I’ve been to the hospital today. Everything seems ok again thankfully. My Oncologist thinks I will be changing my medication next time I go as he is now quite certain I am post menopausal. I’ll be changing onto another drug – Aromasin (exemestane) so will have a whole load of new side effects to discover! From the little I do know, it seems that taking Aromasin after Tamoxifen seems to work well and keep cancer at bay more than Tamoxifen alone so I’m willing to give it a try. I will also have to have a bone scan as Aromasin isn’t too kind on your bones (or hair!). I’m feeling very 50/50 about that. I do have some aches and pains that I put down to Tamoxifen etc – none of them cause me any trouble really or are there all the time. At least if I have another scan I’ll know for certain. Gulp.
Not surprisingly I burst into tears when I saw him. I didn’t really manage to get much out of my mouth to be honest, but he knows I have had time off because of stress and it is still ongoing. Like my GP he asked if I was getting support from work, and said (his words) “This is the last thing you need right now”. I said I had seen Occ. Health and was hoping to see them again soon… (I emailed them again yesterday).
The actual treatment went ok - the nurse got straight into a vein. Hurrah!! That makes a change.
For the first time since I returned to work after my original cancer treatment I didn't go back to work afterwards today. I can't face it when I have this to deal with.
So, I’m done for 6 months now.
Showing posts with label cry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cry. Show all posts
Wednesday, 6 August 2008
Saturday, 26 April 2008
Where did it go wrong?
Here I am again, which can mean only one thing... yes I need to offload again!
Where do I start?? Well, as you can see from the last couple of postings I made things weren't going too well. I was feeling quite down and life was a bit of a struggle. And it hasn't got any better. Somehow, just because I was quiet and reservced (and not like me at all) I have ended up being the victim of bullying and harassment in the workplace. That sounds quite strong when you write it down doesn't it? Sadly it's true.
I've been forced to do a lot of reflecting over the last week - and have had to open up some very painful wounds. This all started because a so-called friend at work forced me to open up and bare my soul - I told her some VERY personal and VERY painful things. Things I was happy to keep in my head, or at least on this blog. Things I don't like to talk about out loud. Things about my illness and the sometimes devastating effect it has had on my emotions and my outlook on life. All this to try and explain how the "problems" surrounding me were just that - my problems. Nothing to do with anyone else. I wasn't mad or upset with anyone. It was just me having a bit of a hard time living a life after cancer, yet I was doing this quietly and privately so was a bit withdrawn.
So - I open up, unwillingly and unusually, in the hope I can show that I don't have any issues with this so called friend. Just to try and explain what it is like to be me, an insight into my feelings and emotions. What I got back was quite frankly quite sinister, and there were some very nasty comments. The worst thing is, this hasn't just been from this one so called friend. She has enlisted the back up of a group of other colleagues who have made it impossible for me to function properly at work. I'm invisible to them now, and am excluded.
It's now affecting my whole life, I don't sleep well, don't eat well and spend far too much time, time that is precious to me, feeling down and moaning about it to my real friends. I don't like feeling so glum - I want to live life to the full, enjoy every precious minute. Yet every work day is so hard, and very draining for me. It's also incredibly stressful.
And as this is at work, I have now had to open up these wounds to others. People who do care and want to help me, but who I wouldn't necessarily share quite so much of my personal information with. I don't like to talk about my illness etc, I want to move on from it. I don't want to talk about it full stop! Yet I feel like I've been dragged back, and I'm hurting about it again. A lot.
When I had counselling last year, I had a big problem with opening up - always have done. That's one of the reasons I started to write this blog. I could do it anonymously here, I find it very therapeutic. This so called friend knew this, yet when she left me no option other than to open up, and say what was on my mind she turned it all around and fired back with all guns blazing. The reason for this is still a mystery to me. I did nothing but retreat a little while I got my head together.
So, where do I go from here? Do I let them "win" and leave? Do I care that the job I used to enjoy and have done for many years is now the cause of a lot of stress, anxiety and upset? Will I ever trust any of them again? Or do I grit my teeth and battle on in the hope that one day, some day it will all pass and they will turn their attention elsewhere? Will they ever realise what they have done, or how they have made me feel? Will they even care if they do?
I guess I will have to wait just a bit longer and wait for the situation to be dealt with by my bosses. The time has come to stand up to these bullies. That is not a nice feeling at all :(
Where do I start?? Well, as you can see from the last couple of postings I made things weren't going too well. I was feeling quite down and life was a bit of a struggle. And it hasn't got any better. Somehow, just because I was quiet and reservced (and not like me at all) I have ended up being the victim of bullying and harassment in the workplace. That sounds quite strong when you write it down doesn't it? Sadly it's true.
I've been forced to do a lot of reflecting over the last week - and have had to open up some very painful wounds. This all started because a so-called friend at work forced me to open up and bare my soul - I told her some VERY personal and VERY painful things. Things I was happy to keep in my head, or at least on this blog. Things I don't like to talk about out loud. Things about my illness and the sometimes devastating effect it has had on my emotions and my outlook on life. All this to try and explain how the "problems" surrounding me were just that - my problems. Nothing to do with anyone else. I wasn't mad or upset with anyone. It was just me having a bit of a hard time living a life after cancer, yet I was doing this quietly and privately so was a bit withdrawn.
So - I open up, unwillingly and unusually, in the hope I can show that I don't have any issues with this so called friend. Just to try and explain what it is like to be me, an insight into my feelings and emotions. What I got back was quite frankly quite sinister, and there were some very nasty comments. The worst thing is, this hasn't just been from this one so called friend. She has enlisted the back up of a group of other colleagues who have made it impossible for me to function properly at work. I'm invisible to them now, and am excluded.
It's now affecting my whole life, I don't sleep well, don't eat well and spend far too much time, time that is precious to me, feeling down and moaning about it to my real friends. I don't like feeling so glum - I want to live life to the full, enjoy every precious minute. Yet every work day is so hard, and very draining for me. It's also incredibly stressful.
And as this is at work, I have now had to open up these wounds to others. People who do care and want to help me, but who I wouldn't necessarily share quite so much of my personal information with. I don't like to talk about my illness etc, I want to move on from it. I don't want to talk about it full stop! Yet I feel like I've been dragged back, and I'm hurting about it again. A lot.
When I had counselling last year, I had a big problem with opening up - always have done. That's one of the reasons I started to write this blog. I could do it anonymously here, I find it very therapeutic. This so called friend knew this, yet when she left me no option other than to open up, and say what was on my mind she turned it all around and fired back with all guns blazing. The reason for this is still a mystery to me. I did nothing but retreat a little while I got my head together.
So, where do I go from here? Do I let them "win" and leave? Do I care that the job I used to enjoy and have done for many years is now the cause of a lot of stress, anxiety and upset? Will I ever trust any of them again? Or do I grit my teeth and battle on in the hope that one day, some day it will all pass and they will turn their attention elsewhere? Will they ever realise what they have done, or how they have made me feel? Will they even care if they do?
I guess I will have to wait just a bit longer and wait for the situation to be dealt with by my bosses. The time has come to stand up to these bullies. That is not a nice feeling at all :(
Thursday, 3 August 2006
Leaky face.
Today I have been tired and grumpy again. Work got on my nerves, and I felt like crying a couple of times (which I would HATE to do, I rarely cry in public). I was so glad when it was hometime.
My hospital buddy texted me earlier to tell me she was off to the hospital cos she has some swelling in her neck. She's really worried about it. I must get in touch with her again tomorrow to see how she got on. F***in disease.
I've been round to my best mates house for tea tonight. Did I tell her how down I am feeling? Did I chuff, I put my shiny happy smiley face on and pretended everything was ok. Why do I do that? She's been my mate for 28 years so why do I feel like I have to protect her from the dark side of all this. I did tell her about the lady who has died, and she had a horrible look of fear in her eyes as I told her. I hate the affect all this shite has on my friends and family as well.
Oh, I'm really sick of myself now. My face has started leaking again.
My hospital buddy texted me earlier to tell me she was off to the hospital cos she has some swelling in her neck. She's really worried about it. I must get in touch with her again tomorrow to see how she got on. F***in disease.
I've been round to my best mates house for tea tonight. Did I tell her how down I am feeling? Did I chuff, I put my shiny happy smiley face on and pretended everything was ok. Why do I do that? She's been my mate for 28 years so why do I feel like I have to protect her from the dark side of all this. I did tell her about the lady who has died, and she had a horrible look of fear in her eyes as I told her. I hate the affect all this shite has on my friends and family as well.
Oh, I'm really sick of myself now. My face has started leaking again.
Friday, 24 March 2006
Not good.
***Warning*** Self pitying rant coming up.
I’m really pissed off and fed up. I’m sick of feeling like crap and tired all the time. Loads of people keep telling me I should be feeling great now my treatment is over and how I can now get back to normal, back to work etc. I know they mean well, but I just want to slap them round the face and say “try spending 24 hours in my mutilated, poisoned and burnt body and then say things are normal”.
I feel a little let down by my friends at the moment. They were great while I was at the hospital every 2 minutes, checking I was ok etc but they haven’t been around so much the last couple of weeks (except one friend who has suddenly re-appeared the last couple of weeks. Very odd). It’s me being sensitive I know, but you know what it is like when you feel shit.
My hormones are all over the place too. I had no periods while on chemo, now they are back with a vengeance. I’ve started today, only 11 days since the last one so have stomach cramp on top of everything else.
Tonight was another rehearsal for the fashion show. I was ok when I was there, but on the way home I just started to feel so sad that so many people are affected by this crappy disease. It also made me feel very young (there are only a couple of others there who are around my age).
I’m having one of those “why me?” days. Sorry about this outburst, but I needed to have a cyber rant. I’ve had a good cry too, the first one for ages so hopefully I’ll bounce back again soon now I've let it all out.
I’m really pissed off and fed up. I’m sick of feeling like crap and tired all the time. Loads of people keep telling me I should be feeling great now my treatment is over and how I can now get back to normal, back to work etc. I know they mean well, but I just want to slap them round the face and say “try spending 24 hours in my mutilated, poisoned and burnt body and then say things are normal”.
I feel a little let down by my friends at the moment. They were great while I was at the hospital every 2 minutes, checking I was ok etc but they haven’t been around so much the last couple of weeks (except one friend who has suddenly re-appeared the last couple of weeks. Very odd). It’s me being sensitive I know, but you know what it is like when you feel shit.
My hormones are all over the place too. I had no periods while on chemo, now they are back with a vengeance. I’ve started today, only 11 days since the last one so have stomach cramp on top of everything else.
Tonight was another rehearsal for the fashion show. I was ok when I was there, but on the way home I just started to feel so sad that so many people are affected by this crappy disease. It also made me feel very young (there are only a couple of others there who are around my age).
I’m having one of those “why me?” days. Sorry about this outburst, but I needed to have a cyber rant. I’ve had a good cry too, the first one for ages so hopefully I’ll bounce back again soon now I've let it all out.
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