Saying goodbye

I chose, for many reasons, not to attend the funeral of my friend today.

However, at 3pm - the time of her funeral - I took myself off to the quietest spot I could find (I work in a city centre) and released a balloon with a note for her tied to it. I cried for her, and the fact that I am angry that cancer has taken her away so young.

Later, there was a shower - really heavy rain, followed by a rainbow. I'll always think of her when I see a rainbow now.

Love ya Dee xxx

Life Coaching - session 3

This week’s session was really good again, although not the Sumo session I was expecting. I think that will be next time (not next week cos she is on holiday). Not as much theory this week, so this shouldn’t take me long to type!

Basically we broke down some of the things that are and will cause me to feel stressed at work. She calls this “Uncovering Stress”. She said we have to break things down because if I just think the problem is work – the whole thing – I might as well give up now and get another job.

So, we went through a few points and broke them up into little headings:

What is the root of my stress

I’ll use one example through all these points – me holding team meetings. The last time I did that was very uncomfortable!

What are my feelings

I feel very anxious and sick.

What behaviour is provoked? (My behaviour – not anyone elses)

I feel uncomfortable and there are awkward silences.

Who is responsible?

They are.

What do I control?

Where people sit and how the meeting will “flow” (back to me taking the mic!).

What am I going to do and when am I going to do it?

Change the way everyone sits. Don’t sit with me at one “side” and all of the team sat as far away as possible. Make people sit closer, in a circle and make sure key people who will offer support are spread around the circle so I have people I can look at in different points in that circle. I’m going to start by sitting at the other “side” to normal – so they can’t all huddle round. I will take that spot, I will have control.

She also said I should use the advice I got from the mediation service – use silence when waiting for responses, ask closed questions etc.

Finally she said I shouldn’t set myself up – I should prepare for the worst, and make sure I tense up all my muscles etc before I start the meeting and then relax when I do start so I at least give the appearance of being relaxed and in control. I should expect there will be a lot of negativity in my direction, and as I am expecting it I won’t act shocked or surprised. I will be in control (I’ll keep repeating that bit to myself - today has been a hard day!!).

So – I am now to use these headings for anything else that crops up, and make sure I come up with some answers to the last point for each of them. Hopefully along with all the other tips she has given me I’ll get there.

End of lesson :)

Life Coaching - session 2

A little late... Here’s an update on last Monday's session – more useful tips coming right up…!

We talked about how the brain works, and how you can train it to work differently (there is a fancy name for this - neuro linguistic programming I think!). It’s all to do with the things in your subconscious mind and how “normally” you can keep a lid on the more negative things. However, when you feel depressed or stressed this becomes more difficult. She said to think of my mind like a large cardboard box (I laughed in my subconscious mind then – my mind does often feel like an empty box!). Inside that box is a tube of toothpaste, the negative thoughts. When things are going well, the toothpaste just rattles around in there. When things are going bad – the box gets crushed and out squirts all the toothpaste.

Still with me? So, onto what happens when the toothpaste is squirting all over the place…

80% of the thoughts you have are down to what you “hear”. Things people say, do, the tone used, body language and your perception of this. You take in the negative things, and as she quite rightly said you don’t lay in bed at night remembering the positive things people said to you that day…! This is how your mind works (especially in Britain, we “like” to be negative). It dismisses the good and dwells on the bad if you let it. This in turn affects your subconscious mind. Vicious circle coming right up… When your subconscious mind is getting overwhelmed with all this negativity it affects your feelings, your body language, behaviour etc and makes you feel depressed. So you take in more of the negative thoughts, and go back to the beginning all over again…

So, now time for some brain training! I had to think of some negative/limiting beliefs I have. I won’t fill up my blog with it all, but here is an example of one of them:

I believe that people don’t like me and I have lost my self confidence (in myself and my abilities). This has come from the situation at work. This has already had negative consequences – stress and time off work. If I don’t do anything to change it, I will lose my sanity and possibly my job as I won’t feel I can continue.

So – time to kick the old grey matter into touch and turn it around. New way to look at it is:

My old belief that people don’t like me is rubbish. I now believe I’m liked and loved by the people who matter to me. The situation at work says everything about them and nothing about me.

Same situation, different outlook/belief.

I’ve got to think these kinds of thought all the time now – to train my brain into reacting in a more positive way. I even have to consciously change my body language to stop any negative beliefs. She said she was taught to put her finger up her nose when she started to think of things in a negative way (!) but thought that was a bit odd. I have a new technique though which I like a lot.

Bit of “science”… currently in my stressed/depressed state I have a motorway to bad thoughts in my mind. It’s the quickest and easiest route so why would my brain go anywhere different? I need to put up a diversion! Apparently it takes about 10,000 attempts to do this! She said that would probably take about a fortnight, cos the mind does a lot of thinking in that time! I think I have clocked up a few hundred already today so maybe I will come off a junction early already!

I think that pretty much sums up this week’s installment. Next week is SUMO. I thought “Oh my god – what will I have to wear!!”. Apparently it stands for Shut Up Move On. I can’t wait for that!

I now really think just by changing the way I react to all this will help find a solution to it all. Make way for the new improved me – fully available in about another 6 weeks but a trial version out now!!

Strange coincidence, or something more?

I rarely wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes it takes me a while to get off to sleep but once I do I'm out for the count. Early on Monday morning I woke up (at about 2:35am). I woke myself up coughing. I was really struggling to catch my breath. So much so I ended up getting up, and had to go downstairs to get myself a drink. This went on for about half an hour... then stopped not long after 3am. Now, I don't believe in god or anything, but I can't help but think it wasn't just a co-incidence that I was up and about that night, at that time. When I got the awful news about my friend and was told she died at 3am I was just stunned. Now I feel more comforted to know I was awake at that time and she wasn't alone in the night...

I can't believe I am even typing this, it just isn't me this sort of thing. It feels really weird...

Breast cancer is a cruel disease

I lost a very good friend of mine today, a girl I never met in person but who I have shared my cancer journey with right from the very start. We went through operations and treatment "together" but sadly her journey took a very different path to mine. She was only 32.

I am really going to miss her. I can't think of any more words to say today.

Sleep well my lovely friend xx

Another appointment...

I had an appointment with my employer's mediation service a couple of days ago so I thought I'd add something about it here...

It was very emotional - that kind of surprised me to be honest. I've had a few really big sobs and gave myself a headache that lasted for 2 days! All in a good cause though, I think I have had a few more realisations which is good.

We talked round the whole situation and how I feel about it now I am back at work. I explained that I felt the atmosphere in the office was still bad, if not worse in some ways due to the ever escalating and spiralling nature of what is happening. We talked about all this in depth, but I won't bore you with the details as I think I have said enough about all that already!!

So, what have I got out of this and where am I going to go from here?

• The more personal/emotional stuff

I think I had already done this, but it was highlighted in this meeting that I am extremely hurt and disappointed that a group of people (some of whom I considered friends) have, in my opinion, behaved in such a bad way towards me resulting in me having to remove myself from work on stress grounds. This was the bit that made me cry the most. I'm severely disappointed in them and, as it isn't behaviour I would display I don't understand them. However - I have now realised I can't do anything about that. I can't change them. This is something for the Life Coach to deal with I think. I need to know how I deal with this, and putting the strong emotional feelings I have to one side. I'll let you know how I get on with this!

I did have another very emotional moment when I asked what I am supposed to do if I have more quiet and subdued moments in the future. After all, this seems to have triggered all the recent events off. I don't think we really got to a conclusion here, we all seemed unable to work that one out properly. I think the upshot of this is I have to lower my morals and standards and sometimes stay at home rather than facing work, even though I feel I am fit for work because the staff don't see it that way. I'll also discuss this with the Life Coach and see if she has any bright ideas on that one.

• Regaining confidence in my role at work

This is what I want to achieve. I want my confidence back, which is still very low. We tried to think of ways I can get control back, and to tip the balance of power in the team back into the correct place. We discussed things I felt anxious about and how I could take back control. Things like:

• Team meetings

This is a situation that was uncomfortable prior to me going off sick, as when I directed questions at people they ignored me (or claimed they didn't realise I was speaking to them...). So they suggested I do the following:

1) Use closed questions - impossible to ignore these as I will be asking for a direct, short answer. 2) Use silence - wait for a response, and wait, and wait. Take control of the silence - don't fill in the blanks. If this goes on too long - ask the question again. Then use silence again. Warn people who are responsive that you will be doing this.
3) Use forced alternative questions - Give options so people have to pick one answer. No option not to respond - you have to choose answer A or answer B.

• Changes in the office

Use this as a possible opportunity to speak to all my staff, individually. Ask people what they do currently etc, even if I already know the answer. Ask for "help" to fill in any blanks - makes people feel like their opinion is valued? The jury is still out on this one to be honest. Iknow I will struggle to speak to some who refuse to even acknowledge my existence...

• Do floor walking

Make my presence felt - so I can check things like internet activity. Can either do this silently, or use it as an opportunity to speak to people individually as I walk round.

• Taking the mic

This is a good example of how to take control back and gain confidence. Think of a comedy club, and how you would hate to sit on the front row. To be in charge means I have that microphone, and the team are sat on the front row. I have the mic, so I have the control. I need to make sure I keep hold of the mic.

• set small goals, make lists

This isn't going to go away and get better quickly, it will take time. So, each week set small challenges. Don't worry if you don't achieve them - just list the other things you did achieve. This doesn't mean you are bad and haven't achieved things - it just means you are bad at writing lists and need some practice!!

I think that is pretty much everything (in a nutshell - it was a 2 hour 15 minute discussion!). It was very useful. I now feel like I need to split myself into 2 - professional me and the real me. I'll bring professional me to work every day - a polite, professional manager but with no personal feelings. If I feel this isn't possible, then maybe I will have to consider whether I am fit for work... Like I say - something for the Life Coach there I think...

Life Coaching - session 1

Firstly, and I think most importantly I really like her. I didn’t “take” to my counsellor as quickly last year – she was an acquired taste! I think it is important that you “get on” with people like this seeing as you are hoping to get a lot of good advice and guidance from them.

Today we started with all the form filling in etc, one of which was a bit of a “How stressed out are you?” questionnaire. I got 23 out of 40. 5 is “normal”. Imagine if I had filled it in a couple of months ago!! I think I would have been off the scale then!

We then had a short discussion about the background to why I was there, which made me cry (again!!). We also discussed things like who I have in my life to support me etc so she knows what’s bugging me and who I can talk to about it.

She said what happens a lot (and I believe this is what has happened to me) is people teeter on the edge of having a complete burn out and then pull themselves away from it, only to get close to the edge again, then pull back, then get close to the edge etc until finally you drop off and completely burn out. I think I have taken a step back from the edge, but as she said today it’s obvious I am still showing signs of stress I will end up teetering again if I don’t do something to change it. The most important thing I think she said here is I can find ways to deal with this, even if the other people don’t change (although she thinks they should of course!).

So, I will be seeing her for 8 weeks and we will find lots of coping strategies for me to deal with it all. I’m really confident that this will work for me, even after just one hour! I’m really up for it to be honest. I’ll do anything to get back to being happy and confident, and not just on the face of it like I am now.

I have homework to do too. A lot of common sense things like:

• Eat 2 bananas a day, or take potassium supplements.

This should help with the constant headaches I seem to be getting. I need to check this out with my docs though – I don’t like to take supplements without finding out their interaction with other drugs/hormones etc. I’ll munch a banana or two in the meantime though if it helps!

• Drink plenty of water (2 litres a day) and keep eating healthily

Obvious really!

• Do some exercise

Pleased to see the swimming over at the caravan site will help here – another reason buying that was is such a good idea!

• Interract with nature

She was quick to point out this didn’t mean tree hugging!! I am just to take notice of my environment, and see all the lovely things there are as I wander about (focus on the positive). That’ll be easy cos I kind of do that already – a throwback from counselling.

• Laugh

Not something I have been doing a lot of! Time to get smiling and watching something funny on tv I think.

• Do kind things for people

She said there has been some research into this, and not only do you make the recipient feel better – it raises your serotonin levels too. I’m sure I won’t find this too difficult. In fact I let quite a few cars out on the drive back...

• Do 3 nice things for myself each week

I like this one a lot That should be easy. Like she said it can be something small like having a long bath, or treating yourself to something nice for lunch (healthy of course!). I am sure I will be able to do this no problem!! I might go shopping again – I could do with a new laptop haha!

So that’s my homework. Just one other thing I have to note down 3 examples of times when I have negative feelings that cause me to feel I am not confident at work. That should be a doddle too! Then we can work on coping strategies to deal with them.

I think that is about it. It all seems to be common sense really, but it already feels good just to turn the focus of my mind onto more positive things. I was already trying to do this, but this will make it much easier I am sure.

Keeping strong

I'm trying to, really I am.

Yesterday was day 2 in the lion's den. I had an almost audible response to my "morning" greeting. Or maybe someone just had wind... One person has still completely refused to even acknowledge my existence. I have purposefully tried to speak to people - delivering letters to them from the printer etc. I'm not really getting anything in response.

Another former "friend" and colleague could not disguise the contempt and disgust he feels towards me as he spoke to me yesterday - although he was trying to be professional (I think!). Shame he hasn't told his face what he was trying to achieve!

But, I was remaining buoyant, upbeat, positive and wasn't going to let it get me down again. I'm wavering today to be honest...

Back into the lion's den

I did it. I went back into work today, with my head held high and a smile on my face. I was so sugar coated I think I might actually make someone puke. Ha!

I was greeted by silence from most of my team, bless them (!). The "bullies" couldn't even look at me, or acknowledge my presence. Difference is now I don't care so they can stick that in their pipe and smoke it as far as I am concerned. A couple of people on the outskirts were a bit terse, but did at least acknowledge me. They'll get over it in time I'm sure.

I also had an appointment with Occpational Health, who are referring me to a Life Coach. That should be interesting if nothing else. I'm very interested to know what advice she can give me on dealing with these people. I see her on Monday...

I've told my manager's and Occy Health that these "bullies" have the next 3 weeks to get their act together, and get over whatever it is they have a problem with (we still don't really know what their problem is!!). Once that time is up, if there is still bad feeling towards me and an atmosphere in the office I will make a formal complaint against the bullies, and HR have already said they are confident this would result in disciplinary action. Enough is enough don't you think?

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...

I met my 3 bosses today, for 3 hours! How time flies when you are having fun!

I was very honest with them, and have told them how I feel about the people in my team, that I have no respect for them etc. However, I did explain that as I have been away from work for so long now, I'm not feeling sad, or stressed about the bad people. Quite frankly I don't care about them at all now, or what they think.

So, I'm off back in tomorrow for an hour or so before my Occupational Health appointment (which I have just had a phone call about - they've got my appointment mixed up. Good start!).

What else? Oh yes - the union rep who is representing the baddies suggested to my bosses that maybe I should move teams when I go back. I DON'T THINK SO MATEY!! My managers were disgusted with this suggestion (they think he is just passing on the main bad person's "demands" - he's new to the role and, in my opinion is making a right mess of things). As they told him, why would they move me - I haven't done anything wrong...? I then, half jokingly said that would look good under the DDA - "employer shifts cancer patient out of the way" which led onto a serious discussion about it. We think I would have a very good case under the DDA against some of my team which would quite probably result in disciplinary action being taken. They saw a weakness in my state of mind (I can't think of a better way to put that) which was ultimately related to me having had cancer and they (in my opinion)victimised/bullied/harrassed me because of it. So, I am going to mention this when I go to Occy Health tomorrow, just so it is recorded somewhere should this not work out and end up as a formal procedure. I'm ok with that. I would never have dreamt of playing the cancer card, it just isn't me. But facts are facts I suppose and it may need to be recorded somewhere if this doesn't go away.

Oh - I also have an appointment with the woman in charge of a mediation service next week - so we can discuss how I can deal with these people I hate (strong word, but true) now. I'm up for that (I once went on a course she ran - she's very good). I do think any help and support I can get to help get me over the very bad taste this has left in my mouth would be very useful.

So - after my meeting, my bosses were off to speak to the team to tell them I was coming back tomorrow. They are going to offer the support of the mediation lady to them as well (no way are we all going together though!!), and are also going to say that if any of them feel they can't cope working in there they will see if they can accomodate them in another team. Ha! I like that bit!! I may end up in an empty room tomorrow...

I asked my bosses to let me know, honestly, how the meeting went. It was 1pm and I haven't heard anything yet... No news is good news isn't it?

By the way, despite all this I'm glad to be going back. I think.

Home Sweet Home?

I've been home, oooo all of 12 hours - here's an update.

• Mammogram results!! (good news part 1)

Letter was waiting in amongst the incredible amount of junk mail that has arrived while I was away. It says

I am pleased to inform you that there are no radiological features to cause any
concern. I hope this information will relieve any anxieties or fears you may
have been feeling

So, I have dodged the bullet yet again this year. Phew!! And for the record it has relieved any anxieties or fears I have been feeling. Well, some of them!

• Holiday (good news part 2)

I got home at about 3am this morning from possibly the best holiday I have ever had. I'd show you some pics but am having a few IT problems today, I don't think my brain has caught up with the rest of me yet. If you haven't ever been - please do try to visit one of the Greek Islands at some point in your life. This time was Santorini, a stunning and beautiful island with possibly some of the best food I have ever eaten. I contemplated checking myself in as cargo on the way home - haha. A completely relaxing fortnight though, as far away from all my troubles as I could possibly get. Wonderful, and a feeling I would like to cling onto for a while longer... Which brings me onto

• Work (not so good news...or is it?)

I had a message to contact my boss when I got home, as I am/was due to go back into work tomorrow. I told them before I went on leave I wouldn't be getting another sick note. I don't want to feel like a skiver any more (the 2 weeks in Santorini has been leave - not sick, I would have felt a fraud). I am not ill, it's my workplace that has the problem. Anyway, I digress...

My boss was, as ever, very lovely when I spoke to her this morning. She said she doesn't want me spoiling the effects of my holiday and is giving me the rest of this week off (gardening leave?). She also has a few days off and does not want me to return to work with no support there. Next Tuesday I am starting my phased return, by meeting my 2 bosses for a coffee to discuss what's going to happen when I go back... That could be interesting! On Wednesday I have a meeting with an Occupational Health Adviser and after that if all goes to plan I will go into work for a few hours. Gulp.

So - that's me I guess. I will try and make the most of the rest of my extended time off and may have to visit my caravan for a few days... Anyone would think I was allergic to staying in my own bed!