Today my bosses started to talk to the people who have been involved in making my life hell for the last few months. So, am I skipping around punching the air in glee because I am glad that they are being taken to task over it? In a a word - no. In reality I've been sat at my desk, knowing I am the hot topic of conversation (both in meetings and by e mail in the office!) and knowing that I'm being discussed in a harsh way by some. All this because I withdrew a little while I was struggling a bit emotionally. Talk about feeling like you've been kicked when you are down.
I'm cross with myself for allowing this to get to me so much. I'm cross that the way it is making me feel is wasting my precious life (life that quite frankly I truly believed 3 years ago was going to be cut very short). I'm not asking for people to treat me differently because I had cancer - far from it. I don't wear it like a badge, quite the opposite in fact. I try, as far as is possible, to put it to the back of my mind and to live a "normal" life despite the daily reminders when I see myself in a mirror, take a tablet every day. BUT, all I want is for other people to give me a little consideration now and again. To understand that sometimes, just now and again I struggle a little emotionally. And that if I withdraw a little it's not because of something they have or haven't done. It's just I need some time for me while I jump over the next little hurdle that life throws at me.
I'm approaching anniversaries again too. I think that is making me feel a bit worse. It's a very mixed bag of feelings. On the one hand I feel glad, and dare I say it lucky that I'm still here and am not in as bad a position as many other people who have been much less fortunate than myself. But there is still the part of me that wonders what is round the next corner, and if my luck is going to run out at some point. Maybe when all the other crap is sorted out I will be able to concentrate on the first set of feelings...
Wednesday 30 April 2008
Saturday 26 April 2008
Where did it go wrong?
Here I am again, which can mean only one thing... yes I need to offload again!
Where do I start?? Well, as you can see from the last couple of postings I made things weren't going too well. I was feeling quite down and life was a bit of a struggle. And it hasn't got any better. Somehow, just because I was quiet and reservced (and not like me at all) I have ended up being the victim of bullying and harassment in the workplace. That sounds quite strong when you write it down doesn't it? Sadly it's true.
I've been forced to do a lot of reflecting over the last week - and have had to open up some very painful wounds. This all started because a so-called friend at work forced me to open up and bare my soul - I told her some VERY personal and VERY painful things. Things I was happy to keep in my head, or at least on this blog. Things I don't like to talk about out loud. Things about my illness and the sometimes devastating effect it has had on my emotions and my outlook on life. All this to try and explain how the "problems" surrounding me were just that - my problems. Nothing to do with anyone else. I wasn't mad or upset with anyone. It was just me having a bit of a hard time living a life after cancer, yet I was doing this quietly and privately so was a bit withdrawn.
So - I open up, unwillingly and unusually, in the hope I can show that I don't have any issues with this so called friend. Just to try and explain what it is like to be me, an insight into my feelings and emotions. What I got back was quite frankly quite sinister, and there were some very nasty comments. The worst thing is, this hasn't just been from this one so called friend. She has enlisted the back up of a group of other colleagues who have made it impossible for me to function properly at work. I'm invisible to them now, and am excluded.
It's now affecting my whole life, I don't sleep well, don't eat well and spend far too much time, time that is precious to me, feeling down and moaning about it to my real friends. I don't like feeling so glum - I want to live life to the full, enjoy every precious minute. Yet every work day is so hard, and very draining for me. It's also incredibly stressful.
And as this is at work, I have now had to open up these wounds to others. People who do care and want to help me, but who I wouldn't necessarily share quite so much of my personal information with. I don't like to talk about my illness etc, I want to move on from it. I don't want to talk about it full stop! Yet I feel like I've been dragged back, and I'm hurting about it again. A lot.
When I had counselling last year, I had a big problem with opening up - always have done. That's one of the reasons I started to write this blog. I could do it anonymously here, I find it very therapeutic. This so called friend knew this, yet when she left me no option other than to open up, and say what was on my mind she turned it all around and fired back with all guns blazing. The reason for this is still a mystery to me. I did nothing but retreat a little while I got my head together.
So, where do I go from here? Do I let them "win" and leave? Do I care that the job I used to enjoy and have done for many years is now the cause of a lot of stress, anxiety and upset? Will I ever trust any of them again? Or do I grit my teeth and battle on in the hope that one day, some day it will all pass and they will turn their attention elsewhere? Will they ever realise what they have done, or how they have made me feel? Will they even care if they do?
I guess I will have to wait just a bit longer and wait for the situation to be dealt with by my bosses. The time has come to stand up to these bullies. That is not a nice feeling at all :(
Where do I start?? Well, as you can see from the last couple of postings I made things weren't going too well. I was feeling quite down and life was a bit of a struggle. And it hasn't got any better. Somehow, just because I was quiet and reservced (and not like me at all) I have ended up being the victim of bullying and harassment in the workplace. That sounds quite strong when you write it down doesn't it? Sadly it's true.
I've been forced to do a lot of reflecting over the last week - and have had to open up some very painful wounds. This all started because a so-called friend at work forced me to open up and bare my soul - I told her some VERY personal and VERY painful things. Things I was happy to keep in my head, or at least on this blog. Things I don't like to talk about out loud. Things about my illness and the sometimes devastating effect it has had on my emotions and my outlook on life. All this to try and explain how the "problems" surrounding me were just that - my problems. Nothing to do with anyone else. I wasn't mad or upset with anyone. It was just me having a bit of a hard time living a life after cancer, yet I was doing this quietly and privately so was a bit withdrawn.
So - I open up, unwillingly and unusually, in the hope I can show that I don't have any issues with this so called friend. Just to try and explain what it is like to be me, an insight into my feelings and emotions. What I got back was quite frankly quite sinister, and there were some very nasty comments. The worst thing is, this hasn't just been from this one so called friend. She has enlisted the back up of a group of other colleagues who have made it impossible for me to function properly at work. I'm invisible to them now, and am excluded.
It's now affecting my whole life, I don't sleep well, don't eat well and spend far too much time, time that is precious to me, feeling down and moaning about it to my real friends. I don't like feeling so glum - I want to live life to the full, enjoy every precious minute. Yet every work day is so hard, and very draining for me. It's also incredibly stressful.
And as this is at work, I have now had to open up these wounds to others. People who do care and want to help me, but who I wouldn't necessarily share quite so much of my personal information with. I don't like to talk about my illness etc, I want to move on from it. I don't want to talk about it full stop! Yet I feel like I've been dragged back, and I'm hurting about it again. A lot.
When I had counselling last year, I had a big problem with opening up - always have done. That's one of the reasons I started to write this blog. I could do it anonymously here, I find it very therapeutic. This so called friend knew this, yet when she left me no option other than to open up, and say what was on my mind she turned it all around and fired back with all guns blazing. The reason for this is still a mystery to me. I did nothing but retreat a little while I got my head together.
So, where do I go from here? Do I let them "win" and leave? Do I care that the job I used to enjoy and have done for many years is now the cause of a lot of stress, anxiety and upset? Will I ever trust any of them again? Or do I grit my teeth and battle on in the hope that one day, some day it will all pass and they will turn their attention elsewhere? Will they ever realise what they have done, or how they have made me feel? Will they even care if they do?
I guess I will have to wait just a bit longer and wait for the situation to be dealt with by my bosses. The time has come to stand up to these bullies. That is not a nice feeling at all :(
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