Well, today was a weird one! I definitely thought it was going to be my last one today, cos in all honesty I'm bored of talking about me now and really think I have made some changes recently...
So, we started off with me being a bit giggly (too much choc-o-milk this morning!). I was feeling very buoyant though, and after a "guess the baby" competition at work this morning where I laughed like I haven't for the last couple of years. I was on a bit of a high, and dare I say it felt quite like the old me (i.e. daft!). Maybe it was the after effects of the stress management course I'd been on this morning too (or maybe not!!). I did say though, that perhaps the fact I had been out of the office all morning had made a difference (I do feel myself plummet on a Tuesday when I get back to work after my 3 days away). Plus, I think I am starting to feel a bit end of termy, seeing as I go on holiday soon and it is my birthday next week. I even picked a yellow cup this morning (a throwback to my drawing last week!).
We then discussed all the things I feel good about, like:
1) Swimming
2) Reading (I have read half a book in a week, first time in 2 years!)
3) Managing to get into work early today (sounds like nothing, but another hurdle for me!).
4) Laughing, proper laughing, not just going through the motions stuff.
So, so far so good. But, in the midst of me waffling on she yet again picked up on a couple of things:
1) I won't plan things in advance
2) I won't ask for help, yet I'm happy to help everyone else.
The planning in advance thing is hard... It's my fear of the future that holds me back here (and I can't get the association of book holiday = diagnosed with cancer = cancel holiday thing out of my brain). I won't plan anything more than a few weeks in advance, I just can't look that far into the future. So, that means no social events, no home improvements, no holidays etc etc until the last minute (which then means I am flying round last minute - more stress!). Mixed in with this is the fear of spending money, hard to get it out of your head once you've ended up on no pay. So I'm hoarding my savings again, just incase... So, she thinks I need to start planning little, unimportant things say a month in the future, then 6 weeks etc etc, then move onto bigger more important things.
The asking for help thing is hard to deal with, cos I don't really know why I'm like I am, it's just how I always have been (at least as far as I can remember). I've always been very independent, and good at helping other people out but don't want to ask for anything in return. She keeps touching on this subject, but we don't ever come up with an answer. I think she thinks there is something I'm not telling her, but I don't think there is (or I don't know what it is anyway!). It's the same as the why do I find it hard to talk about my feelings thing. I just do.
So, I'm off up again next week. Cos although I feel loads better, and have sorted quite a lot of things out in my life I still have problems with the future (I'm still stood at a crossroads and don't know where I'm going!). Oh dear...
Swimming is good though, did 30 lengths last night.
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