Where has the last month gone?

Well, the results were out last month.  All the complaints against me were not upheld.  I knew they couldn't be, but I was still very worried.  I have lost a lot of faith in a lot of people this year so wasn't really sure which way it would go to be honest.

The outcome also found 3 of the 8 people have displayed intimidating behaviour towards me.  Great - some back up and support for me  to put an end to all this you would think.  Erm no - they have all (all 8) been off sick since the results came out and are appealing against the decision.  It seems they weren't advised it could turn round on them.  The fact their complaints weren't upheld, yet they were actually found to be in the wrong seems to have been a bitter pill to swallow...  My caring employer has yet again done nothing to support me, despite the fact it has now been proven I have been bullied.  They have even been asking me for ideas on how to get the 8 back to work!?! 

So, another month and still no end to all this rubbish.  However, I am trying to put as much of it as I can behind me for a couple of weeks so I can enjoy Christmas with the people I care about. 

Feedback time...

Yes, it's still ongoing.  This is now month 10.

Apparently, I will be getting "feedback" tomorrow from the investigation.  Slightly worrying because my statement hasn't been agreed yet.  It took the investigating officers over 6 weeks to send it to me and I have never seen such a poorly written document in my life!  They suggested I changed it (great - doing their job as well now!), then at half 4 today told me they don't agree with my amended version.  Hmm, now there was I thinking it was a statement of what I said??  How the "feedback" has been prepared without my statement is beyond me.  I hope to be enlightened tomorrow...

Call me pessimistic, but I don't have very high hopes for a satisfactory conclusion.   At all.

The interview

This is going to be quite a short post, because I am exhausted to be honest.

I had my investigation interview yesterday. It was ok I suppose, but on more than one occasion I got very upset. I guess the word that describes me best at the moment is fragile. All the months of this going on have really taken their toll on me.

I am still unclear how I am a bully, or have harassed or intimidated anyone. The questions asked didn't really give me the answers to that. In fact, some of it was laughable (well, it would be if I wasn't so upset!). One of the complaints against me is that I have laughed when talking to another manager at work. I kid you not - the possible few occasions where I have laughed this year is now being used against me!!

I managed to take a union rep with me to the meeting, and he was disgusted about the interview. He said he will be taking it up with the powers that be. Good for him, I think, but I'm really getting tired of all the battles surrounding this. I feel like a pawn in a game where I don't understand the rules.

*sigh*

Time to have my say?

I've just spent what was supposed to be a relaxing weekend away with my family trying to sort out a union rep who could accompany me to an "investigation Interview" I have been called for tomorrow. I found out at quarter to 6 on Thursday evening that my interview was tomorrow. I was supposed to be going on holiday on Friday afternoon, and was not supposed to be home until late today. I had to cut my holiday short to sort this out. I couldn't get away on Friday, and had to come home earlier than planned today. It's been a nightmare. I found out 20 minutes ago that someone can accompany me.

So, tomorrow I will be getting questioned about me being a bully. I have no idea what the allegations are. Remember it was me who was being bullied by my team, for many months. It seems that the ultimate form of bullying now seems to be submitting a formal complaint against your victim. I think the time has come for me to look for a job elsewhere. It's not doing my health (emotional and physical) any good waiting for this to be resolved.

I feel like I am close to giving in. Let the bullies win, I don't have much strength left to fight this.

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye...

I've had quite an eventful day today. I finally heard from Occupational Health, who in a nutshell said the only advice they could give me was to go off sick. How's that for support?!?

Luckily today I had a Life Coaching appointment. She was fab today, and although it was quite gruelling today and I got very upset she has helped me come up with a plan of action. She too thinks I need to remove myself from the situation at work. However, when I explained I would not be going off sick as I AM NOT ILL! (Sorry, I get sick of having to say that!). I am just unable to tolerate working in a tense and hostile environment. It really is becoming an impossible situation. So, with guidance I have told my employer that as of tomorrow I will be relocating myself into another office. I'll still do my job but will not physically sit in the team while the formal investigation is going on. I can't manage a group of people who won't enter into any dialogue with me, so I may as well sit elsewhere and get on with the parts of my job I can do.

I'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow. It'll be fun packing...

Dipping my toes back into cancerland

I’ve been to the hospital today. Everything seems ok again thankfully. My Oncologist thinks I will be changing my medication next time I go as he is now quite certain I am post menopausal. I’ll be changing onto another drug – Aromasin (exemestane) so will have a whole load of new side effects to discover! From the little I do know, it seems that taking Aromasin after Tamoxifen seems to work well and keep cancer at bay more than Tamoxifen alone so I’m willing to give it a try. I will also have to have a bone scan as Aromasin isn’t too kind on your bones (or hair!). I’m feeling very 50/50 about that. I do have some aches and pains that I put down to Tamoxifen etc – none of them cause me any trouble really or are there all the time. At least if I have another scan I’ll know for certain. Gulp.

Not surprisingly I burst into tears when I saw him. I didn’t really manage to get much out of my mouth to be honest, but he knows I have had time off because of stress and it is still ongoing. Like my GP he asked if I was getting support from work, and said (his words) “This is the last thing you need right now”. I said I had seen Occ. Health and was hoping to see them again soon… (I emailed them again yesterday).

The actual treatment went ok - the nurse got straight into a vein. Hurrah!! That makes a change.

For the first time since I returned to work after my original cancer treatment I didn't go back to work afterwards today. I can't face it when I have this to deal with.

So, I’m done for 6 months now.

No way...

I think this has been the worst week of my life post diagnosis so far. Not only have I been grieving for my friend, the unthinkable has happened at work.

It appears a formal complaint has been lodged at work. Great - about time some people might say. Time to sort it out once and for all. But no - the complaint is AGAINST me. By the very people who have made my life hell for the last 6 months, and whose behaviour resulted in me having time off because of stress. No more undercover bullying from them, oh no. They've gone for the jugular now.

So, despite the fact that I have done NOTHING other than try to do my job, and be a bit subdued while I have been having a few hard times in my private life I am now having to face a formal investigation that will probably take months. I'll have to discuss my private feelings with yet more strangers now, which I find really hard to do. OK I spill all here, but that is different. This blog is like therapy!

Oh, and to top it all off I'm back at the hospital next week. Yes my lovely work colleagues - you know for CANCER treatment. Remember??

I'm struggling to keep my faith in human nature tonight.

*sigh*

Saying goodbye

I chose, for many reasons, not to attend the funeral of my friend today.

However, at 3pm - the time of her funeral - I took myself off to the quietest spot I could find (I work in a city centre) and released a balloon with a note for her tied to it. I cried for her, and the fact that I am angry that cancer has taken her away so young.

Later, there was a shower - really heavy rain, followed by a rainbow. I'll always think of her when I see a rainbow now.

Love ya Dee xxx

Life Coaching - session 3

This week’s session was really good again, although not the Sumo session I was expecting. I think that will be next time (not next week cos she is on holiday). Not as much theory this week, so this shouldn’t take me long to type!

Basically we broke down some of the things that are and will cause me to feel stressed at work. She calls this “Uncovering Stress”. She said we have to break things down because if I just think the problem is work – the whole thing – I might as well give up now and get another job.

So, we went through a few points and broke them up into little headings:

What is the root of my stress

I’ll use one example through all these points – me holding team meetings. The last time I did that was very uncomfortable!

What are my feelings

I feel very anxious and sick.

What behaviour is provoked? (My behaviour – not anyone elses)

I feel uncomfortable and there are awkward silences.

Who is responsible?

They are.

What do I control?

Where people sit and how the meeting will “flow” (back to me taking the mic!).

What am I going to do and when am I going to do it?

Change the way everyone sits. Don’t sit with me at one “side” and all of the team sat as far away as possible. Make people sit closer, in a circle and make sure key people who will offer support are spread around the circle so I have people I can look at in different points in that circle. I’m going to start by sitting at the other “side” to normal – so they can’t all huddle round. I will take that spot, I will have control.

She also said I should use the advice I got from the mediation service – use silence when waiting for responses, ask closed questions etc.

Finally she said I shouldn’t set myself up – I should prepare for the worst, and make sure I tense up all my muscles etc before I start the meeting and then relax when I do start so I at least give the appearance of being relaxed and in control. I should expect there will be a lot of negativity in my direction, and as I am expecting it I won’t act shocked or surprised. I will be in control (I’ll keep repeating that bit to myself - today has been a hard day!!).

So – I am now to use these headings for anything else that crops up, and make sure I come up with some answers to the last point for each of them. Hopefully along with all the other tips she has given me I’ll get there.

End of lesson :)

Life Coaching - session 2

A little late... Here’s an update on last Monday's session – more useful tips coming right up…!

We talked about how the brain works, and how you can train it to work differently (there is a fancy name for this - neuro linguistic programming I think!). It’s all to do with the things in your subconscious mind and how “normally” you can keep a lid on the more negative things. However, when you feel depressed or stressed this becomes more difficult. She said to think of my mind like a large cardboard box (I laughed in my subconscious mind then – my mind does often feel like an empty box!). Inside that box is a tube of toothpaste, the negative thoughts. When things are going well, the toothpaste just rattles around in there. When things are going bad – the box gets crushed and out squirts all the toothpaste.

Still with me? So, onto what happens when the toothpaste is squirting all over the place…

80% of the thoughts you have are down to what you “hear”. Things people say, do, the tone used, body language and your perception of this. You take in the negative things, and as she quite rightly said you don’t lay in bed at night remembering the positive things people said to you that day…! This is how your mind works (especially in Britain, we “like” to be negative). It dismisses the good and dwells on the bad if you let it. This in turn affects your subconscious mind. Vicious circle coming right up… When your subconscious mind is getting overwhelmed with all this negativity it affects your feelings, your body language, behaviour etc and makes you feel depressed. So you take in more of the negative thoughts, and go back to the beginning all over again…

So, now time for some brain training! I had to think of some negative/limiting beliefs I have. I won’t fill up my blog with it all, but here is an example of one of them:

I believe that people don’t like me and I have lost my self confidence (in myself and my abilities). This has come from the situation at work. This has already had negative consequences – stress and time off work. If I don’t do anything to change it, I will lose my sanity and possibly my job as I won’t feel I can continue.

So – time to kick the old grey matter into touch and turn it around. New way to look at it is:

My old belief that people don’t like me is rubbish. I now believe I’m liked and loved by the people who matter to me. The situation at work says everything about them and nothing about me.

Same situation, different outlook/belief.

I’ve got to think these kinds of thought all the time now – to train my brain into reacting in a more positive way. I even have to consciously change my body language to stop any negative beliefs. She said she was taught to put her finger up her nose when she started to think of things in a negative way (!) but thought that was a bit odd. I have a new technique though which I like a lot.

Bit of “science”… currently in my stressed/depressed state I have a motorway to bad thoughts in my mind. It’s the quickest and easiest route so why would my brain go anywhere different? I need to put up a diversion! Apparently it takes about 10,000 attempts to do this! She said that would probably take about a fortnight, cos the mind does a lot of thinking in that time! I think I have clocked up a few hundred already today so maybe I will come off a junction early already!

I think that pretty much sums up this week’s installment. Next week is SUMO. I thought “Oh my god – what will I have to wear!!”. Apparently it stands for Shut Up Move On. I can’t wait for that!

I now really think just by changing the way I react to all this will help find a solution to it all. Make way for the new improved me – fully available in about another 6 weeks but a trial version out now!!

Strange coincidence, or something more?

I rarely wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes it takes me a while to get off to sleep but once I do I'm out for the count. Early on Monday morning I woke up (at about 2:35am). I woke myself up coughing. I was really struggling to catch my breath. So much so I ended up getting up, and had to go downstairs to get myself a drink. This went on for about half an hour... then stopped not long after 3am. Now, I don't believe in god or anything, but I can't help but think it wasn't just a co-incidence that I was up and about that night, at that time. When I got the awful news about my friend and was told she died at 3am I was just stunned. Now I feel more comforted to know I was awake at that time and she wasn't alone in the night...

I can't believe I am even typing this, it just isn't me this sort of thing. It feels really weird...

Breast cancer is a cruel disease

I lost a very good friend of mine today, a girl I never met in person but who I have shared my cancer journey with right from the very start. We went through operations and treatment "together" but sadly her journey took a very different path to mine. She was only 32.

I am really going to miss her. I can't think of any more words to say today.

Sleep well my lovely friend xx

Another appointment...

I had an appointment with my employer's mediation service a couple of days ago so I thought I'd add something about it here...

It was very emotional - that kind of surprised me to be honest. I've had a few really big sobs and gave myself a headache that lasted for 2 days! All in a good cause though, I think I have had a few more realisations which is good.

We talked round the whole situation and how I feel about it now I am back at work. I explained that I felt the atmosphere in the office was still bad, if not worse in some ways due to the ever escalating and spiralling nature of what is happening. We talked about all this in depth, but I won't bore you with the details as I think I have said enough about all that already!!

So, what have I got out of this and where am I going to go from here?

• The more personal/emotional stuff

I think I had already done this, but it was highlighted in this meeting that I am extremely hurt and disappointed that a group of people (some of whom I considered friends) have, in my opinion, behaved in such a bad way towards me resulting in me having to remove myself from work on stress grounds. This was the bit that made me cry the most. I'm severely disappointed in them and, as it isn't behaviour I would display I don't understand them. However - I have now realised I can't do anything about that. I can't change them. This is something for the Life Coach to deal with I think. I need to know how I deal with this, and putting the strong emotional feelings I have to one side. I'll let you know how I get on with this!

I did have another very emotional moment when I asked what I am supposed to do if I have more quiet and subdued moments in the future. After all, this seems to have triggered all the recent events off. I don't think we really got to a conclusion here, we all seemed unable to work that one out properly. I think the upshot of this is I have to lower my morals and standards and sometimes stay at home rather than facing work, even though I feel I am fit for work because the staff don't see it that way. I'll also discuss this with the Life Coach and see if she has any bright ideas on that one.

• Regaining confidence in my role at work

This is what I want to achieve. I want my confidence back, which is still very low. We tried to think of ways I can get control back, and to tip the balance of power in the team back into the correct place. We discussed things I felt anxious about and how I could take back control. Things like:

• Team meetings

This is a situation that was uncomfortable prior to me going off sick, as when I directed questions at people they ignored me (or claimed they didn't realise I was speaking to them...). So they suggested I do the following:

1) Use closed questions - impossible to ignore these as I will be asking for a direct, short answer. 2) Use silence - wait for a response, and wait, and wait. Take control of the silence - don't fill in the blanks. If this goes on too long - ask the question again. Then use silence again. Warn people who are responsive that you will be doing this.
3) Use forced alternative questions - Give options so people have to pick one answer. No option not to respond - you have to choose answer A or answer B.

• Changes in the office

Use this as a possible opportunity to speak to all my staff, individually. Ask people what they do currently etc, even if I already know the answer. Ask for "help" to fill in any blanks - makes people feel like their opinion is valued? The jury is still out on this one to be honest. Iknow I will struggle to speak to some who refuse to even acknowledge my existence...

• Do floor walking

Make my presence felt - so I can check things like internet activity. Can either do this silently, or use it as an opportunity to speak to people individually as I walk round.

• Taking the mic

This is a good example of how to take control back and gain confidence. Think of a comedy club, and how you would hate to sit on the front row. To be in charge means I have that microphone, and the team are sat on the front row. I have the mic, so I have the control. I need to make sure I keep hold of the mic.

• set small goals, make lists

This isn't going to go away and get better quickly, it will take time. So, each week set small challenges. Don't worry if you don't achieve them - just list the other things you did achieve. This doesn't mean you are bad and haven't achieved things - it just means you are bad at writing lists and need some practice!!

I think that is pretty much everything (in a nutshell - it was a 2 hour 15 minute discussion!). It was very useful. I now feel like I need to split myself into 2 - professional me and the real me. I'll bring professional me to work every day - a polite, professional manager but with no personal feelings. If I feel this isn't possible, then maybe I will have to consider whether I am fit for work... Like I say - something for the Life Coach there I think...

Life Coaching - session 1

Firstly, and I think most importantly I really like her. I didn’t “take” to my counsellor as quickly last year – she was an acquired taste! I think it is important that you “get on” with people like this seeing as you are hoping to get a lot of good advice and guidance from them.

Today we started with all the form filling in etc, one of which was a bit of a “How stressed out are you?” questionnaire. I got 23 out of 40. 5 is “normal”. Imagine if I had filled it in a couple of months ago!! I think I would have been off the scale then!

We then had a short discussion about the background to why I was there, which made me cry (again!!). We also discussed things like who I have in my life to support me etc so she knows what’s bugging me and who I can talk to about it.

She said what happens a lot (and I believe this is what has happened to me) is people teeter on the edge of having a complete burn out and then pull themselves away from it, only to get close to the edge again, then pull back, then get close to the edge etc until finally you drop off and completely burn out. I think I have taken a step back from the edge, but as she said today it’s obvious I am still showing signs of stress I will end up teetering again if I don’t do something to change it. The most important thing I think she said here is I can find ways to deal with this, even if the other people don’t change (although she thinks they should of course!).

So, I will be seeing her for 8 weeks and we will find lots of coping strategies for me to deal with it all. I’m really confident that this will work for me, even after just one hour! I’m really up for it to be honest. I’ll do anything to get back to being happy and confident, and not just on the face of it like I am now.

I have homework to do too. A lot of common sense things like:

• Eat 2 bananas a day, or take potassium supplements.

This should help with the constant headaches I seem to be getting. I need to check this out with my docs though – I don’t like to take supplements without finding out their interaction with other drugs/hormones etc. I’ll munch a banana or two in the meantime though if it helps!

• Drink plenty of water (2 litres a day) and keep eating healthily

Obvious really!

• Do some exercise

Pleased to see the swimming over at the caravan site will help here – another reason buying that was is such a good idea!

• Interract with nature

She was quick to point out this didn’t mean tree hugging!! I am just to take notice of my environment, and see all the lovely things there are as I wander about (focus on the positive). That’ll be easy cos I kind of do that already – a throwback from counselling.

• Laugh

Not something I have been doing a lot of! Time to get smiling and watching something funny on tv I think.

• Do kind things for people

She said there has been some research into this, and not only do you make the recipient feel better – it raises your serotonin levels too. I’m sure I won’t find this too difficult. In fact I let quite a few cars out on the drive back...

• Do 3 nice things for myself each week

I like this one a lot That should be easy. Like she said it can be something small like having a long bath, or treating yourself to something nice for lunch (healthy of course!). I am sure I will be able to do this no problem!! I might go shopping again – I could do with a new laptop haha!

So that’s my homework. Just one other thing I have to note down 3 examples of times when I have negative feelings that cause me to feel I am not confident at work. That should be a doddle too! Then we can work on coping strategies to deal with them.

I think that is about it. It all seems to be common sense really, but it already feels good just to turn the focus of my mind onto more positive things. I was already trying to do this, but this will make it much easier I am sure.

Keeping strong

I'm trying to, really I am.

Yesterday was day 2 in the lion's den. I had an almost audible response to my "morning" greeting. Or maybe someone just had wind... One person has still completely refused to even acknowledge my existence. I have purposefully tried to speak to people - delivering letters to them from the printer etc. I'm not really getting anything in response.

Another former "friend" and colleague could not disguise the contempt and disgust he feels towards me as he spoke to me yesterday - although he was trying to be professional (I think!). Shame he hasn't told his face what he was trying to achieve!

But, I was remaining buoyant, upbeat, positive and wasn't going to let it get me down again. I'm wavering today to be honest...

Back into the lion's den

I did it. I went back into work today, with my head held high and a smile on my face. I was so sugar coated I think I might actually make someone puke. Ha!

I was greeted by silence from most of my team, bless them (!). The "bullies" couldn't even look at me, or acknowledge my presence. Difference is now I don't care so they can stick that in their pipe and smoke it as far as I am concerned. A couple of people on the outskirts were a bit terse, but did at least acknowledge me. They'll get over it in time I'm sure.

I also had an appointment with Occpational Health, who are referring me to a Life Coach. That should be interesting if nothing else. I'm very interested to know what advice she can give me on dealing with these people. I see her on Monday...

I've told my manager's and Occy Health that these "bullies" have the next 3 weeks to get their act together, and get over whatever it is they have a problem with (we still don't really know what their problem is!!). Once that time is up, if there is still bad feeling towards me and an atmosphere in the office I will make a formal complaint against the bullies, and HR have already said they are confident this would result in disciplinary action. Enough is enough don't you think?

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...

I met my 3 bosses today, for 3 hours! How time flies when you are having fun!

I was very honest with them, and have told them how I feel about the people in my team, that I have no respect for them etc. However, I did explain that as I have been away from work for so long now, I'm not feeling sad, or stressed about the bad people. Quite frankly I don't care about them at all now, or what they think.

So, I'm off back in tomorrow for an hour or so before my Occupational Health appointment (which I have just had a phone call about - they've got my appointment mixed up. Good start!).

What else? Oh yes - the union rep who is representing the baddies suggested to my bosses that maybe I should move teams when I go back. I DON'T THINK SO MATEY!! My managers were disgusted with this suggestion (they think he is just passing on the main bad person's "demands" - he's new to the role and, in my opinion is making a right mess of things). As they told him, why would they move me - I haven't done anything wrong...? I then, half jokingly said that would look good under the DDA - "employer shifts cancer patient out of the way" which led onto a serious discussion about it. We think I would have a very good case under the DDA against some of my team which would quite probably result in disciplinary action being taken. They saw a weakness in my state of mind (I can't think of a better way to put that) which was ultimately related to me having had cancer and they (in my opinion)victimised/bullied/harrassed me because of it. So, I am going to mention this when I go to Occy Health tomorrow, just so it is recorded somewhere should this not work out and end up as a formal procedure. I'm ok with that. I would never have dreamt of playing the cancer card, it just isn't me. But facts are facts I suppose and it may need to be recorded somewhere if this doesn't go away.

Oh - I also have an appointment with the woman in charge of a mediation service next week - so we can discuss how I can deal with these people I hate (strong word, but true) now. I'm up for that (I once went on a course she ran - she's very good). I do think any help and support I can get to help get me over the very bad taste this has left in my mouth would be very useful.

So - after my meeting, my bosses were off to speak to the team to tell them I was coming back tomorrow. They are going to offer the support of the mediation lady to them as well (no way are we all going together though!!), and are also going to say that if any of them feel they can't cope working in there they will see if they can accomodate them in another team. Ha! I like that bit!! I may end up in an empty room tomorrow...

I asked my bosses to let me know, honestly, how the meeting went. It was 1pm and I haven't heard anything yet... No news is good news isn't it?

By the way, despite all this I'm glad to be going back. I think.

Home Sweet Home?

I've been home, oooo all of 12 hours - here's an update.

• Mammogram results!! (good news part 1)

Letter was waiting in amongst the incredible amount of junk mail that has arrived while I was away. It says

I am pleased to inform you that there are no radiological features to cause any
concern. I hope this information will relieve any anxieties or fears you may
have been feeling

So, I have dodged the bullet yet again this year. Phew!! And for the record it has relieved any anxieties or fears I have been feeling. Well, some of them!

• Holiday (good news part 2)

I got home at about 3am this morning from possibly the best holiday I have ever had. I'd show you some pics but am having a few IT problems today, I don't think my brain has caught up with the rest of me yet. If you haven't ever been - please do try to visit one of the Greek Islands at some point in your life. This time was Santorini, a stunning and beautiful island with possibly some of the best food I have ever eaten. I contemplated checking myself in as cargo on the way home - haha. A completely relaxing fortnight though, as far away from all my troubles as I could possibly get. Wonderful, and a feeling I would like to cling onto for a while longer... Which brings me onto

• Work (not so good news...or is it?)

I had a message to contact my boss when I got home, as I am/was due to go back into work tomorrow. I told them before I went on leave I wouldn't be getting another sick note. I don't want to feel like a skiver any more (the 2 weeks in Santorini has been leave - not sick, I would have felt a fraud). I am not ill, it's my workplace that has the problem. Anyway, I digress...

My boss was, as ever, very lovely when I spoke to her this morning. She said she doesn't want me spoiling the effects of my holiday and is giving me the rest of this week off (gardening leave?). She also has a few days off and does not want me to return to work with no support there. Next Tuesday I am starting my phased return, by meeting my 2 bosses for a coffee to discuss what's going to happen when I go back... That could be interesting! On Wednesday I have a meeting with an Occupational Health Adviser and after that if all goes to plan I will go into work for a few hours. Gulp.

So - that's me I guess. I will try and make the most of the rest of my extended time off and may have to visit my caravan for a few days... Anyone would think I was allergic to staying in my own bed!

Friday 13th

Well, it's almost over... phew!

I'm not a fan of Friday 13th, not since I was diagnosed with breast cancer on one anyhow! But to try and break from superstition I went ahead with my routine mammogram today. Just got the 3 week wait for the dreaded results now... If you are reading this, please cross your fingers for me!

I've been speaking to my boss at work today too. Things seem to be spiralling out of control there. I don't know how I am going to face going back there in a few weeks. I'm going to try not to think about that until my return is more imminent. I felt really upset about it all again earlier today but hopefully now I've got it out of my system again I can put it back in a box for a while.

I probably won't be on here much for the next couple of weeks, as I will be sunning myself in Greece. I didn't realise when I booked it just how much I would need this holiday right now!!

Bump

That's the sound I make when I come back down to earth.

I met up with a friend from work yesterday. I'm not too sure of all the details yet but it seems the situation at work has escalated (yes even more!!). My big boss was going to HR again yesterday afternoon to speak to them about making it all formal. I think she has felt quite a lot of the backlash the last week or so, and the spotlight seems to have gone onto her now. So it looks like there will be some kind of formal process I'll have to be a part of. All the feelings I have managed to shake off these last few weeks will get raised to the surface again. Great.

I despair really. I feel pretty stuck now because I don't feel ill and the doc has signed me as fit for work next week. I won't be there for another couple of weeks cos I will be on holiday (I booked it a while ago), but then what? I dread walking back into the now even more escalated situation, but don't like being off work either because of it. I don't really know what to do or say now.

Argh.

No need for words really

I've just spent a few days here. Bliss.

Life just got a little bit better

I am not going to moan or whinge today. Honestly. I have something nice to talk about for a change.

I bought a caravan a couple of weeks ago... like you do (!) and I've just found out this evening that it has arrived!! So, I'm off for a couple of sneaky unexpected days over near the coast in the morning.

Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Woooooooooooohhhhhhhhhoooooooo!

Just got to find my bucket and spade now...

Like a bad penny...

...the situation at work just isn't going away. It seems some of the delightful people I work with aren't happy that they have been told off and have gone to the union to complain about how it has been handled. I've seen the document that has been read and given to them, and I know I am biased, but it seemed ok to me. It was also done with the guidance of HR too. I just hope it gets sorted, and fast! I need to get back to work (I plan to go back at the beginning of July...)

I can't believe how this has escalated, and all from nothing. Pathetic really when you think about the bigger things in life.

But, it's sunny today so all is not lost :)

Gulp...

It's that time of year again.

I've just received my mammogram appointment letter. It's on Friday 13th June. Now, I'm not superstitious really but as I was diagnosed on a Friday 13th I can't help but feel a bit nervous about the date. Plus, I'm going to have to go away on holiday waiting for results now. Dammit. That happened last year and I was recalled...

Right - time to get a mantra I think "this will not phase me, this will not phase me....". I guess I could phone and ask for another appointment - but I won't. It's just a date...

Another sick note

I spoke to my gp again today, and he has signed me off for just another couple of weeks. I gave him a quick update on what has happened since I last saw him (only work things, I missed out all the retail therapy!!). My sick note takes me right up to a holiday I already have booked. Both me and my gp hope I will be able to go away, have a lovely time then return to work... Let's hope that all goes to plan then!! I really do want to get back sooner rather than later. I don't like being off sick. This is only the 2nd time in my whole life I have had a sick note - and the other time was because of cancer so I don't do things by halves do I?!?

I had a lovely chat with my boss today too, and I know I have her full support which helps a lot. She agrees it is right that I don't go back too soon, and she thinks more time is needed for the bullies and their hangers on to take their heads from up their backsides and hopefully start to see the error of their ways. Or at least pretend to! Ok, she didn't quite put it that way, but you get the picture!

So I'm really trying to turn this into something "positive" (I hate that word!) and use the time wisely to catch up on all the things I don't get round to enough when I am busy working. The car has had a wash (probably the only one it will get for a while!) and today I am trying to conquer the backlog of housework. I'm far from a domestic goddess but am going to see if I can turn into one for a while. Well, as soon as I move away from here of course!

I got a lovely bunch of flowers delivered today. What a lovely surprise they were. Sadly not from a secret admirer, but it's the thought that counts ;)

Another week goes by...

... and I haven't heard anything else from work so not much to say about that really. I did hear some "gossip" via a friend. It seems a couple of people in my team (not the bullies) have been quite upset for me. That means quite a lot knowing I have some support, but not enough to make me feel like I can return yet. I'll have to see what my gp says on Friday when I speak to him again I guess.

Other news - I have really gone and done it with the shopping now! I went away for the bank holiday weekend and ended up buying a static caravan! It should be delivered to the site in the next couple of weeks and then I will be able to get away whenever the mood takes me. How nice to be able to get away from everything and get some nice fresh sea air whenever I feel like it. A big expense really, but you're a long time dead...

Where do I go from here?

Been out and about today (shopping but not one penny spent - if you don't count lunch!), and came home to 5 messages on my answering machine from my big boss so thought I'd better call back...

She and my immediate line manager went to see HR yesterday. The HR adviser agreed the behaviour was definitely bordering on harassment and/or bullying. She said they were there most of the afternoon discussing it. Anyway, the outcome is my big boss has spoken to the whole team and has read a statement to them explaining how serious it is, and that if anything should happen again there will be no option other than to take formal proceedings (grievance, disciplinary etc). She also explained the effect it has had on me, and that I am off sick as a result of their collective behaviour. I think she pointed out that those of them who knew something was going on but did nothing to stop it were also in the wrong. She will be issuing them all with a copy of her "statement".

Big boss said it was met with stony silence... She asked me how I feel now. I said I don't know. I said yes, if they now take it on board fine but what if they don't? She said it wouldn't be tolerated again, and would go straight into a more formal route. She said she was still upset that I was sick because of this, but thinks a bit of space is the right thing to have just now, while the dust settles a bit.

She is going to send me a copy of it, so I can have a read of it myself. Oh, and I am getting referred to Occupational Health now - probably for counselling.

I don't know how I feel about it now. I don't know what I expected to happen, but I just think words are very easy and how the hell do I walk back into the office now pretending it's all over? I really hate these people now (strong emotion I know, but how I feel), and how am I going to get over that? I think I need a bit longer to lick my wounds...

How much?!?

Yes, I've been spending more money today. This really is going to have to stop... but it is really good fun!

Today was a necessity. As I expected, I need new glasses. I've gone from perfect vision to wearing reading specs, to now needing "general" specs. All within the last 18 months. My optician says I should really be having an eye test every year, because of the medication I'm on (Tamoxifen). Apparently it can affect your eyes. Great!

But, I have got a really funky pair of sunglasses on order now. Every cloud...

Today I found my get up and go again too. Thank goodness for that!! Luckily this meant I had a relatively cheap afternoon, I didn't open my purse again once. I thought I'd better make good use of this time off and did a bit of gardening. I am now covered in bits of privet bush, and smell of lavender - maybe I could start a new trend?

As if I don't have enough to cope with

The title of this post is dedicated to some very kind comments I have received on this blog from a stranger in cyber world. Comments that have really brightened up my day. Funny how a stranger who stumbles across my ramblings on here can feel empathy towards me (or should that be for me?), yet people who know me well can't allow me the same...

I am now officially called "sick note" by my best friend (no-one else would get away with that!) as my GP has signed me off for 2 weeks. Both he and I hope something will happen in that 2 weeks that may allow me to go back to work again. I don't know what this something will be - answers on a postcard please... However, I do know that at 2pm tomorrow I will be the hot topic of conversation in the HR department. Hmm, not too sure how that is making me feel to be honest. The bullies are still lying and I don't see how HR will change that but hey - what more have I got to lose?

So - how am I filling my time? I have never understood people who think they would be bored if they didn't go to work. To be honest, I feel like I have spent a week trying to catch up with myself. All this has been very draining, and I don't seem to be getting very good quality sleep just now. In fact I had a bizarre dream, well nightmare the other night in which I was running around, but getting nowhere. Seems even in my sleep I want to run away from it all!! Anyway, as always when the chips are down I have been spending money - too much money probably but hey, what the hell!!

Anniversaries etc

Yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis. 3 whole years... And what a 3 years it has been! In all honesty though, yesterday just felt like any other date. It's nothing special, and certainly isn't anything to celebrate. It's a date I just wish I could forget completely. Maybe next year...

As for the work situation, that's very much in the forefront of my mind. I am trying not to give it too much headspace, after all surely the reason I am off work is to allow myself a break from it?? But it's still there, rattling around my head.

Off to the docs tomorrow to see whether they will sign me off for a bit longer. Hopefully that will give work some time to sort the whole sorry situation out.

I can't cope with the stress any more...

I phoned in sick today (which was a farce to be honest, and took me HOURS!). Anyway, the deed is done and I have said it out loud "I can't cope with the pressure, I'm stressed". Never thought I would say that, but do you know what? I feel better now I have come to this decision, and have removed myself from the ugly situation I have been facing every work day. It feels like already I have got some power back. I can concentrate on me now, on making myself strong again.

Sod the lot of 'em!

Time to give up?

I've come to a decision. On Monday I will not be returning to work. I can't continue. I give up and I am admitting the stress has got too much. Despite my bosses best efforts, nothing is changing. There is a group of people who should be very ashamed of themselves for the way they have made me feel these last few months. I don't know if they ever will, but I'm not hanging around to find out. These bad people are going to walk into work on Monday and discover they don't have a manager for a while...

It's the weekend!

Thank goodness for Bank Holidays! A whole 3 days away from work.

Bad Apples

Another hard day, with more discussions about me. Very hard to deal with, even when you know you have done nothing wrong.

To be positive (yes, I still have a bit of optimism!) I've been pleasantly surprised by a couple of people. One person, who has done nothing wrong, or bad towards me apologised cos she felt so bad to know I was upset. Those few words meant such a lot to me today. Another has proved that she isn't as involved and is no way as vindictive as I'd started to think. So it seems I still have some forgiveness in me!

The rest - well, I can't say the same for them. One is, in my opinion, pure evil - rotten through and through. Like a bad apple she has managed to rot a few more around her. The rotting apple is the one who I think has poisoned the mind of others, causing all the stress and upset. The rotting apple is sly, and gets other bad apples to do her dirty work. Other bad apples don't seem to have the brains they were born with to realise how they are being used. Maybe one day they will?

So, nearly another week over - yet still the situation goes on. But I've waited 4 months to get to this point, so what's another week??

Ouch - what a day

Today my bosses started to talk to the people who have been involved in making my life hell for the last few months. So, am I skipping around punching the air in glee because I am glad that they are being taken to task over it? In a a word - no. In reality I've been sat at my desk, knowing I am the hot topic of conversation (both in meetings and by e mail in the office!) and knowing that I'm being discussed in a harsh way by some. All this because I withdrew a little while I was struggling a bit emotionally. Talk about feeling like you've been kicked when you are down.

I'm cross with myself for allowing this to get to me so much. I'm cross that the way it is making me feel is wasting my precious life (life that quite frankly I truly believed 3 years ago was going to be cut very short). I'm not asking for people to treat me differently because I had cancer - far from it. I don't wear it like a badge, quite the opposite in fact. I try, as far as is possible, to put it to the back of my mind and to live a "normal" life despite the daily reminders when I see myself in a mirror, take a tablet every day. BUT, all I want is for other people to give me a little consideration now and again. To understand that sometimes, just now and again I struggle a little emotionally. And that if I withdraw a little it's not because of something they have or haven't done. It's just I need some time for me while I jump over the next little hurdle that life throws at me.

I'm approaching anniversaries again too. I think that is making me feel a bit worse. It's a very mixed bag of feelings. On the one hand I feel glad, and dare I say it lucky that I'm still here and am not in as bad a position as many other people who have been much less fortunate than myself. But there is still the part of me that wonders what is round the next corner, and if my luck is going to run out at some point. Maybe when all the other crap is sorted out I will be able to concentrate on the first set of feelings...

Where did it go wrong?

Here I am again, which can mean only one thing... yes I need to offload again!

Where do I start?? Well, as you can see from the last couple of postings I made things weren't going too well. I was feeling quite down and life was a bit of a struggle. And it hasn't got any better. Somehow, just because I was quiet and reservced (and not like me at all) I have ended up being the victim of bullying and harassment in the workplace. That sounds quite strong when you write it down doesn't it? Sadly it's true.

I've been forced to do a lot of reflecting over the last week - and have had to open up some very painful wounds. This all started because a so-called friend at work forced me to open up and bare my soul - I told her some VERY personal and VERY painful things. Things I was happy to keep in my head, or at least on this blog. Things I don't like to talk about out loud. Things about my illness and the sometimes devastating effect it has had on my emotions and my outlook on life. All this to try and explain how the "problems" surrounding me were just that - my problems. Nothing to do with anyone else. I wasn't mad or upset with anyone. It was just me having a bit of a hard time living a life after cancer, yet I was doing this quietly and privately so was a bit withdrawn.

So - I open up, unwillingly and unusually, in the hope I can show that I don't have any issues with this so called friend. Just to try and explain what it is like to be me, an insight into my feelings and emotions. What I got back was quite frankly quite sinister, and there were some very nasty comments. The worst thing is, this hasn't just been from this one so called friend. She has enlisted the back up of a group of other colleagues who have made it impossible for me to function properly at work. I'm invisible to them now, and am excluded.

It's now affecting my whole life, I don't sleep well, don't eat well and spend far too much time, time that is precious to me, feeling down and moaning about it to my real friends. I don't like feeling so glum - I want to live life to the full, enjoy every precious minute. Yet every work day is so hard, and very draining for me. It's also incredibly stressful.

And as this is at work, I have now had to open up these wounds to others. People who do care and want to help me, but who I wouldn't necessarily share quite so much of my personal information with. I don't like to talk about my illness etc, I want to move on from it. I don't want to talk about it full stop! Yet I feel like I've been dragged back, and I'm hurting about it again. A lot.

When I had counselling last year, I had a big problem with opening up - always have done. That's one of the reasons I started to write this blog. I could do it anonymously here, I find it very therapeutic. This so called friend knew this, yet when she left me no option other than to open up, and say what was on my mind she turned it all around and fired back with all guns blazing. The reason for this is still a mystery to me. I did nothing but retreat a little while I got my head together.

So, where do I go from here? Do I let them "win" and leave? Do I care that the job I used to enjoy and have done for many years is now the cause of a lot of stress, anxiety and upset? Will I ever trust any of them again? Or do I grit my teeth and battle on in the hope that one day, some day it will all pass and they will turn their attention elsewhere? Will they ever realise what they have done, or how they have made me feel? Will they even care if they do?

I guess I will have to wait just a bit longer and wait for the situation to be dealt with by my bosses. The time has come to stand up to these bullies. That is not a nice feeling at all :(

Overreacting?

I've had a funny couple of months, a time where I have begun to wonder if I am now a different person to the one I was before cancer.

The thing is, before cancer I was quite a happy-go-lucky type of girl. I was having fun, and enjoying a pretty carefree life. I worked hard, and then played hard too. Life was good.

Then along came the cancer diagnosis, the treatment, hospitals etc and I was forced to take a huge step away from my normal life. No work, and very little play. In the meantime the world kept spinning, but maybe I got left behind a bit? Friends moved on, had families, got divorced, started families etc. I was just the poor sod who had cancer, who was being so "brave"...

So - treatment ends and I try to go back to normal. I found this very difficult after a year out! This took me by surprise to be honest. Surely I should have been feeling great?? Seems that isn't quite how it works! But, another year on I am still wondering what the hell has happened to the old me. I think I have lost her forever, and I am probably still in mourning over that. The new me is much more emotional, and I "overreact" (not my words) now. Hmm. I think the truth is I just react now. I was so content before cancer, things didn't phase me, I brushed them off. I can't do that now. The world seems to be a very different place to me now.

Like I say, a funny few months where I seem to be moving further away from some friends who can't "get" the new me. I can't blame them I suppose, I don't get me either sometimes.

Long time no post...

I haven't felt the need to post here for a long time. I suppose I have been enjoying life away from cancerland. Unfortunately I find myself there again... No - it's not a dreaded recurrance or anything. It's just taking up too much of my headspace just now. I need to offload so here I am, offloading.

First up, I am forced to think about cancer again as I am back at the hospital this week. Tomorrow I will be prodded and poked. I hate being prodded and poked. How undignified it is to have to show a complete stranger your mutilated body. Sounds dramatic?? Well, sadly it's the truth. My body is mutilated. I have one boob, and a very unsightly scar at the other side. Not nice. But the doctors need to check me, so I must lose all pride and show all again tomorrow.

Then I have the fun of sitting there while some poor sod tries to find a vein to put the drugs into. This gets harder each time, and I seem to be dreading it more and more as time goes by. That's not right is it? Surely I should be getting used to it by now! Hey ho.

As for emotions. All over the place at the mo. I have friends in dire situations and other friends who don't get how that affects me. It's difficult for everyone I suppose, but hard as I try to move away from cancerland it's always there in the back of my mind. I don't have the luxury of being able to pretend it wasn't part of my life. It IS part of my life, even a few years on.

So, that's me at the moment. All a bit mixed up really. Hopefully now I have put it in words I can move on again.