Gulp...

It's that time of year again.

I've just received my mammogram appointment letter. It's on Friday 13th June. Now, I'm not superstitious really but as I was diagnosed on a Friday 13th I can't help but feel a bit nervous about the date. Plus, I'm going to have to go away on holiday waiting for results now. Dammit. That happened last year and I was recalled...

Right - time to get a mantra I think "this will not phase me, this will not phase me....". I guess I could phone and ask for another appointment - but I won't. It's just a date...

Another sick note

I spoke to my gp again today, and he has signed me off for just another couple of weeks. I gave him a quick update on what has happened since I last saw him (only work things, I missed out all the retail therapy!!). My sick note takes me right up to a holiday I already have booked. Both me and my gp hope I will be able to go away, have a lovely time then return to work... Let's hope that all goes to plan then!! I really do want to get back sooner rather than later. I don't like being off sick. This is only the 2nd time in my whole life I have had a sick note - and the other time was because of cancer so I don't do things by halves do I?!?

I had a lovely chat with my boss today too, and I know I have her full support which helps a lot. She agrees it is right that I don't go back too soon, and she thinks more time is needed for the bullies and their hangers on to take their heads from up their backsides and hopefully start to see the error of their ways. Or at least pretend to! Ok, she didn't quite put it that way, but you get the picture!

So I'm really trying to turn this into something "positive" (I hate that word!) and use the time wisely to catch up on all the things I don't get round to enough when I am busy working. The car has had a wash (probably the only one it will get for a while!) and today I am trying to conquer the backlog of housework. I'm far from a domestic goddess but am going to see if I can turn into one for a while. Well, as soon as I move away from here of course!

I got a lovely bunch of flowers delivered today. What a lovely surprise they were. Sadly not from a secret admirer, but it's the thought that counts ;)

Another week goes by...

... and I haven't heard anything else from work so not much to say about that really. I did hear some "gossip" via a friend. It seems a couple of people in my team (not the bullies) have been quite upset for me. That means quite a lot knowing I have some support, but not enough to make me feel like I can return yet. I'll have to see what my gp says on Friday when I speak to him again I guess.

Other news - I have really gone and done it with the shopping now! I went away for the bank holiday weekend and ended up buying a static caravan! It should be delivered to the site in the next couple of weeks and then I will be able to get away whenever the mood takes me. How nice to be able to get away from everything and get some nice fresh sea air whenever I feel like it. A big expense really, but you're a long time dead...

Where do I go from here?

Been out and about today (shopping but not one penny spent - if you don't count lunch!), and came home to 5 messages on my answering machine from my big boss so thought I'd better call back...

She and my immediate line manager went to see HR yesterday. The HR adviser agreed the behaviour was definitely bordering on harassment and/or bullying. She said they were there most of the afternoon discussing it. Anyway, the outcome is my big boss has spoken to the whole team and has read a statement to them explaining how serious it is, and that if anything should happen again there will be no option other than to take formal proceedings (grievance, disciplinary etc). She also explained the effect it has had on me, and that I am off sick as a result of their collective behaviour. I think she pointed out that those of them who knew something was going on but did nothing to stop it were also in the wrong. She will be issuing them all with a copy of her "statement".

Big boss said it was met with stony silence... She asked me how I feel now. I said I don't know. I said yes, if they now take it on board fine but what if they don't? She said it wouldn't be tolerated again, and would go straight into a more formal route. She said she was still upset that I was sick because of this, but thinks a bit of space is the right thing to have just now, while the dust settles a bit.

She is going to send me a copy of it, so I can have a read of it myself. Oh, and I am getting referred to Occupational Health now - probably for counselling.

I don't know how I feel about it now. I don't know what I expected to happen, but I just think words are very easy and how the hell do I walk back into the office now pretending it's all over? I really hate these people now (strong emotion I know, but how I feel), and how am I going to get over that? I think I need a bit longer to lick my wounds...

How much?!?

Yes, I've been spending more money today. This really is going to have to stop... but it is really good fun!

Today was a necessity. As I expected, I need new glasses. I've gone from perfect vision to wearing reading specs, to now needing "general" specs. All within the last 18 months. My optician says I should really be having an eye test every year, because of the medication I'm on (Tamoxifen). Apparently it can affect your eyes. Great!

But, I have got a really funky pair of sunglasses on order now. Every cloud...

Today I found my get up and go again too. Thank goodness for that!! Luckily this meant I had a relatively cheap afternoon, I didn't open my purse again once. I thought I'd better make good use of this time off and did a bit of gardening. I am now covered in bits of privet bush, and smell of lavender - maybe I could start a new trend?

As if I don't have enough to cope with

The title of this post is dedicated to some very kind comments I have received on this blog from a stranger in cyber world. Comments that have really brightened up my day. Funny how a stranger who stumbles across my ramblings on here can feel empathy towards me (or should that be for me?), yet people who know me well can't allow me the same...

I am now officially called "sick note" by my best friend (no-one else would get away with that!) as my GP has signed me off for 2 weeks. Both he and I hope something will happen in that 2 weeks that may allow me to go back to work again. I don't know what this something will be - answers on a postcard please... However, I do know that at 2pm tomorrow I will be the hot topic of conversation in the HR department. Hmm, not too sure how that is making me feel to be honest. The bullies are still lying and I don't see how HR will change that but hey - what more have I got to lose?

So - how am I filling my time? I have never understood people who think they would be bored if they didn't go to work. To be honest, I feel like I have spent a week trying to catch up with myself. All this has been very draining, and I don't seem to be getting very good quality sleep just now. In fact I had a bizarre dream, well nightmare the other night in which I was running around, but getting nowhere. Seems even in my sleep I want to run away from it all!! Anyway, as always when the chips are down I have been spending money - too much money probably but hey, what the hell!!

Anniversaries etc

Yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis. 3 whole years... And what a 3 years it has been! In all honesty though, yesterday just felt like any other date. It's nothing special, and certainly isn't anything to celebrate. It's a date I just wish I could forget completely. Maybe next year...

As for the work situation, that's very much in the forefront of my mind. I am trying not to give it too much headspace, after all surely the reason I am off work is to allow myself a break from it?? But it's still there, rattling around my head.

Off to the docs tomorrow to see whether they will sign me off for a bit longer. Hopefully that will give work some time to sort the whole sorry situation out.

I can't cope with the stress any more...

I phoned in sick today (which was a farce to be honest, and took me HOURS!). Anyway, the deed is done and I have said it out loud "I can't cope with the pressure, I'm stressed". Never thought I would say that, but do you know what? I feel better now I have come to this decision, and have removed myself from the ugly situation I have been facing every work day. It feels like already I have got some power back. I can concentrate on me now, on making myself strong again.

Sod the lot of 'em!

Time to give up?

I've come to a decision. On Monday I will not be returning to work. I can't continue. I give up and I am admitting the stress has got too much. Despite my bosses best efforts, nothing is changing. There is a group of people who should be very ashamed of themselves for the way they have made me feel these last few months. I don't know if they ever will, but I'm not hanging around to find out. These bad people are going to walk into work on Monday and discover they don't have a manager for a while...

It's the weekend!

Thank goodness for Bank Holidays! A whole 3 days away from work.

Bad Apples

Another hard day, with more discussions about me. Very hard to deal with, even when you know you have done nothing wrong.

To be positive (yes, I still have a bit of optimism!) I've been pleasantly surprised by a couple of people. One person, who has done nothing wrong, or bad towards me apologised cos she felt so bad to know I was upset. Those few words meant such a lot to me today. Another has proved that she isn't as involved and is no way as vindictive as I'd started to think. So it seems I still have some forgiveness in me!

The rest - well, I can't say the same for them. One is, in my opinion, pure evil - rotten through and through. Like a bad apple she has managed to rot a few more around her. The rotting apple is the one who I think has poisoned the mind of others, causing all the stress and upset. The rotting apple is sly, and gets other bad apples to do her dirty work. Other bad apples don't seem to have the brains they were born with to realise how they are being used. Maybe one day they will?

So, nearly another week over - yet still the situation goes on. But I've waited 4 months to get to this point, so what's another week??