Session number eight...

I'm not quite as buoyant (hyper?) as I was last week. Not feeling particularly bad, and when you take into account all the additional stress I am under this week (off on holiday this Sunday so I'm busy at work, have got all my packing to do and a wedding to go to first!).

So, discussed where I'm at (we always start off with that). I am feeling happier, I don't spend as much time moping around, feeling depressed (not having any spare time helps!!) and I don't feel like I am dwelling on the past as much as I was. In fact, I started this blog over the weekend and have put bits from these e mails and the diaries I've been keeping since December 2005 on here. Kind of like emptying my head out, and hoping that it will help me move on. Plus it is a place I can come to empty any other thoughts I have in the future...

Just the future to sort out then! I still have a problem with that, and although I don't feel I am just "existing" any more I am still living very much for the moment and daren't look into the future. This isn't necessarily a problem, but it is for me cos I don't like the fact I am scared to plan things in advance. So, we did a lot of What If...? things. Like:

What if I die young, what would I want to do with my life?

What if I live to a ripe old age, what would I want to do with my life?

Do I want to live my life like it is short? if I do, what do I want to do? Then, if I live for a long time I will at least look back and be happy about all the things I did. if I die young, I won't regret wasting my life. Great ideas, but trust me it's easier said than done...and quite painful really.

It appears I am a bit weird about my birthday too (it's later this week). I really do want it to pass by quite unnoticed, and despite everyone nagging me I have managed to get away without sorting any kind of "celebration" out. This is linked to me not wanting to plan, and my "superstition" about booking anything nice (also missed out on some concert tickets this weekend cos of me dithering about them). Oh, and it being a bit of a weird time of year for me too (2 years ago I had just discovered the lump...)

Bit of homework for me... I'm going to bite the bullet and organise a piss up/weekend away with some of my friends to celebrate my (belated) birthday. But, I'm not to beat myself up about it if I don't do it... She did say that she thinks this is actually a massive thing to get my head round, but maybe doing something nice, not too far in the future might help me along the way. I can already feel the excuses building up in my mind though!

So, not all bad but still room for improvement and I am still going to go back to see her after my (and her) holidays. This means I won't see her until May 8th! She wasn't too happy about this, and has made me promise to phone the centre to see someone else if I have a crisis. I however think it will be good for me to "fly solo" for a while and see how I get on. I know I am much better than I was, but as they say the proof is in the pudding...