Not something I would like to repeat...

I couldn't even face writing about it last week... It was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life (and one of the longest!). Really really horrible to have to sit there and listen to people say horrible things about you, right in front of you. Not just "you upset me because blah blah blah", but really really nasty comments. The lowest, nastiest comment being "I've had people in my family DIE from cancer, but I really don't care what happens to you now".

All this because I was quieter than normal. Yes, I committed the ultimate crime of becoming a little withdrawn. This is now known by some as "using your illness".

I tried to maintain my dignity throughout - but found it hard to hold back my emotions all day and did have to have a cry in the toilet between each session. I hate crying in public, in fact I hate crying full stop. Especially over this. It shouldn't be so important.

Who would ever have thought people could be so cruel? It's been an eye opener has all this. Even the impartial mediator texted me the day after to check I was ok. She also suggested I get some support. Not sure where from though!! I don't seem to be able to get any anywhere!

I wish I could get away from this horrible situation. Please let the recession end and let me find somewhere decent to work!

Mediation

Tomorrow I have between 6 and 8 hours of mediation to endure.

Sounds negative? Sadly that's how I feel. The "situation" at work as I now refer to it has been going on for 20 months now. My days there are definitely numbered now. A girl can only take so much but the damn recession is making it difficult for me to go onto pastures new...

So, tomorrow I have to sit and listen to 4 bullies sit and have yet another go at me. Before I even get there I know they feel I have received "special" treatment at work because I had cancer. Yes, that is what they think. The only reason they have been found to be bullies is because I had cancer. No-one would have believed it otherwise! Who knew a tumour could have so much power!! Strangely I was under the impression it was their behaviour that got them the bully label, not my dodgy cells!

I have to endure this bile all day tomorrow. Good job I have faced worse in my life. I intend to remain dignified, calm and hope to keep the hurt they have caused to myself. Talking about all this now is too little too late for me. I don't want to pick at old wounds I have been trying so hard to heal.

I'm absolutely dreading it though...