Session number one...

Well, I've been... I don't know what I think about it to be honest. That about sums me up at the moment, I just don't know anything! I cried a lot, and was very honest with her how I feel but I honestly don't understand how she is going to help me out. She said I am too hard on myself, and it's obvious I have a lot of anger towards the fact I had breast cancer, the fact I had it in my thirties, the effect it has had on my life blah blah blah. I knew all this though, I know I'm pissed off...She also picked up on the fact that I am usually the one who helps other people with their problems, I'm the one who's shoulder people cry on. I don't allow myself to cry on anyone elses, I see that as a weakness (in myself - I don't do face leaking "normally" and I have always dealt with all the shit thrown at me in the past). I said I am a control freak, and she agrees!She thinks I need to figure out who I am post bc, and what I want in life. I do not know the answer to that at the moment so maybe she will be able to help me figure that out.She did mention me screaming and shouting in her office, and that might help. Not me I'm afraid. Oh, and something about using pastel crayons with my left hand, colour therapy or something - to get it all out onto paper. Also not my kind of thing... She'll have me hugging flippin trees next!So, mixed feelings really. I do feel better for admitting I need help and it was good to chat to a stranger about it. But, I'm not sure if she's the best stranger to help me deal with it. We'll see...I have another appointment same time next week...

Hmm... Perhaps I'm not coping...

Went to see my GP this morning. Apparantly I am having a "delayed stress reaction". I bounced through the diagnosis, treatment, returning to work etc then CRASH I hit the floor. I've been struggling for a while now, and am fed up with feeling fed up so have decided to try and get some help. I don't want tablets or anything, but I think I just need someone to talk to so he's trying to sort out some counselling for me. This is all a bit alien for me, I don't "do" emotions.

I know I can't carry on like this though, I feel like I am in a rut and am just existing. I want to live the life of a 34 year old not some poor sod who has had to deal with a life threatening illness...

I just feel like the world is continuing to spin lke normal, but I am out of step with it at the moment.