Session number four...

Started off really good, cos we had a bit of a review and I have sorted a lot of things out (i.e. been swimming, become more sociable etc). I'm also feeling a lot happier about the impending holiday, now it's closer and I have sorted out the swimming cozzie side (who'd have thought a piece of lycra could be so significant, and going swimming could be such an emotional event!).

However, I had a couple of other issues about the holiday (like do I make sure I don't wander around with one boob? or do I act like I would at home on my own? How do I deal with the inevitable questions from the kids if I don't put my falsie in first thing in a morning, blah blah blah). All easy stuff to chat about, and I'm going to play it all by ear but I feel more prepared now.

But, she has quite rightly pointed out that I let my head "win" and don't allow my emotions out if at all possible. I'm having really mixed emotions at the moment. I feel great when I'm occupied doing things I enjoy (I only stayed in one night last week, was out and about the rest of the time - felt fab, and more like the old me). But, when it comes to normal, mundane day to day stuff (work comes into this category at the moment I'm afraid) I find myself feeling anxious/annoyed/upset (delete as appropriate - but only when I'm on my own!!).

I also said I feel a bit odd at the moment cos this time last year I was in the last week of radiotherapy, so on the one hand I feel elated that it is a year ago and I'm still here but on the other hand I feel worried that now I have had a year without aggressive treatments what is going on now...

Anyway, lots of other things have come out. She thinks there is a link between my dad dying from cancer, and the way I feel at the moment (and I didn't even realise I had mentioned him much!). I think she's right, my close experience of cancer is you have it, you have a lot of treatment, then you die (sorry to be blunt). Plus I am emotionally very like my dad, he didn't do upset either (in fact none of my family do). But, will I give in and let it all out so I can try and deal with it (and the things she doesn't think I have actually dealt with in the past) - will I chuff!

So next week is painting/drawing with my left hand... She knows I think it is a lot of nonsense but she wants to try and beat the strong logical part of my brain into submission to allow the emotional bit to have it's say. Watch this space... (I reckon we'll just find out I am ambidextrous!).

I'm a model...

... well I'm not really!

I've had a phone call from the people I did a fashion show with last year tonight, asking me if I'd do it again this year (it is to raise money for a local cancer charity). I've declined, but feel a bit bad for saying no. I don't think it would be a good idea for me to do it again though, it's a big commitment and in all honesty I found being surrounded by so many people with breast cancer a bit overfacing. Is that bad??

I did it! I did it! I did it!

I am BUZZING. I did 20 lengths and probably won't be able to walk tomorrow but it feels GOOD.

I was soooo worried when I set off and felt VERY self conscious when I stepped out of my cubicle in the changing rooms, but do you know what? No-one even gave me a second glance. I went with a friend and she said it looked good too.

It was easier afterwards having short hair too!! No detangling necessary!!

I actually feel quite emotional. I've leapt over a big hurdle tonight and I'm really chuffed with myself.

Session number three...

Saw counsellor yesterday. In all honesty I was thinking about packing it in when I was on the bus on the way there. After my lovely week last week (had the week off work!) I felt so much better. Anyway, I won't bore you all with details, but let's just say she unlocked a few doors and dug up a few things that we need to work on so I'm going to carry on for a while longer... I am finding it very hard though, I've always dealt with things well (in my opinion) and kept my emotions in check so all this is new for me.

She was very interested to hear how I bare my soul on the internet while I keep a lot hidden from my friends and family...

Now, I am off swimming for the first time since I had my operation. I even have a special boob to wear, called a been-a-boob http://www.janacsportswear.ca/products.htm#bab Hope it does the trick! I'm feeling half nervous, half excited.

I got one!! Well two actually!

Today I went to the mastectomy wear shop. They didn't have anything that would fit me!! The ladies in the shop were lovely, and said they were expecting some new stock in soon that would cater for my size. I left them my phone number so they could call me when these TWO styles arrive - both of which are vile and even my almost 60 year old mum thought were horrible and old fashioned.

So, I'm really pissed off at this point and decide I NEED to spend some money to cheer myself up so I trecked over to a huge M&S and guess what....I GOT TWO COZZIES!! I need to get them pocketed, but other than that they are bloody well perfect for me. Good old M&S. Will phone the specialist shop tomorrow to sort out getting pockets sewn in I think...

Grumpy

Went to bed in a right grump last night. I decided to look at all the websites that do mastectomy swimwear, and found... nothing, nada, zilch! Ended up on page 13 of the results that came when I googled "mastectomy wear", then pretty much gave up. Many sites claim to do bigger sizes, but when you actually start looking it seems I am just TOO fat or my cup size is TOO big, or they have wires in, or the ONE I did find... sold out... *sigh* So gave it up as a bad job and went to bed, feeling very deflated (not enough to fit into a blinkin cozzie though!!). I will not think about this again until I go to that shop next week.

Needles - ouch!

Seen my Oncologist this morning and he is pleased with me. Had a good prod and a poke and my bloods are all fine too. Then I had to go to the chemo suite for a treatment (I'm taking part in a trial - so have zoledronic acid, a bisphosphonate, through a drip once every 3 months). It took over 30 minutes and more than a few attempts to get a vein this time. Ouchy oucy ouch

Session number two...

Today's session went ok I suppose. I'm not in a bad place today, but she still managed to evoke some emotion from me that I didn't realise was lurking there, deep inside. It seems I have real problems with holidays... I'll try explain.

Pre bc I went on lots and lots of holidays every year, usually booked at the last minute and I loved jetting off here there and everywhere. Then, in Jan 2005 I decided it would be a good idea to book something for that summer, early for a change. So I did and all was good. Then, I was diagnosed in May and had to cancel it and ended up starting chemo on the week I should have gone away... Cancelling it was a farce, and of course I was peeved that I couldn't go away. So now, the thought of pre booking anything fills me with dread, cos I worry that something will happen and I have to cancel. I felt "forced" into booking a family holiday to Cyprus last September and I have, deep down, been fretting about it ever since.Plus there is the added complication that the type of holiday I love is a bit difficult now, ie I used to go away and do very little, laze in the sun, read etc... Should keep out of the sun more (rads), can't get suitable swimwear (lopsided, scars etc), struggle to get suitable clothing (too fat - body issues!), don't want to get hot (sensitive skin/prosthesis uncomfortable), can't read (no concentration/now need specs), extortionate insurance (like being fined for having cancer!) . The list goes on....So, my "mission" for the next week or so (am off work for a week next week) is to address the swimwear problem. There is a specialist shop that I have put off going to, cos I really don't know what I will do if I can't find something. Hopefully I will find something, but if I don't I will just need to deal with that at the time....She has also suggested I write a bit of an autobiography, to try and figure out times in my life when I was really happy and see if it helps me get some idea of where I see myself going now. Cos that is a big problem... I don't know what I want out of my lidfe any more, but I do know I'm sick of just existing She says this might help, and I should dig out old photos etc. She did warn me I might find it painful though. I'll give it a go...

At least my blood tests went ok today - I had a good phlebotomist! I am back at the hospital tomorrow for my trial drug. More about that another day..