I have at least one good vein :)

Yes, yes, yes!! I was at the hospital today for another infusion of zoledronic acid and the lovely chemo nurse got the cannula in first time!!!! I can't tell you how good that feels. No bruises or anything this time. Fab!!

Also saw the Oncologist who after a really good prod and poke said everything is still ok. Thank god for that!!

So, no more hospital until August and I think I only have another 3 or 4 quarterly appointments to go to then it's 6 monthly ones! Imagine a whole 6 months without a hospital appointment...

I can see your true colours...

Well, I've had a brief return into cancer world today cos I've been back to see my counsellor and have been for blood tests (my arm looks like a junkies!). I haven't seen my counsellor for quite a while (about 6 weeks?), not since before I went on holiday. I had thought about phoning up and cancelling, but I'm one of those people who likes to see something through so thought I should go up one last time just to tie up any loose ends etc...

So, we had a bit of a catch up and review today. Really good to do this, cos I knew I felt different and I knew I was more like the old me but actually having the chance to talk about it all has made me realise just how different I feel at the moment.

More than one person has commented that I seem different (including people who know nothing about my counselling etc). One friend of my mums said to her after a party the other week "She's back", cos I was my usual happy self, having a laugh (and kicking off with the management when things went wrong - hee hee!). She said I'd had a smile painted on before. Funny how some people can see right through you isn't it? My counsellor said she could tell I was different, not only by what I was saying and the fact I had a different hairdo, but my body language, the sparkle in my eyes etc.

We chatted about all the things I have overcome recently, all the hurdles I have had to get over culminating in the holiday I had completely dreaded (which was great once I got there!). Putting them all in one conversation really made me think how worthwhile going to see her has been. God knows what I'd be like now if I'd tried to carry on, struggling through. Funny thing is, now I look back I realise just how depressed I was. Even when I admitted I needed to see someone I don't think I realised how bad I was. Been a real eye opener has all this!

So - where do I go from here? I'm feeling more like the old me, but I still feel different. Not the damaged, sad me but a different, more contented me. I'm not quite as mardy these days anyway (well I don't think I am!!), and can cope better with other people. She has picked up on the fact I now have different boundaries, and I have changed some of my relationships (you definitely figure out who your real friends are when things go wrong!). But, do I really know how to carry on coping? I think yes but then again I have a sneaky suspicion that if things started to go wrong again I would climb back into my hole again. Still not keen on the asking for help thing. We also discussed a few other things to do with my future, and how I feel about them. Bit unsure on some of that...(but don't feel too bad either).

Plus, May/June is a big time for anniversaries for me. That sort of thing has come along and knocked me sideways before. I feel like I am ok with it all this time (I don't hate May for having 2 bank Holidays anymore, it's back to being party month!!) but she seems to think I shouldn't pack in my counselling until I am sure I am ok to be left to my own devices. So, we have reached a compromise that I won't go back again for a fortnight (although I am pencilled in for next Tuesday - just incase), where we will look at a few ways for me to keep on coping, and possible situations that could come up and knock me off track. Also, who knows after a game of hunt the vein tomorrow I might need a bit of therapy!

One final thing - if you ever get 5 mins Google Cyndi Lauper's "True Colours" lyrics. We've decided that is my song now (a throwback to the painting session I had) - cos at bl**din last I'm getting there!! :)

Bank Holiday

It's the Bank Holiday weekend, and true to form it has just started to rain. I'm off to a barbeque later as well... Great.

I'm still feeling pretty good, and life is busy. I've had a new hairdo (I LOVE getting my hair done now), I would never have had my hair cut short before but since I've been bald any hair seems long!

I don't like to give cancer much headspace at the moment. Then, now and again I worry that I am getting complacent and have a little panic that I am going to jinx myself by trying to lead a normal life. It's like I am having to dare myself to live. But hey, what is life without risks?

Just as I am stepping away from cancer land, I have an appointment at the hospital this week as part of the trial I am taking part in. So, here's hoping my veins want to play along this time cos playing hunt the vein isn't much fun these days :(

Me 1 Cancer 0

I haven't felt the need to write much recently. In fact, cancer hasn't really featured much in my life recently. It's like a switch has been flicked in my head and I'm back to acting and thinking like the old me.

Had a really good chat with a colleague at work the other day, and it made me realise just how depressed I have been over the last few months. I didn't realise it at the time but looking back I was very down. I guess it's understandable after all I have been through the last couple of years, even I can admit to struggling a bit now which is not easy believe me!!

So, all is good in my world at the moment. Long may it continue!!

She's back

Last night I was at a party, with a lot of my friends and family. I had a really good time.

I saw a friend of my mum's today, and she said she watched me dancing around having fun last night and thought to herself "She's back".

I hope this is a sign of things to come. I really haven't felt like cancer girl as much these last few weeks. Does this mean I am finally moving on from it? Or is something going to come along and rock my boat again? I hate how this disease has changed me from an optimist to a pessimist...

2 years on...

2 years ago today I went to see my gp about a lump in my right breast... What a horrible scary time that was and one that I don't want to dwell on just now because I actually feel quite good at the moment.

Back to reality

Well, I am back and I really did have a great time. Not only was it a trip to another country, it was well and truly a break from cancer world. I can honestly say that for the first time in 2 years I didn't think about breast cancer much. Apart from a few problems getting my swimming boob dry, I felt just like any other person away enjoying their holiday with their family.

It really was just what I needed. I don't even begrudge the extortionate amount I had to pay for insurance now, it was worth every penny.