Where did it go wrong?

Here I am again, which can mean only one thing... yes I need to offload again!

Where do I start?? Well, as you can see from the last couple of postings I made things weren't going too well. I was feeling quite down and life was a bit of a struggle. And it hasn't got any better. Somehow, just because I was quiet and reservced (and not like me at all) I have ended up being the victim of bullying and harassment in the workplace. That sounds quite strong when you write it down doesn't it? Sadly it's true.

I've been forced to do a lot of reflecting over the last week - and have had to open up some very painful wounds. This all started because a so-called friend at work forced me to open up and bare my soul - I told her some VERY personal and VERY painful things. Things I was happy to keep in my head, or at least on this blog. Things I don't like to talk about out loud. Things about my illness and the sometimes devastating effect it has had on my emotions and my outlook on life. All this to try and explain how the "problems" surrounding me were just that - my problems. Nothing to do with anyone else. I wasn't mad or upset with anyone. It was just me having a bit of a hard time living a life after cancer, yet I was doing this quietly and privately so was a bit withdrawn.

So - I open up, unwillingly and unusually, in the hope I can show that I don't have any issues with this so called friend. Just to try and explain what it is like to be me, an insight into my feelings and emotions. What I got back was quite frankly quite sinister, and there were some very nasty comments. The worst thing is, this hasn't just been from this one so called friend. She has enlisted the back up of a group of other colleagues who have made it impossible for me to function properly at work. I'm invisible to them now, and am excluded.

It's now affecting my whole life, I don't sleep well, don't eat well and spend far too much time, time that is precious to me, feeling down and moaning about it to my real friends. I don't like feeling so glum - I want to live life to the full, enjoy every precious minute. Yet every work day is so hard, and very draining for me. It's also incredibly stressful.

And as this is at work, I have now had to open up these wounds to others. People who do care and want to help me, but who I wouldn't necessarily share quite so much of my personal information with. I don't like to talk about my illness etc, I want to move on from it. I don't want to talk about it full stop! Yet I feel like I've been dragged back, and I'm hurting about it again. A lot.

When I had counselling last year, I had a big problem with opening up - always have done. That's one of the reasons I started to write this blog. I could do it anonymously here, I find it very therapeutic. This so called friend knew this, yet when she left me no option other than to open up, and say what was on my mind she turned it all around and fired back with all guns blazing. The reason for this is still a mystery to me. I did nothing but retreat a little while I got my head together.

So, where do I go from here? Do I let them "win" and leave? Do I care that the job I used to enjoy and have done for many years is now the cause of a lot of stress, anxiety and upset? Will I ever trust any of them again? Or do I grit my teeth and battle on in the hope that one day, some day it will all pass and they will turn their attention elsewhere? Will they ever realise what they have done, or how they have made me feel? Will they even care if they do?

I guess I will have to wait just a bit longer and wait for the situation to be dealt with by my bosses. The time has come to stand up to these bullies. That is not a nice feeling at all :(

I can see your true colours...

Well, I've had a brief return into cancer world today cos I've been back to see my counsellor and have been for blood tests (my arm looks like a junkies!). I haven't seen my counsellor for quite a while (about 6 weeks?), not since before I went on holiday. I had thought about phoning up and cancelling, but I'm one of those people who likes to see something through so thought I should go up one last time just to tie up any loose ends etc...

So, we had a bit of a catch up and review today. Really good to do this, cos I knew I felt different and I knew I was more like the old me but actually having the chance to talk about it all has made me realise just how different I feel at the moment.

More than one person has commented that I seem different (including people who know nothing about my counselling etc). One friend of my mums said to her after a party the other week "She's back", cos I was my usual happy self, having a laugh (and kicking off with the management when things went wrong - hee hee!). She said I'd had a smile painted on before. Funny how some people can see right through you isn't it? My counsellor said she could tell I was different, not only by what I was saying and the fact I had a different hairdo, but my body language, the sparkle in my eyes etc.

We chatted about all the things I have overcome recently, all the hurdles I have had to get over culminating in the holiday I had completely dreaded (which was great once I got there!). Putting them all in one conversation really made me think how worthwhile going to see her has been. God knows what I'd be like now if I'd tried to carry on, struggling through. Funny thing is, now I look back I realise just how depressed I was. Even when I admitted I needed to see someone I don't think I realised how bad I was. Been a real eye opener has all this!

So - where do I go from here? I'm feeling more like the old me, but I still feel different. Not the damaged, sad me but a different, more contented me. I'm not quite as mardy these days anyway (well I don't think I am!!), and can cope better with other people. She has picked up on the fact I now have different boundaries, and I have changed some of my relationships (you definitely figure out who your real friends are when things go wrong!). But, do I really know how to carry on coping? I think yes but then again I have a sneaky suspicion that if things started to go wrong again I would climb back into my hole again. Still not keen on the asking for help thing. We also discussed a few other things to do with my future, and how I feel about them. Bit unsure on some of that...(but don't feel too bad either).

Plus, May/June is a big time for anniversaries for me. That sort of thing has come along and knocked me sideways before. I feel like I am ok with it all this time (I don't hate May for having 2 bank Holidays anymore, it's back to being party month!!) but she seems to think I shouldn't pack in my counselling until I am sure I am ok to be left to my own devices. So, we have reached a compromise that I won't go back again for a fortnight (although I am pencilled in for next Tuesday - just incase), where we will look at a few ways for me to keep on coping, and possible situations that could come up and knock me off track. Also, who knows after a game of hunt the vein tomorrow I might need a bit of therapy!

One final thing - if you ever get 5 mins Google Cyndi Lauper's "True Colours" lyrics. We've decided that is my song now (a throwback to the painting session I had) - cos at bl**din last I'm getting there!! :)

Me 1 Cancer 0

I haven't felt the need to write much recently. In fact, cancer hasn't really featured much in my life recently. It's like a switch has been flicked in my head and I'm back to acting and thinking like the old me.

Had a really good chat with a colleague at work the other day, and it made me realise just how depressed I have been over the last few months. I didn't realise it at the time but looking back I was very down. I guess it's understandable after all I have been through the last couple of years, even I can admit to struggling a bit now which is not easy believe me!!

So, all is good in my world at the moment. Long may it continue!!