New beginnings

I hardly dare say this out loud... but work is ok!! Yes, ok! The "situation" ended. It was never dealt with, or any of the behaviour addressed so the legacy lives on BUT the protest was dropped and finally, 3 weeks ago, I got a new team. It's going well too. I've even been called "cool" and "sound" by some of my team. Yes, they meant me. Wow.

The 4 bullies are still working behind the scenes to try and spoil things. They don't have the same power now though. I hope their position continues to weaken as time goes by.

So - despite all the baggage it has left me with - I have made it a turning point in my life and it is the start of a new phase in my life. I'm focusing on all that is good in my life, and am doing all that I can to accept the bad. I've had the most horrendous time both health wise and in my work and personal life but it's time for a new start. I need a new start. I want happiness.

It's amazing what having a purpose does. I like.

The end?

Hmmm...

I had yet another meeting at work today. One of quite a few meetings recently, but I'm bored of being a part of it all never mind typing it up. However, sometimes it's good to get it out of my head and onto "paper", I really do find it therapeutic. So, here's an update.

The mediation report arrived, and was in my opinion flawed and seemed biased. Let's just say the 4 of them did a good job of passing on their opinion as fact. I still struggle to even think about some of the cruel heartless things I had to listen to that day. Anyway - one part of the outcome was that I should move teams as has been demanded, repeatedly, by the 4 people who have been making my life hell for almost 2 years now. I, as ever trying to be the reasonable one, accepted this but very begrudgingly and told HR this was the last time I would be reasonable. I felt if it put an end to it, so be it. I was told this decision was non negotiable...

The 4 then got the outcome (which involved some movement with them as well), and they started to negotiate!! Yet again, they say jump and my employer starts warming up for a high jump! The tail is most definitely wagging the dog! So, I and my 3 managers (who have remained very supportive) put our feet down, hard, and said we rejected this stage and were considering taking further action.

Today I heard back from the union. The whole business is being swept under the carpet now, like it never happened. It will disappear, along with the boss who retires next week. He appears to be the scapegoat now. Convenient. The 4 remain working in other teams away from me, and I can stay in my current job. This is of course great news, I should be pleased. But as the poor behaviour and discriminatory attitudes (which are still displayed to me regularly at work) remains, and isn't dealt with I just don't know how I am going to deal with the future. It's going to be hard.

The union rep summed it up well today. I was ill and the staff didn't know how to deal with that so transferred their inability to cope into anger towards me. I've just got to figure out how I keep working somewhere where people are very open about the fact they wish I'd died now. Harsh, but I have bills that won't pay themselves.

I think I just need time to get my head round this. I'm not sure I truly believe it is over.

Not something I would like to repeat...

I couldn't even face writing about it last week... It was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life (and one of the longest!). Really really horrible to have to sit there and listen to people say horrible things about you, right in front of you. Not just "you upset me because blah blah blah", but really really nasty comments. The lowest, nastiest comment being "I've had people in my family DIE from cancer, but I really don't care what happens to you now".

All this because I was quieter than normal. Yes, I committed the ultimate crime of becoming a little withdrawn. This is now known by some as "using your illness".

I tried to maintain my dignity throughout - but found it hard to hold back my emotions all day and did have to have a cry in the toilet between each session. I hate crying in public, in fact I hate crying full stop. Especially over this. It shouldn't be so important.

Who would ever have thought people could be so cruel? It's been an eye opener has all this. Even the impartial mediator texted me the day after to check I was ok. She also suggested I get some support. Not sure where from though!! I don't seem to be able to get any anywhere!

I wish I could get away from this horrible situation. Please let the recession end and let me find somewhere decent to work!

Mediation

Tomorrow I have between 6 and 8 hours of mediation to endure.

Sounds negative? Sadly that's how I feel. The "situation" at work as I now refer to it has been going on for 20 months now. My days there are definitely numbered now. A girl can only take so much but the damn recession is making it difficult for me to go onto pastures new...

So, tomorrow I have to sit and listen to 4 bullies sit and have yet another go at me. Before I even get there I know they feel I have received "special" treatment at work because I had cancer. Yes, that is what they think. The only reason they have been found to be bullies is because I had cancer. No-one would have believed it otherwise! Who knew a tumour could have so much power!! Strangely I was under the impression it was their behaviour that got them the bully label, not my dodgy cells!

I have to endure this bile all day tomorrow. Good job I have faced worse in my life. I intend to remain dignified, calm and hope to keep the hurt they have caused to myself. Talking about all this now is too little too late for me. I don't want to pick at old wounds I have been trying so hard to heal.

I'm absolutely dreading it though...

Where has the last month gone?

Well, the results were out last month.  All the complaints against me were not upheld.  I knew they couldn't be, but I was still very worried.  I have lost a lot of faith in a lot of people this year so wasn't really sure which way it would go to be honest.

The outcome also found 3 of the 8 people have displayed intimidating behaviour towards me.  Great - some back up and support for me  to put an end to all this you would think.  Erm no - they have all (all 8) been off sick since the results came out and are appealing against the decision.  It seems they weren't advised it could turn round on them.  The fact their complaints weren't upheld, yet they were actually found to be in the wrong seems to have been a bitter pill to swallow...  My caring employer has yet again done nothing to support me, despite the fact it has now been proven I have been bullied.  They have even been asking me for ideas on how to get the 8 back to work!?! 

So, another month and still no end to all this rubbish.  However, I am trying to put as much of it as I can behind me for a couple of weeks so I can enjoy Christmas with the people I care about. 

The interview

This is going to be quite a short post, because I am exhausted to be honest.

I had my investigation interview yesterday. It was ok I suppose, but on more than one occasion I got very upset. I guess the word that describes me best at the moment is fragile. All the months of this going on have really taken their toll on me.

I am still unclear how I am a bully, or have harassed or intimidated anyone. The questions asked didn't really give me the answers to that. In fact, some of it was laughable (well, it would be if I wasn't so upset!). One of the complaints against me is that I have laughed when talking to another manager at work. I kid you not - the possible few occasions where I have laughed this year is now being used against me!!

I managed to take a union rep with me to the meeting, and he was disgusted about the interview. He said he will be taking it up with the powers that be. Good for him, I think, but I'm really getting tired of all the battles surrounding this. I feel like a pawn in a game where I don't understand the rules.

*sigh*

Time to have my say?

I've just spent what was supposed to be a relaxing weekend away with my family trying to sort out a union rep who could accompany me to an "investigation Interview" I have been called for tomorrow. I found out at quarter to 6 on Thursday evening that my interview was tomorrow. I was supposed to be going on holiday on Friday afternoon, and was not supposed to be home until late today. I had to cut my holiday short to sort this out. I couldn't get away on Friday, and had to come home earlier than planned today. It's been a nightmare. I found out 20 minutes ago that someone can accompany me.

So, tomorrow I will be getting questioned about me being a bully. I have no idea what the allegations are. Remember it was me who was being bullied by my team, for many months. It seems that the ultimate form of bullying now seems to be submitting a formal complaint against your victim. I think the time has come for me to look for a job elsewhere. It's not doing my health (emotional and physical) any good waiting for this to be resolved.

I feel like I am close to giving in. Let the bullies win, I don't have much strength left to fight this.

No way...

I think this has been the worst week of my life post diagnosis so far. Not only have I been grieving for my friend, the unthinkable has happened at work.

It appears a formal complaint has been lodged at work. Great - about time some people might say. Time to sort it out once and for all. But no - the complaint is AGAINST me. By the very people who have made my life hell for the last 6 months, and whose behaviour resulted in me having time off because of stress. No more undercover bullying from them, oh no. They've gone for the jugular now.

So, despite the fact that I have done NOTHING other than try to do my job, and be a bit subdued while I have been having a few hard times in my private life I am now having to face a formal investigation that will probably take months. I'll have to discuss my private feelings with yet more strangers now, which I find really hard to do. OK I spill all here, but that is different. This blog is like therapy!

Oh, and to top it all off I'm back at the hospital next week. Yes my lovely work colleagues - you know for CANCER treatment. Remember??

I'm struggling to keep my faith in human nature tonight.

*sigh*

Keeping strong

I'm trying to, really I am.

Yesterday was day 2 in the lion's den. I had an almost audible response to my "morning" greeting. Or maybe someone just had wind... One person has still completely refused to even acknowledge my existence. I have purposefully tried to speak to people - delivering letters to them from the printer etc. I'm not really getting anything in response.

Another former "friend" and colleague could not disguise the contempt and disgust he feels towards me as he spoke to me yesterday - although he was trying to be professional (I think!). Shame he hasn't told his face what he was trying to achieve!

But, I was remaining buoyant, upbeat, positive and wasn't going to let it get me down again. I'm wavering today to be honest...

Back into the lion's den

I did it. I went back into work today, with my head held high and a smile on my face. I was so sugar coated I think I might actually make someone puke. Ha!

I was greeted by silence from most of my team, bless them (!). The "bullies" couldn't even look at me, or acknowledge my presence. Difference is now I don't care so they can stick that in their pipe and smoke it as far as I am concerned. A couple of people on the outskirts were a bit terse, but did at least acknowledge me. They'll get over it in time I'm sure.

I also had an appointment with Occpational Health, who are referring me to a Life Coach. That should be interesting if nothing else. I'm very interested to know what advice she can give me on dealing with these people. I see her on Monday...

I've told my manager's and Occy Health that these "bullies" have the next 3 weeks to get their act together, and get over whatever it is they have a problem with (we still don't really know what their problem is!!). Once that time is up, if there is still bad feeling towards me and an atmosphere in the office I will make a formal complaint against the bullies, and HR have already said they are confident this would result in disciplinary action. Enough is enough don't you think?

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...

I met my 3 bosses today, for 3 hours! How time flies when you are having fun!

I was very honest with them, and have told them how I feel about the people in my team, that I have no respect for them etc. However, I did explain that as I have been away from work for so long now, I'm not feeling sad, or stressed about the bad people. Quite frankly I don't care about them at all now, or what they think.

So, I'm off back in tomorrow for an hour or so before my Occupational Health appointment (which I have just had a phone call about - they've got my appointment mixed up. Good start!).

What else? Oh yes - the union rep who is representing the baddies suggested to my bosses that maybe I should move teams when I go back. I DON'T THINK SO MATEY!! My managers were disgusted with this suggestion (they think he is just passing on the main bad person's "demands" - he's new to the role and, in my opinion is making a right mess of things). As they told him, why would they move me - I haven't done anything wrong...? I then, half jokingly said that would look good under the DDA - "employer shifts cancer patient out of the way" which led onto a serious discussion about it. We think I would have a very good case under the DDA against some of my team which would quite probably result in disciplinary action being taken. They saw a weakness in my state of mind (I can't think of a better way to put that) which was ultimately related to me having had cancer and they (in my opinion)victimised/bullied/harrassed me because of it. So, I am going to mention this when I go to Occy Health tomorrow, just so it is recorded somewhere should this not work out and end up as a formal procedure. I'm ok with that. I would never have dreamt of playing the cancer card, it just isn't me. But facts are facts I suppose and it may need to be recorded somewhere if this doesn't go away.

Oh - I also have an appointment with the woman in charge of a mediation service next week - so we can discuss how I can deal with these people I hate (strong word, but true) now. I'm up for that (I once went on a course she ran - she's very good). I do think any help and support I can get to help get me over the very bad taste this has left in my mouth would be very useful.

So - after my meeting, my bosses were off to speak to the team to tell them I was coming back tomorrow. They are going to offer the support of the mediation lady to them as well (no way are we all going together though!!), and are also going to say that if any of them feel they can't cope working in there they will see if they can accomodate them in another team. Ha! I like that bit!! I may end up in an empty room tomorrow...

I asked my bosses to let me know, honestly, how the meeting went. It was 1pm and I haven't heard anything yet... No news is good news isn't it?

By the way, despite all this I'm glad to be going back. I think.

Bump

That's the sound I make when I come back down to earth.

I met up with a friend from work yesterday. I'm not too sure of all the details yet but it seems the situation at work has escalated (yes even more!!). My big boss was going to HR again yesterday afternoon to speak to them about making it all formal. I think she has felt quite a lot of the backlash the last week or so, and the spotlight seems to have gone onto her now. So it looks like there will be some kind of formal process I'll have to be a part of. All the feelings I have managed to shake off these last few weeks will get raised to the surface again. Great.

I despair really. I feel pretty stuck now because I don't feel ill and the doc has signed me as fit for work next week. I won't be there for another couple of weeks cos I will be on holiday (I booked it a while ago), but then what? I dread walking back into the now even more escalated situation, but don't like being off work either because of it. I don't really know what to do or say now.

Argh.

Where do I go from here?

Been out and about today (shopping but not one penny spent - if you don't count lunch!), and came home to 5 messages on my answering machine from my big boss so thought I'd better call back...

She and my immediate line manager went to see HR yesterday. The HR adviser agreed the behaviour was definitely bordering on harassment and/or bullying. She said they were there most of the afternoon discussing it. Anyway, the outcome is my big boss has spoken to the whole team and has read a statement to them explaining how serious it is, and that if anything should happen again there will be no option other than to take formal proceedings (grievance, disciplinary etc). She also explained the effect it has had on me, and that I am off sick as a result of their collective behaviour. I think she pointed out that those of them who knew something was going on but did nothing to stop it were also in the wrong. She will be issuing them all with a copy of her "statement".

Big boss said it was met with stony silence... She asked me how I feel now. I said I don't know. I said yes, if they now take it on board fine but what if they don't? She said it wouldn't be tolerated again, and would go straight into a more formal route. She said she was still upset that I was sick because of this, but thinks a bit of space is the right thing to have just now, while the dust settles a bit.

She is going to send me a copy of it, so I can have a read of it myself. Oh, and I am getting referred to Occupational Health now - probably for counselling.

I don't know how I feel about it now. I don't know what I expected to happen, but I just think words are very easy and how the hell do I walk back into the office now pretending it's all over? I really hate these people now (strong emotion I know, but how I feel), and how am I going to get over that? I think I need a bit longer to lick my wounds...

Where did it go wrong?

Here I am again, which can mean only one thing... yes I need to offload again!

Where do I start?? Well, as you can see from the last couple of postings I made things weren't going too well. I was feeling quite down and life was a bit of a struggle. And it hasn't got any better. Somehow, just because I was quiet and reservced (and not like me at all) I have ended up being the victim of bullying and harassment in the workplace. That sounds quite strong when you write it down doesn't it? Sadly it's true.

I've been forced to do a lot of reflecting over the last week - and have had to open up some very painful wounds. This all started because a so-called friend at work forced me to open up and bare my soul - I told her some VERY personal and VERY painful things. Things I was happy to keep in my head, or at least on this blog. Things I don't like to talk about out loud. Things about my illness and the sometimes devastating effect it has had on my emotions and my outlook on life. All this to try and explain how the "problems" surrounding me were just that - my problems. Nothing to do with anyone else. I wasn't mad or upset with anyone. It was just me having a bit of a hard time living a life after cancer, yet I was doing this quietly and privately so was a bit withdrawn.

So - I open up, unwillingly and unusually, in the hope I can show that I don't have any issues with this so called friend. Just to try and explain what it is like to be me, an insight into my feelings and emotions. What I got back was quite frankly quite sinister, and there were some very nasty comments. The worst thing is, this hasn't just been from this one so called friend. She has enlisted the back up of a group of other colleagues who have made it impossible for me to function properly at work. I'm invisible to them now, and am excluded.

It's now affecting my whole life, I don't sleep well, don't eat well and spend far too much time, time that is precious to me, feeling down and moaning about it to my real friends. I don't like feeling so glum - I want to live life to the full, enjoy every precious minute. Yet every work day is so hard, and very draining for me. It's also incredibly stressful.

And as this is at work, I have now had to open up these wounds to others. People who do care and want to help me, but who I wouldn't necessarily share quite so much of my personal information with. I don't like to talk about my illness etc, I want to move on from it. I don't want to talk about it full stop! Yet I feel like I've been dragged back, and I'm hurting about it again. A lot.

When I had counselling last year, I had a big problem with opening up - always have done. That's one of the reasons I started to write this blog. I could do it anonymously here, I find it very therapeutic. This so called friend knew this, yet when she left me no option other than to open up, and say what was on my mind she turned it all around and fired back with all guns blazing. The reason for this is still a mystery to me. I did nothing but retreat a little while I got my head together.

So, where do I go from here? Do I let them "win" and leave? Do I care that the job I used to enjoy and have done for many years is now the cause of a lot of stress, anxiety and upset? Will I ever trust any of them again? Or do I grit my teeth and battle on in the hope that one day, some day it will all pass and they will turn their attention elsewhere? Will they ever realise what they have done, or how they have made me feel? Will they even care if they do?

I guess I will have to wait just a bit longer and wait for the situation to be dealt with by my bosses. The time has come to stand up to these bullies. That is not a nice feeling at all :(