Time to give up?

I've come to a decision. On Monday I will not be returning to work. I can't continue. I give up and I am admitting the stress has got too much. Despite my bosses best efforts, nothing is changing. There is a group of people who should be very ashamed of themselves for the way they have made me feel these last few months. I don't know if they ever will, but I'm not hanging around to find out. These bad people are going to walk into work on Monday and discover they don't have a manager for a while...

It's the weekend!

Thank goodness for Bank Holidays! A whole 3 days away from work.

Bad Apples

Another hard day, with more discussions about me. Very hard to deal with, even when you know you have done nothing wrong.

To be positive (yes, I still have a bit of optimism!) I've been pleasantly surprised by a couple of people. One person, who has done nothing wrong, or bad towards me apologised cos she felt so bad to know I was upset. Those few words meant such a lot to me today. Another has proved that she isn't as involved and is no way as vindictive as I'd started to think. So it seems I still have some forgiveness in me!

The rest - well, I can't say the same for them. One is, in my opinion, pure evil - rotten through and through. Like a bad apple she has managed to rot a few more around her. The rotting apple is the one who I think has poisoned the mind of others, causing all the stress and upset. The rotting apple is sly, and gets other bad apples to do her dirty work. Other bad apples don't seem to have the brains they were born with to realise how they are being used. Maybe one day they will?

So, nearly another week over - yet still the situation goes on. But I've waited 4 months to get to this point, so what's another week??

Ouch - what a day

Today my bosses started to talk to the people who have been involved in making my life hell for the last few months. So, am I skipping around punching the air in glee because I am glad that they are being taken to task over it? In a a word - no. In reality I've been sat at my desk, knowing I am the hot topic of conversation (both in meetings and by e mail in the office!) and knowing that I'm being discussed in a harsh way by some. All this because I withdrew a little while I was struggling a bit emotionally. Talk about feeling like you've been kicked when you are down.

I'm cross with myself for allowing this to get to me so much. I'm cross that the way it is making me feel is wasting my precious life (life that quite frankly I truly believed 3 years ago was going to be cut very short). I'm not asking for people to treat me differently because I had cancer - far from it. I don't wear it like a badge, quite the opposite in fact. I try, as far as is possible, to put it to the back of my mind and to live a "normal" life despite the daily reminders when I see myself in a mirror, take a tablet every day. BUT, all I want is for other people to give me a little consideration now and again. To understand that sometimes, just now and again I struggle a little emotionally. And that if I withdraw a little it's not because of something they have or haven't done. It's just I need some time for me while I jump over the next little hurdle that life throws at me.

I'm approaching anniversaries again too. I think that is making me feel a bit worse. It's a very mixed bag of feelings. On the one hand I feel glad, and dare I say it lucky that I'm still here and am not in as bad a position as many other people who have been much less fortunate than myself. But there is still the part of me that wonders what is round the next corner, and if my luck is going to run out at some point. Maybe when all the other crap is sorted out I will be able to concentrate on the first set of feelings...

Where did it go wrong?

Here I am again, which can mean only one thing... yes I need to offload again!

Where do I start?? Well, as you can see from the last couple of postings I made things weren't going too well. I was feeling quite down and life was a bit of a struggle. And it hasn't got any better. Somehow, just because I was quiet and reservced (and not like me at all) I have ended up being the victim of bullying and harassment in the workplace. That sounds quite strong when you write it down doesn't it? Sadly it's true.

I've been forced to do a lot of reflecting over the last week - and have had to open up some very painful wounds. This all started because a so-called friend at work forced me to open up and bare my soul - I told her some VERY personal and VERY painful things. Things I was happy to keep in my head, or at least on this blog. Things I don't like to talk about out loud. Things about my illness and the sometimes devastating effect it has had on my emotions and my outlook on life. All this to try and explain how the "problems" surrounding me were just that - my problems. Nothing to do with anyone else. I wasn't mad or upset with anyone. It was just me having a bit of a hard time living a life after cancer, yet I was doing this quietly and privately so was a bit withdrawn.

So - I open up, unwillingly and unusually, in the hope I can show that I don't have any issues with this so called friend. Just to try and explain what it is like to be me, an insight into my feelings and emotions. What I got back was quite frankly quite sinister, and there were some very nasty comments. The worst thing is, this hasn't just been from this one so called friend. She has enlisted the back up of a group of other colleagues who have made it impossible for me to function properly at work. I'm invisible to them now, and am excluded.

It's now affecting my whole life, I don't sleep well, don't eat well and spend far too much time, time that is precious to me, feeling down and moaning about it to my real friends. I don't like feeling so glum - I want to live life to the full, enjoy every precious minute. Yet every work day is so hard, and very draining for me. It's also incredibly stressful.

And as this is at work, I have now had to open up these wounds to others. People who do care and want to help me, but who I wouldn't necessarily share quite so much of my personal information with. I don't like to talk about my illness etc, I want to move on from it. I don't want to talk about it full stop! Yet I feel like I've been dragged back, and I'm hurting about it again. A lot.

When I had counselling last year, I had a big problem with opening up - always have done. That's one of the reasons I started to write this blog. I could do it anonymously here, I find it very therapeutic. This so called friend knew this, yet when she left me no option other than to open up, and say what was on my mind she turned it all around and fired back with all guns blazing. The reason for this is still a mystery to me. I did nothing but retreat a little while I got my head together.

So, where do I go from here? Do I let them "win" and leave? Do I care that the job I used to enjoy and have done for many years is now the cause of a lot of stress, anxiety and upset? Will I ever trust any of them again? Or do I grit my teeth and battle on in the hope that one day, some day it will all pass and they will turn their attention elsewhere? Will they ever realise what they have done, or how they have made me feel? Will they even care if they do?

I guess I will have to wait just a bit longer and wait for the situation to be dealt with by my bosses. The time has come to stand up to these bullies. That is not a nice feeling at all :(

Overreacting?

I've had a funny couple of months, a time where I have begun to wonder if I am now a different person to the one I was before cancer.

The thing is, before cancer I was quite a happy-go-lucky type of girl. I was having fun, and enjoying a pretty carefree life. I worked hard, and then played hard too. Life was good.

Then along came the cancer diagnosis, the treatment, hospitals etc and I was forced to take a huge step away from my normal life. No work, and very little play. In the meantime the world kept spinning, but maybe I got left behind a bit? Friends moved on, had families, got divorced, started families etc. I was just the poor sod who had cancer, who was being so "brave"...

So - treatment ends and I try to go back to normal. I found this very difficult after a year out! This took me by surprise to be honest. Surely I should have been feeling great?? Seems that isn't quite how it works! But, another year on I am still wondering what the hell has happened to the old me. I think I have lost her forever, and I am probably still in mourning over that. The new me is much more emotional, and I "overreact" (not my words) now. Hmm. I think the truth is I just react now. I was so content before cancer, things didn't phase me, I brushed them off. I can't do that now. The world seems to be a very different place to me now.

Like I say, a funny few months where I seem to be moving further away from some friends who can't "get" the new me. I can't blame them I suppose, I don't get me either sometimes.

Long time no post...

I haven't felt the need to post here for a long time. I suppose I have been enjoying life away from cancerland. Unfortunately I find myself there again... No - it's not a dreaded recurrance or anything. It's just taking up too much of my headspace just now. I need to offload so here I am, offloading.

First up, I am forced to think about cancer again as I am back at the hospital this week. Tomorrow I will be prodded and poked. I hate being prodded and poked. How undignified it is to have to show a complete stranger your mutilated body. Sounds dramatic?? Well, sadly it's the truth. My body is mutilated. I have one boob, and a very unsightly scar at the other side. Not nice. But the doctors need to check me, so I must lose all pride and show all again tomorrow.

Then I have the fun of sitting there while some poor sod tries to find a vein to put the drugs into. This gets harder each time, and I seem to be dreading it more and more as time goes by. That's not right is it? Surely I should be getting used to it by now! Hey ho.

As for emotions. All over the place at the mo. I have friends in dire situations and other friends who don't get how that affects me. It's difficult for everyone I suppose, but hard as I try to move away from cancerland it's always there in the back of my mind. I don't have the luxury of being able to pretend it wasn't part of my life. It IS part of my life, even a few years on.

So, that's me at the moment. All a bit mixed up really. Hopefully now I have put it in words I can move on again.