Ouch

I had my mammogram today. Not a pleasant experience! If you have never had one - just imagine having your boob squashed in a vice and you will have a pretty good idea of what it is like! Ouchy ouchy ouch.

I have to confess to feeling a bit wobbly today. I decided to go on the bus (avoid the car park!) but that didn't work cos I still had to walk through it. Durr!! I felt sick as I walked into the hospital, I don't have good memories of that place. I feel I need to explain a bit here... the hospital where I go for my mammos is a different one to where I had my ops and treatment, but it's the one where I was diagnosed. So I have only been back there twice since diagnosis and it just feels so, erm...horrible there.

The mammo itself was ok I suppose, I get the results "sometime in the next 3 weeks", so back to the waiting game again. I don't mean this in a cruel way, but people I know who haven't had cancer don't really get what waiting for results feel like for me. I try and explain to friends how I feel, but they don't get it really. They mean well when they say the things they do but I just don't think they understand the turmoil I go through. I guess having a friend affected by cancer when you are still pretty young is hard though...

I digress...back to today. I had to strip off to the waist and then sit in a waiting room in a lovely hospital gown. This is a horrible experience when you only have one boob. I felt really self conscious. By now I am feeling quite emotional too. The radio was on, and Daniel Powter - "Bad Day" came on. How apt! Managed not to cry in public though, so was quite pleased about that!

Then I got called through and the radiographer was really lovely, a really bubbly person and she put me at ease. Well as much as possible! What a strange job that must be, squashing people's boobs all day!

Back into the waiting room then, while they check the films (to make sure they have got a good enough "picture"). Must have been ok cos I was then told I could go.

So, I am now going to dread the arrival of the NHS envelope for the next 3 weeks... Is it possible to keep everything crossed for 3 weeks I wonder?

Just when you thought it was safe to look at the post...

...another reminder of cancer pops through the letterbox.

On Thursday I received my appointment for my annual mammogram. The appointment was when I will be on holiday (13 days to go!!) so I had to phone up to change it. I got a cancellation, for this Wednesday...the 13th...

I felt sick when I put the phone down. I mean, I should be glad - get it out of the way and all that. But it did make me feel physically sick. I doubt I will get my results for a few weeks, so its back to the waiting game again.

Oh, and it means I have to go back to the place where all this started. Even the car park there makes me feel queasy...

Argh!

Race For Life

Two of my friends did the Race For Life today, with my name on their vests. I'm so proud of them, but couldn't face going to watch them. Does that make me selfish?? No, I don't think it does. I just need a lot of space between me and cancer at the moment. I really feel like I just need a break from it.

They've raised lots of money for cancer research though - so well done to them!

Having said that,now it's June I'm hitting anniversaries again... On Tuesday it will be 2 years since my first op (an unsuccessful lumpectomy). 2 whole years. Wow!

I'm going on holiday again!

I have booked another holiday!! I'm off to this villa:



It's near Albufeira, in Portugal and I go in 27 days time!!! I'm so excited. I've even managed to sort out some travel insurance that isn't costing me a fortune. It's a small fraction of the amount I had to pay last time.

Ain't life grand?

Another chapter over.

I've had my final counselling session today. I thought it would be, although now I know it has finished I feel a bit odd, and a bit emotional really...

We started off reviewing the last couple of weeks. I'd been quite down when I ended up with that bug last week. It hit me on the anniversary of my diagnosis so I was quite upset about that (cos I felt so crap anyway), and in all honesty the fact I managed 11 months but not quite 12 months without any sickness really annoyed me (that's me being harsh on myself again!). Plus, there was an article in the local paper about the fashion show that mentioned that 4 of the women have died since last year (I knew that already), that I read when I felt awful anyway... But, I managed to pick myself back up when I stopped feeling so ill (and when I could talk again - 2 days with no voice is not good for me!!) rather than dwelling on it for ages.

So, today was all about closure and how far I have come. We've chatted about all the things I was struggling with, and all the things I have overcome. We've also chatted about where I am at now, the person I think I am now (I'm not half as hard on myself as I was!), and where I see myself going. We have come up with some ideas/suggestions to keep me on the straight and narrow and, perhaps more importantly for me how I can recognise the signs if I start to go downhill again (like when everyone and everything starts to piss me off!!, or when I stop answering the phone, make excuses not to socialise etc).

We also discussed all the resources I have around me to make sure I feel supported in the future (including her - I had to promise I'd go back if things go wrong!). And, we also went over my own transformation over the last however long it has been, and how I am now living very much in the present and not the past like I was, and how my attitude to my illness and the affect it had on my life has changed. I'm almost there with the looking into the future thing (well, I've almost booked another holiday and that is as good as it gets for now).

So, that's it! Well, that's this bit over with anyway... I'm going to keep writing my blog cos that seems to help (she really likes the idea of that).

Happy Anniversary to me...

It was two years ago today that I received the terrible diagnosis that would change my life forever. On Friday 13 May 2005 at the age of 33 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

A day I will never ever forget, but as time goes by a day I hope to think about less and less...

Feeling ropey

Hmm... Just when things were looking up I feel really ropey. I've been feeling a bit dodgy since I had the infusion of zoledronic acid on Wednesday. My head has been a bit odd, yesterday I felt sick and today I feel all fluey and have the mother of all sore throats. Not good.

So, after being back at work for 11 months I am off sick again, and let me tell you I am a bit peeved about that. I wanted to get back to my previous clean sickness record. I know it can't be helped but I just feel like I have fallen at the final hurdle. Another few weeks and I would have notched up a full 12 sickie free months. Hey ho.

Felt a bit sorry for myself last night too. Mostly cos I feel crap, and a little bit cos this is the Friday I was diagnosed 2 years ago (it's my "proper" anniversary on the 13th). I thought this particular milestone was going to slip by a little bit unnoticed this year but I seem to have stumbled onto it again...