Where do I go from here?

Been out and about today (shopping but not one penny spent - if you don't count lunch!), and came home to 5 messages on my answering machine from my big boss so thought I'd better call back...

She and my immediate line manager went to see HR yesterday. The HR adviser agreed the behaviour was definitely bordering on harassment and/or bullying. She said they were there most of the afternoon discussing it. Anyway, the outcome is my big boss has spoken to the whole team and has read a statement to them explaining how serious it is, and that if anything should happen again there will be no option other than to take formal proceedings (grievance, disciplinary etc). She also explained the effect it has had on me, and that I am off sick as a result of their collective behaviour. I think she pointed out that those of them who knew something was going on but did nothing to stop it were also in the wrong. She will be issuing them all with a copy of her "statement".

Big boss said it was met with stony silence... She asked me how I feel now. I said I don't know. I said yes, if they now take it on board fine but what if they don't? She said it wouldn't be tolerated again, and would go straight into a more formal route. She said she was still upset that I was sick because of this, but thinks a bit of space is the right thing to have just now, while the dust settles a bit.

She is going to send me a copy of it, so I can have a read of it myself. Oh, and I am getting referred to Occupational Health now - probably for counselling.

I don't know how I feel about it now. I don't know what I expected to happen, but I just think words are very easy and how the hell do I walk back into the office now pretending it's all over? I really hate these people now (strong emotion I know, but how I feel), and how am I going to get over that? I think I need a bit longer to lick my wounds...

Ouch - what a day

Today my bosses started to talk to the people who have been involved in making my life hell for the last few months. So, am I skipping around punching the air in glee because I am glad that they are being taken to task over it? In a a word - no. In reality I've been sat at my desk, knowing I am the hot topic of conversation (both in meetings and by e mail in the office!) and knowing that I'm being discussed in a harsh way by some. All this because I withdrew a little while I was struggling a bit emotionally. Talk about feeling like you've been kicked when you are down.

I'm cross with myself for allowing this to get to me so much. I'm cross that the way it is making me feel is wasting my precious life (life that quite frankly I truly believed 3 years ago was going to be cut very short). I'm not asking for people to treat me differently because I had cancer - far from it. I don't wear it like a badge, quite the opposite in fact. I try, as far as is possible, to put it to the back of my mind and to live a "normal" life despite the daily reminders when I see myself in a mirror, take a tablet every day. BUT, all I want is for other people to give me a little consideration now and again. To understand that sometimes, just now and again I struggle a little emotionally. And that if I withdraw a little it's not because of something they have or haven't done. It's just I need some time for me while I jump over the next little hurdle that life throws at me.

I'm approaching anniversaries again too. I think that is making me feel a bit worse. It's a very mixed bag of feelings. On the one hand I feel glad, and dare I say it lucky that I'm still here and am not in as bad a position as many other people who have been much less fortunate than myself. But there is still the part of me that wonders what is round the next corner, and if my luck is going to run out at some point. Maybe when all the other crap is sorted out I will be able to concentrate on the first set of feelings...