Another trip on the emotional rollercoaster

Here I am again.  Which sadly means I am at a dip, not a peak on my rollercoaster.  One day I hope to come on here and post when life is treating me well, but for now I only seem to come here when I need to offload...

A quick recap on the nightmare at work.  I got bullied, my managers tried to deal with it informally.  This didn't work - staff involved didn't like being told off so turned the whole thing completely on it's head in August and submitted a formal complaint against me, and my managers. They accused us of the very behaviour they had displayed against me. It really was very surreal, and extremely stressful. I ended up having to move myself into another section for a while as I couldn't face sitting with these people any longer. I got through it though, and the result was as I would have expected - me and my managers had done absolutely nothing wrong. Yet again it came out that some of my team had been intimidatory towards me. The result of THEIR complaint was they were to be split up and moved to other, identical, teams in the organisation so I wouldn't have to work with them any more. That was in mid November...

They've all been off work since then - and have been protesting, and making all kinds of demands. Meanwhile those of us who have remained at work have, tentatively, built up good working relationships again. However, now they are approaching half pay (and their gps seemed to have wised up to their protest!) their tactics have changed and I've found out today they might be coming back in a couple of weeks. But to the same office as me. Seems my employer has no backbone and they are now going to sweep it all under the carpet, as if it never happened.

In the meantime, I've already made a lot of sacrifices. I sat in another office while the investigation went on so felt very displaced at work, and I've recently negotiated a temporary reduction in my hours as a reasonable adjustment under the DDA (this situation really has taken a toll on my health). 

Onto health matters, I've now had it confirmed my cancer treatment has put me through early menopause (I'm in my thirties, so it's definitely early!) and I'm struggling a bit getting my head round that.  I've actually had to take a couple of days off work this week, because I've been feeling really under the weather physically and emotionally. Not sure if I've picked up a virus, I'm just completely run down or my body is protesting at the change from Tamoxifen to Aromasin. I just feel terrible and want to sleep all the time.

So, basically I'm just feeling sorry for myself and needed to write it down somewhere. This seemed like the place to do it. Maybe now I have offloaded I will be able to consider my options now, cos I don't really know what I'm going to do next 

Back to the hospital...

I've been to the hospital today for another dose of the delightful sounding zoledronic acid.  While I was there I had a blood test to find out if I am now post menopausal. I'm 36, and my periods stopped when I had treatment in 2005/06 - never to return. My Onc now wants me to change from Tamoxifen to Aromasin, so has tested me today to check my menopausal status...

I don't know how I feel about this really. Part of me is glad - the less estrogen produced in my body the better, and I can't say I miss having periods! But, now it is going to be confirmed that cancer has left me infertile (I don't have any kids) I feel very sad. Ok, I've never rushed to start a family but I always thought that was a choice I could still make for many years to come.

Gosh - things just keep coming along on this long and winding road don't they!?! I'm not even sure if I am asking a question here, or just sounding off... Thanks for listening anyway!

Where has the last month gone?

Well, the results were out last month.  All the complaints against me were not upheld.  I knew they couldn't be, but I was still very worried.  I have lost a lot of faith in a lot of people this year so wasn't really sure which way it would go to be honest.

The outcome also found 3 of the 8 people have displayed intimidating behaviour towards me.  Great - some back up and support for me  to put an end to all this you would think.  Erm no - they have all (all 8) been off sick since the results came out and are appealing against the decision.  It seems they weren't advised it could turn round on them.  The fact their complaints weren't upheld, yet they were actually found to be in the wrong seems to have been a bitter pill to swallow...  My caring employer has yet again done nothing to support me, despite the fact it has now been proven I have been bullied.  They have even been asking me for ideas on how to get the 8 back to work!?! 

So, another month and still no end to all this rubbish.  However, I am trying to put as much of it as I can behind me for a couple of weeks so I can enjoy Christmas with the people I care about. 

Feedback time...

Yes, it's still ongoing.  This is now month 10.

Apparently, I will be getting "feedback" tomorrow from the investigation.  Slightly worrying because my statement hasn't been agreed yet.  It took the investigating officers over 6 weeks to send it to me and I have never seen such a poorly written document in my life!  They suggested I changed it (great - doing their job as well now!), then at half 4 today told me they don't agree with my amended version.  Hmm, now there was I thinking it was a statement of what I said??  How the "feedback" has been prepared without my statement is beyond me.  I hope to be enlightened tomorrow...

Call me pessimistic, but I don't have very high hopes for a satisfactory conclusion.   At all.

The interview

This is going to be quite a short post, because I am exhausted to be honest.

I had my investigation interview yesterday. It was ok I suppose, but on more than one occasion I got very upset. I guess the word that describes me best at the moment is fragile. All the months of this going on have really taken their toll on me.

I am still unclear how I am a bully, or have harassed or intimidated anyone. The questions asked didn't really give me the answers to that. In fact, some of it was laughable (well, it would be if I wasn't so upset!). One of the complaints against me is that I have laughed when talking to another manager at work. I kid you not - the possible few occasions where I have laughed this year is now being used against me!!

I managed to take a union rep with me to the meeting, and he was disgusted about the interview. He said he will be taking it up with the powers that be. Good for him, I think, but I'm really getting tired of all the battles surrounding this. I feel like a pawn in a game where I don't understand the rules.

*sigh*

Time to have my say?

I've just spent what was supposed to be a relaxing weekend away with my family trying to sort out a union rep who could accompany me to an "investigation Interview" I have been called for tomorrow. I found out at quarter to 6 on Thursday evening that my interview was tomorrow. I was supposed to be going on holiday on Friday afternoon, and was not supposed to be home until late today. I had to cut my holiday short to sort this out. I couldn't get away on Friday, and had to come home earlier than planned today. It's been a nightmare. I found out 20 minutes ago that someone can accompany me.

So, tomorrow I will be getting questioned about me being a bully. I have no idea what the allegations are. Remember it was me who was being bullied by my team, for many months. It seems that the ultimate form of bullying now seems to be submitting a formal complaint against your victim. I think the time has come for me to look for a job elsewhere. It's not doing my health (emotional and physical) any good waiting for this to be resolved.

I feel like I am close to giving in. Let the bullies win, I don't have much strength left to fight this.

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye...

I've had quite an eventful day today. I finally heard from Occupational Health, who in a nutshell said the only advice they could give me was to go off sick. How's that for support?!?

Luckily today I had a Life Coaching appointment. She was fab today, and although it was quite gruelling today and I got very upset she has helped me come up with a plan of action. She too thinks I need to remove myself from the situation at work. However, when I explained I would not be going off sick as I AM NOT ILL! (Sorry, I get sick of having to say that!). I am just unable to tolerate working in a tense and hostile environment. It really is becoming an impossible situation. So, with guidance I have told my employer that as of tomorrow I will be relocating myself into another office. I'll still do my job but will not physically sit in the team while the formal investigation is going on. I can't manage a group of people who won't enter into any dialogue with me, so I may as well sit elsewhere and get on with the parts of my job I can do.

I'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow. It'll be fun packing...