Back to earth with a bump...

Got home from Portugal today (had a lovely holiday!) and had a letter waiting for me... It says:

"The radiologist is not quite happy with the pictures. I think that it is just because of the position of the breast, and I shall ask them to send for you again in order to make sure that there is nothing else requiring investigation

I hope that we will then be able to reassure you that all is well."

Shit!

Back to the hospital this Thursday...

Ouch

I had my mammogram today. Not a pleasant experience! If you have never had one - just imagine having your boob squashed in a vice and you will have a pretty good idea of what it is like! Ouchy ouchy ouch.

I have to confess to feeling a bit wobbly today. I decided to go on the bus (avoid the car park!) but that didn't work cos I still had to walk through it. Durr!! I felt sick as I walked into the hospital, I don't have good memories of that place. I feel I need to explain a bit here... the hospital where I go for my mammos is a different one to where I had my ops and treatment, but it's the one where I was diagnosed. So I have only been back there twice since diagnosis and it just feels so, erm...horrible there.

The mammo itself was ok I suppose, I get the results "sometime in the next 3 weeks", so back to the waiting game again. I don't mean this in a cruel way, but people I know who haven't had cancer don't really get what waiting for results feel like for me. I try and explain to friends how I feel, but they don't get it really. They mean well when they say the things they do but I just don't think they understand the turmoil I go through. I guess having a friend affected by cancer when you are still pretty young is hard though...

I digress...back to today. I had to strip off to the waist and then sit in a waiting room in a lovely hospital gown. This is a horrible experience when you only have one boob. I felt really self conscious. By now I am feeling quite emotional too. The radio was on, and Daniel Powter - "Bad Day" came on. How apt! Managed not to cry in public though, so was quite pleased about that!

Then I got called through and the radiographer was really lovely, a really bubbly person and she put me at ease. Well as much as possible! What a strange job that must be, squashing people's boobs all day!

Back into the waiting room then, while they check the films (to make sure they have got a good enough "picture"). Must have been ok cos I was then told I could go.

So, I am now going to dread the arrival of the NHS envelope for the next 3 weeks... Is it possible to keep everything crossed for 3 weeks I wonder?

Just when you thought it was safe to look at the post...

...another reminder of cancer pops through the letterbox.

On Thursday I received my appointment for my annual mammogram. The appointment was when I will be on holiday (13 days to go!!) so I had to phone up to change it. I got a cancellation, for this Wednesday...the 13th...

I felt sick when I put the phone down. I mean, I should be glad - get it out of the way and all that. But it did make me feel physically sick. I doubt I will get my results for a few weeks, so its back to the waiting game again.

Oh, and it means I have to go back to the place where all this started. Even the car park there makes me feel queasy...

Argh!

Race For Life

Two of my friends did the Race For Life today, with my name on their vests. I'm so proud of them, but couldn't face going to watch them. Does that make me selfish?? No, I don't think it does. I just need a lot of space between me and cancer at the moment. I really feel like I just need a break from it.

They've raised lots of money for cancer research though - so well done to them!

Having said that,now it's June I'm hitting anniversaries again... On Tuesday it will be 2 years since my first op (an unsuccessful lumpectomy). 2 whole years. Wow!