The interview

This is going to be quite a short post, because I am exhausted to be honest.

I had my investigation interview yesterday. It was ok I suppose, but on more than one occasion I got very upset. I guess the word that describes me best at the moment is fragile. All the months of this going on have really taken their toll on me.

I am still unclear how I am a bully, or have harassed or intimidated anyone. The questions asked didn't really give me the answers to that. In fact, some of it was laughable (well, it would be if I wasn't so upset!). One of the complaints against me is that I have laughed when talking to another manager at work. I kid you not - the possible few occasions where I have laughed this year is now being used against me!!

I managed to take a union rep with me to the meeting, and he was disgusted about the interview. He said he will be taking it up with the powers that be. Good for him, I think, but I'm really getting tired of all the battles surrounding this. I feel like a pawn in a game where I don't understand the rules.

*sigh*

Time to have my say?

I've just spent what was supposed to be a relaxing weekend away with my family trying to sort out a union rep who could accompany me to an "investigation Interview" I have been called for tomorrow. I found out at quarter to 6 on Thursday evening that my interview was tomorrow. I was supposed to be going on holiday on Friday afternoon, and was not supposed to be home until late today. I had to cut my holiday short to sort this out. I couldn't get away on Friday, and had to come home earlier than planned today. It's been a nightmare. I found out 20 minutes ago that someone can accompany me.

So, tomorrow I will be getting questioned about me being a bully. I have no idea what the allegations are. Remember it was me who was being bullied by my team, for many months. It seems that the ultimate form of bullying now seems to be submitting a formal complaint against your victim. I think the time has come for me to look for a job elsewhere. It's not doing my health (emotional and physical) any good waiting for this to be resolved.

I feel like I am close to giving in. Let the bullies win, I don't have much strength left to fight this.

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye...

I've had quite an eventful day today. I finally heard from Occupational Health, who in a nutshell said the only advice they could give me was to go off sick. How's that for support?!?

Luckily today I had a Life Coaching appointment. She was fab today, and although it was quite gruelling today and I got very upset she has helped me come up with a plan of action. She too thinks I need to remove myself from the situation at work. However, when I explained I would not be going off sick as I AM NOT ILL! (Sorry, I get sick of having to say that!). I am just unable to tolerate working in a tense and hostile environment. It really is becoming an impossible situation. So, with guidance I have told my employer that as of tomorrow I will be relocating myself into another office. I'll still do my job but will not physically sit in the team while the formal investigation is going on. I can't manage a group of people who won't enter into any dialogue with me, so I may as well sit elsewhere and get on with the parts of my job I can do.

I'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow. It'll be fun packing...

Dipping my toes back into cancerland

I’ve been to the hospital today. Everything seems ok again thankfully. My Oncologist thinks I will be changing my medication next time I go as he is now quite certain I am post menopausal. I’ll be changing onto another drug – Aromasin (exemestane) so will have a whole load of new side effects to discover! From the little I do know, it seems that taking Aromasin after Tamoxifen seems to work well and keep cancer at bay more than Tamoxifen alone so I’m willing to give it a try. I will also have to have a bone scan as Aromasin isn’t too kind on your bones (or hair!). I’m feeling very 50/50 about that. I do have some aches and pains that I put down to Tamoxifen etc – none of them cause me any trouble really or are there all the time. At least if I have another scan I’ll know for certain. Gulp.

Not surprisingly I burst into tears when I saw him. I didn’t really manage to get much out of my mouth to be honest, but he knows I have had time off because of stress and it is still ongoing. Like my GP he asked if I was getting support from work, and said (his words) “This is the last thing you need right now”. I said I had seen Occ. Health and was hoping to see them again soon… (I emailed them again yesterday).

The actual treatment went ok - the nurse got straight into a vein. Hurrah!! That makes a change.

For the first time since I returned to work after my original cancer treatment I didn't go back to work afterwards today. I can't face it when I have this to deal with.

So, I’m done for 6 months now.

No way...

I think this has been the worst week of my life post diagnosis so far. Not only have I been grieving for my friend, the unthinkable has happened at work.

It appears a formal complaint has been lodged at work. Great - about time some people might say. Time to sort it out once and for all. But no - the complaint is AGAINST me. By the very people who have made my life hell for the last 6 months, and whose behaviour resulted in me having time off because of stress. No more undercover bullying from them, oh no. They've gone for the jugular now.

So, despite the fact that I have done NOTHING other than try to do my job, and be a bit subdued while I have been having a few hard times in my private life I am now having to face a formal investigation that will probably take months. I'll have to discuss my private feelings with yet more strangers now, which I find really hard to do. OK I spill all here, but that is different. This blog is like therapy!

Oh, and to top it all off I'm back at the hospital next week. Yes my lovely work colleagues - you know for CANCER treatment. Remember??

I'm struggling to keep my faith in human nature tonight.

*sigh*