Session number six...

I've been to see my counsellor again this afternoon. Not as emotional as last week, but still had lots to discuss! I even had a go at drawing (!), more about that later...

I've been feeling quite flat/deflated over the last week. Problem is I can't put my finger on exactly why, but I know when I start blubbing while watching Fame Academy something isn't right!! This lead to a discussion about how I can let my emotions out (in private) to try and stop them just seeping out now and again. So, as music seems to trigger off some emotion I'm going to try and put a weepy one on (like Coldplay - Fix You, always makes me blub cos it was on the radio when I was having radiotherapy once...), or maybe a manic, stomp your feet one if I just feel pissed off and want a good rant, rave, RARR type thing.

Also, I've been on a hen night this weekend, which was fab and I had a really good time. But, I got all worried about it on Thursday last week when I discovered it might be 3 to a room in the hotel. I'm very comfortable with people who know me, cos they have seen me in my full lopsidedness before but the thought of sharing a room with a stranger...not good! (Although, it doesn't bother me when the leccy man comes to the house and catches me in my pjs - how weird am I?!?). As it turned out, me and a friend had a room for 2 when we got there but yet again it was something I wouldn't have worried about before, in fact I wouldn't have given a toss. On the other hand, the weekend was good - and apart from my friend and the hen, no-one knew about me having cancer so it was really nice to have a laugh with people who just took me as they found me. But, I did find myself feeling really envious of everyone at one point when I started to flag a bit and, well I just didn't feel like I used to. I just wanted to be "normal" like them, so that makes me feel sad when I remember I'm not.

Anyway, onto the drawing. We both feel like we keep going round in circles and although things do keep coming out we don't really have any direction. Cue the pastel crayons... In all honesty, I thought/think it is a load of tosh. But, I thought I'd give it a go. It showed I have a whole load of emotions/rubbish piled up and the real/old/new me is buried somewhere underneath. However, the me I let out in public is quite the opposite, "happy" me on the top covering up all the emotions/rubbish piled up underneath. I need to let "real" me win, and come through from the bottom in private to deal with my "issues" but I also need to let other people see that there is more underneath the shiny happy bit I put on show. So, my picture was upside down really. Interestingly, I didn't "draw" cancer in the picture of me though...