Not something I would like to repeat...

I couldn't even face writing about it last week... It was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life (and one of the longest!). Really really horrible to have to sit there and listen to people say horrible things about you, right in front of you. Not just "you upset me because blah blah blah", but really really nasty comments. The lowest, nastiest comment being "I've had people in my family DIE from cancer, but I really don't care what happens to you now".

All this because I was quieter than normal. Yes, I committed the ultimate crime of becoming a little withdrawn. This is now known by some as "using your illness".

I tried to maintain my dignity throughout - but found it hard to hold back my emotions all day and did have to have a cry in the toilet between each session. I hate crying in public, in fact I hate crying full stop. Especially over this. It shouldn't be so important.

Who would ever have thought people could be so cruel? It's been an eye opener has all this. Even the impartial mediator texted me the day after to check I was ok. She also suggested I get some support. Not sure where from though!! I don't seem to be able to get any anywhere!

I wish I could get away from this horrible situation. Please let the recession end and let me find somewhere decent to work!

Mediation

Tomorrow I have between 6 and 8 hours of mediation to endure.

Sounds negative? Sadly that's how I feel. The "situation" at work as I now refer to it has been going on for 20 months now. My days there are definitely numbered now. A girl can only take so much but the damn recession is making it difficult for me to go onto pastures new...

So, tomorrow I have to sit and listen to 4 bullies sit and have yet another go at me. Before I even get there I know they feel I have received "special" treatment at work because I had cancer. Yes, that is what they think. The only reason they have been found to be bullies is because I had cancer. No-one would have believed it otherwise! Who knew a tumour could have so much power!! Strangely I was under the impression it was their behaviour that got them the bully label, not my dodgy cells!

I have to endure this bile all day tomorrow. Good job I have faced worse in my life. I intend to remain dignified, calm and hope to keep the hurt they have caused to myself. Talking about all this now is too little too late for me. I don't want to pick at old wounds I have been trying so hard to heal.

I'm absolutely dreading it though...

Mammo mia here I go again

It's been a few months since I posted, but as it is summer it means one thing...Mammogram.

I had it a couple of weeks ago and have been nervously waiting for the results since then. I try to kid myself and everyone I know that it's just routine, it's nothing, test results - what test results?? But underneath this calm exterior is a real worrier. Wondering what every glance means in the waiting room. Did the radiographer just look at me in a sympathetic way then?? Has she seen something when she quickly checked the film? Have they sent me to this room (where I was diagnosed) because that is the bad news room?? Cancer really does mess with your head!

So, when I saw the envelope on the doormat I felt sick. I can recognise an NHS letter at 20 paces now you know! You can't imagine the relief that flooded through me when I saw the words:

"there are no radiological features to cause any concern"

Phew!

Work situation continues to be a complete nightmare sadly - but I am going to try to enjoy this nice feeling of relief for a couple of days at least!

Another trip on the emotional rollercoaster

Here I am again.  Which sadly means I am at a dip, not a peak on my rollercoaster.  One day I hope to come on here and post when life is treating me well, but for now I only seem to come here when I need to offload...

A quick recap on the nightmare at work.  I got bullied, my managers tried to deal with it informally.  This didn't work - staff involved didn't like being told off so turned the whole thing completely on it's head in August and submitted a formal complaint against me, and my managers. They accused us of the very behaviour they had displayed against me. It really was very surreal, and extremely stressful. I ended up having to move myself into another section for a while as I couldn't face sitting with these people any longer. I got through it though, and the result was as I would have expected - me and my managers had done absolutely nothing wrong. Yet again it came out that some of my team had been intimidatory towards me. The result of THEIR complaint was they were to be split up and moved to other, identical, teams in the organisation so I wouldn't have to work with them any more. That was in mid November...

They've all been off work since then - and have been protesting, and making all kinds of demands. Meanwhile those of us who have remained at work have, tentatively, built up good working relationships again. However, now they are approaching half pay (and their gps seemed to have wised up to their protest!) their tactics have changed and I've found out today they might be coming back in a couple of weeks. But to the same office as me. Seems my employer has no backbone and they are now going to sweep it all under the carpet, as if it never happened.

In the meantime, I've already made a lot of sacrifices. I sat in another office while the investigation went on so felt very displaced at work, and I've recently negotiated a temporary reduction in my hours as a reasonable adjustment under the DDA (this situation really has taken a toll on my health). 

Onto health matters, I've now had it confirmed my cancer treatment has put me through early menopause (I'm in my thirties, so it's definitely early!) and I'm struggling a bit getting my head round that.  I've actually had to take a couple of days off work this week, because I've been feeling really under the weather physically and emotionally. Not sure if I've picked up a virus, I'm just completely run down or my body is protesting at the change from Tamoxifen to Aromasin. I just feel terrible and want to sleep all the time.

So, basically I'm just feeling sorry for myself and needed to write it down somewhere. This seemed like the place to do it. Maybe now I have offloaded I will be able to consider my options now, cos I don't really know what I'm going to do next 

Back to the hospital...

I've been to the hospital today for another dose of the delightful sounding zoledronic acid.  While I was there I had a blood test to find out if I am now post menopausal. I'm 36, and my periods stopped when I had treatment in 2005/06 - never to return. My Onc now wants me to change from Tamoxifen to Aromasin, so has tested me today to check my menopausal status...

I don't know how I feel about this really. Part of me is glad - the less estrogen produced in my body the better, and I can't say I miss having periods! But, now it is going to be confirmed that cancer has left me infertile (I don't have any kids) I feel very sad. Ok, I've never rushed to start a family but I always thought that was a choice I could still make for many years to come.

Gosh - things just keep coming along on this long and winding road don't they!?! I'm not even sure if I am asking a question here, or just sounding off... Thanks for listening anyway!

Where has the last month gone?

Well, the results were out last month.  All the complaints against me were not upheld.  I knew they couldn't be, but I was still very worried.  I have lost a lot of faith in a lot of people this year so wasn't really sure which way it would go to be honest.

The outcome also found 3 of the 8 people have displayed intimidating behaviour towards me.  Great - some back up and support for me  to put an end to all this you would think.  Erm no - they have all (all 8) been off sick since the results came out and are appealing against the decision.  It seems they weren't advised it could turn round on them.  The fact their complaints weren't upheld, yet they were actually found to be in the wrong seems to have been a bitter pill to swallow...  My caring employer has yet again done nothing to support me, despite the fact it has now been proven I have been bullied.  They have even been asking me for ideas on how to get the 8 back to work!?! 

So, another month and still no end to all this rubbish.  However, I am trying to put as much of it as I can behind me for a couple of weeks so I can enjoy Christmas with the people I care about. 

Feedback time...

Yes, it's still ongoing.  This is now month 10.

Apparently, I will be getting "feedback" tomorrow from the investigation.  Slightly worrying because my statement hasn't been agreed yet.  It took the investigating officers over 6 weeks to send it to me and I have never seen such a poorly written document in my life!  They suggested I changed it (great - doing their job as well now!), then at half 4 today told me they don't agree with my amended version.  Hmm, now there was I thinking it was a statement of what I said??  How the "feedback" has been prepared without my statement is beyond me.  I hope to be enlightened tomorrow...

Call me pessimistic, but I don't have very high hopes for a satisfactory conclusion.   At all.