Saying goodbye

I chose, for many reasons, not to attend the funeral of my friend today.

However, at 3pm - the time of her funeral - I took myself off to the quietest spot I could find (I work in a city centre) and released a balloon with a note for her tied to it. I cried for her, and the fact that I am angry that cancer has taken her away so young.

Later, there was a shower - really heavy rain, followed by a rainbow. I'll always think of her when I see a rainbow now.

Love ya Dee xxx

Overreacting?

I've had a funny couple of months, a time where I have begun to wonder if I am now a different person to the one I was before cancer.

The thing is, before cancer I was quite a happy-go-lucky type of girl. I was having fun, and enjoying a pretty carefree life. I worked hard, and then played hard too. Life was good.

Then along came the cancer diagnosis, the treatment, hospitals etc and I was forced to take a huge step away from my normal life. No work, and very little play. In the meantime the world kept spinning, but maybe I got left behind a bit? Friends moved on, had families, got divorced, started families etc. I was just the poor sod who had cancer, who was being so "brave"...

So - treatment ends and I try to go back to normal. I found this very difficult after a year out! This took me by surprise to be honest. Surely I should have been feeling great?? Seems that isn't quite how it works! But, another year on I am still wondering what the hell has happened to the old me. I think I have lost her forever, and I am probably still in mourning over that. The new me is much more emotional, and I "overreact" (not my words) now. Hmm. I think the truth is I just react now. I was so content before cancer, things didn't phase me, I brushed them off. I can't do that now. The world seems to be a very different place to me now.

Like I say, a funny few months where I seem to be moving further away from some friends who can't "get" the new me. I can't blame them I suppose, I don't get me either sometimes.

Long time no post...

I haven't felt the need to post here for a long time. I suppose I have been enjoying life away from cancerland. Unfortunately I find myself there again... No - it's not a dreaded recurrance or anything. It's just taking up too much of my headspace just now. I need to offload so here I am, offloading.

First up, I am forced to think about cancer again as I am back at the hospital this week. Tomorrow I will be prodded and poked. I hate being prodded and poked. How undignified it is to have to show a complete stranger your mutilated body. Sounds dramatic?? Well, sadly it's the truth. My body is mutilated. I have one boob, and a very unsightly scar at the other side. Not nice. But the doctors need to check me, so I must lose all pride and show all again tomorrow.

Then I have the fun of sitting there while some poor sod tries to find a vein to put the drugs into. This gets harder each time, and I seem to be dreading it more and more as time goes by. That's not right is it? Surely I should be getting used to it by now! Hey ho.

As for emotions. All over the place at the mo. I have friends in dire situations and other friends who don't get how that affects me. It's difficult for everyone I suppose, but hard as I try to move away from cancerland it's always there in the back of my mind. I don't have the luxury of being able to pretend it wasn't part of my life. It IS part of my life, even a few years on.

So, that's me at the moment. All a bit mixed up really. Hopefully now I have put it in words I can move on again.

Feeling better...

I'm feeling a bit better...

Some of my friends came out of the woodwork today - I almost started to think they had been reading this! One phoned me, and 2 others texted me and I've been round to another's house for a bottle of wine and a curry. I know they'd say I should just ask for help, but I find it hard. I'm fiercely independent, so it doesn't come naturally to me to admit I need help. I just expect them to know. Silly really. Plus I do get envious when they are all doing the stuff "normal" people in their 30's do, while I feel like it's all passing me by. I'll stop this now - I'm starting to get miserable again...