Today's session went ok I suppose. I'm not in a bad place today, but she still managed to evoke some emotion from me that I didn't realise was lurking there, deep inside. It seems I have real problems with holidays... I'll try explain.
Pre bc I went on lots and lots of holidays every year, usually booked at the last minute and I loved jetting off here there and everywhere. Then, in Jan 2005 I decided it would be a good idea to book something for that summer, early for a change. So I did and all was good. Then, I was diagnosed in May and had to cancel it and ended up starting chemo on the week I should have gone away... Cancelling it was a farce, and of course I was peeved that I couldn't go away. So now, the thought of pre booking anything fills me with dread, cos I worry that something will happen and I have to cancel. I felt "forced" into booking a family holiday to Cyprus last September and I have, deep down, been fretting about it ever since.Plus there is the added complication that the type of holiday I love is a bit difficult now, ie I used to go away and do very little, laze in the sun, read etc... Should keep out of the sun more (rads), can't get suitable swimwear (lopsided, scars etc), struggle to get suitable clothing (too fat - body issues!), don't want to get hot (sensitive skin/prosthesis uncomfortable), can't read (no concentration/now need specs), extortionate insurance (like being fined for having cancer!) . The list goes on....So, my "mission" for the next week or so (am off work for a week next week) is to address the swimwear problem. There is a specialist shop that I have put off going to, cos I really don't know what I will do if I can't find something. Hopefully I will find something, but if I don't I will just need to deal with that at the time....She has also suggested I write a bit of an autobiography, to try and figure out times in my life when I was really happy and see if it helps me get some idea of where I see myself going now. Cos that is a big problem... I don't know what I want out of my lidfe any more, but I do know I'm sick of just existing She says this might help, and I should dig out old photos etc. She did warn me I might find it painful though. I'll give it a go...
At least my blood tests went ok today - I had a good phlebotomist! I am back at the hospital tomorrow for my trial drug. More about that another day..
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