Is it that time already?

I was back up at the hospital today.

Onc had a good old prod and poke around my neck, shoulders, mastectomy scar, ribs etc. She even looked in my mouth cos there can be probs in there with the drug I'm having. All this within an hour of my actual appointment time - so far so good!

She seemed pleased with my progress and said I was doing just fine (needed to hear that today, been feeling a bit down in the bc department).

Then I trotted off to the chemo suite, and only had about an hours wait there before I got my treatment. New nurse, who I have never seen before had a go at my veins and managed to give me a bruise on the knuckle of my little finger. She seemed surprised when I said OUCH!! She gave up then, and asked one of the others to have a go. She managed to get it in a vein on the knuckle of my thumb, which also hurt like hell but at least it worked. Another bruise forming there though.

Was all done by lunchtime so went to work. Typical, now I'm at work I get sorted out super fast!

One lovely thing today, there were 2 girls in having chemo and we got chatting. They were really pleased to talk to someone who was at the "other side" of chemo, and were really giddy about my hair. It felt good to think I made them smile, even if only for a while.

It's raining, it's pouring

Just popped to the cash machine on the way home, and got caught out in a downpour. Everyone else around was dashing about, putting up brollies etc. I just stood there, got soaked and thought how nice it felt - to have wet hair in the rain. Weird perhaps, but it was just one of those little things that makes you glad to be alive...

New hair

It felt sooooo good having my hair done again. I've already booked myself an appointment for 11 December so I can have it coloured for Christmas (my works do is on the 15th)!! I'm really looking forward to that, I'll feel more like my old self when I have a bit of colour in it.

This might sound daft, but I really felt like I'd achieved something yesterday when I had my hair done. Like I had ticked another thing off a list or something.

Hair cut!

Tomorrow I'm having my first post chemo haircut!! I'm quite excited:)

More bad news

My aunt phoned earlier, her best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer a few weeks ago and had a mastectomy last week. She got her post op results today, and has found out she will be having chemo and rads so is a bit upset. My aunt was a bit flustered about it all so phoned me for a bit more info. Horrible, nasty disease.

End of phased return

I've officially finished my phased return today. I can't believe I have been back at work 3 months. Doesn't time fly when you are having fun? Also got chance to have quite a good chat with my managers today, they are so good to me. I am very lucky to work for such a caring employer. Although I'm supposed to be back doing my job fully from Monday, I know they will give me a lot of support if I need it.

Dentist

I was at the dentist this morning. No problems there, but I have had to give him some information from the hospital to do with the trial I am taking part in. They've discovered that some people have/are suffering from some jaw problems with it so the dentist has to check with the hospital if he wants to do any surgical work on me. He gave me a very thorough check up, felt all round my jaw area and neck.

Insurance part 2

We've got it sorted now (it's taken over 3 hours!) and it has cost me an extra £250. I'm still a bit tearful to be honest, just cos yet again bc has got in the way of my life. But hey, shit happens eh?

The holiday had better be bloody good now!!

Insurance

I hate this f***in disease!!!!

Last night I booked a holiday with my family. The company have phoned my brother this morning to say they can't accept our booking until they have details of our insurance. Bet you can't guess why we didn't just accept their bog standard policy.....

Anyway, cue me frantically phoning round to try and get a policy today so we can confirm our booking.....AND ALL THE COMPANIES I'VE TRIED SO FAR ARE SHUT COS IT'S SUNDAY. I'm so frustrated I'm in tears.

I did get one quote online - for over £500... It's so unfair, I would have sorted it out as soon as, but now I feel like the holiday company are forcing me to rush and pay over the odds. I'm so f***in mad and upset. It's like being fined for being ill.

I am going on a summer holiday...

Well, nearly summer...

I've booked a holiday today. I'm off to Cyprus for Easter next year with my family. It's for a special occasion, so we've booked a villa and it sounds lovely.

I have to confess it felt a bit odd booking it...I've always been a last minute type of girl, I hate planning for things in advance... Last year was the first time in years that I booked a holiday in advance, and I ended up having to cancel cos I got diagnosed with breast cancer... Like I said, I just felt a bit odd, planning something...

Holidays and anniversaries

Today it is one year since I started chemo. So, to mark the occasion I am off on holiday, to a cottage for a well earned rest.

Leaky face.

Today I have been tired and grumpy again. Work got on my nerves, and I felt like crying a couple of times (which I would HATE to do, I rarely cry in public). I was so glad when it was hometime.

My hospital buddy texted me earlier to tell me she was off to the hospital cos she has some swelling in her neck. She's really worried about it. I must get in touch with her again tomorrow to see how she got on. F***in disease.

I've been round to my best mates house for tea tonight. Did I tell her how down I am feeling? Did I chuff, I put my shiny happy smiley face on and pretended everything was ok. Why do I do that? She's been my mate for 28 years so why do I feel like I have to protect her from the dark side of all this. I did tell her about the lady who has died, and she had a horrible look of fear in her eyes as I told her. I hate the affect all this shite has on my friends and family as well.

Oh, I'm really sick of myself now. My face has started leaking again.

More needles.

I had a hospital appointment this morning for my zoledronic acid. I get to see the Onc each time I go, and he actually had a prod round my bits today (first time since op last year). He said everything felt ok which is good. He made me laugh, cos he said "Right, I need to examine you this time so get your kit off" He is very abrupt! I know a lot of people don't like him but he amuses me. I'd put a bit more weight on this time as well, and he said "Get over it, it's only a pound!", then I asked him if there was anything I could do to help get rid of fluid retention/swollen ankles/swollen feet and he said "excercise more and lose some weight". I can't win...

I then spent AGES waiting on the chemo suite for the pharmacy to send my stuff up. While I was waiting, I saw one of the ladies who was in the fashion show with me in May. She had some really sad news, another lady who was in the show died last week. She was only 43. I just burst into tears. Another lovely person lost to this bloody disease.

Chemo nurse got straight into a vein today - but I now have a bruise, and another one from my blood tests yesterday. I look like a junkie.

Back to the hospital again...

I had to go to the hospital for a blood test this morning (I'm due another infusion of zoledronic acid tomorrow). It took me 20 minutes to find a parking space, and then when I did finally find one the heavens opened and I got soaked. To top it all off, the car parking machine pinched a pound off me.

When I finally got into the hospital (looking like a drowned rat), the waiting room for blood tests was packed. You have to take a ticket (like at the meat counter in a supermarket). I got number 65, and they were only on number 33. I decided to go for a little walk round the hospital to pass a bit of time (and to get away from some of the whiffy people in the waiting room - yuk!). Managed to kill about 15 minutes, and when I got back they were only on number 38 *sigh*. There was only one vampire on duty. So, I was there for almost 2 hours.

Then I drove into town and got soaked again walking into work.

This time last year...

Today is the anniversary of my mastectomy. So, I have spent all afternoon in the pub with 3 of my friends I certainly feel a lot better now than I did a year ago! I left work at 2:30pm, which happened to be the time of my operation last year. How odd (it was definitely luck not judgement!).

Funeral

The funeral was today. I cried lots (especially at the bit where the vicar spoke about her getting cancer). I had a bit of a dark moment where I wondered how many of the people in the church would end up being at my funeral. Moments like that just make you think don't they...

Sad day

A sad day today. My mum phoned me earlier to tell me my Aunt died this morning. I'm afraid it is another death due to f&*!in cancer (not breast). I'm so sad, and also so angry that this horrible disease has yet again affected my family. She's been having treatment on and off for about 4 years, and she was one of the first people to phone me when I was diagnosed and she was so supportive. We've had many a "laugh" about the "joys" of chemo...

It's a cruel world.

Mammogram - the results

The dreaded brown envelope arrived this morning (bit quicker than 4 weeks!) and it says "I am please to inform you there is no abnormality to be seen".

Phew!

I'm so relieved.

Mammogram part 2

I've had my boob squished, and the results "will be posted to you in 4 weeks". So I'm gonna try and forget about it until the dreaded envelope appears. I might be wrong in thinking like this....but I have decided that if they had seen anything suspicious they would have sent me through for an ultrasound, like they did when I first went to the clinic last year. I know I don't get the results for 4 weeks, but they do have a quick glance at the slides to make sure they don't need to do them again. Anyway, that's my theory and I'm sticking to it!

I have to confess to having a little cry when I got back into the car. It just took me back to last year going back there (the hospital where they do the mammograms is a different one to where I had surgery/chemo etc). When they left me sat in the mammogram room (while they checked my slides) I nearly burst into tears then. Crikey! So, I've decided not to bother going into work this afternoon cos I am a bit emotional.

Mammogram

I've got my first follow up mammogram in an hour, and I feel sick. I hardly slept last night cos I couldn't stop thinking about it. I never used to be a worrier, so this still feels really alien to me. I don't know why but it seems worse cos I've just gone back into "normal" world by going back to work and WHAM I'm back into poorly, hospital world today.

Back to being a wage slave.

After 53 weeks off sick, I went back to work today...

So, that's day one over with. I'm really chuffed with myself now I really did get all nervous and couldn't sleep very well last night cos my mind went into overdrive thinking about it all.

Anyway, I drove to the car park I haven't been in for over a year, went to the sarnie shop I haven't been to for over a year... It was all quite surreal really. The ladies who work in the sarnie shop were really excited to see me, made me feel all welcome (they sent me a bunch of flowers last year - they are lovely). I then went into work to be greeted by a "Welcome Back" banner on the wall and balloons fastened to my chair Awww!

Quite a few people were off today so it wasn't too overwhelming, and I was pretty much left to it - just logged on my computer, read a few of the 1200+ e mails I have in my inbox, made a cup of coffee and did a bit of gossiping. It was good, I felt glad to be back.

I think I'll be having my official "return to work" interview tomorrow, cos both of my bosses will be in. The lad who has covered my job while I've been off is being left in place until I finish my 12 week phased return, so I intend to ease myself in nice and gently. Plenty of time for them all to get used to the new me, I really don't want to turn into the workaholic I used to be...

One thing though - I am shattered!! I bet I sleep like a log tonight.

Have you seen my get up and go?

I feel a bit odd today...I can't quite put my finger on it but I've lost a bit of my oomph. It's half past 3 and I have done NOTHING yet today. I keep thinking about all the things I could do with sorting out before I go back to work, and then I just sit here and don't do any of them... I did a bit of retail therapy yesterday, and the clothes are still in the carrier bags where I left them when I came in yesterday. Has anyone seen my get up and go? Please can you send it to me if you find it cos I need it.

Another anniversary

Today it is one year since op number one. I feel a damn sight better today than I did this time a year ago!! I was thinking about it last night and in some ways it seems like yesterday - but in other ways it seems like a lifetime ago. Weird.

Today I am going into town to meet my 2 managers for a pre return to work chat (plus a pub lunch ). I know it's silly but I am really starting to get nervous about going back on Monday. Not like me at all. Hopefully seeing them today will make me feel calm again...

Fashion Show

Oo, I'm tired today. Never knew this modelling lark was such hard work!

The fashion show was a great success. There were over 1000 people in the audience (and after a few drinks they were a rowdy bunch - ha ha) so with ticket money alone they will have raised £10000. The bar ran dry at half 8 and had to be restocked so they should have made loads of money on that too (all the profits went to the charity). So they should make a decent amount of cash.

I modelled 3 outfits . I was so nervous before I went out the first time, but once we got onto the stage and the crowd started cheering I started to enjoy myself.We all (I think there were nearly 40 of us) had to go on the stage for the finale. That made me feel a bit emotional - so many lovely, beautiful women all looking great whilst living with breast cancer. Fantastic!

And that was it - finished! 9 weeks plus of rehearsals and it's all over. Phew.

Stagefright

I really should be in bed getting my beauty sleep now, cos tomorrow is the fashion show!!! Eek!

I've been to rehearsals again tonight, from 4pm until 9:30pm. Honestly, when I agreed to do this I didn't realise quite how much time and commitment was required. So far we have had rehearsals every Friday night and Sunday afternoon for about 8 weeks. I've to be at the venue for 12:30 tomorrow (the show doesn't start til 7:30!) so we can practice all afternoon.

If I'm completely honest, I'll be glad when tomorrow is over cos I'm a bit sick of it all now...

More anniversaries

I am up bright and early today cos I've been to see my GP about going back to work. I am going back on 12th June (in 4 weeks). That should just about give me enought time to get my head round going back. I'm not really worried about it but have to admit it is a little bit daunting after so long off.

It's quite bizarre really, this time last year I was up at the hospital getting the dreaded diagnosis (well tomorrow is the exact anniversary but it was this Friday if you see what I mean). Here I am 12 months later, getting a return date for work. Funnily enough, the weather is exactly the same as it was 12 months ago.

Rehearsals

The fashion show is getting closer... I'm starting to get quite nervous now. I'm also getting sick of all the rehearsals.

Rehearsals were a drag today. We were running through the "scenes" in order today and I have now discovered I am on stage, off stage for a very quick change then straight back out again. Then lots of hanging around before I'm back on again in the second half. Plus, for the finale we all have to go out again and they play M People's "Search for the Hero". That song makes me blub. I will be a wreck!!

I really will be glad when this is over. I wasn't born to perform!

Hanging around all day

I'm not a happy bunny today.

I had an appointment at 9:50am today with the Oncologist. This meant getting up quite early (for me!). I then sat and waited for over and hour and a half in a horrible crowded waiting room before I got to see anyone (apart from a nurse who weighed me when I first got there - put a few pounds on the last couple of months - oops ). Finally got into see the Onc just before 12, I was in and out in about 5 mins. He just asked me how rads went, and how I was finding Tamoxifen. To be honest, most of the appointment seemed to be for the benefit of the student doctor he had in with him. He asked her more questions than me.

Then I got sent up to the chemo suite (it was about 12 o clock then) for my infusion of zoledronic acid, and I was sat waiting up there until gone half 2!! The waiting room was full of really depressing people too (not their fault obviously, but it rubbed off on me). So, finally got out after 3 o’clock. I won't even mention the fun they had finding a vein...

So I was up at the hospital for 5 hours in total. All that for a 5 minute chat and a 15 minute infusion. Then I got caught up in all the school traffic on the way home. Not one of my better days. I think I will crack open a bottle of wine in a minute...I need a drink.

Touching wood...

I don't know what has happened the last week or so, but I feel (dare I say it) normal... you know, like the old me, the pre bc me. It's like I have turned a big corner, probably cos I have had a bit of time to recover from all my treatments now, and the after effects are wearing off. I must be feeling better, cos the mess in my house is now starting to get on my nerves again and I want to have a big sort out, a spring clean. Fingers crossed I remain like this - just need to get my head round returning to work now...

Anniversaries...

Tomorrow it is a year since I went to se my GP about my lump. I have to confess I'm feeling a bit weird about that

Back to work soon?

I had my Occy Health appointment today as well. Nothing much to say about that really. We pretty much went over the same things as last time - I plan to go back early/mid June, I will be on a phased return etc...

They are very good at my work, so no worries on that front really.

Felt very let down by a friend today. Found out they have kept something quite important from me. I don't know why they have kept me in the dark, but I feel quite hurt. Gosh, this cancer malarkey ain't half made me sensitive!

Dvds and doctors

Been a bit narky today.

My mum has been round for a couple of hours this aft. We watched a DVD of last years fashion show. It's made me feel quite emotional. I reckon it's my hormones going bonkers again. I feel tired and a bit weepy today. Hey ho...

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the Occupational Health doctor. I guess it is to discuss my eventual return to work. That should be fun. The Occy Health doctor is quite good looking. Every cloud and all that...

Normality

I really am on a bit of a high at the moment. I've hardly been in the house for the last few days. Life is starting to resemble something it used to be...

Getting Forgetful...

Not as easy to recall dates now... Chemo brain had well and truly taken over by now.

However, I do know that the last session of chemo was on Feb 3rd 2006. I can't tell you how good it feels when that last cannula is taken out of your hand!!

A whole week "off" then I had 3 weeks of radiotherapy. A bit like groundhog day, doing the same journey at the same time every day, seeing the same people...

Surprisingly, my skin held up quite well and didn't really show signs of burning until the last few days. I finished on 3rd March.

So, that's the poisoning and nuking done. Just 5 years of tablets and a drug trial to do now...

Oh, and my hair is regrowing :)

Edit I discovered an old diary after I typed this, so have updated my blog with all the ramblings from there. So this might now seem a bit out of order...

Feeling better...

I'm feeling a bit better...

Some of my friends came out of the woodwork today - I almost started to think they had been reading this! One phoned me, and 2 others texted me and I've been round to another's house for a bottle of wine and a curry. I know they'd say I should just ask for help, but I find it hard. I'm fiercely independent, so it doesn't come naturally to me to admit I need help. I just expect them to know. Silly really. Plus I do get envious when they are all doing the stuff "normal" people in their 30's do, while I feel like it's all passing me by. I'll stop this now - I'm starting to get miserable again...

Not good.

***Warning*** Self pitying rant coming up.

I’m really pissed off and fed up. I’m sick of feeling like crap and tired all the time. Loads of people keep telling me I should be feeling great now my treatment is over and how I can now get back to normal, back to work etc. I know they mean well, but I just want to slap them round the face and say “try spending 24 hours in my mutilated, poisoned and burnt body and then say things are normal”.

I feel a little let down by my friends at the moment. They were great while I was at the hospital every 2 minutes, checking I was ok etc but they haven’t been around so much the last couple of weeks (except one friend who has suddenly re-appeared the last couple of weeks. Very odd). It’s me being sensitive I know, but you know what it is like when you feel shit.

My hormones are all over the place too. I had no periods while on chemo, now they are back with a vengeance. I’ve started today, only 11 days since the last one so have stomach cramp on top of everything else.

Tonight was another rehearsal for the fashion show. I was ok when I was there, but on the way home I just started to feel so sad that so many people are affected by this crappy disease. It also made me feel very young (there are only a couple of others there who are around my age).

I’m having one of those “why me?” days. Sorry about this outburst, but I needed to have a cyber rant. I’ve had a good cry too, the first one for ages so hopefully I’ll bounce back again soon now I've let it all out.

Please can I have my energy back?

I've been kind of festering for a few days. I've had no energy for anything, and haven't been able to get out of bed in a morning, haven't bothered getting dressed til teatime etc. I've been doing my own head in! They did say I might suffer with tiredness a couple of weeks after rads finished but I've been completely wiped out.

The morning after..

I'm still on a high from last night...it was so good to go out.

The best thing was I went out with nothing on my head, and although a few people did do double takes when they looked at me I didn't feel too self conscious. I quite like having short hair, but could do with just a bit more before I'm happy with it....

Off out on the lash!

Today is a big day!! I am going out on the lash tonight. First "proper" night out.

I've done very little so far today. My breast care nurse has been round to check I'm not too frazzled from the rads and to say bye bye for now cos unless I ask to see her she won't come to see me.

Now the fun starts! I've got that Friday feeling....

Another bit over with!

Today is the day I finished all the agressive treatments!! So I feel good about that.Time to move onto another phase of my life now. Starting tonight with my first rehearsal for the fashion show I'm taking part in in May. That's if it stops snowing and I can get there....

I'm bored of all this now...

The last few days haven't been that thrilling. I've been trekking to and from the hospital for radiotherapy, and this week there have been quite a few delays so I've not had much time for anything else. I'm half way there now, but it's starting to get me down a bit. I don't feel like I have much of a life outside "cancer world" at the moment. Started taking the Tamoxifen on Saturday too, and have had a painful leg ever since. It's not as bad today but if it keeps hurting I'll be off back to my GP.

One week down, 2 to go...

Another mixed day today.Been for my 5th zapping session. Only 2 weeks more of groundhog day to go through. It's so bizarre doing the same journey at the same time every day. This week has flown though, it's been nice having some structure and routine in my day for a change.

Been to see my GP too. He's given me another 3 month sick note. Also got my first lot of Tamoxifen. More new side effects to get my head round. Great.

Sick notes and sheep

The day started off quite bad, woke up feeling a bit blue. Tried to get an appointment with my GP cos my sick note has run out and I need to see him about starting Tamoxifen. The surgery's computer is down today and the not so helpful receptionist was her usual non pleasant self. When I put the phone down I just burst into tears. Daft or what?

Spoke to a nicer receptionist a bit later. Computer was still down, so I decided to give it a miss and will try again tomorrow. It annoys me that you can only ring up for an appointment on the day you need to see the GP. I knew 3 months ago I'd need to go back for my sick note, so why I couldn't book an appointment then I just do not know.

Had my now daily 20+ mile trip up to the hospital then. Started to cheer up a bit on the way there when I saw all the sheep, cows and horses in the fields on the way. I got befriended by quite a bonkers old dear in the waiting room who went on and on about the patient transport service while I was waiting. Her appointment is the one after me so I guess I'll get the same conversation tomorrow. Bless her.

More hospitals coming right up!

Radiotherapy starts tomorrow. Feel a bit nervous about that now...

Blurgh.

I feel rotten today. My cold has really taken hold now, my nose looks like rudolph's and it's running like a tap, my head feels like it's about to explode, my throat hurts and I've got a really annoying cough. I slept in til 1:15 today, nearly passed out when I saw the time on the clock!

I guess this is nature's way of telling me to slow down cos I've really been busy this week.

Feeling hmmm....

Today I feel a bit hmmm, not sure really. Usual week after chemo stuff, not sure if I feel good or not. Half and half really.Cold has progressed into a very runny nose. I've used about 100 tissues already today. Every time I go from somewhere warm to somewhere cold or vice versa it's like GUSH.

I was knackered when I woke up this morning. Not surprisingly cos I really haven't stopped the last few days. I'd just got into the shower when ding dong, the postman was at the door. I think postie was a bit shocked when I appeared, half bald, half wet in my dressing gown at the door I'm past caring what people think these days.

I've then been up to the hospital to see the Onc. It was a different bloke today and I really liked him. He was really funny and made me laugh. He had a medical student in with him and I don't think she knew how to take us cos we were in stitches, talking about the perils of chemo brain etc. Other than the good laugh though, the appointment was a bit of a waste of time. He was just checking up on me now I've finished my chemo, and is writing to my GP to sort out my Tamoxifen (I thought they'd be doing that today, but they want it to be done by the GP for some reason).

Healthy Living Day

Phew. I'm shattered, but in a good way cos I've been on a Healthy Living Day today. It's been fab, I've had such a good time (although I wasn't so sure when the alarm went off at 7am this morning ).

I've had reflexology, reiki, indian head massage and colour analysis. Not too sure about the colour thing - I already knew I look shocking in yellow! But the rest was brilliant. I feel really pampered, I'm so chilled out, I have just driven round the Ring Road in really busy traffic and it was one of the nicest journeys I have ever had (I'm prone to a bit of hand waving normally - oops!).

I think the best part of it was I finally met some people near to me in age. Apart from online, I've never met anyone as young as me so it was really good to chat to people in exactly the same boat as me. One girl was only 30, and had a young baby. What a nightmare for her, but she was so upbeat it was infectious.

Back to reality tomorrow, cos I'm off to the hospital to get my first prescription for Tamoxifen. Just as my periods returned..typical!

But, apart from being full of cold I feel great today and am looking forward to a lovely long, relaxing sleep tonight.

Full of cold

I feel rotten. To "celebrate" the end of chemo I am full of cold. Typical eh? It started on Friday night, and I'm full of it now. Yuk. Oh, plus my periods decided to return today (the first one since September!) so I'm also suffering a bit with that as well.Oh, woe is me....

I'm supposed to be going to a Healthy Living Day tomorrow (ha ha - not a good advert me!!) so hope I feel better by then.

I've done it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, that's it. Chemo is done. Thank f*** for that!

All 12 sessions of poison are now a part of my history. I can hardly believe it myself, and struggled getting to sleep last night cos I was almost giddy about it. Just to make it more memorable, the chemo suite was packed out today and I had a long wait before I got seen to. Perhaps they just didn’t want to see me go? It’s the longest I’ve been there for a while, almost felt like I should help them pack up for the weekend by the time we left. All the lovely nurses said goodbye, hugs all round. A bit sad in a way. It’s amazing how well you get to know people when you are visiting them every few weeks! One of them said she felt a bit ill today but decided to turn up for work cos she didn't want to miss my last visit, otherwise she might have phoned in sick.

My veins were a bit of a problem again today, I have another nice bruise forming. One of the nurses asked me if I would cultivate my veins again before I have to revisit them as part of the trial I’m taking part in! Hopefully a few months rest from needles will do the trick. Or maybe not…

So that’s it, the chemo chapter is over. Thankfully! Hopefully this will mean I will be able to start drinking again soon. It’s been a very dry 6 months and I almost fancy a glass of wine to celebrate. Shame I know it won’t agree with me, but I intend putting it to the test very soon.

The next 2 parts of my treatment start very soon. I now have an appointment this Wednesday to see the docs again to get my first load of Tamoxifen. More interesting side effects to look forward to then!

The burning/cooking (radiotherapy) starts a week on Monday (13th) so no post chemo rest for me! I’m keen to get on with it though cos this time in one month I will be done with all the aggressive part of my treatment. Yippee.

Last blood test

It's off to the hospital for my blood tests today. LAST blood tests. Now that feels good saying that.

I will be so happy in a few weeks time when I don't have to trek over to the hospital. Let's just say it's not the most pleasant journey there. It's very chaotic near the hospital, enough to raise your blood pressure and that's before you try and find a parking space! Thank goodness the rads will be at a different hospital, at least I get a change of scenery for a few weeks.

Fed up of waiting

I've had a funny couple of days recently. I guess it's down to the chemo again, but I've been feeling a bit fed up. One friend has just made me laugh though, I usually speak to her nearly every day but cos I've been a bit down and fed up I've not been in touch. I emailed her earlier and her reply was "blimey i woz beginnin to think u'd carked it!!!!". Nice to see my friends have the same sick sense of humour as me.

One of the things that has really been getting on my nerves this week is all the waiting I'm having to do. This is part of my current "waiting" list:

• Waiting for Jobcentre to sort out my claim for Incapacity benefit. I've filled in about 60 pages of claim forms in January, had 2 long phone calls with them and got an acknowledgement slip this morning telling me it was being "dealt with". Great.
• Waiting for the replacement memory to arrive for my (very slow) pc. I sent the faulty one back a week ago, and the new one hasn't turned up yet .
• Waiting for my hair to grow enough to go out uncovered.
• Waiting for this week to end so I can say chemo is over with...I could go on.... but I won't.

I'm one of those people who just sorts stuff out when they crop up, so am finding it really hard at the moment waiting and relying on other people. I want some control back in my life.Back on the hospital conveyer belt tomorrow for blood tests, then THE LAST CHEMO on Friday.

Penultimate chemo!

I'm back and have had my penultimate chemo. They asked me a few questions about how I was feeling, and suspect that I have/had/am fighting off some kind of infection. They didn't seem too concerned, so I'm not any more and the pain seems to be wearing off now. Funny that.

My veins will also be relieved next week when they won’t get attacked every couple of weeks or so. I think they will last another week, but not much longer. They couldn’t use the back of my hand this week (they tried - ouch!!), so have started on my wrist now. It’s a good job there weren’t any new patients in this week, cos I wasn’t a very good advert for having a cannula inserted. I didn’t scream or swear, but my face will have given it away that it wasn’t the most pleasant experience!!

Tonight I'm off out for meal with some friends. It's the first time we will have all been out for over a year, cos with one thing and another we haven't been very sociable. Not the best day for me to go out, but it's one friend's birthday and she has had a really tough year so I'll grin and bear it for her. Just hope the steroids keep me going!!

Chemo or not?

Chemo day today. I've just phoned the hospital and they asked me if I was feeling ok cos I have a raised white cell count. I said I felt ok, apart from this pain I've had for a few days. She asked me all about it but said I should still go in. I'm really worried now that I won't be able to have it today. Why did it have to start going wrong at this late stage?? Not happy...

Wind, blood and parking

I'm not sure if it is a wind problem now, cos it still hurts today. Not as bad as it was yesterday (I've not had the wheatbag out yet!) but still hurts. It's pants all this.

Just about to get ready to trek over to the hospital to have my blood sucked. My friend usually takes me, but she can't come today so I'm going on my own. I hope one of the free short stay spaces is available, cos I don't fancy paying £2 for my quick visit to the vampires. I once had to pay to park for my blood tests and I was there for a whole 7 minutes. Nice little earner for someone eh?

I'm not in the best of moods this week. I really am bored of all this malarky now and it's really getting on my nerves for some reason.

Feeling ropey

I feel quite ropey today. I woke up at 8:30am this morning in agony. Really sharp pains in my side, back and shoulder and I could hardly catch my breath. I thought for a while something was seriously wrong with me, and was quite worried. The pain has pretty much gone now, and I'm beginning to think it might just have been trapped wind! A few burps and a stint with the wheatbag seem to have done the trick.

It's back to the hospital tomorrow for my blood tests, then it's the penultimate dose of chemo on Friday. I can hardly dare to think that this time next week I will almost be there with the chemo. It's been a long 6 months, but in some ways I can't believe how quick it's gone.

Tired again

I'm really tired today. Loads of people I know have had/got the lurgy (cold/flu)recently and so far I've managed to get away without it. I ache all over today, and am not sure if it is the lurgy. Hope not, cos I'm due the first dose of my last cycle of chemo on Friday and I don't want any delays now.

Unusually, Captain Paranoia hasn't crept into my mind to try and convince me it's something sinister. I just feel like you do when you are coming down with something.

Questioning things.

My visitor has just gone. What a lovely lady she was too. I really feel for her, she had her mastectomy about 5 weeks ago and is feeling pressurised into having chemo. She has a family history of bc, and has been frightened by her sisters experiences with chemo. Her tumour was grade 3, no lymph involvement and they have recommended she has chemo. She says she doesn't know what to do. Like she said, she has spent her whole life "clean living". She didn't give into the pressures of drugs etc when she was at Uni, she eats healthily, does regular exercise etc so having her body pumped full of chemicals really goes against what she believes in.

She's done a lot of research into it, what drugs are used around the world etc so is very well informed about it all.She said she found chatting to me useful, but she still doesn't know what decision she will make. She's due to see the Onc again tomorrow to discuss it further. Fingers crossed she will make the right decision for her, whatever it may be.

The funny thing I've realised from talking to her is that I never even questioned having chemo. Trust me, I hardly ever took even a paracetamol before so having all these chemicals and drugs is very alien to me too. However, I never questioned why they recommended I had it. I just wanted to throw as much at my bc as possible. She said they told her it would increase her chances of not having a recurrence by 10%. She said she thought that was a low figure. I said I had to confess that even if they'd told me it would increase my chances by 1% I would still have gone for it.

Another thing I have realised is, I am very lucky to work for a sympathetic employer with a good sick pay policy. She doesn't get any sick pay.

I just hope I've helped her. She did say I had, even though she still hasn't been able to come to a decision.

Can I help??

I'm up before lunchtime again - wahoo!!

The lass who has recently been diagnosed has phoned me this morning. She sounds terrified, poor lass. She's coming round to have a chat with me this afternoon. I hope I can help her in some way, but I'm now feeling a bit nervous myself. I'm usually quite a confident person, but now I'm worrying that I might say the wrong thing to her and make matters worse. I'm sure my breast care nurse must think I'll be ok, or she wouldn't have suggested it but its quite a big thing isn't it? I'm guessing she also picked me cos I've tolerated chemo quite well. Plus I'm one of those people who tries to see a bright side in everything. Oh heck, I'm babbling now cos I'm nervous. I can only wonder how the other poor girl is feeling. It must have taken some guts for her to pick the phone up this morning.

Claiming benefit.

Funny day today. Had to wait in for the phone call from the Jobcentre people about my incapacity benefit. They said they'd call between 1 and 6, so I kept holding off on making my lunch cos I didn't want to be stuffing my face when they phoned. By 3pm I was nearly passing out, and as soon as I turned the grill on the phone rang! Ha ha, I should have tried that trick earlier! Was on the phone for 30 minutes (stomach rumbling!). They were very pleasant, but I did start to wonder why I'd spent so much time filling a form in last week when they went through it all again with me on the phone. Hey ho. It does seem strange claiming benefits, I've never had to do anything like this before...

No phone call from the lady who my breast care nurse phoned me about. I guess she doesn't want to talk to some stranger about it after all.

Busy morning!

I've had a busy morning so far. My breast care nurse phoned earlier, she has a new patient who is struggling to come to terms with the fact she has to have chemotherapy. My nurse thought it would be a good idea if she spoke to someone who is going through it, and thought of me. I'm quite touched that she thinks I can be a help. She's going to pass my phone number on, and I've said I'm happy to meet up with her. I just hope I can help. So many people have supported me over the last year, it will be nice to give something back.

I've also been on the phone to the JobCentre Plus about my claim for incapacity benefit. I spent hours filling in a claim form last week, and they sent me a letter today asking me to phone. It seems that people have so many problems filling in the forms that they like to go through it with you on the phone now. The lass I spoke to was really nice, we had a bit of a laugh when she had to ask me if I was in custody, or due in court soon. I wonder if it would help with my claim if I was??? Hmmm, what can I do.... Apparently, I will be having a telephone appointment with them again tomorrow afternoon to go through my claim. What a fun way to spend a Friday afternoon! I am becoming the queen of claim forms these days..

I'm awake!

I was awake at 10am today!! Now that is an achievement this week.

Some post came today. It was for my radiotherapy planning appointment. It's been rescheduled cos one of the doctors has left. Hope it wasn't something I said!! It's next Thursday at 9:40am. Must find some more alarm clocks....

Sleepy

I've been attacked by some mega sleeping syndrome the last couple of days. I think I might have overdone it at the weekend so have been catching up ever since (My steroids got me through and beyond the party!). I've only been up a few hours and I could go back to bed already.

I'm going to throw my coat on and have a wander up to the corner shop instead, just so I can get out of the house for a few minutes. I think a tacky magazine and some chocolate is in order (sorry dieters!).

Grumpy Zombie

I am like a zombie today. The steroids still kept me awake long into the morning. I think I finally went to sleep at about 4:30am. I'd still be in bed now but the phone rang an hour ago and woke me from my coma like state.

I'm supposed to be at a house warming party this afternoon. It starts in quarter of an hour but as I am still in my pjs. I think I will have to be fashionably late. I'm struggling to muster up the energy for it if I'm honest, but I've just taken the next lot of steroids so maybe I'll perk up soon. I hope I do, I will be seeing quite a few people I haven't seen for a while and I don't want to look like poorly cancer girl if I'm honest. It's easier if I look "well" and they don't have to do the sympathy routine. I'd rather just fade into the backgrond today and not have to bang on about it all day. Grumpy Jo seems to be coming out to play again. Uh oh...

Just think, this time next month my chemo will be over. Wahoo!!!

Chemo again

I'm blubbing at the mo. Chemo makes me a bit teary.

Chemo went ok, but I was there ages cos everything seemed to be going wrong and the staff were run off their feet. Luckily when they did get round to doing it, my veins were well behaved and they got in first time. Phew!

It's going to be a long night, I can't sleep cos of the steroids.

Here I go again...

Just phoned the hospital, my blood tests (had them done yesterday) are fine so it's off to the hospital I go again. I'm starting to panic about my veins a bit now...

Zzzzzzzz...

I am really tired today, but I've forced myself to get out of bed cos I'm sick of getting up at lunchtime these days.

Maybe I should explain...

Thought I should explain a bit about the type of chemo I'm having.

I'm on E/CMF. I've had 4 x Epirubicin and am now nearly there with the CMF (4 cycles, 2 infusions each cycle. 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off with a week off for Christmas!!).

I think I have been very lucky with the side affects. The Epi knocked me out for a few days each time. I used to spend a few days in my pj's feeling really crap on that. Also, my sense of taste and smell went loopy. I used to gag when I smelt anything made of rubber or plastic. Yuk. No actual sickness though - phew. Oh, it also put me off any red liquid. I can't drink cranberry, blackcurrant etc any more now. It's also put me off wine!!

The CMF is much easier for me. My taste buds are almost back to normal, I just have a much sweeter tooth than I ever had before. Smells aren't as bad on CMF either.

With both of them, the fatigue has been the worst thing for me. I find I can only do one thing each day and if I try to do any more I'm just knocked out the day after. This does my head in.

Oh, and the lack of concentration is annoying too. I've been reading the same book since April, not like me at all. But, apart from mouth ulcers, sore skin, blisters and a bit of cystitis I've got away quite lightly I think (touch wood!). The best thing is I'll be finished with it in a month. I think my last chemo is on 3rd Feb. Just rads and tamoxifen to go then....