Session number four...

Started off really good, cos we had a bit of a review and I have sorted a lot of things out (i.e. been swimming, become more sociable etc). I'm also feeling a lot happier about the impending holiday, now it's closer and I have sorted out the swimming cozzie side (who'd have thought a piece of lycra could be so significant, and going swimming could be such an emotional event!).

However, I had a couple of other issues about the holiday (like do I make sure I don't wander around with one boob? or do I act like I would at home on my own? How do I deal with the inevitable questions from the kids if I don't put my falsie in first thing in a morning, blah blah blah). All easy stuff to chat about, and I'm going to play it all by ear but I feel more prepared now.

But, she has quite rightly pointed out that I let my head "win" and don't allow my emotions out if at all possible. I'm having really mixed emotions at the moment. I feel great when I'm occupied doing things I enjoy (I only stayed in one night last week, was out and about the rest of the time - felt fab, and more like the old me). But, when it comes to normal, mundane day to day stuff (work comes into this category at the moment I'm afraid) I find myself feeling anxious/annoyed/upset (delete as appropriate - but only when I'm on my own!!).

I also said I feel a bit odd at the moment cos this time last year I was in the last week of radiotherapy, so on the one hand I feel elated that it is a year ago and I'm still here but on the other hand I feel worried that now I have had a year without aggressive treatments what is going on now...

Anyway, lots of other things have come out. She thinks there is a link between my dad dying from cancer, and the way I feel at the moment (and I didn't even realise I had mentioned him much!). I think she's right, my close experience of cancer is you have it, you have a lot of treatment, then you die (sorry to be blunt). Plus I am emotionally very like my dad, he didn't do upset either (in fact none of my family do). But, will I give in and let it all out so I can try and deal with it (and the things she doesn't think I have actually dealt with in the past) - will I chuff!

So next week is painting/drawing with my left hand... She knows I think it is a lot of nonsense but she wants to try and beat the strong logical part of my brain into submission to allow the emotional bit to have it's say. Watch this space... (I reckon we'll just find out I am ambidextrous!).