Mammo mia here I go again

It's been a few months since I posted, but as it is summer it means one thing...Mammogram.

I had it a couple of weeks ago and have been nervously waiting for the results since then. I try to kid myself and everyone I know that it's just routine, it's nothing, test results - what test results?? But underneath this calm exterior is a real worrier. Wondering what every glance means in the waiting room. Did the radiographer just look at me in a sympathetic way then?? Has she seen something when she quickly checked the film? Have they sent me to this room (where I was diagnosed) because that is the bad news room?? Cancer really does mess with your head!

So, when I saw the envelope on the doormat I felt sick. I can recognise an NHS letter at 20 paces now you know! You can't imagine the relief that flooded through me when I saw the words:

"there are no radiological features to cause any concern"

Phew!

Work situation continues to be a complete nightmare sadly - but I am going to try to enjoy this nice feeling of relief for a couple of days at least!

Home Sweet Home?

I've been home, oooo all of 12 hours - here's an update.

• Mammogram results!! (good news part 1)

Letter was waiting in amongst the incredible amount of junk mail that has arrived while I was away. It says

I am pleased to inform you that there are no radiological features to cause any
concern. I hope this information will relieve any anxieties or fears you may
have been feeling

So, I have dodged the bullet yet again this year. Phew!! And for the record it has relieved any anxieties or fears I have been feeling. Well, some of them!

• Holiday (good news part 2)

I got home at about 3am this morning from possibly the best holiday I have ever had. I'd show you some pics but am having a few IT problems today, I don't think my brain has caught up with the rest of me yet. If you haven't ever been - please do try to visit one of the Greek Islands at some point in your life. This time was Santorini, a stunning and beautiful island with possibly some of the best food I have ever eaten. I contemplated checking myself in as cargo on the way home - haha. A completely relaxing fortnight though, as far away from all my troubles as I could possibly get. Wonderful, and a feeling I would like to cling onto for a while longer... Which brings me onto

• Work (not so good news...or is it?)

I had a message to contact my boss when I got home, as I am/was due to go back into work tomorrow. I told them before I went on leave I wouldn't be getting another sick note. I don't want to feel like a skiver any more (the 2 weeks in Santorini has been leave - not sick, I would have felt a fraud). I am not ill, it's my workplace that has the problem. Anyway, I digress...

My boss was, as ever, very lovely when I spoke to her this morning. She said she doesn't want me spoiling the effects of my holiday and is giving me the rest of this week off (gardening leave?). She also has a few days off and does not want me to return to work with no support there. Next Tuesday I am starting my phased return, by meeting my 2 bosses for a coffee to discuss what's going to happen when I go back... That could be interesting! On Wednesday I have a meeting with an Occupational Health Adviser and after that if all goes to plan I will go into work for a few hours. Gulp.

So - that's me I guess. I will try and make the most of the rest of my extended time off and may have to visit my caravan for a few days... Anyone would think I was allergic to staying in my own bed!

Friday 13th

Well, it's almost over... phew!

I'm not a fan of Friday 13th, not since I was diagnosed with breast cancer on one anyhow! But to try and break from superstition I went ahead with my routine mammogram today. Just got the 3 week wait for the dreaded results now... If you are reading this, please cross your fingers for me!

I've been speaking to my boss at work today too. Things seem to be spiralling out of control there. I don't know how I am going to face going back there in a few weeks. I'm going to try not to think about that until my return is more imminent. I felt really upset about it all again earlier today but hopefully now I've got it out of my system again I can put it back in a box for a while.

I probably won't be on here much for the next couple of weeks, as I will be sunning myself in Greece. I didn't realise when I booked it just how much I would need this holiday right now!!

Gulp...

It's that time of year again.

I've just received my mammogram appointment letter. It's on Friday 13th June. Now, I'm not superstitious really but as I was diagnosed on a Friday 13th I can't help but feel a bit nervous about the date. Plus, I'm going to have to go away on holiday waiting for results now. Dammit. That happened last year and I was recalled...

Right - time to get a mantra I think "this will not phase me, this will not phase me....". I guess I could phone and ask for another appointment - but I won't. It's just a date...

Reading between the lines

Not posted anything on here for a while, which is good cos that means I have been far away fom cancer land. Had a brief return there this week though when I finally received my letter confirming the results of my mammogram and ultrasound. It says:

I am very pleased to see that your repeat mammogram and ultrasound scan of the left breast on 5.7.07 has shown no cause for concern.

You should continue to receive appointments for a mammogram each May until 2022, all being well, on our surveillance programme.

Now, call me picky but was it really necessary to put those 3 words "all being well" in there?? I fully intend on still being here in 2022, but I don't need reminding that my future is uncertain...

Little known side effect of breast cancer, the ability to read between the lines!

I've been to the hospital today...

...… and to save you skim reading to find the important bits - EVERYTHING IS OK.

However it was a really horrible stressful morning. Look up these words in a dictionary:

Fear
Upset
Relief

and you will see my face next to them. Talk about rollercoasters…

Anyhow, the reason I had been recalled from my last mammogram was cos there was an "area of concern" on the one I had a few weeks ago. There was as well, even I could see it! Cue fear setting in… They wanted to do another one to see if it was just a bit of overlapping tissue. Got squished again, then she started drawing lines on me (now I feel really sick) and goes off to have a look at the films. Then she says I have to go for an ultrasound, and as she takes me there she puts her hand on my shoulder and says "good luck". WTF!?!? Why do I need good luck???

So onto the ultrasound, he took AGES doing it and kept going back to the same bit. I'm starting to get into a bit of a state now, thinking the worst. He asks me if I have felt any lumps or anything, I haven't and I'm thinking WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME??? Argh. The he starts being all nice to me, trying to make me laugh and my paranoia is saying he's softening the blow, he's gonna hit me with it in a minute. I am now smearing the goo he put on me to do the ultrasound all over the place - up my arm, even onto my face. I can't even wipe stuff off me properly by this point!! (honestly, if it wasn't so traumatic it would be funny!). He then tells me to take a seat, I think I have stopped breathing by this point and he says "Everything is ok…" and I don't hear any other words cos I just burst into tears! I'm now covered in goo, crying (and probably got snot bubbles coming out of my nose!). I'm apologising, and he says "don't worry, it's nice" ?! (he was a bit of alright actually, not your typical doctor type, a bit rough and ready with a scouse accent - every cloud…). Finally I composed myself and he actually explained it all to me - that basically these things happen, blah blah blah and he can't assure me it won't happen again next time. I then get into narky mode, and ask why they couldn't have done all this 3 weeks ago, why did I have to get the scary letters, sleepless nights etc. He then explains all their daft systems to me, I start to lose interest and just want to get out of there FAST.

So, that's another trauma out of the way. I have spent most of the rest of the day with a drink in my hand. I think I deserved a couple!!

Back to earth with a bump...

Got home from Portugal today (had a lovely holiday!) and had a letter waiting for me... It says:

"The radiologist is not quite happy with the pictures. I think that it is just because of the position of the breast, and I shall ask them to send for you again in order to make sure that there is nothing else requiring investigation

I hope that we will then be able to reassure you that all is well."

Shit!

Back to the hospital this Thursday...

Ouch

I had my mammogram today. Not a pleasant experience! If you have never had one - just imagine having your boob squashed in a vice and you will have a pretty good idea of what it is like! Ouchy ouchy ouch.

I have to confess to feeling a bit wobbly today. I decided to go on the bus (avoid the car park!) but that didn't work cos I still had to walk through it. Durr!! I felt sick as I walked into the hospital, I don't have good memories of that place. I feel I need to explain a bit here... the hospital where I go for my mammos is a different one to where I had my ops and treatment, but it's the one where I was diagnosed. So I have only been back there twice since diagnosis and it just feels so, erm...horrible there.

The mammo itself was ok I suppose, I get the results "sometime in the next 3 weeks", so back to the waiting game again. I don't mean this in a cruel way, but people I know who haven't had cancer don't really get what waiting for results feel like for me. I try and explain to friends how I feel, but they don't get it really. They mean well when they say the things they do but I just don't think they understand the turmoil I go through. I guess having a friend affected by cancer when you are still pretty young is hard though...

I digress...back to today. I had to strip off to the waist and then sit in a waiting room in a lovely hospital gown. This is a horrible experience when you only have one boob. I felt really self conscious. By now I am feeling quite emotional too. The radio was on, and Daniel Powter - "Bad Day" came on. How apt! Managed not to cry in public though, so was quite pleased about that!

Then I got called through and the radiographer was really lovely, a really bubbly person and she put me at ease. Well as much as possible! What a strange job that must be, squashing people's boobs all day!

Back into the waiting room then, while they check the films (to make sure they have got a good enough "picture"). Must have been ok cos I was then told I could go.

So, I am now going to dread the arrival of the NHS envelope for the next 3 weeks... Is it possible to keep everything crossed for 3 weeks I wonder?

Just when you thought it was safe to look at the post...

...another reminder of cancer pops through the letterbox.

On Thursday I received my appointment for my annual mammogram. The appointment was when I will be on holiday (13 days to go!!) so I had to phone up to change it. I got a cancellation, for this Wednesday...the 13th...

I felt sick when I put the phone down. I mean, I should be glad - get it out of the way and all that. But it did make me feel physically sick. I doubt I will get my results for a few weeks, so its back to the waiting game again.

Oh, and it means I have to go back to the place where all this started. Even the car park there makes me feel queasy...

Argh!

Mammogram - the results

The dreaded brown envelope arrived this morning (bit quicker than 4 weeks!) and it says "I am please to inform you there is no abnormality to be seen".

Phew!

I'm so relieved.

Mammogram part 2

I've had my boob squished, and the results "will be posted to you in 4 weeks". So I'm gonna try and forget about it until the dreaded envelope appears. I might be wrong in thinking like this....but I have decided that if they had seen anything suspicious they would have sent me through for an ultrasound, like they did when I first went to the clinic last year. I know I don't get the results for 4 weeks, but they do have a quick glance at the slides to make sure they don't need to do them again. Anyway, that's my theory and I'm sticking to it!

I have to confess to having a little cry when I got back into the car. It just took me back to last year going back there (the hospital where they do the mammograms is a different one to where I had surgery/chemo etc). When they left me sat in the mammogram room (while they checked my slides) I nearly burst into tears then. Crikey! So, I've decided not to bother going into work this afternoon cos I am a bit emotional.

Mammogram

I've got my first follow up mammogram in an hour, and I feel sick. I hardly slept last night cos I couldn't stop thinking about it. I never used to be a worrier, so this still feels really alien to me. I don't know why but it seems worse cos I've just gone back into "normal" world by going back to work and WHAM I'm back into poorly, hospital world today.