Birthdays and holidays

It was my birthday yesterday. That's another year gone by... Hopefully I still have plenty more to come!

I'm off on holiday tonight, with my family to this lovely villa.

It's the first time abroad since I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago. In a lot of ways I have been dreading this holiday, and have had a lot of hurdles to overcome to get to this point. I have almost feared letting myself look forward to it. I do have this strange superstition about things like that now. Anyway, now the case is packed (hope I haven't forgotten anything!) I think I am almost giddy about it.

So, here goes - another step back into the real world...

Billy No Mates

Neither of my swimming buddies can go tonight, so I'm not going either. I can't decide if this is cos I am lazy or if I am actually quite scared of going on my own. It's one thing going into a public swimming pool with a false boob with friends, but on my own...

So, I think I have answered myself there. I'm scared.

I thought I had sussed this, but perhaps not :(

Session number eight...

I'm not quite as buoyant (hyper?) as I was last week. Not feeling particularly bad, and when you take into account all the additional stress I am under this week (off on holiday this Sunday so I'm busy at work, have got all my packing to do and a wedding to go to first!).

So, discussed where I'm at (we always start off with that). I am feeling happier, I don't spend as much time moping around, feeling depressed (not having any spare time helps!!) and I don't feel like I am dwelling on the past as much as I was. In fact, I started this blog over the weekend and have put bits from these e mails and the diaries I've been keeping since December 2005 on here. Kind of like emptying my head out, and hoping that it will help me move on. Plus it is a place I can come to empty any other thoughts I have in the future...

Just the future to sort out then! I still have a problem with that, and although I don't feel I am just "existing" any more I am still living very much for the moment and daren't look into the future. This isn't necessarily a problem, but it is for me cos I don't like the fact I am scared to plan things in advance. So, we did a lot of What If...? things. Like:

What if I die young, what would I want to do with my life?

What if I live to a ripe old age, what would I want to do with my life?

Do I want to live my life like it is short? if I do, what do I want to do? Then, if I live for a long time I will at least look back and be happy about all the things I did. if I die young, I won't regret wasting my life. Great ideas, but trust me it's easier said than done...and quite painful really.

It appears I am a bit weird about my birthday too (it's later this week). I really do want it to pass by quite unnoticed, and despite everyone nagging me I have managed to get away without sorting any kind of "celebration" out. This is linked to me not wanting to plan, and my "superstition" about booking anything nice (also missed out on some concert tickets this weekend cos of me dithering about them). Oh, and it being a bit of a weird time of year for me too (2 years ago I had just discovered the lump...)

Bit of homework for me... I'm going to bite the bullet and organise a piss up/weekend away with some of my friends to celebrate my (belated) birthday. But, I'm not to beat myself up about it if I don't do it... She did say that she thinks this is actually a massive thing to get my head round, but maybe doing something nice, not too far in the future might help me along the way. I can already feel the excuses building up in my mind though!

So, not all bad but still room for improvement and I am still going to go back to see her after my (and her) holidays. This means I won't see her until May 8th! She wasn't too happy about this, and has made me promise to phone the centre to see someone else if I have a crisis. I however think it will be good for me to "fly solo" for a while and see how I get on. I know I am much better than I was, but as they say the proof is in the pudding...

Session number seven...

Well, today was a weird one! I definitely thought it was going to be my last one today, cos in all honesty I'm bored of talking about me now and really think I have made some changes recently...

So, we started off with me being a bit giggly (too much choc-o-milk this morning!). I was feeling very buoyant though, and after a "guess the baby" competition at work this morning where I laughed like I haven't for the last couple of years. I was on a bit of a high, and dare I say it felt quite like the old me (i.e. daft!). Maybe it was the after effects of the stress management course I'd been on this morning too (or maybe not!!). I did say though, that perhaps the fact I had been out of the office all morning had made a difference (I do feel myself plummet on a Tuesday when I get back to work after my 3 days away). Plus, I think I am starting to feel a bit end of termy, seeing as I go on holiday soon and it is my birthday next week. I even picked a yellow cup this morning (a throwback to my drawing last week!).

We then discussed all the things I feel good about, like:

1) Swimming
2) Reading (I have read half a book in a week, first time in 2 years!)
3) Managing to get into work early today (sounds like nothing, but another hurdle for me!).
4) Laughing, proper laughing, not just going through the motions stuff.

So, so far so good. But, in the midst of me waffling on she yet again picked up on a couple of things:

1) I won't plan things in advance
2) I won't ask for help, yet I'm happy to help everyone else.

The planning in advance thing is hard... It's my fear of the future that holds me back here (and I can't get the association of book holiday = diagnosed with cancer = cancel holiday thing out of my brain). I won't plan anything more than a few weeks in advance, I just can't look that far into the future. So, that means no social events, no home improvements, no holidays etc etc until the last minute (which then means I am flying round last minute - more stress!). Mixed in with this is the fear of spending money, hard to get it out of your head once you've ended up on no pay. So I'm hoarding my savings again, just incase... So, she thinks I need to start planning little, unimportant things say a month in the future, then 6 weeks etc etc, then move onto bigger more important things.

The asking for help thing is hard to deal with, cos I don't really know why I'm like I am, it's just how I always have been (at least as far as I can remember). I've always been very independent, and good at helping other people out but don't want to ask for anything in return. She keeps touching on this subject, but we don't ever come up with an answer. I think she thinks there is something I'm not telling her, but I don't think there is (or I don't know what it is anyway!). It's the same as the why do I find it hard to talk about my feelings thing. I just do.
So, I'm off up again next week. Cos although I feel loads better, and have sorted quite a lot of things out in my life I still have problems with the future (I'm still stood at a crossroads and don't know where I'm going!). Oh dear...

Swimming is good though, did 30 lengths last night.

Good news or not?

Went swimming last night, and did 28 lengths. I think I was quicker than last week too so quite pleased about all that.

Oh, but my mums friend who went to the hospital with a lump last week went back to the hospital today. Results of the biopsy were inconclusive, so she has to go back in another 3 months... More waiting...

Waiting sucks.

Session number six...

I've been to see my counsellor again this afternoon. Not as emotional as last week, but still had lots to discuss! I even had a go at drawing (!), more about that later...

I've been feeling quite flat/deflated over the last week. Problem is I can't put my finger on exactly why, but I know when I start blubbing while watching Fame Academy something isn't right!! This lead to a discussion about how I can let my emotions out (in private) to try and stop them just seeping out now and again. So, as music seems to trigger off some emotion I'm going to try and put a weepy one on (like Coldplay - Fix You, always makes me blub cos it was on the radio when I was having radiotherapy once...), or maybe a manic, stomp your feet one if I just feel pissed off and want a good rant, rave, RARR type thing.

Also, I've been on a hen night this weekend, which was fab and I had a really good time. But, I got all worried about it on Thursday last week when I discovered it might be 3 to a room in the hotel. I'm very comfortable with people who know me, cos they have seen me in my full lopsidedness before but the thought of sharing a room with a stranger...not good! (Although, it doesn't bother me when the leccy man comes to the house and catches me in my pjs - how weird am I?!?). As it turned out, me and a friend had a room for 2 when we got there but yet again it was something I wouldn't have worried about before, in fact I wouldn't have given a toss. On the other hand, the weekend was good - and apart from my friend and the hen, no-one knew about me having cancer so it was really nice to have a laugh with people who just took me as they found me. But, I did find myself feeling really envious of everyone at one point when I started to flag a bit and, well I just didn't feel like I used to. I just wanted to be "normal" like them, so that makes me feel sad when I remember I'm not.

Anyway, onto the drawing. We both feel like we keep going round in circles and although things do keep coming out we don't really have any direction. Cue the pastel crayons... In all honesty, I thought/think it is a load of tosh. But, I thought I'd give it a go. It showed I have a whole load of emotions/rubbish piled up and the real/old/new me is buried somewhere underneath. However, the me I let out in public is quite the opposite, "happy" me on the top covering up all the emotions/rubbish piled up underneath. I need to let "real" me win, and come through from the bottom in private to deal with my "issues" but I also need to let other people see that there is more underneath the shiny happy bit I put on show. So, my picture was upside down really. Interestingly, I didn't "draw" cancer in the picture of me though...

Blackpool - Go For It!

I have had such a good weekend in Blackpool. It was a really tacky, cheesy hen night and I loved every minute of it!! There were 22 of us altogether and we had a riot. The afternoon was spent in the pleasure beach (I don't do rides though - too much of a scaredy cat!) and then we split up into groups to try and get loads of silly photos (had to chase a policeman down one street ). All this was inbetween more than a couple of drinks.

Last night we went to Funny Girls which was really good. All the bar staff are in drag, and I am so jealous of some of them. I would KILL for an arse and legs like some of them (and a pair of boobs!) Had a ball in there, it's a really good mixture of cheesy disco and cabaret. Great.

Went to a club later, and then had drinks in the hotel bar I was quite reserved though, some of them were still up at 4:45am!! Mind you, didn't get much sleep - my room was next to a lift...that talked...

I feel like I have really lived this weekend. And the best thing was only a couple of people knew about me having breast cancer, so for the first time in two years I almost felt "normal" again.

Session number five...

Never got round to the painting, but it was quite an emotional one today and I feel quite drained and have a banging head now. We talked about allsorts really, cos I have been feeling quite down again over the last week, mostly down to things going on around me (e.g. met up with a friend last week - her son died in January!, plus my mum's friend was at hospital yesterday having a lump checked out, add that a few other friend's having various problems blah blah blah). All this adds up and makes me feel a bit worn out, with - as usual - no time for myself and how I feel. Don't get me wrong, it's not I that I don't want to hear about anyone elses problems, it's just there are a lot around at the moment and as I'm good at listening to others guess where they call...

Tried to discuss how I feel, and where I fit in with it all. Bit hard that, cos as ever I don't think about myself and my needs. As long as I make sure everyone else is ok... Also discussed how I am a bit of a pressure cooker (her words - but I'm pinching them!) and I'm full and need a massive blowout cos every little (and in my opinion petty!) thing just gets on my nerves and drains me even more, and adds to the pot (but don't get me wrong, I don't dwell on the petty stuff - can't be arsed!). Also discussed that I feel useless (my words this time - she wasn't too keen!) when I feel like I can't/won't cope, or I'm not functioning like I used to - cos I don't do not coping, or emotion, or any of this really. I just want to be shiny, happy old me but as that isn't possible I need to figure out what tarnished, slightly damaged and a bit emotional old me is... Shame I never had a massive desire to do something that I could aim for, but I've always been one of those people who doesn't make plans, things just happen.

So, not surprisingly I'm off up there again this week. Not too sure how I feel about that really cos I feel worse today for going, but I think that's how it's supposed to work...

I went swimming again earlier and did 26 lengths though, which is good.

Mixed day

I've had quite a nice day today, swimming, babies and friends all round but then I spoke to my mum and I completely forgot that her friend (same age as me) was at the hospital today having a lump checked out. She had a mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy. Results next week... I felt sick to the stomach when my mum was telling me about it all. Apparantly the hospital was PACKED. All those poor people...

Swimming again.

Been swimming, did 24 lengths this week. Really chuffed with myself but I am very tired. In a good way though.