I'm going on holiday again!

I have booked another holiday!! I'm off to this villa:



It's near Albufeira, in Portugal and I go in 27 days time!!! I'm so excited. I've even managed to sort out some travel insurance that isn't costing me a fortune. It's a small fraction of the amount I had to pay last time.

Ain't life grand?

Another chapter over.

I've had my final counselling session today. I thought it would be, although now I know it has finished I feel a bit odd, and a bit emotional really...

We started off reviewing the last couple of weeks. I'd been quite down when I ended up with that bug last week. It hit me on the anniversary of my diagnosis so I was quite upset about that (cos I felt so crap anyway), and in all honesty the fact I managed 11 months but not quite 12 months without any sickness really annoyed me (that's me being harsh on myself again!). Plus, there was an article in the local paper about the fashion show that mentioned that 4 of the women have died since last year (I knew that already), that I read when I felt awful anyway... But, I managed to pick myself back up when I stopped feeling so ill (and when I could talk again - 2 days with no voice is not good for me!!) rather than dwelling on it for ages.

So, today was all about closure and how far I have come. We've chatted about all the things I was struggling with, and all the things I have overcome. We've also chatted about where I am at now, the person I think I am now (I'm not half as hard on myself as I was!), and where I see myself going. We have come up with some ideas/suggestions to keep me on the straight and narrow and, perhaps more importantly for me how I can recognise the signs if I start to go downhill again (like when everyone and everything starts to piss me off!!, or when I stop answering the phone, make excuses not to socialise etc).

We also discussed all the resources I have around me to make sure I feel supported in the future (including her - I had to promise I'd go back if things go wrong!). And, we also went over my own transformation over the last however long it has been, and how I am now living very much in the present and not the past like I was, and how my attitude to my illness and the affect it had on my life has changed. I'm almost there with the looking into the future thing (well, I've almost booked another holiday and that is as good as it gets for now).

So, that's it! Well, that's this bit over with anyway... I'm going to keep writing my blog cos that seems to help (she really likes the idea of that).

Happy Anniversary to me...

It was two years ago today that I received the terrible diagnosis that would change my life forever. On Friday 13 May 2005 at the age of 33 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

A day I will never ever forget, but as time goes by a day I hope to think about less and less...

Feeling ropey

Hmm... Just when things were looking up I feel really ropey. I've been feeling a bit dodgy since I had the infusion of zoledronic acid on Wednesday. My head has been a bit odd, yesterday I felt sick and today I feel all fluey and have the mother of all sore throats. Not good.

So, after being back at work for 11 months I am off sick again, and let me tell you I am a bit peeved about that. I wanted to get back to my previous clean sickness record. I know it can't be helped but I just feel like I have fallen at the final hurdle. Another few weeks and I would have notched up a full 12 sickie free months. Hey ho.

Felt a bit sorry for myself last night too. Mostly cos I feel crap, and a little bit cos this is the Friday I was diagnosed 2 years ago (it's my "proper" anniversary on the 13th). I thought this particular milestone was going to slip by a little bit unnoticed this year but I seem to have stumbled onto it again...

I have at least one good vein :)

Yes, yes, yes!! I was at the hospital today for another infusion of zoledronic acid and the lovely chemo nurse got the cannula in first time!!!! I can't tell you how good that feels. No bruises or anything this time. Fab!!

Also saw the Oncologist who after a really good prod and poke said everything is still ok. Thank god for that!!

So, no more hospital until August and I think I only have another 3 or 4 quarterly appointments to go to then it's 6 monthly ones! Imagine a whole 6 months without a hospital appointment...

I can see your true colours...

Well, I've had a brief return into cancer world today cos I've been back to see my counsellor and have been for blood tests (my arm looks like a junkies!). I haven't seen my counsellor for quite a while (about 6 weeks?), not since before I went on holiday. I had thought about phoning up and cancelling, but I'm one of those people who likes to see something through so thought I should go up one last time just to tie up any loose ends etc...

So, we had a bit of a catch up and review today. Really good to do this, cos I knew I felt different and I knew I was more like the old me but actually having the chance to talk about it all has made me realise just how different I feel at the moment.

More than one person has commented that I seem different (including people who know nothing about my counselling etc). One friend of my mums said to her after a party the other week "She's back", cos I was my usual happy self, having a laugh (and kicking off with the management when things went wrong - hee hee!). She said I'd had a smile painted on before. Funny how some people can see right through you isn't it? My counsellor said she could tell I was different, not only by what I was saying and the fact I had a different hairdo, but my body language, the sparkle in my eyes etc.

We chatted about all the things I have overcome recently, all the hurdles I have had to get over culminating in the holiday I had completely dreaded (which was great once I got there!). Putting them all in one conversation really made me think how worthwhile going to see her has been. God knows what I'd be like now if I'd tried to carry on, struggling through. Funny thing is, now I look back I realise just how depressed I was. Even when I admitted I needed to see someone I don't think I realised how bad I was. Been a real eye opener has all this!

So - where do I go from here? I'm feeling more like the old me, but I still feel different. Not the damaged, sad me but a different, more contented me. I'm not quite as mardy these days anyway (well I don't think I am!!), and can cope better with other people. She has picked up on the fact I now have different boundaries, and I have changed some of my relationships (you definitely figure out who your real friends are when things go wrong!). But, do I really know how to carry on coping? I think yes but then again I have a sneaky suspicion that if things started to go wrong again I would climb back into my hole again. Still not keen on the asking for help thing. We also discussed a few other things to do with my future, and how I feel about them. Bit unsure on some of that...(but don't feel too bad either).

Plus, May/June is a big time for anniversaries for me. That sort of thing has come along and knocked me sideways before. I feel like I am ok with it all this time (I don't hate May for having 2 bank Holidays anymore, it's back to being party month!!) but she seems to think I shouldn't pack in my counselling until I am sure I am ok to be left to my own devices. So, we have reached a compromise that I won't go back again for a fortnight (although I am pencilled in for next Tuesday - just incase), where we will look at a few ways for me to keep on coping, and possible situations that could come up and knock me off track. Also, who knows after a game of hunt the vein tomorrow I might need a bit of therapy!

One final thing - if you ever get 5 mins Google Cyndi Lauper's "True Colours" lyrics. We've decided that is my song now (a throwback to the painting session I had) - cos at bl**din last I'm getting there!! :)

Bank Holiday

It's the Bank Holiday weekend, and true to form it has just started to rain. I'm off to a barbeque later as well... Great.

I'm still feeling pretty good, and life is busy. I've had a new hairdo (I LOVE getting my hair done now), I would never have had my hair cut short before but since I've been bald any hair seems long!

I don't like to give cancer much headspace at the moment. Then, now and again I worry that I am getting complacent and have a little panic that I am going to jinx myself by trying to lead a normal life. It's like I am having to dare myself to live. But hey, what is life without risks?

Just as I am stepping away from cancer land, I have an appointment at the hospital this week as part of the trial I am taking part in. So, here's hoping my veins want to play along this time cos playing hunt the vein isn't much fun these days :(