Needles and bruises

Just a quick update to let you know I had another treatment (zoledronic acid) up at the hospital this week. Saw a new Oncologist, who was very pleasant but couldn't find half of my notes, hadn't filled in my chart properly and was struggling with his English. Can't say I had much faith in him really. I was going to ask about my teeth/jaw as I have been suffering with a bit of dental pain recently - nothing too bad but my teeth seem to have gone quite sensitive recently and one of the side effects of the drug I'm having is osteonecrosis of the jaw (where the blood supply to your bone is lost which causes the bone to die - nice!). Anyhow, I decided I'll ask my dentist when I go next month instead!! He is the expert on teeth after all and knows all about my medical history. Maybe I'll ask him for an x-ray...

So, all that took an hour and a bit (I was in with the doc for all of 5 minutes)! Then I went off to the chemo suite and waited some more. Finally got in and had a different nurse doing my treatment (a bloke - and very nice he was too!! I do like to try and find something good about going there!). It took him over half an hour to get the cannula in. We were all ready to go with it stuck half way up my arm, but then the pesky thing stopped flowing. So few more attempts and then finally got it stuck in my thumb - ouch! More bruises...

So that's it for 3 months again now. Next appointment is on 7 November. That will be my penultimate 3 monthly one I think (this was number 12), so will soon be onto 6 monthly trips (I think it changes after number 14). Maybe my veins will like the break...

Reading between the lines

Not posted anything on here for a while, which is good cos that means I have been far away fom cancer land. Had a brief return there this week though when I finally received my letter confirming the results of my mammogram and ultrasound. It says:

I am very pleased to see that your repeat mammogram and ultrasound scan of the left breast on 5.7.07 has shown no cause for concern.

You should continue to receive appointments for a mammogram each May until 2022, all being well, on our surveillance programme.

Now, call me picky but was it really necessary to put those 3 words "all being well" in there?? I fully intend on still being here in 2022, but I don't need reminding that my future is uncertain...

Little known side effect of breast cancer, the ability to read between the lines!

I've been to the hospital today...

...… and to save you skim reading to find the important bits - EVERYTHING IS OK.

However it was a really horrible stressful morning. Look up these words in a dictionary:

Fear
Upset
Relief

and you will see my face next to them. Talk about rollercoasters…

Anyhow, the reason I had been recalled from my last mammogram was cos there was an "area of concern" on the one I had a few weeks ago. There was as well, even I could see it! Cue fear setting in… They wanted to do another one to see if it was just a bit of overlapping tissue. Got squished again, then she started drawing lines on me (now I feel really sick) and goes off to have a look at the films. Then she says I have to go for an ultrasound, and as she takes me there she puts her hand on my shoulder and says "good luck". WTF!?!? Why do I need good luck???

So onto the ultrasound, he took AGES doing it and kept going back to the same bit. I'm starting to get into a bit of a state now, thinking the worst. He asks me if I have felt any lumps or anything, I haven't and I'm thinking WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME??? Argh. The he starts being all nice to me, trying to make me laugh and my paranoia is saying he's softening the blow, he's gonna hit me with it in a minute. I am now smearing the goo he put on me to do the ultrasound all over the place - up my arm, even onto my face. I can't even wipe stuff off me properly by this point!! (honestly, if it wasn't so traumatic it would be funny!). He then tells me to take a seat, I think I have stopped breathing by this point and he says "Everything is ok…" and I don't hear any other words cos I just burst into tears! I'm now covered in goo, crying (and probably got snot bubbles coming out of my nose!). I'm apologising, and he says "don't worry, it's nice" ?! (he was a bit of alright actually, not your typical doctor type, a bit rough and ready with a scouse accent - every cloud…). Finally I composed myself and he actually explained it all to me - that basically these things happen, blah blah blah and he can't assure me it won't happen again next time. I then get into narky mode, and ask why they couldn't have done all this 3 weeks ago, why did I have to get the scary letters, sleepless nights etc. He then explains all their daft systems to me, I start to lose interest and just want to get out of there FAST.

So, that's another trauma out of the way. I have spent most of the rest of the day with a drink in my hand. I think I deserved a couple!!

Back to earth with a bump...

Got home from Portugal today (had a lovely holiday!) and had a letter waiting for me... It says:

"The radiologist is not quite happy with the pictures. I think that it is just because of the position of the breast, and I shall ask them to send for you again in order to make sure that there is nothing else requiring investigation

I hope that we will then be able to reassure you that all is well."

Shit!

Back to the hospital this Thursday...

Ouch

I had my mammogram today. Not a pleasant experience! If you have never had one - just imagine having your boob squashed in a vice and you will have a pretty good idea of what it is like! Ouchy ouchy ouch.

I have to confess to feeling a bit wobbly today. I decided to go on the bus (avoid the car park!) but that didn't work cos I still had to walk through it. Durr!! I felt sick as I walked into the hospital, I don't have good memories of that place. I feel I need to explain a bit here... the hospital where I go for my mammos is a different one to where I had my ops and treatment, but it's the one where I was diagnosed. So I have only been back there twice since diagnosis and it just feels so, erm...horrible there.

The mammo itself was ok I suppose, I get the results "sometime in the next 3 weeks", so back to the waiting game again. I don't mean this in a cruel way, but people I know who haven't had cancer don't really get what waiting for results feel like for me. I try and explain to friends how I feel, but they don't get it really. They mean well when they say the things they do but I just don't think they understand the turmoil I go through. I guess having a friend affected by cancer when you are still pretty young is hard though...

I digress...back to today. I had to strip off to the waist and then sit in a waiting room in a lovely hospital gown. This is a horrible experience when you only have one boob. I felt really self conscious. By now I am feeling quite emotional too. The radio was on, and Daniel Powter - "Bad Day" came on. How apt! Managed not to cry in public though, so was quite pleased about that!

Then I got called through and the radiographer was really lovely, a really bubbly person and she put me at ease. Well as much as possible! What a strange job that must be, squashing people's boobs all day!

Back into the waiting room then, while they check the films (to make sure they have got a good enough "picture"). Must have been ok cos I was then told I could go.

So, I am now going to dread the arrival of the NHS envelope for the next 3 weeks... Is it possible to keep everything crossed for 3 weeks I wonder?

Just when you thought it was safe to look at the post...

...another reminder of cancer pops through the letterbox.

On Thursday I received my appointment for my annual mammogram. The appointment was when I will be on holiday (13 days to go!!) so I had to phone up to change it. I got a cancellation, for this Wednesday...the 13th...

I felt sick when I put the phone down. I mean, I should be glad - get it out of the way and all that. But it did make me feel physically sick. I doubt I will get my results for a few weeks, so its back to the waiting game again.

Oh, and it means I have to go back to the place where all this started. Even the car park there makes me feel queasy...

Argh!

Race For Life

Two of my friends did the Race For Life today, with my name on their vests. I'm so proud of them, but couldn't face going to watch them. Does that make me selfish?? No, I don't think it does. I just need a lot of space between me and cancer at the moment. I really feel like I just need a break from it.

They've raised lots of money for cancer research though - so well done to them!

Having said that,now it's June I'm hitting anniversaries again... On Tuesday it will be 2 years since my first op (an unsuccessful lumpectomy). 2 whole years. Wow!

I'm going on holiday again!

I have booked another holiday!! I'm off to this villa:



It's near Albufeira, in Portugal and I go in 27 days time!!! I'm so excited. I've even managed to sort out some travel insurance that isn't costing me a fortune. It's a small fraction of the amount I had to pay last time.

Ain't life grand?

Another chapter over.

I've had my final counselling session today. I thought it would be, although now I know it has finished I feel a bit odd, and a bit emotional really...

We started off reviewing the last couple of weeks. I'd been quite down when I ended up with that bug last week. It hit me on the anniversary of my diagnosis so I was quite upset about that (cos I felt so crap anyway), and in all honesty the fact I managed 11 months but not quite 12 months without any sickness really annoyed me (that's me being harsh on myself again!). Plus, there was an article in the local paper about the fashion show that mentioned that 4 of the women have died since last year (I knew that already), that I read when I felt awful anyway... But, I managed to pick myself back up when I stopped feeling so ill (and when I could talk again - 2 days with no voice is not good for me!!) rather than dwelling on it for ages.

So, today was all about closure and how far I have come. We've chatted about all the things I was struggling with, and all the things I have overcome. We've also chatted about where I am at now, the person I think I am now (I'm not half as hard on myself as I was!), and where I see myself going. We have come up with some ideas/suggestions to keep me on the straight and narrow and, perhaps more importantly for me how I can recognise the signs if I start to go downhill again (like when everyone and everything starts to piss me off!!, or when I stop answering the phone, make excuses not to socialise etc).

We also discussed all the resources I have around me to make sure I feel supported in the future (including her - I had to promise I'd go back if things go wrong!). And, we also went over my own transformation over the last however long it has been, and how I am now living very much in the present and not the past like I was, and how my attitude to my illness and the affect it had on my life has changed. I'm almost there with the looking into the future thing (well, I've almost booked another holiday and that is as good as it gets for now).

So, that's it! Well, that's this bit over with anyway... I'm going to keep writing my blog cos that seems to help (she really likes the idea of that).

Happy Anniversary to me...

It was two years ago today that I received the terrible diagnosis that would change my life forever. On Friday 13 May 2005 at the age of 33 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

A day I will never ever forget, but as time goes by a day I hope to think about less and less...

Feeling ropey

Hmm... Just when things were looking up I feel really ropey. I've been feeling a bit dodgy since I had the infusion of zoledronic acid on Wednesday. My head has been a bit odd, yesterday I felt sick and today I feel all fluey and have the mother of all sore throats. Not good.

So, after being back at work for 11 months I am off sick again, and let me tell you I am a bit peeved about that. I wanted to get back to my previous clean sickness record. I know it can't be helped but I just feel like I have fallen at the final hurdle. Another few weeks and I would have notched up a full 12 sickie free months. Hey ho.

Felt a bit sorry for myself last night too. Mostly cos I feel crap, and a little bit cos this is the Friday I was diagnosed 2 years ago (it's my "proper" anniversary on the 13th). I thought this particular milestone was going to slip by a little bit unnoticed this year but I seem to have stumbled onto it again...

I have at least one good vein :)

Yes, yes, yes!! I was at the hospital today for another infusion of zoledronic acid and the lovely chemo nurse got the cannula in first time!!!! I can't tell you how good that feels. No bruises or anything this time. Fab!!

Also saw the Oncologist who after a really good prod and poke said everything is still ok. Thank god for that!!

So, no more hospital until August and I think I only have another 3 or 4 quarterly appointments to go to then it's 6 monthly ones! Imagine a whole 6 months without a hospital appointment...

I can see your true colours...

Well, I've had a brief return into cancer world today cos I've been back to see my counsellor and have been for blood tests (my arm looks like a junkies!). I haven't seen my counsellor for quite a while (about 6 weeks?), not since before I went on holiday. I had thought about phoning up and cancelling, but I'm one of those people who likes to see something through so thought I should go up one last time just to tie up any loose ends etc...

So, we had a bit of a catch up and review today. Really good to do this, cos I knew I felt different and I knew I was more like the old me but actually having the chance to talk about it all has made me realise just how different I feel at the moment.

More than one person has commented that I seem different (including people who know nothing about my counselling etc). One friend of my mums said to her after a party the other week "She's back", cos I was my usual happy self, having a laugh (and kicking off with the management when things went wrong - hee hee!). She said I'd had a smile painted on before. Funny how some people can see right through you isn't it? My counsellor said she could tell I was different, not only by what I was saying and the fact I had a different hairdo, but my body language, the sparkle in my eyes etc.

We chatted about all the things I have overcome recently, all the hurdles I have had to get over culminating in the holiday I had completely dreaded (which was great once I got there!). Putting them all in one conversation really made me think how worthwhile going to see her has been. God knows what I'd be like now if I'd tried to carry on, struggling through. Funny thing is, now I look back I realise just how depressed I was. Even when I admitted I needed to see someone I don't think I realised how bad I was. Been a real eye opener has all this!

So - where do I go from here? I'm feeling more like the old me, but I still feel different. Not the damaged, sad me but a different, more contented me. I'm not quite as mardy these days anyway (well I don't think I am!!), and can cope better with other people. She has picked up on the fact I now have different boundaries, and I have changed some of my relationships (you definitely figure out who your real friends are when things go wrong!). But, do I really know how to carry on coping? I think yes but then again I have a sneaky suspicion that if things started to go wrong again I would climb back into my hole again. Still not keen on the asking for help thing. We also discussed a few other things to do with my future, and how I feel about them. Bit unsure on some of that...(but don't feel too bad either).

Plus, May/June is a big time for anniversaries for me. That sort of thing has come along and knocked me sideways before. I feel like I am ok with it all this time (I don't hate May for having 2 bank Holidays anymore, it's back to being party month!!) but she seems to think I shouldn't pack in my counselling until I am sure I am ok to be left to my own devices. So, we have reached a compromise that I won't go back again for a fortnight (although I am pencilled in for next Tuesday - just incase), where we will look at a few ways for me to keep on coping, and possible situations that could come up and knock me off track. Also, who knows after a game of hunt the vein tomorrow I might need a bit of therapy!

One final thing - if you ever get 5 mins Google Cyndi Lauper's "True Colours" lyrics. We've decided that is my song now (a throwback to the painting session I had) - cos at bl**din last I'm getting there!! :)

Bank Holiday

It's the Bank Holiday weekend, and true to form it has just started to rain. I'm off to a barbeque later as well... Great.

I'm still feeling pretty good, and life is busy. I've had a new hairdo (I LOVE getting my hair done now), I would never have had my hair cut short before but since I've been bald any hair seems long!

I don't like to give cancer much headspace at the moment. Then, now and again I worry that I am getting complacent and have a little panic that I am going to jinx myself by trying to lead a normal life. It's like I am having to dare myself to live. But hey, what is life without risks?

Just as I am stepping away from cancer land, I have an appointment at the hospital this week as part of the trial I am taking part in. So, here's hoping my veins want to play along this time cos playing hunt the vein isn't much fun these days :(

Me 1 Cancer 0

I haven't felt the need to write much recently. In fact, cancer hasn't really featured much in my life recently. It's like a switch has been flicked in my head and I'm back to acting and thinking like the old me.

Had a really good chat with a colleague at work the other day, and it made me realise just how depressed I have been over the last few months. I didn't realise it at the time but looking back I was very down. I guess it's understandable after all I have been through the last couple of years, even I can admit to struggling a bit now which is not easy believe me!!

So, all is good in my world at the moment. Long may it continue!!

She's back

Last night I was at a party, with a lot of my friends and family. I had a really good time.

I saw a friend of my mum's today, and she said she watched me dancing around having fun last night and thought to herself "She's back".

I hope this is a sign of things to come. I really haven't felt like cancer girl as much these last few weeks. Does this mean I am finally moving on from it? Or is something going to come along and rock my boat again? I hate how this disease has changed me from an optimist to a pessimist...

2 years on...

2 years ago today I went to see my gp about a lump in my right breast... What a horrible scary time that was and one that I don't want to dwell on just now because I actually feel quite good at the moment.

Back to reality

Well, I am back and I really did have a great time. Not only was it a trip to another country, it was well and truly a break from cancer world. I can honestly say that for the first time in 2 years I didn't think about breast cancer much. Apart from a few problems getting my swimming boob dry, I felt just like any other person away enjoying their holiday with their family.

It really was just what I needed. I don't even begrudge the extortionate amount I had to pay for insurance now, it was worth every penny.

Birthdays and holidays

It was my birthday yesterday. That's another year gone by... Hopefully I still have plenty more to come!

I'm off on holiday tonight, with my family to this lovely villa.

It's the first time abroad since I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago. In a lot of ways I have been dreading this holiday, and have had a lot of hurdles to overcome to get to this point. I have almost feared letting myself look forward to it. I do have this strange superstition about things like that now. Anyway, now the case is packed (hope I haven't forgotten anything!) I think I am almost giddy about it.

So, here goes - another step back into the real world...

Billy No Mates

Neither of my swimming buddies can go tonight, so I'm not going either. I can't decide if this is cos I am lazy or if I am actually quite scared of going on my own. It's one thing going into a public swimming pool with a false boob with friends, but on my own...

So, I think I have answered myself there. I'm scared.

I thought I had sussed this, but perhaps not :(

Session number eight...

I'm not quite as buoyant (hyper?) as I was last week. Not feeling particularly bad, and when you take into account all the additional stress I am under this week (off on holiday this Sunday so I'm busy at work, have got all my packing to do and a wedding to go to first!).

So, discussed where I'm at (we always start off with that). I am feeling happier, I don't spend as much time moping around, feeling depressed (not having any spare time helps!!) and I don't feel like I am dwelling on the past as much as I was. In fact, I started this blog over the weekend and have put bits from these e mails and the diaries I've been keeping since December 2005 on here. Kind of like emptying my head out, and hoping that it will help me move on. Plus it is a place I can come to empty any other thoughts I have in the future...

Just the future to sort out then! I still have a problem with that, and although I don't feel I am just "existing" any more I am still living very much for the moment and daren't look into the future. This isn't necessarily a problem, but it is for me cos I don't like the fact I am scared to plan things in advance. So, we did a lot of What If...? things. Like:

What if I die young, what would I want to do with my life?

What if I live to a ripe old age, what would I want to do with my life?

Do I want to live my life like it is short? if I do, what do I want to do? Then, if I live for a long time I will at least look back and be happy about all the things I did. if I die young, I won't regret wasting my life. Great ideas, but trust me it's easier said than done...and quite painful really.

It appears I am a bit weird about my birthday too (it's later this week). I really do want it to pass by quite unnoticed, and despite everyone nagging me I have managed to get away without sorting any kind of "celebration" out. This is linked to me not wanting to plan, and my "superstition" about booking anything nice (also missed out on some concert tickets this weekend cos of me dithering about them). Oh, and it being a bit of a weird time of year for me too (2 years ago I had just discovered the lump...)

Bit of homework for me... I'm going to bite the bullet and organise a piss up/weekend away with some of my friends to celebrate my (belated) birthday. But, I'm not to beat myself up about it if I don't do it... She did say that she thinks this is actually a massive thing to get my head round, but maybe doing something nice, not too far in the future might help me along the way. I can already feel the excuses building up in my mind though!

So, not all bad but still room for improvement and I am still going to go back to see her after my (and her) holidays. This means I won't see her until May 8th! She wasn't too happy about this, and has made me promise to phone the centre to see someone else if I have a crisis. I however think it will be good for me to "fly solo" for a while and see how I get on. I know I am much better than I was, but as they say the proof is in the pudding...

Session number seven...

Well, today was a weird one! I definitely thought it was going to be my last one today, cos in all honesty I'm bored of talking about me now and really think I have made some changes recently...

So, we started off with me being a bit giggly (too much choc-o-milk this morning!). I was feeling very buoyant though, and after a "guess the baby" competition at work this morning where I laughed like I haven't for the last couple of years. I was on a bit of a high, and dare I say it felt quite like the old me (i.e. daft!). Maybe it was the after effects of the stress management course I'd been on this morning too (or maybe not!!). I did say though, that perhaps the fact I had been out of the office all morning had made a difference (I do feel myself plummet on a Tuesday when I get back to work after my 3 days away). Plus, I think I am starting to feel a bit end of termy, seeing as I go on holiday soon and it is my birthday next week. I even picked a yellow cup this morning (a throwback to my drawing last week!).

We then discussed all the things I feel good about, like:

1) Swimming
2) Reading (I have read half a book in a week, first time in 2 years!)
3) Managing to get into work early today (sounds like nothing, but another hurdle for me!).
4) Laughing, proper laughing, not just going through the motions stuff.

So, so far so good. But, in the midst of me waffling on she yet again picked up on a couple of things:

1) I won't plan things in advance
2) I won't ask for help, yet I'm happy to help everyone else.

The planning in advance thing is hard... It's my fear of the future that holds me back here (and I can't get the association of book holiday = diagnosed with cancer = cancel holiday thing out of my brain). I won't plan anything more than a few weeks in advance, I just can't look that far into the future. So, that means no social events, no home improvements, no holidays etc etc until the last minute (which then means I am flying round last minute - more stress!). Mixed in with this is the fear of spending money, hard to get it out of your head once you've ended up on no pay. So I'm hoarding my savings again, just incase... So, she thinks I need to start planning little, unimportant things say a month in the future, then 6 weeks etc etc, then move onto bigger more important things.

The asking for help thing is hard to deal with, cos I don't really know why I'm like I am, it's just how I always have been (at least as far as I can remember). I've always been very independent, and good at helping other people out but don't want to ask for anything in return. She keeps touching on this subject, but we don't ever come up with an answer. I think she thinks there is something I'm not telling her, but I don't think there is (or I don't know what it is anyway!). It's the same as the why do I find it hard to talk about my feelings thing. I just do.
So, I'm off up again next week. Cos although I feel loads better, and have sorted quite a lot of things out in my life I still have problems with the future (I'm still stood at a crossroads and don't know where I'm going!). Oh dear...

Swimming is good though, did 30 lengths last night.

Good news or not?

Went swimming last night, and did 28 lengths. I think I was quicker than last week too so quite pleased about all that.

Oh, but my mums friend who went to the hospital with a lump last week went back to the hospital today. Results of the biopsy were inconclusive, so she has to go back in another 3 months... More waiting...

Waiting sucks.

Session number six...

I've been to see my counsellor again this afternoon. Not as emotional as last week, but still had lots to discuss! I even had a go at drawing (!), more about that later...

I've been feeling quite flat/deflated over the last week. Problem is I can't put my finger on exactly why, but I know when I start blubbing while watching Fame Academy something isn't right!! This lead to a discussion about how I can let my emotions out (in private) to try and stop them just seeping out now and again. So, as music seems to trigger off some emotion I'm going to try and put a weepy one on (like Coldplay - Fix You, always makes me blub cos it was on the radio when I was having radiotherapy once...), or maybe a manic, stomp your feet one if I just feel pissed off and want a good rant, rave, RARR type thing.

Also, I've been on a hen night this weekend, which was fab and I had a really good time. But, I got all worried about it on Thursday last week when I discovered it might be 3 to a room in the hotel. I'm very comfortable with people who know me, cos they have seen me in my full lopsidedness before but the thought of sharing a room with a stranger...not good! (Although, it doesn't bother me when the leccy man comes to the house and catches me in my pjs - how weird am I?!?). As it turned out, me and a friend had a room for 2 when we got there but yet again it was something I wouldn't have worried about before, in fact I wouldn't have given a toss. On the other hand, the weekend was good - and apart from my friend and the hen, no-one knew about me having cancer so it was really nice to have a laugh with people who just took me as they found me. But, I did find myself feeling really envious of everyone at one point when I started to flag a bit and, well I just didn't feel like I used to. I just wanted to be "normal" like them, so that makes me feel sad when I remember I'm not.

Anyway, onto the drawing. We both feel like we keep going round in circles and although things do keep coming out we don't really have any direction. Cue the pastel crayons... In all honesty, I thought/think it is a load of tosh. But, I thought I'd give it a go. It showed I have a whole load of emotions/rubbish piled up and the real/old/new me is buried somewhere underneath. However, the me I let out in public is quite the opposite, "happy" me on the top covering up all the emotions/rubbish piled up underneath. I need to let "real" me win, and come through from the bottom in private to deal with my "issues" but I also need to let other people see that there is more underneath the shiny happy bit I put on show. So, my picture was upside down really. Interestingly, I didn't "draw" cancer in the picture of me though...

Blackpool - Go For It!

I have had such a good weekend in Blackpool. It was a really tacky, cheesy hen night and I loved every minute of it!! There were 22 of us altogether and we had a riot. The afternoon was spent in the pleasure beach (I don't do rides though - too much of a scaredy cat!) and then we split up into groups to try and get loads of silly photos (had to chase a policeman down one street ). All this was inbetween more than a couple of drinks.

Last night we went to Funny Girls which was really good. All the bar staff are in drag, and I am so jealous of some of them. I would KILL for an arse and legs like some of them (and a pair of boobs!) Had a ball in there, it's a really good mixture of cheesy disco and cabaret. Great.

Went to a club later, and then had drinks in the hotel bar I was quite reserved though, some of them were still up at 4:45am!! Mind you, didn't get much sleep - my room was next to a lift...that talked...

I feel like I have really lived this weekend. And the best thing was only a couple of people knew about me having breast cancer, so for the first time in two years I almost felt "normal" again.

Session number five...

Never got round to the painting, but it was quite an emotional one today and I feel quite drained and have a banging head now. We talked about allsorts really, cos I have been feeling quite down again over the last week, mostly down to things going on around me (e.g. met up with a friend last week - her son died in January!, plus my mum's friend was at hospital yesterday having a lump checked out, add that a few other friend's having various problems blah blah blah). All this adds up and makes me feel a bit worn out, with - as usual - no time for myself and how I feel. Don't get me wrong, it's not I that I don't want to hear about anyone elses problems, it's just there are a lot around at the moment and as I'm good at listening to others guess where they call...

Tried to discuss how I feel, and where I fit in with it all. Bit hard that, cos as ever I don't think about myself and my needs. As long as I make sure everyone else is ok... Also discussed how I am a bit of a pressure cooker (her words - but I'm pinching them!) and I'm full and need a massive blowout cos every little (and in my opinion petty!) thing just gets on my nerves and drains me even more, and adds to the pot (but don't get me wrong, I don't dwell on the petty stuff - can't be arsed!). Also discussed that I feel useless (my words this time - she wasn't too keen!) when I feel like I can't/won't cope, or I'm not functioning like I used to - cos I don't do not coping, or emotion, or any of this really. I just want to be shiny, happy old me but as that isn't possible I need to figure out what tarnished, slightly damaged and a bit emotional old me is... Shame I never had a massive desire to do something that I could aim for, but I've always been one of those people who doesn't make plans, things just happen.

So, not surprisingly I'm off up there again this week. Not too sure how I feel about that really cos I feel worse today for going, but I think that's how it's supposed to work...

I went swimming again earlier and did 26 lengths though, which is good.

Mixed day

I've had quite a nice day today, swimming, babies and friends all round but then I spoke to my mum and I completely forgot that her friend (same age as me) was at the hospital today having a lump checked out. She had a mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy. Results next week... I felt sick to the stomach when my mum was telling me about it all. Apparantly the hospital was PACKED. All those poor people...

Swimming again.

Been swimming, did 24 lengths this week. Really chuffed with myself but I am very tired. In a good way though.

Session number four...

Started off really good, cos we had a bit of a review and I have sorted a lot of things out (i.e. been swimming, become more sociable etc). I'm also feeling a lot happier about the impending holiday, now it's closer and I have sorted out the swimming cozzie side (who'd have thought a piece of lycra could be so significant, and going swimming could be such an emotional event!).

However, I had a couple of other issues about the holiday (like do I make sure I don't wander around with one boob? or do I act like I would at home on my own? How do I deal with the inevitable questions from the kids if I don't put my falsie in first thing in a morning, blah blah blah). All easy stuff to chat about, and I'm going to play it all by ear but I feel more prepared now.

But, she has quite rightly pointed out that I let my head "win" and don't allow my emotions out if at all possible. I'm having really mixed emotions at the moment. I feel great when I'm occupied doing things I enjoy (I only stayed in one night last week, was out and about the rest of the time - felt fab, and more like the old me). But, when it comes to normal, mundane day to day stuff (work comes into this category at the moment I'm afraid) I find myself feeling anxious/annoyed/upset (delete as appropriate - but only when I'm on my own!!).

I also said I feel a bit odd at the moment cos this time last year I was in the last week of radiotherapy, so on the one hand I feel elated that it is a year ago and I'm still here but on the other hand I feel worried that now I have had a year without aggressive treatments what is going on now...

Anyway, lots of other things have come out. She thinks there is a link between my dad dying from cancer, and the way I feel at the moment (and I didn't even realise I had mentioned him much!). I think she's right, my close experience of cancer is you have it, you have a lot of treatment, then you die (sorry to be blunt). Plus I am emotionally very like my dad, he didn't do upset either (in fact none of my family do). But, will I give in and let it all out so I can try and deal with it (and the things she doesn't think I have actually dealt with in the past) - will I chuff!

So next week is painting/drawing with my left hand... She knows I think it is a lot of nonsense but she wants to try and beat the strong logical part of my brain into submission to allow the emotional bit to have it's say. Watch this space... (I reckon we'll just find out I am ambidextrous!).

I'm a model...

... well I'm not really!

I've had a phone call from the people I did a fashion show with last year tonight, asking me if I'd do it again this year (it is to raise money for a local cancer charity). I've declined, but feel a bit bad for saying no. I don't think it would be a good idea for me to do it again though, it's a big commitment and in all honesty I found being surrounded by so many people with breast cancer a bit overfacing. Is that bad??

I did it! I did it! I did it!

I am BUZZING. I did 20 lengths and probably won't be able to walk tomorrow but it feels GOOD.

I was soooo worried when I set off and felt VERY self conscious when I stepped out of my cubicle in the changing rooms, but do you know what? No-one even gave me a second glance. I went with a friend and she said it looked good too.

It was easier afterwards having short hair too!! No detangling necessary!!

I actually feel quite emotional. I've leapt over a big hurdle tonight and I'm really chuffed with myself.

Session number three...

Saw counsellor yesterday. In all honesty I was thinking about packing it in when I was on the bus on the way there. After my lovely week last week (had the week off work!) I felt so much better. Anyway, I won't bore you all with details, but let's just say she unlocked a few doors and dug up a few things that we need to work on so I'm going to carry on for a while longer... I am finding it very hard though, I've always dealt with things well (in my opinion) and kept my emotions in check so all this is new for me.

She was very interested to hear how I bare my soul on the internet while I keep a lot hidden from my friends and family...

Now, I am off swimming for the first time since I had my operation. I even have a special boob to wear, called a been-a-boob http://www.janacsportswear.ca/products.htm#bab Hope it does the trick! I'm feeling half nervous, half excited.

I got one!! Well two actually!

Today I went to the mastectomy wear shop. They didn't have anything that would fit me!! The ladies in the shop were lovely, and said they were expecting some new stock in soon that would cater for my size. I left them my phone number so they could call me when these TWO styles arrive - both of which are vile and even my almost 60 year old mum thought were horrible and old fashioned.

So, I'm really pissed off at this point and decide I NEED to spend some money to cheer myself up so I trecked over to a huge M&S and guess what....I GOT TWO COZZIES!! I need to get them pocketed, but other than that they are bloody well perfect for me. Good old M&S. Will phone the specialist shop tomorrow to sort out getting pockets sewn in I think...

Grumpy

Went to bed in a right grump last night. I decided to look at all the websites that do mastectomy swimwear, and found... nothing, nada, zilch! Ended up on page 13 of the results that came when I googled "mastectomy wear", then pretty much gave up. Many sites claim to do bigger sizes, but when you actually start looking it seems I am just TOO fat or my cup size is TOO big, or they have wires in, or the ONE I did find... sold out... *sigh* So gave it up as a bad job and went to bed, feeling very deflated (not enough to fit into a blinkin cozzie though!!). I will not think about this again until I go to that shop next week.

Needles - ouch!

Seen my Oncologist this morning and he is pleased with me. Had a good prod and a poke and my bloods are all fine too. Then I had to go to the chemo suite for a treatment (I'm taking part in a trial - so have zoledronic acid, a bisphosphonate, through a drip once every 3 months). It took over 30 minutes and more than a few attempts to get a vein this time. Ouchy oucy ouch

Session number two...

Today's session went ok I suppose. I'm not in a bad place today, but she still managed to evoke some emotion from me that I didn't realise was lurking there, deep inside. It seems I have real problems with holidays... I'll try explain.

Pre bc I went on lots and lots of holidays every year, usually booked at the last minute and I loved jetting off here there and everywhere. Then, in Jan 2005 I decided it would be a good idea to book something for that summer, early for a change. So I did and all was good. Then, I was diagnosed in May and had to cancel it and ended up starting chemo on the week I should have gone away... Cancelling it was a farce, and of course I was peeved that I couldn't go away. So now, the thought of pre booking anything fills me with dread, cos I worry that something will happen and I have to cancel. I felt "forced" into booking a family holiday to Cyprus last September and I have, deep down, been fretting about it ever since.Plus there is the added complication that the type of holiday I love is a bit difficult now, ie I used to go away and do very little, laze in the sun, read etc... Should keep out of the sun more (rads), can't get suitable swimwear (lopsided, scars etc), struggle to get suitable clothing (too fat - body issues!), don't want to get hot (sensitive skin/prosthesis uncomfortable), can't read (no concentration/now need specs), extortionate insurance (like being fined for having cancer!) . The list goes on....So, my "mission" for the next week or so (am off work for a week next week) is to address the swimwear problem. There is a specialist shop that I have put off going to, cos I really don't know what I will do if I can't find something. Hopefully I will find something, but if I don't I will just need to deal with that at the time....She has also suggested I write a bit of an autobiography, to try and figure out times in my life when I was really happy and see if it helps me get some idea of where I see myself going now. Cos that is a big problem... I don't know what I want out of my lidfe any more, but I do know I'm sick of just existing She says this might help, and I should dig out old photos etc. She did warn me I might find it painful though. I'll give it a go...

At least my blood tests went ok today - I had a good phlebotomist! I am back at the hospital tomorrow for my trial drug. More about that another day..

Session number one...

Well, I've been... I don't know what I think about it to be honest. That about sums me up at the moment, I just don't know anything! I cried a lot, and was very honest with her how I feel but I honestly don't understand how she is going to help me out. She said I am too hard on myself, and it's obvious I have a lot of anger towards the fact I had breast cancer, the fact I had it in my thirties, the effect it has had on my life blah blah blah. I knew all this though, I know I'm pissed off...She also picked up on the fact that I am usually the one who helps other people with their problems, I'm the one who's shoulder people cry on. I don't allow myself to cry on anyone elses, I see that as a weakness (in myself - I don't do face leaking "normally" and I have always dealt with all the shit thrown at me in the past). I said I am a control freak, and she agrees!She thinks I need to figure out who I am post bc, and what I want in life. I do not know the answer to that at the moment so maybe she will be able to help me figure that out.She did mention me screaming and shouting in her office, and that might help. Not me I'm afraid. Oh, and something about using pastel crayons with my left hand, colour therapy or something - to get it all out onto paper. Also not my kind of thing... She'll have me hugging flippin trees next!So, mixed feelings really. I do feel better for admitting I need help and it was good to chat to a stranger about it. But, I'm not sure if she's the best stranger to help me deal with it. We'll see...I have another appointment same time next week...

Hmm... Perhaps I'm not coping...

Went to see my GP this morning. Apparantly I am having a "delayed stress reaction". I bounced through the diagnosis, treatment, returning to work etc then CRASH I hit the floor. I've been struggling for a while now, and am fed up with feeling fed up so have decided to try and get some help. I don't want tablets or anything, but I think I just need someone to talk to so he's trying to sort out some counselling for me. This is all a bit alien for me, I don't "do" emotions.

I know I can't carry on like this though, I feel like I am in a rut and am just existing. I want to live the life of a 34 year old not some poor sod who has had to deal with a life threatening illness...

I just feel like the world is continuing to spin lke normal, but I am out of step with it at the moment.