Long time no post...

I haven't felt the need to post here for a long time. I suppose I have been enjoying life away from cancerland. Unfortunately I find myself there again... No - it's not a dreaded recurrance or anything. It's just taking up too much of my headspace just now. I need to offload so here I am, offloading.

First up, I am forced to think about cancer again as I am back at the hospital this week. Tomorrow I will be prodded and poked. I hate being prodded and poked. How undignified it is to have to show a complete stranger your mutilated body. Sounds dramatic?? Well, sadly it's the truth. My body is mutilated. I have one boob, and a very unsightly scar at the other side. Not nice. But the doctors need to check me, so I must lose all pride and show all again tomorrow.

Then I have the fun of sitting there while some poor sod tries to find a vein to put the drugs into. This gets harder each time, and I seem to be dreading it more and more as time goes by. That's not right is it? Surely I should be getting used to it by now! Hey ho.

As for emotions. All over the place at the mo. I have friends in dire situations and other friends who don't get how that affects me. It's difficult for everyone I suppose, but hard as I try to move away from cancerland it's always there in the back of my mind. I don't have the luxury of being able to pretend it wasn't part of my life. It IS part of my life, even a few years on.

So, that's me at the moment. All a bit mixed up really. Hopefully now I have put it in words I can move on again.

Needles and bruises

Just a quick update to let you know I had another treatment (zoledronic acid) up at the hospital this week. Saw a new Oncologist, who was very pleasant but couldn't find half of my notes, hadn't filled in my chart properly and was struggling with his English. Can't say I had much faith in him really. I was going to ask about my teeth/jaw as I have been suffering with a bit of dental pain recently - nothing too bad but my teeth seem to have gone quite sensitive recently and one of the side effects of the drug I'm having is osteonecrosis of the jaw (where the blood supply to your bone is lost which causes the bone to die - nice!). Anyhow, I decided I'll ask my dentist when I go next month instead!! He is the expert on teeth after all and knows all about my medical history. Maybe I'll ask him for an x-ray...

So, all that took an hour and a bit (I was in with the doc for all of 5 minutes)! Then I went off to the chemo suite and waited some more. Finally got in and had a different nurse doing my treatment (a bloke - and very nice he was too!! I do like to try and find something good about going there!). It took him over half an hour to get the cannula in. We were all ready to go with it stuck half way up my arm, but then the pesky thing stopped flowing. So few more attempts and then finally got it stuck in my thumb - ouch! More bruises...

So that's it for 3 months again now. Next appointment is on 7 November. That will be my penultimate 3 monthly one I think (this was number 12), so will soon be onto 6 monthly trips (I think it changes after number 14). Maybe my veins will like the break...

I have at least one good vein :)

Yes, yes, yes!! I was at the hospital today for another infusion of zoledronic acid and the lovely chemo nurse got the cannula in first time!!!! I can't tell you how good that feels. No bruises or anything this time. Fab!!

Also saw the Oncologist who after a really good prod and poke said everything is still ok. Thank god for that!!

So, no more hospital until August and I think I only have another 3 or 4 quarterly appointments to go to then it's 6 monthly ones! Imagine a whole 6 months without a hospital appointment...

Bank Holiday

It's the Bank Holiday weekend, and true to form it has just started to rain. I'm off to a barbeque later as well... Great.

I'm still feeling pretty good, and life is busy. I've had a new hairdo (I LOVE getting my hair done now), I would never have had my hair cut short before but since I've been bald any hair seems long!

I don't like to give cancer much headspace at the moment. Then, now and again I worry that I am getting complacent and have a little panic that I am going to jinx myself by trying to lead a normal life. It's like I am having to dare myself to live. But hey, what is life without risks?

Just as I am stepping away from cancer land, I have an appointment at the hospital this week as part of the trial I am taking part in. So, here's hoping my veins want to play along this time cos playing hunt the vein isn't much fun these days :(

Is it that time already?

I was back up at the hospital today.

Onc had a good old prod and poke around my neck, shoulders, mastectomy scar, ribs etc. She even looked in my mouth cos there can be probs in there with the drug I'm having. All this within an hour of my actual appointment time - so far so good!

She seemed pleased with my progress and said I was doing just fine (needed to hear that today, been feeling a bit down in the bc department).

Then I trotted off to the chemo suite, and only had about an hours wait there before I got my treatment. New nurse, who I have never seen before had a go at my veins and managed to give me a bruise on the knuckle of my little finger. She seemed surprised when I said OUCH!! She gave up then, and asked one of the others to have a go. She managed to get it in a vein on the knuckle of my thumb, which also hurt like hell but at least it worked. Another bruise forming there though.

Was all done by lunchtime so went to work. Typical, now I'm at work I get sorted out super fast!

One lovely thing today, there were 2 girls in having chemo and we got chatting. They were really pleased to talk to someone who was at the "other side" of chemo, and were really giddy about my hair. It felt good to think I made them smile, even if only for a while.

Penultimate chemo!

I'm back and have had my penultimate chemo. They asked me a few questions about how I was feeling, and suspect that I have/had/am fighting off some kind of infection. They didn't seem too concerned, so I'm not any more and the pain seems to be wearing off now. Funny that.

My veins will also be relieved next week when they won’t get attacked every couple of weeks or so. I think they will last another week, but not much longer. They couldn’t use the back of my hand this week (they tried - ouch!!), so have started on my wrist now. It’s a good job there weren’t any new patients in this week, cos I wasn’t a very good advert for having a cannula inserted. I didn’t scream or swear, but my face will have given it away that it wasn’t the most pleasant experience!!

Tonight I'm off out for meal with some friends. It's the first time we will have all been out for over a year, cos with one thing and another we haven't been very sociable. Not the best day for me to go out, but it's one friend's birthday and she has had a really tough year so I'll grin and bear it for her. Just hope the steroids keep me going!!