Doesn't time fly?

Thought I'd pop by, it's been a while hasn't it? All good with me. Cancer wise, all quiet and I've not had any treatment for a year now. My 7th anniversary looms... I'm touching wood, saluting magpies, not walking under ladders and other well known remedies for staying cancer free. If I was to believe everything I read in the media I'd never eat, drink or do anything remotely interesting. Sod that!! I'll whisper the next bit... I'm enjoying my job again. Yes, really!! Who'd have thought!? Good times :)

Hrumph

I don't come here very often now. In fact, I don't even like thinking about it much these days. Life is treating me much better nowadays.

But, another hospital check up looms and look where I come...

God damn roller coaster :(

Happy Cancerversary!

Ok, Cancerversary is not a real word.

Who cares? I've survived for 5 years now (plus 4 days if you are counting). And I'm glad to be here :)

Goodbye Naughties... hello what's it called now?

I'm feeling a bit reflective. So, how were the "Naughties"...

I remember the end of the nineties well, I was full of hope after a period of mourning the death of my father, and the end of a long term relationship I was in. It was party time, and I was living life to the full - along with my best friend who was also recently separated from her soon to be ex husband. Its the time of my life I really started to figure out who I was.

2000 was a good start to the decade. I moved into my new house, I passed my driving test, bought my first car and my first niece was born. What a year! I worked hard, and played hard too. I was discovering a new life as an independent woman, and I was moving into a more "grown up" part of my life - hitting 30 in the early part of the Naughties. Planning, saving, dreaming and wondering where fate would lead me. Life was good for the first half of the decade.

And then into 2005... I had plans for home improvements, I'd been saving for years and had managed to get a promotion at work which had helped my home improvement fund. I had a holiday planned. I was looking forward. Then.... WALLOP... along came cancer. Life as I knew it stopped. Life became illness, and hospitals. Operations and doctors. Needles and chemicals. No hair and burnt skin. Concern and worry. Stress and anguish. No longer was my cup half full, it was almost empty. Dark times.

2006 I was still having treatment, but starting to find hope. I returned to work, and was pleased to be back (for a while!). Then came the aftermath, the bit you don't hear about in the fluffy pink world of breast cancer media. Dealing with the damage to my body from surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Coping with the changes I didn't think about when choices were life or death - like infertility, premature menopause (or not?!?). Then there is the psychological damage, the fears that only crept in once cancer had visited. The feeling of mistrust in my own body. The worries that every ache and pain could be "it" back again. The loss of friends I'd made, and the sadness and fear that brings.

So, the latter part of the Naughties was pretty shocking really. Add the workplace bullying into the mix in late 2007 and early 2008 and the terrible impact that continued to have in my life until very recently I think its fair to say I am glad there's not much of this decade left!

There were a few highlights too - another niece arrived in 2005. Friend's have also had children in the Naughties. I love them all to bits (yet I am also envious that I will probably never have a family of my own). I bought a caravan, by the sea, and spend lots of time there with my extended family. That's priceless and I know I wouldn't have done that before.

So here's to a new decade and new beginnings! I hope the next 10 (tenties??) are good ones.

Ch ch ch changes

After some blood tests earlier this week I received a phone call yesterday from my Oncologist, who among other things confirmed that my ovaries appear to be working! This is a bit of a surprise because all symptoms and test results over the last few years had led them to believe I was post menopausal. I've spent a lot of time getting my head round that - so now I am trying to get my head round the fact it might not be the case after all. I'm now back onto a different type hormone therapy, so my body will have more readjusting to do.

With hindsight I shouldn't have been surprised. My hormone levels were clearly changing. I felt like I wanted to burst into tears in the middle of M&S the week before for no reason (I don't think it was because the dine in for 2 offer wasn't on!). I was very sleepy, and had spots too. In fact, I think I turned back into a teenager for a while!! Argh.

I'm very lucky that my Oncologist is on the ball. Sadly I started out the week with a visit to one of my GPs, who completely fobbed me off and made me feel like I was making a fuss about nothing. He told me to go home and stop worrying!! Now, I may not be medically qualified but the fact that it appeared I wasn't post menopause and I was taking a drug that is only for post menopausal women was worrying me!! Its a good job I'm persistent, as a phone call to the hospital myself confirmed there was reason to worry and I was booked in for an emergency appointment the next day. I think my GP and I may have to have another chat at some point. I'd hate to think he would be so dismissive of someone else in the same position. I've come to expect a lot of dismissive attitudes from a lot of people, as many expect the fluffy, pink, positive version of life after breast cancer. But from a doctor...!!

Looks like this rollercoaster ride is still going strong. Hold on tight!

New beginnings

I hardly dare say this out loud... but work is ok!! Yes, ok! The "situation" ended. It was never dealt with, or any of the behaviour addressed so the legacy lives on BUT the protest was dropped and finally, 3 weeks ago, I got a new team. It's going well too. I've even been called "cool" and "sound" by some of my team. Yes, they meant me. Wow.

The 4 bullies are still working behind the scenes to try and spoil things. They don't have the same power now though. I hope their position continues to weaken as time goes by.

So - despite all the baggage it has left me with - I have made it a turning point in my life and it is the start of a new phase in my life. I'm focusing on all that is good in my life, and am doing all that I can to accept the bad. I've had the most horrendous time both health wise and in my work and personal life but it's time for a new start. I need a new start. I want happiness.

It's amazing what having a purpose does. I like.

The end?

Hmmm...

I had yet another meeting at work today. One of quite a few meetings recently, but I'm bored of being a part of it all never mind typing it up. However, sometimes it's good to get it out of my head and onto "paper", I really do find it therapeutic. So, here's an update.

The mediation report arrived, and was in my opinion flawed and seemed biased. Let's just say the 4 of them did a good job of passing on their opinion as fact. I still struggle to even think about some of the cruel heartless things I had to listen to that day. Anyway - one part of the outcome was that I should move teams as has been demanded, repeatedly, by the 4 people who have been making my life hell for almost 2 years now. I, as ever trying to be the reasonable one, accepted this but very begrudgingly and told HR this was the last time I would be reasonable. I felt if it put an end to it, so be it. I was told this decision was non negotiable...

The 4 then got the outcome (which involved some movement with them as well), and they started to negotiate!! Yet again, they say jump and my employer starts warming up for a high jump! The tail is most definitely wagging the dog! So, I and my 3 managers (who have remained very supportive) put our feet down, hard, and said we rejected this stage and were considering taking further action.

Today I heard back from the union. The whole business is being swept under the carpet now, like it never happened. It will disappear, along with the boss who retires next week. He appears to be the scapegoat now. Convenient. The 4 remain working in other teams away from me, and I can stay in my current job. This is of course great news, I should be pleased. But as the poor behaviour and discriminatory attitudes (which are still displayed to me regularly at work) remains, and isn't dealt with I just don't know how I am going to deal with the future. It's going to be hard.

The union rep summed it up well today. I was ill and the staff didn't know how to deal with that so transferred their inability to cope into anger towards me. I've just got to figure out how I keep working somewhere where people are very open about the fact they wish I'd died now. Harsh, but I have bills that won't pay themselves.

I think I just need time to get my head round this. I'm not sure I truly believe it is over.

Not something I would like to repeat...

I couldn't even face writing about it last week... It was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life (and one of the longest!). Really really horrible to have to sit there and listen to people say horrible things about you, right in front of you. Not just "you upset me because blah blah blah", but really really nasty comments. The lowest, nastiest comment being "I've had people in my family DIE from cancer, but I really don't care what happens to you now".

All this because I was quieter than normal. Yes, I committed the ultimate crime of becoming a little withdrawn. This is now known by some as "using your illness".

I tried to maintain my dignity throughout - but found it hard to hold back my emotions all day and did have to have a cry in the toilet between each session. I hate crying in public, in fact I hate crying full stop. Especially over this. It shouldn't be so important.

Who would ever have thought people could be so cruel? It's been an eye opener has all this. Even the impartial mediator texted me the day after to check I was ok. She also suggested I get some support. Not sure where from though!! I don't seem to be able to get any anywhere!

I wish I could get away from this horrible situation. Please let the recession end and let me find somewhere decent to work!

Mediation

Tomorrow I have between 6 and 8 hours of mediation to endure.

Sounds negative? Sadly that's how I feel. The "situation" at work as I now refer to it has been going on for 20 months now. My days there are definitely numbered now. A girl can only take so much but the damn recession is making it difficult for me to go onto pastures new...

So, tomorrow I have to sit and listen to 4 bullies sit and have yet another go at me. Before I even get there I know they feel I have received "special" treatment at work because I had cancer. Yes, that is what they think. The only reason they have been found to be bullies is because I had cancer. No-one would have believed it otherwise! Who knew a tumour could have so much power!! Strangely I was under the impression it was their behaviour that got them the bully label, not my dodgy cells!

I have to endure this bile all day tomorrow. Good job I have faced worse in my life. I intend to remain dignified, calm and hope to keep the hurt they have caused to myself. Talking about all this now is too little too late for me. I don't want to pick at old wounds I have been trying so hard to heal.

I'm absolutely dreading it though...

Mammo mia here I go again

It's been a few months since I posted, but as it is summer it means one thing...Mammogram.

I had it a couple of weeks ago and have been nervously waiting for the results since then. I try to kid myself and everyone I know that it's just routine, it's nothing, test results - what test results?? But underneath this calm exterior is a real worrier. Wondering what every glance means in the waiting room. Did the radiographer just look at me in a sympathetic way then?? Has she seen something when she quickly checked the film? Have they sent me to this room (where I was diagnosed) because that is the bad news room?? Cancer really does mess with your head!

So, when I saw the envelope on the doormat I felt sick. I can recognise an NHS letter at 20 paces now you know! You can't imagine the relief that flooded through me when I saw the words:

"there are no radiological features to cause any concern"

Phew!

Work situation continues to be a complete nightmare sadly - but I am going to try to enjoy this nice feeling of relief for a couple of days at least!

Another trip on the emotional rollercoaster

Here I am again.  Which sadly means I am at a dip, not a peak on my rollercoaster.  One day I hope to come on here and post when life is treating me well, but for now I only seem to come here when I need to offload...

A quick recap on the nightmare at work.  I got bullied, my managers tried to deal with it informally.  This didn't work - staff involved didn't like being told off so turned the whole thing completely on it's head in August and submitted a formal complaint against me, and my managers. They accused us of the very behaviour they had displayed against me. It really was very surreal, and extremely stressful. I ended up having to move myself into another section for a while as I couldn't face sitting with these people any longer. I got through it though, and the result was as I would have expected - me and my managers had done absolutely nothing wrong. Yet again it came out that some of my team had been intimidatory towards me. The result of THEIR complaint was they were to be split up and moved to other, identical, teams in the organisation so I wouldn't have to work with them any more. That was in mid November...

They've all been off work since then - and have been protesting, and making all kinds of demands. Meanwhile those of us who have remained at work have, tentatively, built up good working relationships again. However, now they are approaching half pay (and their gps seemed to have wised up to their protest!) their tactics have changed and I've found out today they might be coming back in a couple of weeks. But to the same office as me. Seems my employer has no backbone and they are now going to sweep it all under the carpet, as if it never happened.

In the meantime, I've already made a lot of sacrifices. I sat in another office while the investigation went on so felt very displaced at work, and I've recently negotiated a temporary reduction in my hours as a reasonable adjustment under the DDA (this situation really has taken a toll on my health). 

Onto health matters, I've now had it confirmed my cancer treatment has put me through early menopause (I'm in my thirties, so it's definitely early!) and I'm struggling a bit getting my head round that.  I've actually had to take a couple of days off work this week, because I've been feeling really under the weather physically and emotionally. Not sure if I've picked up a virus, I'm just completely run down or my body is protesting at the change from Tamoxifen to Aromasin. I just feel terrible and want to sleep all the time.

So, basically I'm just feeling sorry for myself and needed to write it down somewhere. This seemed like the place to do it. Maybe now I have offloaded I will be able to consider my options now, cos I don't really know what I'm going to do next 

Back to the hospital...

I've been to the hospital today for another dose of the delightful sounding zoledronic acid.  While I was there I had a blood test to find out if I am now post menopausal. I'm 36, and my periods stopped when I had treatment in 2005/06 - never to return. My Onc now wants me to change from Tamoxifen to Aromasin, so has tested me today to check my menopausal status...

I don't know how I feel about this really. Part of me is glad - the less estrogen produced in my body the better, and I can't say I miss having periods! But, now it is going to be confirmed that cancer has left me infertile (I don't have any kids) I feel very sad. Ok, I've never rushed to start a family but I always thought that was a choice I could still make for many years to come.

Gosh - things just keep coming along on this long and winding road don't they!?! I'm not even sure if I am asking a question here, or just sounding off... Thanks for listening anyway!

Where has the last month gone?

Well, the results were out last month.  All the complaints against me were not upheld.  I knew they couldn't be, but I was still very worried.  I have lost a lot of faith in a lot of people this year so wasn't really sure which way it would go to be honest.

The outcome also found 3 of the 8 people have displayed intimidating behaviour towards me.  Great - some back up and support for me  to put an end to all this you would think.  Erm no - they have all (all 8) been off sick since the results came out and are appealing against the decision.  It seems they weren't advised it could turn round on them.  The fact their complaints weren't upheld, yet they were actually found to be in the wrong seems to have been a bitter pill to swallow...  My caring employer has yet again done nothing to support me, despite the fact it has now been proven I have been bullied.  They have even been asking me for ideas on how to get the 8 back to work!?! 

So, another month and still no end to all this rubbish.  However, I am trying to put as much of it as I can behind me for a couple of weeks so I can enjoy Christmas with the people I care about. 

Feedback time...

Yes, it's still ongoing.  This is now month 10.

Apparently, I will be getting "feedback" tomorrow from the investigation.  Slightly worrying because my statement hasn't been agreed yet.  It took the investigating officers over 6 weeks to send it to me and I have never seen such a poorly written document in my life!  They suggested I changed it (great - doing their job as well now!), then at half 4 today told me they don't agree with my amended version.  Hmm, now there was I thinking it was a statement of what I said??  How the "feedback" has been prepared without my statement is beyond me.  I hope to be enlightened tomorrow...

Call me pessimistic, but I don't have very high hopes for a satisfactory conclusion.   At all.

The interview

This is going to be quite a short post, because I am exhausted to be honest.

I had my investigation interview yesterday. It was ok I suppose, but on more than one occasion I got very upset. I guess the word that describes me best at the moment is fragile. All the months of this going on have really taken their toll on me.

I am still unclear how I am a bully, or have harassed or intimidated anyone. The questions asked didn't really give me the answers to that. In fact, some of it was laughable (well, it would be if I wasn't so upset!). One of the complaints against me is that I have laughed when talking to another manager at work. I kid you not - the possible few occasions where I have laughed this year is now being used against me!!

I managed to take a union rep with me to the meeting, and he was disgusted about the interview. He said he will be taking it up with the powers that be. Good for him, I think, but I'm really getting tired of all the battles surrounding this. I feel like a pawn in a game where I don't understand the rules.

*sigh*

Time to have my say?

I've just spent what was supposed to be a relaxing weekend away with my family trying to sort out a union rep who could accompany me to an "investigation Interview" I have been called for tomorrow. I found out at quarter to 6 on Thursday evening that my interview was tomorrow. I was supposed to be going on holiday on Friday afternoon, and was not supposed to be home until late today. I had to cut my holiday short to sort this out. I couldn't get away on Friday, and had to come home earlier than planned today. It's been a nightmare. I found out 20 minutes ago that someone can accompany me.

So, tomorrow I will be getting questioned about me being a bully. I have no idea what the allegations are. Remember it was me who was being bullied by my team, for many months. It seems that the ultimate form of bullying now seems to be submitting a formal complaint against your victim. I think the time has come for me to look for a job elsewhere. It's not doing my health (emotional and physical) any good waiting for this to be resolved.

I feel like I am close to giving in. Let the bullies win, I don't have much strength left to fight this.

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye...

I've had quite an eventful day today. I finally heard from Occupational Health, who in a nutshell said the only advice they could give me was to go off sick. How's that for support?!?

Luckily today I had a Life Coaching appointment. She was fab today, and although it was quite gruelling today and I got very upset she has helped me come up with a plan of action. She too thinks I need to remove myself from the situation at work. However, when I explained I would not be going off sick as I AM NOT ILL! (Sorry, I get sick of having to say that!). I am just unable to tolerate working in a tense and hostile environment. It really is becoming an impossible situation. So, with guidance I have told my employer that as of tomorrow I will be relocating myself into another office. I'll still do my job but will not physically sit in the team while the formal investigation is going on. I can't manage a group of people who won't enter into any dialogue with me, so I may as well sit elsewhere and get on with the parts of my job I can do.

I'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow. It'll be fun packing...

Dipping my toes back into cancerland

I’ve been to the hospital today. Everything seems ok again thankfully. My Oncologist thinks I will be changing my medication next time I go as he is now quite certain I am post menopausal. I’ll be changing onto another drug – Aromasin (exemestane) so will have a whole load of new side effects to discover! From the little I do know, it seems that taking Aromasin after Tamoxifen seems to work well and keep cancer at bay more than Tamoxifen alone so I’m willing to give it a try. I will also have to have a bone scan as Aromasin isn’t too kind on your bones (or hair!). I’m feeling very 50/50 about that. I do have some aches and pains that I put down to Tamoxifen etc – none of them cause me any trouble really or are there all the time. At least if I have another scan I’ll know for certain. Gulp.

Not surprisingly I burst into tears when I saw him. I didn’t really manage to get much out of my mouth to be honest, but he knows I have had time off because of stress and it is still ongoing. Like my GP he asked if I was getting support from work, and said (his words) “This is the last thing you need right now”. I said I had seen Occ. Health and was hoping to see them again soon… (I emailed them again yesterday).

The actual treatment went ok - the nurse got straight into a vein. Hurrah!! That makes a change.

For the first time since I returned to work after my original cancer treatment I didn't go back to work afterwards today. I can't face it when I have this to deal with.

So, I’m done for 6 months now.

No way...

I think this has been the worst week of my life post diagnosis so far. Not only have I been grieving for my friend, the unthinkable has happened at work.

It appears a formal complaint has been lodged at work. Great - about time some people might say. Time to sort it out once and for all. But no - the complaint is AGAINST me. By the very people who have made my life hell for the last 6 months, and whose behaviour resulted in me having time off because of stress. No more undercover bullying from them, oh no. They've gone for the jugular now.

So, despite the fact that I have done NOTHING other than try to do my job, and be a bit subdued while I have been having a few hard times in my private life I am now having to face a formal investigation that will probably take months. I'll have to discuss my private feelings with yet more strangers now, which I find really hard to do. OK I spill all here, but that is different. This blog is like therapy!

Oh, and to top it all off I'm back at the hospital next week. Yes my lovely work colleagues - you know for CANCER treatment. Remember??

I'm struggling to keep my faith in human nature tonight.

*sigh*

Saying goodbye

I chose, for many reasons, not to attend the funeral of my friend today.

However, at 3pm - the time of her funeral - I took myself off to the quietest spot I could find (I work in a city centre) and released a balloon with a note for her tied to it. I cried for her, and the fact that I am angry that cancer has taken her away so young.

Later, there was a shower - really heavy rain, followed by a rainbow. I'll always think of her when I see a rainbow now.

Love ya Dee xxx