your perception of this. You take in the negative things, and as she quite rightly said you don’t lay in bed at night remembering the positive things people said to you that day…! This is how your mind works (especially in Britain, we “like” to be negative). It dismisses the good and dwells on the bad if you let it. This in turn affects your subconscious mind. Vicious circle coming right up… When your subconscious mind is getting overwhelmed with all this negativity it affects your feelings, your body language, behaviour etc and makes you feel depressed. So you take in more of the negative thoughts, and go back to the beginning all over again…

So, now time for some brain training! I had to think of some negative/limiting beliefs I have. I won’t fill up my blog with it all, but here is an example of one of them:

I believe that people don’t like me and I have lost my self confidence (in myself and my abilities). This has come from the situation at work. This has already had negative consequences – stress and time off work. If I don’t do anything to change it, I will lose my sanity and possibly my job as I won’t feel I can continue.

So – time to kick the old grey matter into touch and turn it around. New way to look at it is:

My old belief that people don’t like me is rubbish. I now believe I’m liked and loved by the people who matter to me. The situation at work says everything about them and nothing about me.

Same situation, different outlook/belief.

I’ve got to think these kinds of thought all the time now – to train my brain into reacting in a more positive way. I even have to consciously change my body language to stop any negative beliefs. She said she was taught to put her finger up her nose when she started to think of things in a negative way (!) but thought that was a bit odd. I have a new technique though which I like a lot.

Bit of “science”… currently in my stressed/depressed state I have a motorway to bad thoughts in my mind. It’s the quickest and easiest route so why would my brain go anywhere different? I need to put up a diversion! Apparently it takes about 10,000 attempts to do this! She said that would probably take about a fortnight, cos the mind does a lot of thinking in that time! I think I have clocked up a few hundred already today so maybe I will come off a junction early already!

I think that pretty much sums up this week’s installment. Next week is SUMO. I thought “Oh my god – what will I have to wear!!”. Apparently it stands for Shut Up Move On. I can’t wait for that!

I now really think just by changing the way I react to all this will help find a solution to it all. Make way for the new improved me – fully available in about another 6 weeks but a trial version out now!!

I can't cope with the stress any more...

I phoned in sick today (which was a farce to be honest, and took me HOURS!). Anyway, the deed is done and I have said it out loud "I can't cope with the pressure, I'm stressed". Never thought I would say that, but do you know what? I feel better now I have come to this decision, and have removed myself from the ugly situation I have been facing every work day. It feels like already I have got some power back. I can concentrate on me now, on making myself strong again.

Sod the lot of 'em!

Time to give up?

I've come to a decision. On Monday I will not be returning to work. I can't continue. I give up and I am admitting the stress has got too much. Despite my bosses best efforts, nothing is changing. There is a group of people who should be very ashamed of themselves for the way they have made me feel these last few months. I don't know if they ever will, but I'm not hanging around to find out. These bad people are going to walk into work on Monday and discover they don't have a manager for a while...